on the subject of broccoli and being gay.

Recently on my way to one of my favorite mecifood joints to get a carne asada burrito ( carne asada burritos are soon to be blogged about by the way), I had a cat call of sorts from a gay man on the street, much like the ones construction crews will give to women on a street while they sit, ussually suspended on an iron beam hanging from a couple of steel cables. The brief conversation between he and I was like.

Gay man: Hey big guy, you look tense, how about a nice rubdown?

Myself: Uh, no thanks, I'm not gay.

Gay man (as I walk away): You never know until you try it, you might like it.

That was it, a very quick and pointless confrontation, until I realized that he had just refferred to being gay the same way my mother refferred to broccoli, IE. " How do you know you don't like it if you never try it"? Now, years later I find that I do like broccoli but I feel absolutely no sensual urges toward broccoli, nor have I ever felt a powerful emotional bond toward broccoli. I have never found myself eating califlower with cheese and thought how hard it was going to be to tell people that I am living a lie and have always been more of a broccoli and butter person. I have never felt the urge to lie in bed on a rainy afternoon with broccoli and discuss wether or not we should make an eternal bond, get married and look into adopting a young brussel sprout. I have never sucked broccoli through a hole in a bathroom wall, and if I was going to penetrate a vegetable in a sexual fashion, broccoli would not be my first choice, mabye a slightly over ripe cantalope, perhaps even a watermelon thats been in the sun for a while but never broccoli. In summation, gay man on the street, you need a new line for picking up straight men, mabye try something like " there's a hundred bucks in it for you" or " Hey frat boys, how about some tequilla?".

Vegan girl, it just wouldn't last

Today I saw a very attractive girl, with beautiful tattoo work, she was standing on the corner talking to people about global warming, as I got closer I noticed her "straight edge" tattoos on her arm and neck. She began talking to me about our global condition and I listened as only a man can to an attractive woman. It was about that time I said I was hungry and must go get food, when she told me about this lovely little vegan restaurant downtown. All of a sudden my fantasy world crashed around me, for she was not only a straight edge girl, straight edge being in my mind to be the equivalent of the violent morons of the punk world, but she was vegan as well. Why is that a problem? You may ask yourself. It is not that I am not open to new or different ways of life or lifestyles in general, hell if a girl is hot she's hot! I, however am a terrible person, a sick sadistic and deep down horrible human being and, at some point in our dating span, I would have no choice to slather a raw piece of meat in Jack Daniels while I smoked a cigar , mix the ashes into my alcoholic, meat blood concoction and just drink, chew, puff and generally swill it down then I would kick over the table stand on my chair and scream " MAN I COULD SURE GO FOR SOME CRACK !" I don't believe that she would be able to, or even want to see the subtle sarcasm of all this and would more than likely just stab me in the thigh. So I am sorry vegan straight edge girl, but it just wouldn't work.

People Are Nuts

People say that rich crazy people are eccentric and poor crazy people are crazy, now to me an eccentric millionaire might avoid the public, maybe dress not so wealthy or drive a Honda civic, that would be eccentric to me. Take Howard Hughes however, people called him an eccentric millionaire, the whole Spruce Goose debacle and all, however at some point Howard began collecting his piss in jars and that is CRAZY!!!!!! For a time the media was saying that Howard and Marilyn Monroe were dating and folks said Marilyn was a few scoops short of a Sunday but I don't care what your mental problems are for instance.

Marilyn and Howard at a psychologist.

M: I don't know doc, I get angry easy, scream , holler, throw tantrums, break things, hurl insults and vases at my lovers, cut myself, drink while on sleeping meds, and cry for no reason, sometimes I just want end it all.

Doc: yes yes I see, and you Howard?

H: I save jars of my own piss, you know, just in case.(wink wink)

pissboy is definitely the crazier one