My X-mas story.

Let me make this as short and sweet as I can. I grew up in a family that did not celebrate X-mas. I was picked on for this most of my young life, treated like a total outcast. When I was young, this treatment disturbed me. I would see all the presents the other kids would get and the green eyed monster would well up within me. I wanted to be like the other kids, I really wanted to fit in, more than anything though, I wanted the teasing and name calling to stop. My god, even my teachers would tell me how strange my family was for not celebrating X-mas, which just made me feel more displaced from my peers.
That story, however was many, many years ago. I am an adult now, at least in a physical sense, and, you know, I still don't celebrate X-mas. I do not have to go and buy gifts for everyone because it is a holiday. That is not to say that I don't by my friends and loved ones gifts, I just don't let a holiday tell me when I should purchase things. I do not expect, nor do I want presents from people either, if we are that close you can buy me a couple beers or a fifth of whiskey any time of the years and we will make our own holiday. Most importantly, I do not have to get together with family, especially extended family and try to be nice to them. The simple fact is, while I really like my immediate family, if three quarters of my relative base were sucked into a black hole which spat them out into the burning center of the Sun, it would hardly affect my life. just because you share some slight genetic similarity to someone, does not mean you have to like them. Show me that part of the rule book and I will eat the poncho I bought in Tijuana seven years ago. I have shared my dislike for X-mas with several people and also my "drink whiskey and play video games agenda" and I have found that, since we are all grown up, most people are extremely jealous of my break from this corporate/religious holy, bullshit day. Some of the same people that would have ridiculed me as a child, now wish they could join in the Zen of my anti-X-mas ways, for, when all others are stressed and suicidal, I am simply pissed that I can't buy more beer and will have to wait for another day but, no big deal, I have nothing to do today but type and scratch itches that you can't scratch in front of your Grandma, both physically and metaphorically.

As a parting thought: I usually take a holiday blog as an opportunity to rip it apart and show you the history of how it was destroyed by some pious king or emperor. Well, X-mas is no different, so here goes.
I call it X-mas, most call it Christmas, i prefer the "X", because this day has about as much to do with Jesus as Presidents day. This is supposedly the day Christians celebrate the birth of Christ but if there were three wise men crossing a Middle Eastern desert on camel back, I will regurgitate the earlier mentioned poncho and re-eat it. Like so many "Christian", holidays, Christmas is just another way of covering up another Pagan festival. In this case, most likely blending the time of year in with the Roman holiday Saturnalia and the Winter Solstice celebration which fell on December 25th according to the Julian Calender. Saturnalia was a week long celebration of the roman god Saturn that ran from December 17th to the 23rd. It was a time of getting away from formal rules, a festival in which anything goes. Feasting, dancing, public drunkenness and nudity, of course what kind of Roman festival would be complete with out a few orgies? There were those too. Then we have Scandinavian Yule, the log burnt to honor Thor, the decorating of the tree, the mistletoe, holly ant wreaths, sounds a lot like X-mas if you take out Thor and pop in the X. I believe of all the holidays that piss me off, this fat, screaming lie is among the worst. If it wasn't for Constantine and Charlemagne and their push to bury the past and control people through religion, you could all be enjoying a naked day off instead of hating the socks you got from Aunt Clemintine.

Tits the season.

I have a word problem, or at least a problem with the way a word is used in our society. That word is "exotic". My problem comes from the use of exotic as a way of saying nude or topless. I understand that the word was originally used to describe dancing that was actually exotic, belly dancers, for example, used to be considered pretty risque and were stuck shaking their bells in the back alley bars on the seedy side of town. Cabaret acts in the 30's and 40's, were considered downright pornographic and, yes either style can excite your sexual stimulus response but they are both use implication and suggestion to raise your eyebrow. Your typical strip club act is different though, there is no implication, it is all on the table in front of you, sometimes quite literally. "Hey there Mr. drunk, horny, sloppy moron, give me money and I will show you my ta-ta's". Bam, cash in hand, the D.J. pops in a crappy song by a now defunct 80's hair band and you my friend are off to titty city. All of this so you can go home to, or with, your significant other and play a game of "erection vs. whiskey". The purpose of a nudie bar is to arouse you, to get the blood outta your brain and you money outta your wallet. That, in definition, is "erotic dancing". don't get me wrong, you can mix the two, you could definitely have a dance that was both exotic and erotic. A topless whirling dervish or an all nude Miabaumfest dance for instance. I also get that the ancient Babylonians had strippers in their courts and in that way you could make an argument for the "exotic" label on strip clubs. There are many variables here and I know I am tackling a rough topic. There are some classy joints out there that really mix the line and you can't be too harsh on them. I am merely trying to point out the fact that the club down by my house, with the pornographic bookstore in the front and the bullet proof glass and steal doors or any place called Teeny Boppers or Shuga Daddies, those places are for guys that want to see tits, it doesn't matter if they are flabby, knee length or so riddled with stretch marks that they look like a hurricane on Doppler. It doesn't matter if the stripper has her baby in a pram on the stage. If she is getting naked the guys there don't care about any other factor. Those places should not be allowed to ruin a wonderful word like exotic.

Alpha male mentality.

I have been hearing a lot of talk about the Alpha male in human society again. It is actually a common topic of conversation among bar patrons. You can stand there and hear women talk about a guy with an "alpha" personality, or hear a guy talk about actually being the "alpha male" in his group of friends. The last one always amazes me because it seams that no one ever argues with that person, I guess that means he is the alpha of that particular pack. I knew when I started to think about this personality trait, that one day I would see the truth behind it. "Alpha male mentality is described in the dictionary thusly: "The dominant member in a group of men. Holds strong influence over group activities. Has priority pick when it comes to sex with women".So the first problem we must break down in this comment is the fact that people seem to think all men are created equal. That is not the truth, While biologically human, our race has as many subclasses as the animal kingdom. Have you ever walked by someone and think,"Wow, that guy has a horse face!" Horse face, beaver teeth, oddly insectoid in there nature, it is a fact that people resemble animals and in some instances, plants. So what does this have to do with the alpha male mystique? Well it's simple. If you look at natures hierarchy you will see that some animals are more dangerous than others. I know that is an obvious statement but it is important to note. In short that means that if an alpha beaver and an alpha wolf tangle, the outcome is pretty much a given. Now, when an alpha squirrel and an alpha rabbit clash, the conclusion is not so easy to see. There are, of course, free radicals in all things, say the alpha porcupine holds it's ground for a while against the top eagle in the aerie, there is a good chance the eagle will leave it alone, neither alpha wins, instead the call a draw. Free radicals and random equalizers are what humans call the law of any given Sunday. It means on a good day you can kick anyones ass and on a bad day it's best not to go out lest the paperboy houses you on the corner on account of a poor Christmas bonus. Now we get to the pack mentality, as I said before a wolf and beaver fight has a forgone conclusion. Now what happens in that same fight if the alpha beaver is simply distracting the wolf until the beta and the omega beavers can flank it and smack it in the back of the head with a pipe? Suddenly the tide turns toward a beaver win and can be bad for the wolf unless he was smart enough to call the pack on his cell phone and tell him what part of the forest he was near. But, unless a car full of wolves pulls up before it gets messy, there is a good chance that old wolfie will end up in the animal ER. It works much the same with people. My new hobby at work is trying to figure out which subclass each alpha fits into. No one will be surprised that there are several groups of people that would fall under the "pest" label yet, very few wolf or lion people. There is a guy downtown that I believe falls under the "moose" category and many, many sheep. Myself, I don't know what I am, I guess, being as anti-social as I am, it is hard to say. Many of my friends are as anti-social as me and have no chosen leader of any particular group of friends. Alpha sociopaths I suppose you could say we all are in a way and are only a few shots of whiskey away from sailing up and down the western coastline in search of pillage. None of that wussy loot or booty, not any of the pirate crap. I'm talking about good old Viking pillage and plunder.

Time for football talk.

For quite a few years of my life I have been a fan of football. American football, just to clarify and not "futball", that sport so adored by those uppity Europeans. Granted, in the last five years I feel that the owners are turning it into a wussy sport, really I guess this has been the case since the onset of the non-leather helmet and shin guards but in the last five years they have really banned a lot of the more violent options one has to do bodily damage to another player. That saddens me because it shows that the investment that has been put into some players, especially quarterbacks, is starting to outweigh the purity of the game. Also, taking Monday Night Football off of ABC and putting it on a cable network, that is just low. There are some people in this world that could only watch football on Monday nights. My dad lived in an area where cable television was not an option and FOX didn't have a high enough broadcast power so the only time he could watch football was on Monday nights. There are so many people living in rural areas that get no football at all anymore and it all comes down to corporate greed. The worst part is a lot of the old timers who where there in the golden age of the game don't even get to watch. Don't get me wrong, I love cable and satellite TV, I am a Green Bay fan living in California and am more than happy to be able to watch the games but it is kinda sad that the old aerial antenna days have past us by.
On another football note I am happy to see that superstition has not left the game. Last weeks Dallas, Philly game in with the 'Boys lost and Dallas QB, Tony Romo injured his thumb didn't come down to the players saying,"we just had an off day", or "The Eagles just wanted it more". No, instead many players and fans are blaming the loss on Jessica Simpson. The Breasty songstress and star of poorly conceived movies, as well as those ProActive commercials, is now dating Romo. Last Sundays game was Romo's worst performance since last December when Carrie Underwood, his girlfriend at the time, was in the stands. Terrell Owens, the man who could probably take the title "Mouth of the South", from former WWF manager Jimmy Hart, was quoted as saying, "Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite - in this locker room or in Texas Stadium,". So it was Jessica's fault then, huh guys? The loss had nothing to do with the fact that Dallas only attempted fourteen running plays against a team with a mediocre run defense. How about T.O. slipping in the third quarter and letting the ball go right to the safety behind him? I suppose that was Jessica's fault too. I am sure the loss had nothing to do with the fact that it was a divisional rivalry game and the fact that the Eagles were trying to stay alive in the playoffs. Well, whatever the reason I will say this, if Jessica is to blame for Romo's poor throwing I hope she shows up in something skimpy and distracting if The Packers have to go back to Dallas in the playoffs. Also I would appreciate it quite a bit if, while going up to deflect a pass, Charles woodson would accidentally rip T.O.'s tongue right out of his mouth. This should not effect his play long term but it will make football more pleasant for everyone.

Wow, just wow!

So here are some snippets from a news story out of New Jersey. They detail the escape of two prisoners from a highly secure section of an Elizabeth County Jail holding cell. See if this is familiar to you.
"Two inmates escaped from a county jail, hiding the holes they made in the walls by putting up photos of bikini-clad women, officials said."

"The county prosecutor's office said the two apparently removed cement blocks from two walls, squeezed through the openings, jumped to a rooftop below and then made it over a 25-foot-high fence."

"The men helped cover up the break by placing dummies under their bed blankets, and hiding the wall holes with magazine photos of women in bikinis, authorities said."

If you think you recognize this wily scheme, that is because all of these steps happened in either "Escape from Alcatraz", the 1979 Clint Eastwood film and the Steven king film, "Shawshank Redemption", 1994, starring Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. Both what I consider to be among the top rated escape movies of all time, also two movies that you would expect a prison guard or two, to have watched. When a movie that is in line with your career comes out, you tend to take notice. Pot dealers love "Half Baked", members of the mafia enjoy "Good Fellas" or "The Godfather (I and II, never 3)". Closet homosexuals can't get enough of "Top Gun". So you would have to expect that one member of the Elizabeth County Jail employee system would have seen a prison break movie, hell, even the TV show, "Prison Break". Did they never turn that show on, not even for a moment? I just don't get how you don't expect this sort of thing, you may as well let people just hang out in an unlocked yard and use the honor system. " Now Billy Bob, there ain't nothin' keepin' you from just runnin' outta here and joinin' back up with the gang but I hope ya'll got more respec fer me than ta go an do that", Says the warden as he inhales enough glue fumes to kill off what's left of his gray matter. I just wanted to inform everyone of this. TV and movies are good for you and can actually save peoples lives and your own from an embarrassing social and political faux-pa and/ or manslaughter.

Suggested films for jail/prison guards:
Cool Hand Luke, Escape from Alcatraz, The Great Escape, Oh Brother Where art thou, Stalag 17, Papillon, Shawshank Redemption, Escape from New York (just because it is good), Midnight Express, the list goes on and on. In all of these films you can see criminals that out smart police and guards using their above average intelligence and charm. Since these are movies and the people are much smarter than many real criminals, it is almost mind numbing to think about how stupid the people that are supposed to be protecting us are getting.

Short Story, A Tall Tale.

Benjamin Statler woke up one day and discovered that he was six foot, five. Most people gradually grow into their height but for Ben it had happened, literally over night. Now, going from a typically average five foot, six, to a whopping six, five over night would be an astounding growth spurt for even the heartiest of teenagers but for a twenty three year old man it is not unlike a miracle from Gods own hands. "Wow", Ben thought as he stared at his reflection in the, once full length, hallway mirror,"Looks like someone is gonna get some stares at the office today". Another extraordinary happening was this, Ben had seemingly gained almost twenty pounds of lean muscle as well as his new found stature. He didn't know how this blessing had come to him but, at that moment, he didn't care. It was time to get ready for work and to face a new day. The pushes and shoves Ben usually endured on the subway weren't as bad anymore. It is easy to push around a small man in but when you have to push around a six, five, two hundred, twenty pound monster, you think twice. Then there was the pretty girl at the coffee shop. She still says she has a boyfriend but he could see ,by the way she looked up into his eyes today, it wouldn't be long before he got into her pants. Sandy at reception actually tried to pretend to ignore him, even when he leaned close and tapped her on the shoulder. She acted like she was too busy to talk, acted flushed and aggravated but he could tell she was just excited by his raw sexuality. As he approached his desk he could see his boss, Mr. Thompson waiting to greet him. Old man Thompson must have seen him walk in and wanted to jump on the big guys fan wagon, now he would regret giving the outside sales consultant promotion to that pretty boy Nelson. "Well, good morning Mr. T, how's the family today, big guy?", Ben said, in his most playful and arrogant tone. "Morning Staler, just wanted to tell you that the nurse that took your information for the company health insurance screwed up, these things need to be accurate, that's what the lawyers say. Now I need you to go down there and get your height and weight reverified today. Hell, if you're six, five I'm Marie Antoinette" at that Mr. Thompson turned and walked away, away from short, chubby, not at all interesting Benjamin Statler.

brain Freeze. A short story of loss.

It was 9 AM on Tuesday when I found Carols letter. "Dear Brian", it began," I'm so sorry, I can no longer live this way. I never meant to hurt you like this but, I have met someone else. It has been going on for a couple weeks and I could no longer live the lie. My heart aches so much as I write this letter. I am truly sorry it had to come to this. Love Carol. PS. Don't try to look for me, my cell is disconnected and I will be living far, far away."
I am not sure why I couldn't just accept it, truth be known things haven't been that good between us for quite some time now and I was thinking about ending it myself. I guess it's just different when you are the dumpee and not the dumper. So I got on the phone and started making calls. First to Carols cell, sure enough, disconnected. Next, I called her aunt Nell, they had been growing apart lately but I figured with this new development at least she might have told Nell where she would be going. If Nell knew anything, she wasn't telling me but she didn't seem surprised or that upset, infact she said she expected this for a while and explained how Carol did the same kind of things for most of her young life, attaching herself to men, using them and then running away. Carols parents were next on the list, they told me the same story, even tried to apologize for their daughters actions. "It's not your fault", I told them, " I was just gullible and in love, well let me know if you hear anything". Friends, co-workers, everyone I spoke to ended up telling me the same stories. Carol was a user, she would make you fall in love with her then rip out your heart. The signs were there for me to see them, I guess I just didn't want to. Love is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid, being in love is like being Helen Keller overdosed on codeine. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted, plus I was on the phone most of the afternoon and had forgotten to eat. Nothing in the kitchen fridge but I was pretty sure I had some ice cream in the basement coffin freezer. Ah yes, there it was one pint of Cherry Garcia, a little bit of blood frozen to the outside but I don't think it soaked through. I pondered the irony of the name "coffin freezer" as a stared into Carols lifeless, ice covered eyes, I couldn't see the face of the man being that his neck was twisted completely backward. It's amazing the strength you can summon when you are hurt and enraged. Oh well, I need to eat and get some rest, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow gonna take a trip up to Carols family cabin and see if she shacked up with her man there, gotta remember to bring a candle and a wrench, I think they turn the gas off in the fall when they aren't using it.

More news from the Stupid Files.

Every time I wake up and read the daily news bites, I find something that I consider, stupid. Some days, however, are more stupid than others. I want to hand out to awards today, one goes to Mike Galanos of CNN's Prime News, Get to the Point, segment. The other goes to a Mr. Bill Johnson and the entire community known as the American Decency Association, another annoying Christian watchdog group that is uncomfortable with anything that might arouse them. Well, Galanos and Johnson both agree with some Indiana mall shoppers, that the displays of lingerie on store manequins at Victoria's Secret, are too racy. Galanos and Johnson also applauded Victoria's Secret, when they broke under pressure from the uptight patrons and changed the manequins outfits. Galanos was bothered by two things, the sexy dress of the manequins and the ten foot picture of a model in lingerie, stating that these things could be viewed by children. He seemed to be truly troubled by this. I often ponder how terrified our society is of plastic crotches, sans vagina or pictures of, allusions to, or anything the shape of, tits, that we have to shield children from it. A creature that was created from coitus and bodily fluids, squeezed out of a vagina and raised feeding off of breasts and parents feel the need to steer them clear of anything that will make them think about sex. That amazes me. It all goes back to the ancient and antiquated belief that we should be overly ashamed of sex. Galanos, I give to you the," I am fearing the day I have to explain sex to my kids award". This award goes to a man who obviously never got comfortable enough with sex and the female body to treat it with the respect and admiration it deserves. I bet he even hides his Playboy magazines like a thirteen year old masturbation junkie, instead of leaving them on the coffee table like a man would. But that award aside, I save my biggest award for Bill Johnson and the ADA (not the American Dental Association). There is a reason why, when traveling through middle America, I don't like to slow down and it is people like this. The original Quakers who landed on our shores with their chastity and small pox, are long dead and good riddance. Yet we still have groups like the ADA, this is their mission statement feel free to look it up yourself "The mission of the American Decency Association is to educate its members and the general public on matters of decency; to initiate, promote, encourage and coordinate activity designed to safeguard and advance public morality consistent with biblical Christianity." Basically this is another group that wants to use their moral compass to guide our lives. He also suggested that Victoria's Secret was pornography. Dude, I know pornography when I see it and that ain't pornography, there wasn't even a midget with a whip in the window, how could that be porno? See, old Billy boy is just another one of the millions of people in this country that are scared of leaving their comfort zones long enough to grow up. He even said, " Pornography is addictive, it's damaging, there are guys that are getting set off by this stuff." This is the mentality that breeds serial killers and rapists. Sure, these problems would still exist if we lived in a less uptight society but I guarantee they wouldn't be as common. Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, look into the childhood of any one of them and I bet dollars to donuts that you find a lot of religiously backed beatings. So to Mr. Bill Johnson goes the "Trying to ruin everyone else"s fun because I am afraid I might get an erection and have to hide in the closet cutting myself", award. Thank you and have a good day.