Just a quick note to the four or five people that read the crap I write. I have been busy working on scenicbrews.com as of late and a poorly thought out attempt at a book so ranting here is not foremost in my mind but I do mean to get back at it in the future. Feel free to check out the Adroit Alcoholic and other articles by me at www.scenicbrews.com.
So begins my rant on America and organized religion. I hope I can find cracks that have not already been filled by Bill Hicks and George Carlin, not that I am comparing myself to either of their genius but I also don't wish to plagiarize any ideas.
I am not religious, let's get that out of the way. I do not subscribe to any religion nor do I commit myself to any church. Actually, I don't even hold to a standard routine. I do believe this, life is an experience, make the most of it and try to have fun without being too much of an asshole. Life doesn't begin pretty and doesn't end well, so you may as well live it instead of sitting on the sidelines letting it live you. Now I understand that everyone lives their life the way they see fit, I get that but what is the driving factor in ninety nine point nines to almost infinity in human development? It is the fear of dieing. We all fear the end of our lives, some of us fear the pain some of us fear the lack of bowel control, some of us fear the unknown and what comes after. It is a very minute portion of humanity that does not fear death and I am sure those few do actually recant when the bomb goes off or the bullet rips through their ribs, it's just human nature, everybody poops and everybody fears death. I will go into my views of the fear of death another time but now I would like to write about a subsection of the fear of death; The fear of HELL!
I was not raised to believe in Hell so I grew up with a different view point than my many Lutheran and Catholic school mates. Even in Kindergarten I remember other kids warning me about Hell and all the unholy assforking therein. Of course that all seemed plausible when I was six years old as did a canine shoe shine boy that had secret super powers and a pic-a-nik basket stealing bear. All things seemed possible in those young, innocent days, I also started to fear Hell. This vial place of torment, where the evil people were jabbed with red hot pokers for eternity, yet they never calloused. I find that odd because I chop wood for fun actually and get callouses in about two days that take the whole Winter to go away, I guess spirits of the damned just heal faster. You don't suppose, after a few years of getting eviscerated, that Prometheus just started twiddling this fingers and telling that damned bird to finish eating so he could get some rest?
At the point that I slightly feared the thought of a Hell, I had to find out why people went there, apparently, you can go to Hell for absolutely everything, really. That is unless you repent, then you can do it all again, as long as the next Sunday, you repent, better yet, just give the church money. God must have money burning a hole in his pocket the way he spends it. Nothing your priest, pastor or parish needs more than a God given Mercedes Benz. Luckily God provides the faithful with their Rolex's, high end vehicles and way better than yours housing because, if they were actually purchased by the man of the cloth, using money that was meant for the church, that is probably some kind of sin; In which case, they'd go to Hell, unless they were really sorry. Case in point, the 1988 confession of Jimmy Swaggart after he was caught in flagrante delicto while getting his shmeckle shined by a local lady of the night (hooker not vampire). "I have sinned against you!" Jimmy cried and caterwauled into the three thousand TV stations that he appeared on. He was disgraced, sent down, reproved and then, brought back to his original status. Then, in 1991, he got caught with another hooker on his beanpole. Jimmy will not be going to Hell however, because he feels bad about his repeated offenses. Pat Robertson, a jackass of epic proportions, is also supposed to avoid Hell, even though he is a hate motivated fear jockey that tends to spit venom at anyone that isn't funding the 700 Club. Yes the Scotland hating, Chavez assassinating, Dover, PA. school district bashing, Haiti's earthquake was caused by a pact with the Devil-ing, asshat of such proportion that only Cecil B. Demille could get his ego into frame, is supposedly going to avoid Hell. So who will be going to Hell? Well from what I read, pretty much everyone. For purposes of making a long article shorter I will avoid Xibalba, Helvede, Olam Habah, Jack Burton and the Hell of the Horny Dragon and I will focus on Christian, especially Fundamentalist, Hell.
"I am all over pain, and I shall never be eased of it. I lie under exquisite torment of body, and horror of soul; and I shall feel it forever."
These are the words of john Wesley, co-founder of the Methodist movement, sounds like it Hell is pretty bad but just a little arousing too doesn't it? "Exquisite torment of body", yeah I'm nipped too, that is some horny stuff (devil pun). I have shared with many people, my thoughts on eternal torture, it's a pretty silly idea really. I suppose it is effective for the vast majority of people in this world, the ones who barely know what is going on around them, those people would have a hard time imagining what they would do if they went to a place like Hell. The horrible pain and torment, the wicked burning, that you would not be able to feel...here it comes... because your nerves died with your body! Drum roll me out Max I've proved thousands of years of religious doctrine to be missing the whole point. If you poke a guy in the back with a super heated branding iron, he will feel pain. Why? Because the human body is riddled with millions upon millions of nerves. These are the things that make us feel the pleasure and the pain in life. The wacky thing is that when you cack off your Earthly wiring, your nerves stay in the skin. There fore, if man has a soul as some speculate and said soul peels away from the body, all the physical pain receptors stay with the corpse. I am no expert on energy beings but I doubt that they feel pain. Yes, Captain Kirk and company did make several energy beings seem to be in pain but I will believe that was just science fiction until the day I make it with a hot alien chick; No waiting on boob three, boob three, no waiting.
The physical pain argument set aside then, we move to mental anguish. Some believe Hell is a place full of brain torture. The evil ones attack your soul using mind freakin'. This is a more realistic idea than physical torture, mostly because the average human mind is weak as a crippled kitten. Maybe the weak minded people with limited imagination, go to a place like Hell and just can't figure a way out. Actually in the "Apocryphal" Jesus travels to Hell to save souls from damnation. In the "Prose Edda", Hermod goes to Helheim to see if he can get his brother Balder released. Orpheus would have made it out of Hades with Euridice, if he didn't, in an almost Lot's wife kind of way, look back to make sure she was there. Alex Hergensheimer, traveled to Hell to save Marga. There are so many literary examples of someone not staying in Hell because they were forced too. Many of them far older than Christianity. These facts may anger some people but they are facts none the less, not the myths but the age of the myths.
To me the idea of Hell seems like the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, the Boogie Man and Paul Verhoven, just stories made up to make children behave. It's a kind of brain washing that starts early and lasts until you die, maybe longer but I don't pretend to know that.
In Hell abiding religions, there is very few that tell you about children going to Hell, yes there is the Purgatory Horse crap which is a dogmatic belief and not mentioned in any bible I know of. It's just made up so people will pray more for souls of lost children. Innocence is just what it should be, innocent. do you really want to have deal with a higher power that treats children like they had a choice in dieing young or the way they were raise, misled or taught? That's just pathetic. How many children are in Hell? Zero. How many adults are there? All of them. Seriously, read the damned guidelines for going to Hell and going to Heaven. Even a castrated Sir Gallahad would be telling you Heaven is too hard to get to.
Lastly, Hell is at the core of our planet? If you believe this, you are no geologist, also the earth is flat, the Moon is cheese and you are super smart. By the way, why do some people believe doctrine created by people that used to cure diseases with leeches and bleeding and believed the Sun traveled around the Earth. These things have been debunked as silliness so come on, let's play catch up people. The big argument is that if there was no Hell, why would people be good? Look, you can have evil people that go to church every week and you can have good people that never set foot in a church. It is a matter of upbringing. You will find that most serial killers were raised in restrictive, religious, family environments. It's just in the profiles man, you can debate me but try and debate the F.B.I..
That is much of what I had to say on the topic of Hell, there is so much more but I will be amazed if you make it half way through this rambling. I welcome argument on what I have said as long as it isn't stupid bible thumping. No matter how much you have studied the bible you are still only guessing. That is a fact until you die and wake up somewhere else, or don't.
Next up I will go after religious hate speech in: Sectual Healing Part 2; religious Jackassery.
I had been sitting around waiting for something to write about but that wasn't working, so I went to the book store. The fortuitous part of popping on down to the compendium cache was that I happened to throw on the only relatively clean shirt that I found on the way to the door. This shirt just happened to be my Bad Religion t-shirt, the one with the red slash running through a crucifix. A wonderful shirt, red and white on black, a real comfortably beaten up shirt that matches all my outfits from shorts and flip flops to jeans and boots, that shirt works perfectly into my ensemble. Fast forward to me, standing in the checkout line, books in hand awaiting my turn to give away some money. In front of me is a couple, middle age, soft of belly and pale of flesh in the typical, non-labor worker, sort of way. The woman turns to look at me, I say hello, she looks at my shirt and her eyes widen. Her husband was also glancing back and his eyes widened a bit as well. The woman let out a huff of air, in obvious disapproval of something. Her husband quickly tightened his grip around her shoulders, trying to calm her down, it didn't work. "What do you suppose Jesus would say about that shirt?" the woman asked me, acid spitting from her lips. "I don't know but I doubt he would be a dick about it." I retorted. The woman's eyes lit with rage, her cheeks flushed with anger and her ass sagged with fat. In typical Minnesota fashion, she mumbled under her breath and looked away, glancing back now and then to see if I had changed my mind about my disdain for her particular brand of holier than thou-ism. I hadn't, she left. I purchased my books and headed to the local caffeinated beverage hut so that I may purchase one. I walked through the door, took my place in line and realized that I was being sneered at. Once again, a couple was in front of me and the woman didn't like my shirt. "What would Christ say about that shirt?", she asked me. "He would probably agree that crucifixes suck.", was my answer and I watched the woman huff in anger and then display some more passive aggressive traits, common among Minnesotans. Two run ins like this in such a short time span made me both gleeful and pensive. I was always a big fan of Mad Magazines "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions section and any time these things fall into place for me, I am filled with joy. Yet, any time I am confronted by one of those, arrogant about their own stupidity, types I become very thoughtful. Mostly because I don't understand them. This is why I have decided to write several self catharsis posts that I may exercise the evil imps that all the recent stupidity in the world have placed in my head. I shall start with religion, then over to some politics, then maybe religion and politics , then, who knows? I hope you will come with me on this less than interesting trip through my unstable mind.
Coming soon: Sectual Healing.
I have had my ability to write molested by a four ton rhino with a sexual affliction towards anal cutting. Long story short, having a bit of a bad time. Will write in the future. Don't you all worry, I still hate everything. Later.
What the hell Seether, you South African crap rock rats, did you really have to go and remake Careless Whisper? Wasn't Wham doing this song enough? Apparently not. Maybe the 80's was cool in South Africa but here most people not currently sporting mullets, would tell you how hard it sucked and now you have to take one of the worst things about the 80's and shove it up the ass of our society (actually the appropriate placement for a Wham song, cover or original)! It is a sad state for me that, at work, I am forced to hear other peoples radios playing and I am inundated with popular music from all sides, so you jag-offs had to make it worse? Damn you! You could have at least pepped it up a bit, Limp Biscuit absolutely sucks but at least they perked Faith up a bit when they covered it and that became their only partially decent song. If anything, you bastards slowed your cover down. When I was growing up, my sister would listen to Wham, all day, all horrible day. In fact she had a crush on George Micheal, like so many young girls back in those days, not having any idea how far up the wrong tree they were barking.
So you remake this song and now it's getting radio play. The great masses of reality TV watching drones have deemed it good enough to be pop and you are making money off of someone else's crappy song that you have re-crapitalized (ya new word) on and...Damn it thoughts failing me, anger steeping blood like hot tea whistling out of my ears. God how I hate you Seether, you and your ilk. You DisturbNickleCreedish bands and the indistinguishable, interchangeable, irrelevant, insipid, inane, and lethargic bile you spill out on our already weak minded society makes my ire hard to control. I tell you, if looks could kill I may consider going to one of your concerts. If all these bands had any humanity left inside, they would go eat molten lead until the fart hot death and burn. Stupid song.
This is an open rant about some folk I don't really know, yet I truly hate. I ran afoul of this strange creature in a Super America while I was getting caffeinated beverage. Now, to get this little story you must accept the sad fact that the punk ideal is dead and has been since Malcolm Mclaren killed it by stuffing a fashion show down it's gullet in the early 70's. Any time after that in history, anyone who loudly shouted "I'm a punk rocker", or wore a very fabricated jacket with an Anarchy symbol, some safety pins and a Swastika with or without a big red line through it, was most likely just a kid caught up in a fashion trend. I myself was guilty of several such infractions as a youth. The sad fact of the whole "Punk" look is that for some it makes them feel like they are outsiders, dangerous and they believe they frighten other people. This was once true, however familiarity does breed contempt and people hardly notice such things anymore in most societies. I guess if you dressed up like a gutter punk and marched through a small Missouri community that was brimming over with Evangelical Christians, you may turn a head or two but in any large city, you are just another smelly asshole. Recently I had the misfortune to bump into a couple of guys at a convenience store near my work. Both of them were clad in outfits that looked more like uniforms than statements on their individuality. They also had taken their emo hair and used gel to make it look like they both had mohawks. When deuchebags do this, I suppose they think it looks tough but honestly, Rosario Dawson looked tough like that in Sin City, everyone else just looks like a retard that got a hold of a bottle of L.A. Looks unattended. One of them also wore an Obama button and an Anarchy symbol, which would have been hilarious if it wasn't so damn sad. These two walked around the store for a bit, obviously trying to attract attention, as if to say "Watch us, we might do bad things". Which is the opposite of what you do if you actually plan on doing something criminal in a Super America. These guys weren't young either, younger than me, yes but not teenagers whom you accept as idiots because you remember being that stupid once. Long story short. They bought a couple bags of some kinda nut and a four pack of RedBull, salt and caffeine being staples of the counter culture revolution, I suppose this was the most "Punk" thing they did but they actually paid for it so they lose points there. Then they went outside and got into a Lexus. Sad, stupid jagoffs.
Many years back, when I was in High School, (if you aren't supposed to experiment with drugs, why is it called High School?) I was dared to make a Christmas story dirty. So I told it in a suggestive way that made it seem very sick indeed, not that that foul holiday needed any help but it was fun at any rate. Now, many, many years later, I have had time to hone my pervy craft to the keenest of blades. In fact, my friends and I have set out on a several year mission to find the dirtiest phrases and place them into conversation in a humorous way. The effect is that this act renders the word less dirty and more humorous, to a few people at least. You will always have that one person that believes booger or fart are filthy words and would go into a coma if say, dog in a bathtub or rusty trombone were explained to them. I am no George Carlin but I feel that to master the the English language and the vast humor that lies within, you must understand the worst parts of it. Dirty words and phrases are a very important part of that and they are, as a group, the most unchanged yet evolved speech we have. One of the biggest problems I have had on stage in the past was the fact that I would say something, something that wasn't dirty or shocking to me and the audience would go numb for a bit. However, if given time, more than three lousy minute, I could turn them around and make them feel sick for laughing at my bad person thoughts. Sadly, in doing this, I found I was not educating people. I was being called a shock comic, I was being grouped with Howard Stern and his ilk. I was saddened by this in a rare showing of emotion. I told an audience that being funny wasn't funny anymore and I walked off stage for a few years. I hope to get back up there in the next couple of years, write some more stuff and give it another try. See if people can grow up and deal with my dementia. I think I am just writing this because last night my girlfriend told me she fully expected me to go insane some day. She thinks it's weird that I laugh uncontrollably at things in my head. My friend Marty gets it but I think he believes I lost my mind years ago. I just hope, one day, I find the connection in verbiage I am looking for. Dirty words are people too.
I have to briefly pimp my blog about pooping. please go to www.fecesfiles.blogspot.com and tell me what you think.
Why am I not rich and famous? This is a question the recently was handed to me by a coworker. He found out that I used to do stand up comedy and that I plan to again someday. The coworker said "You know what I like? That Larry the Cable Guy. You should do something like that. People like that guy a lot. Git 'er done." Seeing my eye twitch and my face fall a bit, he continued, "What, you don't like Larry the Cable Guy? Everybody likes him. What's wrong with you?" Here is a mistake many people make in my life. A) Asking my opinion and B) Equating popular with good.
Asking my opinion of something is not unlike playing Russian roulette. There is a good chance I won't say anything that bothers or offends you but, when the right chamber clicks into place, you should not act amazed that I opined a hole in your skull. Now just because seventy percent of the populace enjoys your act does not mean it's good, actually, it tends to mean just the opposite. Not in every case mind you but in many. Look at how the Redneck Comedy Tour sells out arenas but last time I saw the Comedians of Comedy tour it was at about a quarter capacity. Thousands of people will go to a Linkin Park concert but Flogging Molly and Anthrax are small venue only. In all actuality, being good at what you do and taking pride in your work tends to get you no where. Mass appeal is a two edged sword. Great, a large percentage of people love you and you have a comfortable amount of money but, and this is the point, that does not mean you don't still suck. More over, just because fifty people I know might like you doesn't mean I do. And having money doesn't make you a master at a craft. Tom Cruise is a crap actor, he is wealthy. Donald Trump is a wealthy realtor that has gone bankrupt at least three times and is still rich. Jackie Collins has made more money in her life time than Robert Hienlen. Oh, oh, oh L. Ron Hubbard, wrote like a retarded first grader and his "teachings" have earned billions. That should shore up my point I think.
So what happens every time I try to make the popularity to talent point? Some shmoe take offense and asks my why I am not rich yet, if I am so good. People take offense to you not liking what they like or even not liking them. That's funny to me. I don't care if not everyone likes me, doesn't bother me one bit. Ergo, when I offend someone with my views, not a damn give I. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be rich and if that day ever comes, I will be happily drunk two hours later but for right now I am fine being slightly under middle class and proud of my aggression towards normalcy and my lack of a catch phrase.
I can't take this anymore. I have been trying to compile a list of movies, pre- 80's, for a friend of mine and there is too many. So I said screw it, I want to write about other things and since I know the guy, I can just tell him what he should check out and not wrack my brains about this anymore. I wash my hands of the whole ordeal. Sorry if I disappoint anyone but I have crumbled this particular cookie in this way. Maybe one day I will publish the list but it will be long as hell.
Recently my friend Joe asked me to write a list of my favorite "classic" movie that I would suggest he see. That is a real tough one. I had to decide what I considered classic and what I considered just amused my own strange sensibilities. I decided that the dictionaries definition of the word was best, IE: "Classic: A work recognized as definitive in its field" that works for me so let us now talk fields. No let's not talk fields, that will stretch this into an all night write and an all day read. I will just tell you a few of my classic picks that I will watch every time they are on, some of these are simply clumped by actors by the way. Oh, I will also not venture into the 80's or beyond.
That said, first their are the Marx Brothers, if Groucho and Chico never made you laugh then you have either never seen them in action, or you are a very boring person and must stay away from me. Then absolutely anything with Cary Grant in it, the man was the embodiment of what a Hollywood acting legend should be, Philadelphia Story(1940), His Girl Friday (1940) and Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)top the list of Grant movies for me.
I am a big fan of Basil Rathbone and Nigel Planer in the Sherlock Holmes series for m the 40's and 50's. I consider these must sees if you are a Homes fan that is. The Lady Killers(1955), the remake was good but the original was messed up and had Sir Alec Guinness in it. On the subject of Sir Guinness, the movie Murder by Death (1976), which he is in as well, is one of the greatest comedies of all time. Okay one foray into the 80's, Clue (1985) is the grand child of murder by death and must also be seen.
Now if you have a Steve McQueen movie anywhere that to, you must watch. The Great Escape (1963) The Cincinnati Kid(1965) and of course the Magnificent Seven (1960) top my list there. Since I am on the subject of the Magnificent Seven I should also point out its grand father, the Seven Samurai(1954) the Akira Kurosawa master piece see that also.
Okay this will take forever like this so what I will do is compile a list decade by decade and when it is done I will put it up for your perusal okay? sounds good.
Damn you Joe, there is not enough hours in the day for this kind of mad typing.
Here this will be fun and this way everyone can understand the "One of us" chant my friend Marty and I do to people on the street. Google the movie Freaks(1932) and stare in awe of the scene where the guy with no arms and no legs sloshes towards a person with a knife clenched in his teeth.
I had a thought the other day. Some of my friends and I were discussing activists like the ones on that show Whale Wars or those people you see at Green Peace rallies. These people take saving animals to an extreme, placing themselves in the line of fire so they can save a creature or two. Standing on a dingy between a spear gun and a mammal that forgot to evolve, leave the ocean and buy a digital watch (Thank you Douglas Adams), chaining themselves to trees to save a habitat and, I am sure, we have all seen the anti-fur protesters outside of your local Macy's, picketing and releasing Patchouli fumes into our ozone. It is these anti-fur folks that I have the biggest problem with. Not because of their tactics or motives but the fact that they are avoiding the most obvious play on their activist chessboard. So listen hippies and listen well, I will only explain this to you once.
The plan is simple. Go into the forest, find an cute, fuzzy animal that you wish to keep safe and vested and wipe it slowly across your anus. Yes you read it write, unless you're dyslexic, place that beloved, woodland critter betwixt your scrawny, fetid cheeks and give it a good knuckle drag and twist.
What is the purpose? If you can't guess, it's pretty simple. No up and coming parvenu would be caught wearing the skin of beast that was repeatedly raked on ones rectum (damn near killed 'um. that one is for my friends). Instead these people would be forced to move on to a more feces free cloth. Faux, non-pooped on fur springs to mind. If you have ever been in your bathroom, cleaning it after a party and discovered a strange looking scrunchy of toilet paper that seems to have a brown streak evident on its surface, you will remember the level three Haz-Mat containment devices you broke out to deal with it. Now picture wrapping said TP wad around your neck and wearing it to the regatta.
So come on hippies, start snatching and wiping. Sure you may get bitten or scratched. Maybe you will catch the rabies. Really thought, isn't that a small price to pay for the safety of a species? I say no. Now the simple fact that I am not in league with the activists, I do not condone nor disapproves of their actions, you may wonder what stake I have in all this. It's simple really. Watching a bunch of hippies get mauled by wild animals they are trying to shove into their cracks would be really funny and the videos would sell more that Girls Gone Wild and Bum Fights combined.
Here is a slogan:
Dependence on fur will surely shrink, just wipe your ass with a mink.
Someone recently told me that I watch too much television. They said it rots the brain and doesn't do anything for mental, or spiritual growth (hippies). I say that is untrue. Television can not only help you break free of social taboos but it can also expand your mind and teach you about tolerance. So I give you eleven things I have learned from various TV shows throughout my life.
1) Miami Vice taught me that Florida was a tolerant state being that an interracial, gay couple could become the top vice detectives in city laden with machismo and Glenn Frye music.
2) C.S.I. has taught me about the dangers of being a hot woman in any major city in the U.S. Now I know if any of my female friends go to Vegas, New York or Miami (again) they will be raped and killed within the first five minutes of their arrival if they are not prepared properly. Avoid poorly lit hotel rooms, alleyways and the desert, oh and pools after hours and you should survive.
3) I never learned anything from the show Growing Pains but, years later, when I discovered The Way of the Master, an evangelical website, hosted by Kirk Cameron (Mike Seaver), I learned that not all child stars turn to drugs, booze and sex and end up dieing young in a gutter but some of them should.
4) Syndicated television has taught me the importance of actual swear words when trying to act like a tough guy. "Yippie ki-yay Mister Falcon" and "Why don't you suck my donkey?" just don't cut it for me.
5) The media, with all it's biases and back and fourths, can still really come together as one and truly help out when a hot, white girl vanishes.
6) In the early years of television, most bathrooms did not have toilets. It was considered to be poor taste to show one on television. That is why I have a TV in my bathroom, as a subtle protest to the old ways. Also I poop a lot and hate missing Spongebob.
7) The British are way more relaxed than us when it comes to TV. In the 80's in America, it was thought to be pushing the envelope to say the word ass. At the same time in the U.K., you could regularly hear the words twat, assface, bitch, feck, arse and semprini.
8) There is always room for Jell-o and there is always room for naked jell-o wrestling as long as Bill Cosby has nothing to do with it. Just to cover this once more, since I have in other blogs. If I had stolen my dads car like Theo did in one episode of the Cosby Show, I would have gotten a hell of a lot worse than just grounded, flayed alive and fed to ants is more like it. Stupid nuclear family B.S.
9) Good beers are rarely advertised but ass beers are everywhere. What does that tell you about the tastes of the average American?
10) The show Lock-up Raw has finally helped even the playing field for suburban kids that want to be gangsta but don't know enough about prison slang to be accepted by real thugs. Plus, finally my shank making skills can improve.
11) Last of all, television has taught me that if I concentrate hard enough, if I stare long enough, if I strain my mind to it's breaking point, I can delete all thought from my head for at least a half an hour at a time. I can have a brief respite from the rage and evil that wells up within me when I have to face the stupidity of the average Gump on the street. Then I see a commercial for Oxi Clean or Disorono on ice and the monster is right back in my throat.
Thanks for watching.
Just a quick thought that has I need to get out there. I work in a warehouse. About 98% of the people I work with are male. Absolutely all of them are old enough to be out of high school. At our work we are aloud to listen to the radio. Okay, that out of the way, let me tell you of my sorrow. These people tend to only listen to two radio stations. Either the Nu-metal, jock rock station or the local tweenie, hip-hop/ top forty station. Being that I walk around this warehouse about a million times a day, I have no choice in radio stations and, I am serious here, it is always the same stations every day. My questions, feel free to answer if you like.
Is Metallica really still that popular? That's a big one for me. I grew up listening to a lot of metal and in the mid to late eighties they were pretty good but after the massive sell out into Gapfaggery, aren't they just washed up? I was never happy with them and that damned Black Album but the song Unforgiven two, they can stick that right back up the horses ass they pulled it from. I love Kill Em All, Ride the Lightening and it's ilk but now they are just sad and way too popular. Dethklok rocks way harder than they do now and Dethklok is a cartoon. Sad, pathetic, pathetisad.
Now I come to Pink. Ah the perky minx, her hair all mussed and her moles now seemingly non-existent. Boy, she is popular so popular that apparently some damn radio stations feel the need to play her newest song "So What" about a jillion times a day and make a remix just to change it up a little. Look, Pink is hot. She seems like the insane girl you had a crush on in high school but never made a move on because you heard a story about her burning an ex-boyfriends penis with a cigarette. Now, I hate her songs but not as much as I hate certain other pop diva music but I am seriously wondering how many more times I can hear that song in the background of my work before I jump in front of a forklift. Plus, no Pink. you are not a rock star, you are a pop star. It's different, so stop trying to blur the lines. Not taht they aren't overly blurred as it is. The fact that grown, working class men feel the need to listen to this is dumbfounding to me.
okay, parting thoughts about radio play.
If you like Linkin' Park, go pick up an old 311 album, not that they were that good either but far more bearable.
If you like Metallica's new album, go but Master of Puppets it is a far superior album with no retarded ballads that do not belong in a metal album.
If you are an Offspring fan, go buy early Pennywise. That way you can listen to the sweet sounds of copy write infringement.
If you are a Disturbed Fan, go stick your head up the ass of a gassy babboon, the sound is clearer and more melodic.
If you are a fan of Kid Rock, go find something really high and jump off of it.
I just hadda say that.
Bye
I decided I had to chime in on this subject. The other day I walked into the break room at work and witnessed a circle of men and women surrounding one of the guys from the warehouse, shaking his hand and congratulating him. I edged closer to see what the big deal was. A promotion? a new car? A firmer penis in just five weeks? No. none of them. The big deal that he was accepting the kudos for was simply this, his wife was pregnant. Upon making this discovery I quickly tried to excuse myself from the room, knowing that, if I did not escape, I would be confronted with the rosy shouldered sperm donor. I did not escape, instead I was moved toward this man. He looked at me, expecting me to express my awe at his accomplishment. "My wife's pregnant", he said sappily. "Really?", I replied, "I brought a hoagie for lunch". There was suddenly a silence in the room, the kind of silence that is almost loud. Then some glares and uncomfortable laughter and then I was out of the room. I thought I had escaped but I was wrong. Later that day I realized that I was getting sneared at by a few of the local clucking hen party. I asked a friend if he knew why and he told me that I was very rude about the pregnancy news. Okay, i do not feel I was rude and I make no apologies for what I said. The fact is that people have been having babies for a while now, actually since the dawn of man I would venture. Maybe nine months after the dawn of man anyway. In fact, next to breathing and pooping, making babies may be the next easiest thing for a person to do. I don't congratulate people on eating or drinking water, that is, unless they eat the worlds biggest sandwich, then I might be inspired to cheer for them. Pregnancy though, that takes no skill, no training of body or mind and no education. In fact, babies are usually formed from an accident and that accident usually involves alcohol. If you can do it drunk and it doesn't involve balancing, it is not deserving of a slap on the back. Now, I would congratulate the mother but not because she was pregnant but after she had the kid, that is impressive. Think of the biggest dump you've ever taken, multiply it by fifteen and imagine it had shoulders and screamed, that is impressive. But there is no way I am gonna congratulate the guy. He did the easiest job in the world and he wants to be recognized for it? Screw him, oh way to dunk that cookie in milk Edger, here's a cigar. Dumb. I think it is way more difficult to go through life and not have a baby. I congratulate my friends when they don't impregnate anyone or anything. I think I will start throwing a yearly party. a "Hey you didn't have a baby" shower. With adult beverages and no stupid footy pajamas, unless that is what the strippers choose to wear to the party.
As you all know, we are about to switch Presidents. As per normal, when one President is about to leave office, he tends to pass as a few legislation's on his way out the door. Our current Pres. is no exception. Mr. Bush is trying to pass many, many little laws and legislation's before he gets the Presidential boot. Some of these are loosening restrictions on environmental and safety issues, which I consider bad hoodoo. Yet the worst thing, in my mind, (not to be mistaken for the actual "worst thing in my mind", which is sick and dark, like a chocolate bar mad of pure evil) is the Presidents power to elect people into certain offices. Alas a chair had recently opened on the National Arts Council and guess who Bush appointed, with the help of the Senate I might add. That's right kiddies, Lee (God Bless the USA) Greenwood. Yes, that Lee Greenwood, the butt monkey that actually sang that song at the Republican National Convention while wearing one of those, just super tacky American flag Leather jackets. Now, I am not opposed to people and their flag lusts but anyone, anywhere that puts on a flag, shirt, jacket, dress, or hat is a screaming douche in my book. I actually believe that the people that wear these items, wear them not out of patriotism but to avoid gay men. They know that any gay man worth his flames would not come within twenty feet of something that ostentatious ( note: I do not believe this applies to Hawaiian shirts). So now Lee Greenwood is going to be on the board that heads the NEA or the National Endowment for the Arts. The folks that help keep artist from completely starving, not that some of them shouldn't starve. I am a huge fan of starving, for instance, anyone that makes art from poop. Sorry, I retract that, if you can make a number two that truly conveys your emotions at that point in time, you should definitely get funding. Even more so if you can poop statues. God poop is funny. Lee Greenwood is not, however and now he has a say in who gets funding. Alright. can't wait to see the NASCAR commemorative Plate Museum or the Painting of dirty hick descending from his double wide.
I know I am being mean, music is an art form too right? Yes it is but so is a black and white photo of a young boy being sodomized by a pickle if its hanging up in the Guggenheim but that ain't art my friends, that's just a pervert getting away with it. That pretty much sets up how I feel about Lee Greenwood, just a pervert getting away with it. Come on he was just another two dollar whore until he jerked off the conservatives with that god awful song that is apparently meant to fill us all with pride in our country but just ends up making you feel like you ate a pie full of vomit. I guess if you toss a powerful enough salad it pays off in the end and old Lee's toungue will probably be numb until the new year from licking al the brown stamps in the White Hoes and the Senate. This all goes to show you. The rednecks are running the establishment. Really, I grew up around these people, they can't be trusted with matches or sexy animals. How can we trust them with the future of art?
A final point. It turns out that Lee was in rehab for a cocaine addiction in the early sixties. Wait, that was right around the time that George Bush Junior was getting into all his trouble with drugs too... and the puzzle pieces just fall into place don't they?
I have been hearing a lot of thingy about the Anti-Christ lately. You know, people saying that Obama is the Anti-Christ because he is a political figure, was unknown up until recently and was born in Hawaii. Apparently the AC is supposed to come from the water and I guess that implies Hawaii. Well, I decided to research this Anti-Christ business to help smooth it all out for you, my readers.
I began my research in the Bible. I was using a King James Bible because it is the most popular version in our country. Being that deciphering the Bible can be a mind numbing and tedious task, I grabbed myself a little glass of bourbon to help me relax. Two hours and a lot of bourbon later I was researching my television, face it, the Bible may be the greatest story ever told but it is really lacking in gunfights car chases and cleavage. I actually think that adding these very things to the Bible would dramatically increase church goership. The Ten Commandments was a pretty successful movie but if the Pharaoh had been played by Steve McQueen in a 1970 Boss 302. It would have been tha much better and instead of all those shawls and birkas, how about Rossario Dawson showing a little sweaty slave girl boobage? Maybe a velociraptor or two for dramatic tension. That could only make it better. Now I realize that is all far fetched but Hollywood can do some amazing CG stuff these days and, as I had been reading through all that wacky "Beast rising from the ocean" stuff, what I wrote didn't sound as far fetched at the time.
Now back to my research. Originally I was pretty sure that the Anti-Christ was Namor, the Sub-Mariner. After all he comes from the ocean and does have a lot of power, also he is reletively unknown, not like that flashy Aqua-man. Then I realized that he doesn't have any really powerful religious figure to help him control the world and the Anti-Christ needs that. I actually believe that his tag line "Sub-Mariner" either meens he is a gay bottom to a Navy navigator or, he delivers sandwiches in Atlantis for a living. It's hard to say, the Sub in Sub-Mariner could have several different definitions. One thing is for sure though, he donned the first faux-hawk.
More booze, more TV and suddenly I had a feeling that Higgins from Magnum P.I. was the Anti-Christ. He had his hell hounds, Zues and Apollo. A secret identity, Robin Masters. He lives in Hawaii, from the ocean. He rode in a flying demon, TC's chopper. It was all coming together. Then I realized that he also, did not have a strong religious leader to help him on his way to power.
I decide that I alone could not get to the bottom of this mystery so I gave up and ate an Ego in my hands, no plate, bourbon does that to a man. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Research done. Booze gone. Bible in the fireplace along with a stuffed Garfield window sticky and someones hat. God I love a good whiskey.
So the election is finally over and, love the out come or hate it, at least I won't have to hear about how hot Sarah Palin is for a while. Seriously, being crowned Miss Wasilla is the equivalent of being crowned Miss Sever Burn Ward. That aside, I can finally get back to writing about things that are truly close to my heart. Therefor I give you...
Joe Bjorklunds favorite Poop and fart references as well as my favorite dirty joke punchlines.
Please try to hold your applause until the end of the world as we know it.
Farting in public, for some odd reason, can be very embarassing to some people. I am not one to be embarassed by my butt gasses, however, I find being suave after letting one rip is kind of difficult. One way to save face and look like a hero in the eyes of lesser mortals is, after letting a loud one depart from betwixt flexxed cheeks, is to say "Whoa, theres the whistle, better get the luggage to the depot before the train gets in". This of course implies that you are sufferring from feces farts and must poop soon lest the gas become unbearable. This is a good tactic because it brings farting and talking about your bowel movement in public. This racks up the social taboo points and makes you look pretty cool, even to the most anti- poop conservative. Other good phrases to use in this situation are " There's the starting gun and Turtlehead is infront by a nose". You could also go with " The French horn is signaling the start of my first movement", this is to be used in very posh situations, obviously.
I was down here all night eating hot buttered corn. One of my favorite dirty joke punchlines. The joke in and of itself is not so good but the punchline has a certain special something.
Now back to poop.
If you have ever been attacked by one of those people that can't stop showing people pictures of their damned offspring, you know the guy or girl. They lurk around at your job, waiting for people to mention children and God help you once you do. A flip book of fat, ugly and bewildered by the camera flash children is suddenly forced upon you and since killing this person with a mallet and a well placed Snickers bar is illegal and will not only cost you your jobs but, send you off to the slammer where a convict named Big Meaty McAssrammer will tell you some of his favorite anecdotes about sodomy, you choose to drop the candy bar, take a deep breath and regret ever being born. Well, now there is a way out. Go home, sit down and begin consuming fiber like there was no tomorrow. After the fifth bag of oats you devour, go drink yourself a huge bucket of prune juice. Then wait. When nature takes its horrible sphincter ripping course, don't flush the by product of your intestines battle with wicker, instead, get some photos. Lots of photos, take a picture of your massive poo in the bathtub, get some shots in a crib, hell get a picture or two of you colon sculpture kissing grandma. The point is get pictures. Then all you have to do is place them in your wallet and wait. Wait until that asshat brings up his kiddie pics and then, break out yours. If the horror of seeing a giant bowel movement taking a bubble bath doesn't end their constant annoyances, I am confident that the picture labeled "Babies first spagetti dinner", will fix them and how.
Well, i was gonna tel more punchlines but I am tired and thinking about getting some vacation snaps of a turd in a onesie. So, good night gentle readers.
I ask the header question after watching the third Presidential debate. Obama and McCain bounced over their regular talking points and argued their points. McCain tried to attack Obama but seemed to strike with the accuracy and deftness of an elderly pit viper, that has lost its sensitivity to vibration and just cant seem to sense differentials in temperature as well as he once could, also, he has a partially paralyzed left snake muscle (note: I never claimed to be a snake biologist) and Obama was, well Obama. The guy was top of his class at Harvard and a trial lawyer to boot, not the best person to have to argue against. I was not impressed by either candidate, hell, I dislike both sides of the major political coin anyway. I was relatively bored throughout. Then, towards the end, something caught my mind. It was when the candidates were talking about education. A subject near and dear to my heart because of my seething hatred for the ignorant in our world. What was it? it was when McCain said this... Who May Apply: (specifically) Former members of the U.S. Armed Forces, including members of the Armed Forces Reserves may apply. Applicants must apply to the Defense Activities for Non-Traditional Education Support (DANTES) for assistance. Applicants aspiring to be an elementary or secondary school teacher must have a baccalaureate or advanced degree and:
"We need to encourage programs such as Teach for America and Troops to Teachers where people, after having served in the military, can go right to teaching and not have to take these examinations which -- or have the certification that some are required in some states"
Examinations? Certifications? I don't know bout you but, if I had kids, I would want them to have a certified teacher that can pass an exam or two. That is not what bugs my though. What got to me was the thing about sending people right from the military to teach without exams or certifications. I checked up on Troops to Teachers and, sure enough, they even want some certification to be a teacher, well, they want this...
Now this, I have no problem with. I had teachers that were ex military and they weren't all half bad. They new the subject they were trying to teach and the had the credentials and ability to teach it. Sure some of them were gung ho about getting us to sign up right out of school but most of them were alright. Then I thought back to my junior year of high school. I was in my Social Studies class when two Marine Drill instructors walked into the room. They sat for an hour telling us why we should join up and, they had an RV outside to collect preregistration info. That is the same year that our economics class had us take a non-voluntary ASVAB test (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery). This didn't bother me at the time, I was just a stupid kid but now that I am older and so much more cynical, it bugs the hell out of me. I have felt, for a good chunk of years now, that our government is trying to form a true, military police state. So this is what I heard in last nights argument.
First, calling Obama "Pro-abortion) that is a buzz word kind of deal used to rile up his religious zealot base. Fine, I can understand being against abortions and, when I look at most of the kids around me as I go grocery shopping, I can understand being pro-choice. Hell I think we should be able to abort certain adults if they don't stop having stupid children. The fact is the McCain wants more babies out there and he doesn't care if having the kid will kill the mom, baby first, mom second.
Next was the education issue. Why is education of such low importance to our government? Most of my teachers were atrociously ignorant and slow witted when I was growing up but apparently now, they are far worse. For decades or education systems funding has been eaten away by things the government has deemed more important and I am not just saying Republican government, it has been both sides of the isle here. Shouldn't teaching children how not to be completely ignorant be a top priority? I guess not.
Then you have all the medical garbage flying about, well, we know it would be near impossible to socialize medicine in America but, we also know that no one is trying to control costs in a market that is running rampant. One thing us poor folk do have on our side is the Hippocratic Oath. That is a help everyone or lose you license kind of thing. The scariest thing about McCains privatization of the medical industry idea is that it would throw that oath out the window and turn your pre-existing condition into the the medical equivalent of having really bad credit. Sure, you can drive or fly to another state for care but that is gonna cost you a hell of a lot more than five grand. Plus, I pay enough taxes as it is I don't need my insurance taxed as well.
Now, this is where I stretch it all apart and smush it into my point. What happens in a world full of poorly educated, babies that are worried about their future health? They join the military. It becomes really easy to assimilate kids when they grow up with teachers that talk about their service all the time. especially if those teachers don't really have the credentials to teach anything other than Phys-Ed. Sure, maybe I am reaching but, with all the other crap going on in our government, all the shady deals and over the top, secret "spy on your own people" kinda crap. I feel that reaching a little is fair. Maybe, if a few people caught it in time, Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin (even though, Stalin came in pretty well set up) could have been stopped just short of their little plans for world domination to really kick off and get a lot of innocent people killed.
I know, not as funny as usual but I think, if I ever win the lottery and move to the South of France like I would like to. Then the American police state comes to fruition. Then I will feel that this is much funnier, to me at least.
It was 2:30 AM and I was up, couldn't sleep, lazily flipping through the channel guide on my tv when something caught my eye. A show called "Transgender women in prison". I thought that sounded like a winner, figuring, since it was on that late it was probably one of those poorly acted and edited, soft core pornos that used to be run on "USA: Up all night" back in the late 80's. Regretfully, I did not take notice of the channel on which this movie was being broadcast. It was not on USA, Spike, The CW, TNT or even Telemundo. No, it was on the Womens Entertainment network and, also to my chagrin, it wasn't even a movie but a documentary about the lives of transgender inmates. How appauling. Here I am, bored out of my mind at 2:30 in the morning, thinking I have scored a late night BDSM flick that has been edited for content, which makes them, oh so funny, yet, there I was, faced with the horrors of a chickumentary that was like watching an episode of "Lock up, Raw" but everyone in it hated their birth genitals. Granted, when I realized the ow humor value of the show, I moved on. I would have taried a while if, say, a mustachioed gaurd holding a fire hose, would have, at any time walked up to a cell and said, "shower time ladies, get those uniforms off", then he licks his lips as if drooling. I am not kidding, that scene is in every movie of the "in prison/ in chains" genre. That is one of the things that makes them so beautiful to watch. So I will just say, I was saddened and disappointed, so I went back to the menu and reactivated my thumbs search for anything to relieve my ennui. Suddenly something else caught my eye and it looked like a winner. "Confessions of a go go dancer". "Hooray" I though, this one had to be a video nasty, with all the nasty spliced out. I immediately highlighted the selection, pressing the enter button, hand trembling in anticipation of getting to see a woman, strung out on cocaine and her ever budding hatred for the male gender as she grings her hips and breast on the body of a woman that she only ever thought of as a friend, until the night her no good, drunk, abusive boyfriend smacked her up a bit and left her crying on the couch, the slightest drip of blood on her quivering lip. Seriously, you gotta watch these movies, it is always like that. Well, the channel comes on and what do I get? Some "more than just friends" girl on girl dancing? No. How about a scene where a bad ex boyfriend gets hit by his ex girlfriend who stole his car out of the garage? Nope. Anything good and sexually and mentally degrading in any way? No. What I did get was a show about a girl that became a go go dancer to pay the bills and then her life went down the toilet and she went to therapy to figure it all out and blah, blah, blah. Boring. I went back to the channel guide and low and behold, I was on the Oxygen network.
So, in conclussion of this story I would just like to say this. Damn you womens entertainment networks of the world. Your misleading titles are ruining television for the surly, latenight viewer with an eye for the depraved, class C movie. Is it funny to you? Some kind of joke? You are ruining the lives of men and women everywhere that can't abide soft core movies unless they have been hacked to bits by an editor with one eye and Parkinsons disease. I know everyone loves when a woman is ripped out of her prison jump suit, hit in the face with delousing powder as three female guard approach her and they say something to the effect of " Let's get you cleaned up and, all of a sudden, there is a horrible jump cut and the same inmate is crying in her cell, the only evidence of any mistreatment is the utter lack of lice. These are the moment fans of crappy movies live for and you had to go and ruin them womens entertainment networks. Well I say damn you, damn you, damn you, damn you all to Hell.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Oh yeah, that's another one. When the sexy lady warden says to the hot prison yard snitch, " Is there something you want to get off your chest?" then she touches the snitches shoulder and rubs her tits, or twirls the snitches hair. If the warden is a man, he will usually smell her hair and the snitch will look down at the ground, to timid to say anything.
