On the subject of isms.

Are not isms all the rage in America today? Racism, classism, ageism, sexism,you name it, there is an ism for it. Apparently it is wrong to be any of the isms in our modern world, they are not socially acceptible, you see. Well I just had to ask myself, do I suffer from any isms? Let's find out. First am I sexist? Well I am a man and wouldn't want to be a woman, ever, not at all, infact if a person even refers to me in a feminine way, said person is most likely going to get beaten into a near death kinda state. I do love women, I ogle them if they are sexy, I am never disrespectful of them, I don't hoot like a freak when a sexy one walks by but I do have nasty thoughts about them as they walk by and I do think about them naked, so yes, I am sexist and I am fine with that. What other isms might I be? In a world that is all about coddling people and pleasing the lowest common denominator, I am probably steming with isms, let's find out more. Am I heightist? Yup, if you're too short, I figure you have a Napolean complex, if you're to tall, all I can think about is punching you in the balls, if you are a midget, I just hope you are wearing lederhosen, if you're not, I consider you a snobby midget. How about classism? Oh I am that, you see I am in the lower class as far as money goes. Twenty five thousand a year or around that, for alot of people that is walkin around money. If those people die, do I care? NO!!!, infact I enjoy it. Don't most of us just get a huge kick out of it when some rich bitch drives her four hundred thousand dollar car off a cliff in San Fransisco? I know I do. I am poor, I hate rich people, give me money, make me rich and I may just start hating poor people. I will say this, when a bum dies, I don't really care but it's just not as funny as a rich person. I am gonna say this, every ism you can think of, you are it. We are all isms, most of us are just afraid to admit it. I am racist. Oh hell yah, I ain't afraid to say it, when I see a black guy on the street, I think to myself, look at that black guy. Damn, what a racist prick I am, being white and thinking about the fact that someone isn't the same color as me, I'm a dick. Man, if he and I had only been from the same lineage, he wouldn't be that color, unlucky fella that he is. I am such a horrible racist, you don't even know how bad it is. Today I had INDIAN food, then I went to the KOREAN market, I like CHINESE tea and I gotta say that JEWISH delis make the best pastrami. I enjoy BELGIAN beer, really love MONGOLIAN beef. I an drinking a RUSSIAN stout, while sitting on SWEDISH furniture, I work at an IRISH pud that is neat an IRAQI store. I would like an ITALIAN car, to drive around with my BRAZILIAN prostitute. I drink COLUMBIAN coffee, or EGYPTIAN tea. Do you get the point? Spread it around, make the world realixe we are all racist, sexist, heightist, ignorant phoneys and the sooner we face up to it, the sooner we can all just get on with being human. Bitches.

A set of holidays for all to enjoy.

Xymxl recently pointed out to we, as americans, really never celebrate the most important days of the year. I am refering to the end of the prohibition era. Really, what changed my life more than being able to get booze? Not much. Of course I can tell you, I haven't always been a legal drinker, Marty, me and a bottle of Southern Comfort was pretty much my highschool years in a nutshell. Skipping out on highschool to go swig a few shots of cheap vodka at Thads place, sneaking into Dans dads liquor cabinet to pilfer his scotch. Sure we were underage, sure we skipped school to drink, sure people called us hooligans but really, we were patriots... and, truth be known, hooligans but patriots too, you can't deniy that. Mabye we weren't the proper age to be drinking, mabye we were criminals in the eyes of the world, or mabye we were showing our tribute to an age old american tradition, booze running. Think about it, the spirit of the original moonshiners in our country, could it not be that their spirit was living on through us? If Joseph Smith could say angels were translating texts in his hat, or Tom Cruise can believe and openly discuss his big, fat, crazy beliefs, well then I can talk about mine. If you think about holidays, america kinda comes up short, most of them are from the old world and really don't hold any meening for the people of the country. Christmas, the day Jesus was born? Well, no not exactly, christian cover up for germanic pagan holiday? yes indeedy. Easter, the day Jesus was resurrected? No, sorry, christian cover up of gaelic pagan holiday? Yepper. I have already written about the lies behind St. Patricks Day. What does America really have? New Years Day, oh come on, are we really celebrating the fact that the Earth orbits the Sun? That is just retarded, we may as well celebrate wind. Presidents Day? The special day in America when all the mattresses go on sale. Columbus Day? Hey everyone, give a native smallpox and Syphallis day is here, hooray. Martin Luther King Day, can't have too many roads named after you. Well now I am going to set it straight, a good old pair of american holidays, that we can celebrate every year. I am sure that some small percentage of the populace does recognize these days but we should all work to make them national. First you have March 23rd, this day is imortant because it marks the 1933 signing into law of the Cullen-Harrison bill, which made the production and sale of 3.2 beer legal. This day should be celebrated with beer, I am open to names for the day, infact, let's have a competition, send me the best name for this holiday and you win naming a national holiday, that should be enough, don't get greedy. Now 3.2 beer is something I will not drink but I never claimed to be a purist, if you wish to celebrate by swilling down bladder blasting corner store Budweisers, then you do just that, I will go with something a bit more flavorful but the spirit is there. If we never got the right to brew 3.2 , we wouldn't be able to get the 8.5s and 10.6s that I prefer. The next day we celebrate is the big one, it falls on December 5th and marks the ratification of the 21st amendment, which repealed the 18th. This made the production of wines and spirits legal again and made life, just a little bit more, let's say, liveable. December 5th will be the another official national holiday and we will get bonko blitzed on everything, from high end whiskeys to low end corn piss. I need you to name this day too, another competition, yay. I will now announce the begining of the group that will usher in the new world. I call it The Anti-Temprance League of America. The ATLA is all about what I am all about, I think I can sum it up like this. You know what all those mormons, menonites and puritans believed in? Well, the opposite of that. i think that is pretty clear. The ATLA is just getting started now, if you would like to help get it rolling, you know how to reach me. I haven't got the membership package figured out quite yet but I am sure you will all at least be eager to snap up one of our T-shirts once they come into production. Until then, good health and good drinkin'.

A very good question indeed.

Joe V. from Minneapolis, asked me this:

Is it harder to be a "Joe" than say being a Bob, Jim or Steve? Are all Joe's cursed at birth with such a common name...?

Well Joe let me tell you that, yes, for certain, it is harder for us to be Joes than any other common usage name on the world today. Oh sure you will have the nay sayers, the guys who think that their name was vilified, well I will tell them they never even had it bad. First of all I dare you to show me another name that rhymes with so many other common words and phrases, you just can't do it. Ben, so what, you get Ben Dover, childs play. Phil McCrackin, so what. Fartin Martin, big deal. All the names are childs play, you want a list, here's a list. Joe Shmoe, Joe Blow, Slow Joe, Joe Joe from Kokomo, so Joe what d'ya know, I could go on but I ain't gonna. Then you have songs, alright, if your name is Jenny, you most likely hate the number 8675309 but come on now, "Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand"? absolutely everyone in the world knows this song and to this day, when I meet people, one out of every three is damn lucky I don't have a gun in my hand. The worst part of the name is the fact that it is used so often to describe the common man, Good Joe, Average Joe, Joe Sixpack, Joe Doakes, Ordinary Joe and don't forget Joe Doe, which describes an extremely average unidentifiable person, someone of, more than John Doe averageness. That, I believe, is what gets me the most. My name is Joe and I am, as my friends will testify, one of the strangest people in the world. Joe V. who wrote in his question not an average person, in fact all the Joes I know and hang out with, have very little in common and tend to be very individualistic. Now, mabye it is the stigma of the name, we carry it as we grow up and we want to shake it off so, we lash out. We strive as Joes, not to be ordinary, not to be typecast in the world. Mabye we become so creative, act so different, try so hard to be individuals, because we grow up with people just calling us regular Joes. That could be the fact I suppose, or, try this, mabye the government is trying to keep Joes down because they have heard about our awesome genitals. Oh yes ladies, gentlemen, not so much, if I am an average Joe and I have genitals this, I believe the word is, godlike, then no wonder the man is tryin to keep us down and make us feel average. No wonder indeed. You see, the real "average guy", is just that, average and he is scared that you are gonna ruin his life, Joes of the world, by exposing your glorious endowments to the people, especially the women and go and make those poor fellas feel all insignificant. Well Joes of the world, I say unite, spread the word and the word is genitals. Pass this message around, let other Joes know, plan a rally, have a bake sale, go to a church picnic and show everyone present your empyrean genitalia. Yes, watch them gaze in awe of your otherworldly organ, see them recognize now that there is no average Joe, just Big Joe Bollucks the the guy who whips it out in church to make the statues cry, AKA. Mr. Mammoth Pants. That's right go, do it now, go show the world your genitals, you know you want to.




P.S. If this actually works on anyone, most likely, I have just got an Unnecessary Joe or two off the street, arrested, mabye even killed. This is my way of dropping the national stupid Joe average and building up the average Joe curve so no Tom, Dick or Harry can measure up. I just realized that, even though I stopped writing genital jokes, I still somehow wrote at least three in that first sentence. Good night, hope I anwered your question Joe, if you're still with us that is.

On the subject of trouser attraction.

In trying to answer a question posted by Xymyl in which he asked several questions about pants, both clean and dirty, I fell upon an even deeper subject, government controlled smart pants. I am sorry for avoiding your question Xymyl but I think this may help you anyway. I was researching material about pants and how to communicate to them, in hopes that through communication you and your pants might find some common ground, (look into the works of the late Mr. Anthony Lebaglia, AKA the Pants Whisperer, he has done some ground breaking stuff in the trouser relation field). During my research I came across a website, www. WEBSITE DELETED, DEPT. HOMELAND SECURITY. com. First I thought it was just another prank or consiracy site but soon I was to find out it was all too horribly real. The more I found out, the more I searched, the more of a threat I became, until, late last night, I was savagely attacked by my own pants. It was a brutal, nut smashing attack, it took me two shoe horns, a really sharp pair of scissors and a whole lotta grit and determination to get free but at last I did. When I regained my senses I examined the pants, they were dead by then but in this modern age of science, dead pants do tell tales. Under the microscope at the University of San DIego, I was amazed to discover several layers of flexible, microfiber, placed strategically in the crotch of my blue jeans. The fibers were laid out in a patern not unlike muscle tissue, so that was the plan, major clothing companies now had the ability to control us by force, via our own pants. I believe it was the Shao Lin monks, who first taught the world, control your adversaries craotch and you control him. So true is it not? This is why I believe there is such a stigma in our society about wearing chaps, no crotch equals no control. This is a deeper problem than I would have ever believed and the worst part is how the manufacturers of these wicked clothing actually wave it in our faces. Think about the names of some of the clothes, control top panties, wonder bra, performance fleece, parachute pants, straight cut jeans, the list could go on forever. One thing is for sure though, I am officially done buying any more clothes from Dr. Atomics anti-rebelion jean company. Sorry I couldn't get into your question more Xymyl but I hope this helps you a little.

And another question answered.

Jeremy from Minneapolis has asked about techniqus that may be useful in the bedding of a "nice, christian girl". Well Jeremy, first of all, if you are looking for a nice, conservative, god fearing, tongue speaking, ugly flowery dress wearing, Sunday driving, two kids and a minivan, christian girl, you probably want to go the evangelical route. This play involves, being very moral, at least in public, go to church weekly, slowly integrate yourself into the churches trust system, this can take months if not years. After a long while you will meet an angry woman who has turned to religion to fill the void left by her dead/cheating ex-husband. Try to befriend this woman and her children, eventually she will agree to go on a date with you and a chaperone, of course. Many long months later you will find yourself married to this woman and you will, undoubtedly find yourself in one or two, overly warm, sticky and unattractive situations with the woman you now call, One who ruined my life. A much more appealing off shoot of this play is to go through all the primary steps of the love building process but, when you go on the date with the chaperone present, drug the good christian girl and go get nasty with the chaperone, who is always a more attractive and adventerous woman than her frumpy counter part. Top off the night by leaving the frumpy one in the car with a picture of your testicles pinned to her chest. This play isn't for everyone but I am a romantic, so I prefer it. I think, however, that the nice christian girls Jeremy is asking about are the ones we all think he is talking about. The way too hot to be in a church kinda girl. The one with the bedroom eyes and the strip club legs. Yeah, she is in a house of the lord but she looks so out of place, like the world is warped around her. As if it is a sin against the almighty for her to even consider parking that perfect posterior in one of these pious pews. Dark eyes, ruby red lips, a Tootsie pop that is always circling her mouth but never seems to wear down to the soft candy center, ask Mr. Owl and he will tell you, she is a bad, bad, naughty girl. So Jeremy, you wanna know how to seduce this vixen of the venerated, well, it is easy, she is what we in the industry call, a church slut. First, try talking to her, ask her what she thought about the sermon. When she rolls her eyes and gives you a look like 'Ick, what a dweeb', tell her your glad she isn't a crazy bible thumper and tell her you want to get out of there and get a drink, the prospect of a free drink will get her moving and you should be in from that point on but really it doesn't matter what you do, after all, she is a whore. I find that meeting nice, rich, christian girls is always good fun, you don't need to wear a suit, infact, make sure you don't, especially at an big function. Remember, the more her dad snears at you, the more she wants you. If you talk to her dad, try telling him things that are very contrary to the things he likes and believes, that one always works great. My last piece of advice though Jeremy, is this, to get any woman, christian or non, all you have to do is follow these simple steps. 1) Act indifferent to them when you meet them, this will annoy them and they will have to talk to you because they hate being ignored. That is it, that is all you need to know, if you pay attention to them, they know they can have you and they will go away, if you ignore them they will do anything to get you to pay some attention to them and I do mean anything. I hope this helps you Jeremy, good day and good lovin'.

I will now answe a question.

In answer to a question from Marty, in which he wondered why priests couldn't seem to stop molesting children, I went straight to the horses mouth, as it were. I called up a catholic bishop, who wished not to be recognized, about the problem. Here I will transcribe our phone conversation.

JB: Well, first thank you very much for meeting with me today.

B: Not a problem, glad to do it, I hope you don't mind me saying this but you have a voice like a long shoreman, I bet you have a muscular throat.

JB: No, no that is fine, I hear that alot when I go fishing at the docks, thank you. Now, to the point of this little chat. Why do you suppose it is that these cases of child molestation, persist in the church?

B: That is a really good question, yet very hard to answer. You may be able to date it back to the omitting of the dead sea scrolls from the bible, you see the same people responsible for that, also omitted the holy book of Nambla...

JB: The book of Nambla? Fascinating, I've never heard of it.

B: Most people haven't, it was the book that got rid of that old, be fruitful and become many, statement. The old testament was becoming passe but the old, breeder christians didn't want to go along with the changing face of the religion, so they buried it instead.

JB: So the book of Nambla supported child sodomy?

B: Oh yes very much so, we have, infact, discovered a few lost proverbs.

JB: Fascinating, could you quote some?

B: Yes gladly. Lo it is written, be their moss on the young sapling, then pluck thine fruit. Also you have, Old enough to bleedeth, old enough to breedeth. My favorite id the parable of a man who took some youths to a chariot race, he has this basket of popped rice and he cut a hole in the bottom of the basket and...

JB: I am afraid I must cut you short there, sir, I am very sorry. I am intersted in the historical significance of the lost bible books but our interview time is nearly up and I am afraid I must push you for a bit of further insight. The book of Nambla aside, why else do you think that the molestation continues?

B: Well, because those little kids are just so sexy, with their baby fat and the dirty, come hither to my choir chamber eyes. Oh if I had a jar of warm marmalade, a fishing net, and a good strong leather belt, i would sleep for a week after I got done with my ma........

JB: Hello, Bishop, Hello... Well I seem to have lost my connection.

Well that was all I could get out of the bishop, I think I can safely say that the answer to why they can't stop molesting children is because they are dirty perverts who have been raping kids for years and they hadn't been getting caught for so long it escalated, like things do if the are not stopped. If we put our heads together and find an efficient way to kill all of these freaks, then the problem will decline. Child molesters should die, end of debate, no prison, no hospital, just a kick in the balls and a bullet in the back of the head. That is just my opinion though.

So mad right now!

Okay I will get to answering your questions soon but first I must raise an angry finger waggle at Hollywood USA and Disney entertainment and say, "Shame on you , shame, shame, shame"! Damn them, the fetid, myopic, money grubbing, scum. Oh how I hate them. As I shuffled through the trailors of upcoming movies, a chill ran up my spine. One of the movies on the list was titled "UnderDog". I instantly though,' no, could it really be, did a reputible animation house finally make a movie based on one of my all time favorite cartoons'? I saw the production house was Disney, so my mind was swirling with images of a computer generated Shoeshine Boy, running to the nearest phone booth which would explode and then you would behold a CG UnderDog in all his super glory. In my head the visions of UnderDog saving sweet Polly Purebred, (which I would have voiced by Britney Murphy), from the clutches of the evil Simon Barsinister, (Jeremy Irons or Malcolm McDowell) and his ever inept side kick Cad, (dunno who could be Cad, just someone with a good stupid voice). Of course UnderDog himself, I would have his voice be played by the original actor or a machine that could perfectly reinact said voice. As we all can attest to, you can change all the voices of the supporting characters in a cartoon and it will be fine but the lead voice must be the same or it just doesn't work, (God I miss Mel Blanc for exactly this reason). Now, with all these exciting and delightful pictures aswirlin' in ma' head, I clicked on the web site for to see my dream come alive. My heart sank into my butt and stained the very chair I sat upon. Two words, " live action"! Those rat basterds at Disney turned UnderDog into live action. Of course the whole plot has nothing but a name in common with the original cartoon. Sure the dog wears a cape and has super powers but that is it as far as I could see. A dog with super powers goes off to save his owner, or some stupid atypical plot line like that. The folks that sodomized this sacred chunk of americana should be drawn and quartered, broken on the wheel, stuck into the iron maiden, any horrible, slow, medievil torture is still to good for them. Mabye something red hot and anal and slow, above all, slow. This whole thing is a shear sign of one of the many problems with Hollywood and Disney. Someone writes an absocrap script about a dog with super powers and said asshole calls it UnderDog to sell it. I would not be suprised at all if Happy Feet was originally called the Tennessee Tuxedo Story, because there was a penguin and a walrus in it, ( I never saw happy feet, so I am not sure about the walrus, that was a generalization about penguin habitat). I wonder if this is the same bunch that ruined Dudley Dooright. What will we have next? The Go - Go Gophers movie, two american-indian gophers who fight off white fur traders using their sly gophery wits. It terrifies me that the only movie that has really gotten it right in the last decade, as far as cartoons go, was the Scooby-Doo movie and that was god awful but so was Scooby-Doo. THose of you who have kids, please feel free to not let them watch this movie at least until they gain a decent appreciation for the real UnderDog. You can purchase the entire series in box set form, a much better use of your twenty dollars than going to see a crap movie.