Now, from the Stupid Files.

So all I heard was the joyous exaltations of the noble San Diego pub regulars as they laughed and joked about Paris Hilton being sent up for forty-five days on a DUI/suspended license charge. No Rush Limbaugh, or Britney Spears, style rehab, which is so in in Hollywood now. Nope, she had to go to jail. Now granted, she isn't staying in the same iron bar motel that you or I would be in if we were sent up. I mean, there's not much chance that dainty miss Hilton is going to be forced to toss the salad of a three hundred pound bull dyke named Chevette but she is in jail none the less. Sure the worst thing that might happen to you in Hollywood hard time is missing a nail appointment, or not getting your bikini waxing in on time for the next big Playboy party but still, she's a celebrity and she is in jail. That has to count for something, doesn't it? It makes the average man on the street giggle with delight when John Law treats celebrities like average folk. So I was kinda, taken aback when I saw a news story about a bunch of people that were petitioning old Governor Arnie to release her. The crazy thing is, these were average everyday shmoes, like you or me and they are protesting and trying to get her out of jail. What the hell is wrong with people? They were talking like she was on a rock breaking line for god's sake, please, the worst thing she is dealing with right now is a slow internet connection. If you, or I had gotten caught DUI and driving on a suspended license, remember this is not a first offense either, we would have been in the state work house for at least 60 days and that is with a decent lawyer. We would be seeing one hour of TV a day, maybe two, depends on the state. We would be lucky to have a phone to use and the one or two computers that you may have access to are still, really hard to get to. We wouldn't be in a maximum security situation but you still get to sit and rub elbows with some of societies less desirable bags of skin. I bet Paris isn't even wearing the state issued grunder wear, hell i bet she has a designer uniform, then again so do McDonald's employees so I'll drop that argument. My point is this, Paris is a rich, spoiled kid that needs to grow up, maybe, if her jail time is really hard on her, she will become a better person. Maybe, if she when to a tougher jail, she would start doing soft core, lesbian, girls in chains movies. The world is full of ifs and buts, one thing is for sure though, Paris's jail time is, someway, somehow, going to be worked into some kind of reality show, or TV movie. I hate people, I really, really do.

Does being sexy get you further?

Isn't it a pure and straight forward example of hypocrisy when a former lingerie and fashion model, turned talk show host, does a show about how wrong it is that being sexy or attractive can get you further in life? How can an ex-model possibly take this question seriously? Yet, there it is, right as I am making my morning juice, ( I know that sounds perverted but it was just grapefruit juice) and there she is, mouth agape, totally awe struck by the fact that a plain looking woman got less attention than a hot woman on a Los Angeles street. Yes, I was a little shocked too, I understand that talk show hosts are supposed to stir up controversy but is showing the world that you are oblivious to your own life and history a good way to do it? A super model, walking around berating people for objectifying beautiful women is like an orange farmer yelling at people for drinking orange juice, stupid and hypocritical. I am no stranger to the fact that I live in the state of hypocrisy but here most people just say stupid things behind your back, rarely do they go and do it on national television. Making millions of dollars on your body and then telling people to seek inner beauty, right, Buddha you ain't there sister. Now people will tell you that these ladies make it because of their drive and ambition but you can say that until your lips fall off but until Victoria's Secret starts parading ladies of a slow glandular persuasion down their new, more structurally stable runways, it's still just a big steaming load of dookie. There is no way that these girls make it on drive alone and then they have they have the gall to act like their bodies had less to do with making it than their pure urge to be famous. Right, they can go on thinking that if it makes their lives easier, myself, I will go on looking at hot women and thinking not one smidgen about their IQ score. At least I can say, with a clear conscience, I am no hypocrite, now let me see you in the pink number with the laces there Einstein.

What is your fashion style?

You know, I am fine with the fact that I live in a fashion vacuum. I understand quite clearly, that the clothes I choose to wear, Jeans and T-shirts, pretty much exclusively, are no longer accepted by many people to be what to wear in California. So I was shocked when a girl from a local hospitality industry magazine, came to my bar and asked me what I had to say about "bouncer fashion". I kid you not, bouncer fashion. It took me a second to think about it and I think she recognized my confusion so she followed up with, "yeah, what do you guys do to stay fashionable?" Still stupefied by this woman and wondering if she was just yankin' me or trying to figure out some god-awful icebreaker, all I could think of was telling her that I chose my clothing very carefully so I would be totally prepared in the event of a full on zombie holocaust. The young lady seemed to think I was teasing her, she gave me that 'you're a jerk' look, that I tend to get from so many women, probably because I am a jerk and she walked away. Well, besides the obvious problems I have with bouncers being fashionable, I am appalled by the fact that she didn't want to discuss zombie survival tips with me. I personally, am fond of blue jeans, for the comfort and durability you need when fleeing the walking dead. T-shirts breath well, and they tend to be tough and absorbent which is a must, being that you will probably need to ward off bites and scratches, plus the cotton should soak up a lot of the zombie saliva, so you won't have to worry about it seeping into any open cuts and contaminating your blood stream. Boots? Hell yes boots. You really don't want to be caught in anything flimsy, or open toed when there is a chance a creeping torso will bite off your big toe, making you lose your balance, stride and vertical leaping ability, might as well just pin a sign to your chest that says zombie chow. Now another good choice is a hoodie, or a Dickie's work jacket, they are both tough, easy yo clean and above all warm. You may end up on the roof of a building for a while and even in California, those rooftops can get mighty chilly. Pockets are a must as well, food, water, extra ammo, you need to carry lots of things, while still keeping your hands free to wield your weapon of choice, be it a shotgun, or some sort of sword, even a wheat scythe is acceptable in a zombie attack just make sure you have plenty of swinging room. A Mag-lite flashlight is useful but not completely necessary, it is good for bashing skulls but zombies tend not to be bothered by bright lights, their vision doesn't work in the human sense and it is more or less just an impulsive light sensing field effect. avoid wearing anything that smells like a human brain, most after shaves and mens colognes are created using a base chemical that is found in human nervous systems, also, do not carry brains with you while you try to escape, these may seem like harmless souvenirs at the time but they go south fast and can be extremely detrimental to your survival. Gloves and sunglasses, to keep gore out of your eyes and off your skin but also to look cool too. That about covers my blog on zombie survival fashion etiquette, so I will leave you with these final thoughts, "ditch the infected and always shoot for the head"! Happy surviving.

Just too damn masculine.

I had just recently finished with an on stage set at a small bar in Ocean Beach, it wasn't the best I'd ever done but it, by far, wasn't the worst. I walked outside as any stand-up comic tends to after their stage time ends, when I happened upon three women and two men that I had seen in the audience earlier. "I hope you are enjoying the show", I said to the group, "Not really", relied one of the women. I shrugged my shoulders and gave her the look I get when I really don't care what someone is saying, I get a lot of practice with it so it's almost perfect. As I turned to walk away, the displeased young lady, stepped forward to block my exit, she obviously wasn't used to being ignored so it confused her when I turned away. "You're too masculine, that's why we left the show, you act to manly up there." At this I had to stop and look at the group, five people, one woman who was directly in front of me, chin up and shoulders pulled back in an I am woman hear me roar sort of way that is so popular with insurance agents and realtor's. Two other, younger women, infusing cigarette smoke into their lungs and giving me sideways glances that to me said,"I'd go to bed with him but I wouldn't let him enjoy it", scorning me with their eyes but trying very hard not to let any smoke fly in my face. Now I get to the two men, fist they couldn't be overly proud of their situation, after all they had just basically let someone call them effeminate and just took it in stride. I should point out that these two guys were dating two of these girls, they weren't gay, which would have changed the whole scene that was before me. Sure these guys were your average metro-sexual goof balls, polo shirts, popped collars, seams in the pants where someone has wasted good drinking time ironing clothes, you know the kind. So I look this rabble over and then I look into the expectant face of our little roadside Naomi Wolf, who it seams is expecting an apology from me, ironically, for being me. All I can really do is look down into her face, wink and say,"Yep I am all man baby", (which is a line I use as a tribute to Brody from Mallrats) and just turned to walk away. Now, I don't exactly know when being masculine became a crime but it seems to me that it shouldn't be looked down on like it is. If you are any kind of a man, people equate you with rednecks and truck drivers, that is kind of irritating, don't you think? Here I am, educated, verbose, intelligent, active, I enjoy writing and read more than just about anyone I have ever known. Yet, I am looked down upon in this world because I am too masculine, you know, that would really hurt my feelings, if I wasn't a man and I had all kinds of worthless crybaby type feelings crawling around inside of me but I don't, because I am, not just masculine but a full grown man, with stupendous genitals, if I do say so myself.

Hate, such a strong word.

I am a born hater, not a hater in the ghetto slang kind of style but a hater of things. People, places, things, mostly people though. We live in a world with so much stupid stuff flying around that, if you are even of moderate intelligence, you can not help but hate a good chunk of it. I am not shy about my many dislikes and not at all shy about voicing my many hates. The simple problem I now face is that I am constantly hearing the phrase, "hate is a very strong word"' from the soft squishy people that hear me voicing my dislikes for various nouns. Yes I hate those people and would not even blink if I was to pass their smouldering bodies on my way to work but this is not about my disregard for them, this is about their disregard for vocabulary. Hate simply means to, dislike intensely or passionately and I for one believe that intensity and passion are very important to life. I would not be very happy if I walked around all day thinking about how neutral I was about stupid things, why not just kill myself if I am gonna be all melancholy about stuff. So with that said I will give you some words that are far stronger than hate. Abhor, bemoan, despise, detest, scorn, execrate, revile, loathe, all these words are far stronger than hate. Leave poor little hate alone, it's a friendly and kind word compared to many of it's bigger brothers. Just walk away from hate, let me and hate be friends and allow us to hang out unhindered by your soft moral objections, it's what's best for all of us. If you do feel the need to continue your anti-hate tirades I will be forced to bring in the big guns and show the dirty hippies a thing or two about human verbal capability, I will move them from the halls of the hated to the darkened trenches of the truly vilified. Finally, no amount of fluffy, blind, stupidity can ever turn me into a loving, caring, nurturing human being, I am a hate filled ocean of humorous, bile and I will vomit my rage and disdain for all the various, unlikeable nouns of this world until I am sick and tired of it and go live in the woods.

On the topic of fat kids.

I am always noticing how big people are getting of late but I just recently had this thought. If our food is getting healthier and our population is growing so fast, why are all these kids getting so fat? The food was supposedly worse when I was a child, we didn't have as much knowledge of fats and carbohydrates, the Atkins generation was still decades away. The kids in my school were chubby, or a bit flabby but even the kids we called fat were, by todays standards, bulimic. My mom would feed us bacon, pancakes, eggs and top it off with some form of beef or other and that was a small breakfast. You can't finger point at inactivity because I was a down right sedentary as a child. I would do anything to avoid being overly physically active, yet I was was chubby in the baby fat way and nothing worse. Snacks in my youth were laden with calories and trans fats with next to no protein value, plus saturated fat was never spoken of in the cookie and apple pie world. The fattest kid sixth grade with me was a lad named Jerry, who, though overweight grew out of it during summer break. The foods we have now, in comparison to those days, are relatively healthy but the kids are just ridiculously fat now. prepubescent boys and girls across the country are being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes all the time. How is this all possible in a world that is trying to be so healthy? Unless it is all a lie. Maybe food was better back then and this whole fattening the kids thing is a plot by large gimmicky weight loss clinics to keep themselves out of the red for a few more decades. On the other hand maybe since Darwinism is taking such a drastic back seat in our world, the week unhealthy fat gene is finally over breeding and a few panthers let lose near our local schools would help trim the national fat. Maybe our planet is a breeding ground for an alien food supply and in another ten years we will have a" V" episode taking place right before our eyes. For whatever reason this is all happening all I can think is that it just doesn't make sense. In a world that is ravaged by starvation and over population, how can all these American kids be so damn fat. It doesn't add up so I am putting it on my conspiracy theory list and saying the government is to blame. After all, the morbidly obese are easy to control and don't have the energy to fight back. Twinkie all around boys and girls.

Americas bible belt and lesbian porn.

Okay, so not so long ago in a small public library in Bentonville, Arkansas, the teenage sons of a Mr. Earl Adams, were perusing the military history section when they made a horrifying discovery. There, on the shelves among the tomes of Sun Tsu and Steven Ambrose the history hungry youngsters found a book that just didn't belong. That book was " The Whole Lesbian Sex Book". I'll tell you, when I read this story, I was shocked, " they have libraries in Arkansas"? I thought to myself, I never would have believed it. Well, the facts are kind of shaky about what the teens did after they found the book, I am sure that, being forward thinking children, they alerted the librarian immediately and he or she removed the offending book and placed it in its Dewey specified area. After all, what self respecting set of teenage boys wants to read a book about lesbianism? Perhaps a less moral child would have sneaked away to a darkened corner of the library and looked for erotic pictures or even slightly arousing paragraphs but I have no doubts that Mr. Adams children knew better. Adams is now seeking reparations in the order of twenty thousand dollars,(10 grand per kid), siting mental strain from lack of sleep. Adams was quoted as saying, his sons were, "greatly disturbed" and finding the book had caused,"many sleepless nights in our house". I can really sympathize with Adams plight, you see, when I was fourteen years old, I found my neighbors copy of Hustler magazine. Naturally, with a name like Hustler, I thought it was an instructional magazine on the art of gambling, little did I know that, when I opened the cover, that I was gambling with my youth. Nude women with super human breast gravity, washing expensive cars covered in nothing more than a thin layer of baby oil, some soap suds and, what I can only assume was sin in liquid form. On yet another page, a ridiculously long legged vixen sitting atop a pool table, right foot in the corner pocket and the left, impossibly wedged in the far side pocket, glistening cheeks befouling a once fine felt. Worst of all was the middle of the book, were two women were intertwined in a greasy act of well lit coitus, I remember being so upset by some of these photos that all could do was stare at the page, feeling to dirty to even turn the page and to disgusted to look away. After breaking the spell of the scandalous mag, I ran straight home, jumped in the shower and tried to wash away the filth. Much like the Adams kids, I too spent many a night, wide awake, not able to get the wicked pictures from my head, I also continued to try to wash the filth from my skin, sometimes as much as three or four times a day. Good for Mr. Adams in his pursuit of this 20,000 dollars, it is high time a father started protecting his offspring from the ravages of the outside world and all its sick, twisted, morally decayed reality. The offending publication has since been removed from the shelves of the Bentonville public library, in an e-mail, last Thursday, Adams said, " God was speaking to my heart that day and helped me find the words that proved successful in removing this book from the shelf." Wow, another shock, they have the internet in Arkansas? I'll be damned. Well it's a good thing they got the book of the shelves anyway, now hopefully Mr. Adams children don't accidentally find more pornography on that that internet.

The reality of this whole thing is this. If you got ten grand every time your troubled teen spider monkeyed himself in the dark. the planet would be buried in cash, masturbating would totally devalue the dollar. The ensuing depression that would happen after every parent in the world gave their kids a Larry Flint stylized stock portfolio would have us all looking at porn in mile long bread lines. Mr. Adams is another person in search of a fast buck off of a frivolous lawsuit. If he was serious about his moral conviction and not just another moron on parade like so much of the rest of our planet, he would march back to the Bentonville library and have them remove all offending sexual material and not just the one book that probably kicks his male insecurity into hyper drive. He could start with getting rid of the video,"A Christian approach to Sex Education", then you could move on to," Alice on the outside", of course you would need to get rid of,"Anna Karenina", and finally, bye bye to, " All in a Lifetime: An Autobiography of Dr. Ruth K. Westeimer. In for a penny, in for a pound, right Earl?