Why the social taboos?

Like many of the heavy drinkers I know and a lot of the heroin junkies I see on the street that have gotten hold of a weaker strain of junk than usual, I have often wondered about the social taboos of the shart. I think we all know what a shart is, many of us either when attacked by a flu bug, food poisoning or just good old too much beer, have sharted ourselves. Some will call it a wet one, or playing the oops poops gamble, whatever you call it, it simply means you thought you were going to fart and it ended up being a liquid mixture of feces, shame and disapproving, sideways glances. My question is this. Why is it so looked down upon by the self styled non-sharters on the planet? I think sharts are like strong opinions, everyone has them in you but when you share them with others, they get disturbed. Now I am a healthy male so my sharts are few and far between but many aren't so fortunate. I am just writing this to make you all aware of the sharters in your neighborhood, it could be a friend, a family member, even a lover. Who knows who the sharters close to you are and, without a thorough inspection of their unwashed undergarments, it is really difficult to tell. Is that guy a sharter? Maybe he doesn't know how to wipe properly, or perhaps he is just one of the many people in this world that smells mysteriously of butt. I'm no expert so it's not really up to me to speculate. What I will say for sharters is this, they are brave, proud people that go out in this world and sit on hot bus seats, even though they know they may have to make another uncomfortable. Look at us, how we look at people in wheelchairs and those that suffer from social anxiety disorders. We treat them like hero's as they pass us by, not so the sharter. We look down on these people with disgusted glares and shake our heads. Well what if the tables were turned? What if you woke up tomorrow in a world where non-sharters were the freaks, pushed aside by the stench of bigotry and dookie? How would you like it? You wouldn't approve at all and I bet you would make a sludge pond in your drawers just to fit in. You weak bastards. I say "Ask not for whom the sphincter fails, it fails for thee"!

On the more realistic side of this, I have been witness, this summer alone, four adult males and two females that pissed themselves standing at the doorway of my bar. I have also had three sharters and two other people with massive cases of buttsplosion in my bar. I have worked in a lot of bars in my day and never seen anything, like this. God I have a love hate thing going on with San Diego.

Waste of space.

Hello loyal readers. Today I am feeling a bit guilty about a game I play. That game is Tiger Woods 2007 and the reason I feel guilty is because of a friend. My buddy Jason is a virtual environmentalist and when he found out that I played TW07, well he flipped. I guess I never realized how much memory space these games took up and as Jason explained, that space could be used to create living space for the poor. He was right I know, hell one golf game takes up the same space as three games of Sim City. I didn't dare tell him that I had erased an entire game of Sim Earth to make more room for Tiger. It's bad enough when your friends think of you as an elitist snob but destroyer of planets is a title I really don't need either, that would be akin to being the guy on the Death Star that fires the laser even though it's against every moral he has but his family is hungry and he really needs this job, I don't wanna be that guy. One problem I have with Jason's logic is this, Can't the virtual builders just go build in another part of the drive? It's not as though my golf course is taking up all the room, it's just in a slot that you think is Ideal unrealestate. You know what, screw that, Jason is wrong. There is plenty of memory room for my golf game and Sim City. All I need to do is clear some unused space. My old Madden 2004 stadium hasn't been used for years now, I was gonna make an amusement park there but I could build homes I suppose. Then you have those buildings in Las Vegas that have been empty since my Rainbow Six team wiped out all the terrorists, those could easily be renovated for the poor. There is lots of room for everyone, I don't have to feel bad about using some of it for golf. It comes down to a bunch of uppity environmentalists that just don't want to see anyone doing anything that doesn't involve granola and being dirty. So I say to Jason, "Up yours buddy", let's agree to disagree, I will play my golf game and you can play your Sim Hippie game and we will butt out of each others lives. However, if he says one more think about how wrong it is to play Cabela's Deer Hunter again, well, the next time I see him on Battlefield, I am gonna friendly fire him until I get booted.

A serious moment.

I know I usually write something funny or ridiculous but today I have a serious issue that I would like to bring up. The other night after a long work day I was on my way home and decided I was a bit peckish for a tasty potato, in chip form of course. I stopped by the local mini-mart and acquired a bottle of orange juice and a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Now there was nothing wrong with the juice and, in the beginning, nothing seemed off about the chips either. As I was getting to the bottom of the bag however I noticed that the salt flavor was diminishing while the vinegar flavor was increasing. Don't misunderstand me, I enjoy vinegar, hell when I was a kid I would drink the stuff, mostly in the hope that I would be granted acidic blood that I could use to blind my enemies but the bag clearly said salt and vinegar chips. Undaunted I continued to consume the baked potato treat. It wasn't until I reached the last chip in the bag that it really hit me. This chip was dark brown and absolutely wreaked of acerbic wickedness. As I placed this tangy slab of spud on my tongue, my tastedbuds were overwrought with sensations from the pungent potato slice. It was by far the most tangy thing I have ever eaten and I once ate five lemons on a tequila soaked dare. It was heaven and hell all rolled up on a piece of tuber, I both hated and loved it. So you may ask what the serious moment is all about. Well it's this. I am now horribly addicted to these chips but my unreliable mini-mart only carried them for a short time, apparently people had complained that they were too tangy and they took them off the shelves. I, being the fool that I am, decided to throw away the bag after devouring the delicacy, instead of my usual habit of leaving it near my PS2 until it becomes a home for a hermit crab. I can't even remember the name of the chips and I must hunt them down. All I can say for the people who ruined my life is this. You dirty flavor sensitive bastards, what is wrong with you? Strong flavors are a good thing, like blue cheese from Denmark or fresh pesto. You are a bad bunch of people, you have given me an addiction and then snatched it away. I am broken and destroyed and now the only thing that can make it right is if the guy down the street in the boarded up house sells salt and vinegar flavored crack.

A rebuttal

This rebuttal is for the people that wrote to me after my last post. I am going to clarify some statements. So to begin with. Please note that I did refer, not only to Bush, but to all the morons in control. Said morons include a huge section of our backwards political system. We are governed by people, people are inherently corrupt, IE., our government is corrupt. These are business men and women that have gotten into office and are now politicians. Think back to the last store manager you worked under and then picture that jackass in control of the Senate, if it doesn't send shivers down your spine then you never worked for Home Depot. As for terrorism, well, it is as real as we make it. Go talk to a guy that grew up around it, talk to someone from El Salvador or Nicaragua, they will tell you all about terrorism and fear and maybe you will not be so scared of the bogieman around the corner for a while. Terror is a feeling, if you don't feel it, it's not working. That is why we are at war with "Terror" and not a specific country, if you can show me the congressional okay to go to war with Iraq, well, then I will remit what I say but you can't because there isn't one. It's the same as Vietnam, war was never declared on Vietnam, that is why it is historically called a "police action". I would also challenge anyone who thinks we are fighting the good fight against terrorists, which our government has sworn to wipe out, to then read just a little bit about what the Rwandan militia has been doing to the people of the Congo for decades. Read about the rapes and murders of women and children, the absolutely horrible atrocities inflicted on these people and then you tell me why America hasn't helped them out recently. I have a good memory, unlike most Americans, and I remember horror stories about that part of the country back when I was six years old. As for the threat of other countries wanting us dead, people have been out to kill us all for years, in the 80's it was the Russians and in the 60's it was Cuba. America has been to war against Mexico, hell we even fought ourselves. So was the burning of Atlanta a terrorist act or was it just part of the Civil War? I have people threaten to kill me at least once a month at work. Is that terrorism? On a final note, when I bring up Bush, people still say would you rather have that pussy John Kerry in office? Well I make it a point to not trust business men or politicians, so I would rather have a deaf mute atheist as Pres., the kinda guy that would shut up and get the job done with the least amount of wasted human lives. However in the interest of putting this "pussy" argument to bed, I would like to say the following. John Kerry was awarded Three purple hearts, a silver star and a bronze star for his actions as part of a swift boat crew in Vietnam. Around the same time, Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard, he was assigned to Ellington Air force Base. Bush never went to Vietnam, this was during a time in our history that more than eleven thousand pilots were called up for duty overseas. I think a President with no apathy towards the men and women that are fighting his fight is a dangerous thing. As far as our rights being infringed upon, it isn't bad yet but it will get there if we let it. Just read this from the pages of the Reichstag Fire Decree and tell me it doesn't shake you up a bit inside.

Articles 114, 115, 117, 118, 123, 124 and 153 of the Constitution of the German Reich are suspended until further notice. It is therefore permissible to restrict the rights of personal freedom habeas corpus, freedom of opinion, including the freedom of the press, the freedom to organize and assemble, the privacy of postal, telegraphic and telephonic communications, and warrants for house searches, orders for confiscations as well as restrictions on property, are also permissible beyond the legal limits otherwise prescribed.

And lastly, just a snippet from John Adams, from a letter to his wife Abigail, written November 2nd 1800, "I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this House, and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof." Just so you know that was about the White House...

Don't make us feel stupid.

I like to make jokes on stage about Bush, I think he is wonderful fodder for comedy flak. I mean we have had moron Presidents before but never to the level of this guy. I have been trying a few different jokes lately. I only have 500 days left of the moron-athon and really want to get as much out of it as I can. Kinda like dating a hot nymphomaniac with a bomb in her chest, you know, get it while you can. Now I really wish there was a shorter period of time with our Pres. 500 days seams like forever when you are dealing with an idiot. The sad part is that, while I make jokes at his expense, I have been hounded by people who don't want me to joke about him. Just recently I had a man tell me that, even though he did not approve of Bush anymore, he felt that making fun of him on stage was like talking down to people who voted for him in the first place. He went on to tell me that it made him and others like him feel stupid for voting for Bush originally. Here's my point of view, Bush is a bad person and a bad President. Under him the Constitution and the Bill of Rights have been raped and nullified. He and his entire cabinet are foul beings dredged up from the depths of the Skull and Bones to ruin our country and what it used to stand for. If jokes at his expense make you feel stupid, well, that is kind of the point. We will never get this guy out of office if people that originally got him in don't wake up to their mistakes. How can he have an approval rating below 20% and still be in power? I thought a Democrat Senate was gonna do something about this but as Senator Craig and all the other recent scandals have shown us, the Senate is just as corrupt and stupid, just as human as the rest of us. Plus any amount of people with so much dirty laundry as our Senate and Congress, can easily be controlled by people with information. It is time we woke up and felt a little stupid, so we can wash away the past and start over. Our country is in the hands of idiots and evil little men and women that don't care about us. So if you can't take a joke, bite me! We don't live in an Orwelian control state yet but the checks in the mail.

It's been a while...

It has been a bit since I have really talked about politics so I would say it's about time I said some stuff. The Presidential election is coming up and, if we can avoid some ridiculous hoax fronted by the Bush administration in order to keep them in power, our White House will soon have a new idiot, phony or flat out liar at the helm. I would like to take this opportunity to get to know some of the candidates. First off, Hillary Clinton. They say Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned and was this Maniacal, seething, hell bitch was scorned? Boy howdy was she ever, and not just in private but instead, in front of the whole world. She was publicly burnt by her chubby chaser husband and she most likely wants to burn the men of America on pyres made of cigars and semen stained dresses. Then you have Barack Obama, sure he has charisma but I haven't heard him say anything that intelligent since he has gone on the circuit. It's funny, he was loved by many for his out spoken ways and now that he is a Pres candidate, he just seems to be spitting the same rhetoric that the Democrat speech writers always spew out. Can't these guys come up with some new material? They are probably the same writers that gave the world Full House and Step by Step. Two shows that made me about as sick as Obamas recent debates. Now I would like to move to old Rudy (I'm connected) Giuliani, Okay you held a city together in a time of turmoil, but wait, isn't that the same city that you helped turn into Disney World on Broadway? Don't get me wrong, New York became a safer place under him, oh wait, actually the FBI will tell you the violent crime rate is still rising in NY, it's just less newsy. Also, he looks like a frog, not that I don't like frogs, I just don't trust them to make good decisions. Then there is John McCain, I hope the Silver Fox club remembers the "Keating Five" and all those elderly folk that lost money because of this giant douche. How he can possibly be running for office after all that is truly a monolith in commemoration of American, laziness and stupidity. We also have a Senator Mitt Romney. He is a Mormon. It is against his religion to drink coffee. It is against his religion to drink booze. We already have an insane evangelical in the White House, we sure as hell don't want a Mormon in there either. You remember that rule about not mixing church and state? Why do they never do that?

Booze!

You know I did three blogs last week about things I like and I didn't cover the best subject of all. So I figured I would come back and just say a few words about booze, in the format of a love letter.

Dear Booze:

God I love you, I know it has only been a few hours since we were last together but it already feels like an eternity. Yes that sounds corny but I can't help it, when I am around you I feel complete and when you're gone, I just feel like part of me is missing. We have been together a long, long time, I remember when we met I was 14. Wow have we really been together for 20 years? Time flies when you're in love. It amazes me that most relationships die out after only months but ours has been going strong for so, so long. We were both so immature back then and we have grown together, strengthening each other. Booze I love you. Don't get me wrong I don't need you, I could even live without you if I wanted to but, I believe we both know I don't have to. You would miss me and I would miss you. Sure we have had our hard times, you have even made me sick, at times, for days. I always got better though and have never blamed you, it was usually my fault really. People say love is blind and maybe that is why I have walked into so many inanimate objects when I have been with you. At any rate Booze, I know I am not the only one you have been with since we met, in fact I know you have been with every one of my friends and their friends and so on. You skipped a lot of Mormons though and that is something. You are a dirty, cheating, slut, whore, that has burned me and ruined gigantic chunks of my life, some of which I can't remember clearly Booze and I love you for it. I don't know if I am gonna even give you this note, Oh hell I am late picking you up, see you soon.
All my love...

I like booze