More annoying comercial laziness.

Yet another thing that annoys me is the recent surge of Visa commercials wherein everyone is in a shop, or deli, or, the latest one, a sports store. Every one is moving in very mechanically, well oiled order as they pay for merchandise with their Visa check cards. Eventually a person with plain old cash gets to the register and destroys the order of the queue causing havoc and the breaking of plates and dropping of merchandise. What most people think this commercial is telling you is that having a check card is quick, hassle free and convenient. What this commercial says to me is much worse. First of all, the producers show people to be more robotic than human, moving in a way that suggests order versus error. error is a much sneered at aspect of the human experience. Then you have the efficiency of the Card, it is quick and you get done shopping fast and you are out the door. This especially gets to the human male, who tends to dislike the shopping experience all together. Of course then you have everyone glaring at the poor, dumb sap that used cash instead of a check card. This part gets to people because of that "gym class fat kid" syndrome. People hate it when they are being looked down on as outsiders, very agoraphobic in its presentation. So many small aspects of this commercial tell your brain that the card is better than cash and people don't even take notice of it, they just accept it. However, this commercial really pisses me off and here is why. First, I do not like order, disarray is more my speed, I like the flaws and faults in human beings, they make for good jokes. Nothing can be funny in a world of robotic, hive minded people but that is what the media, the government, big business..etc., want us to be, automatic. Do not think, only react to the proper stimulus, jump when told, sit when told and above all, spend, spend, spend. Second, no one seems to care that the person at the cash register seems dumbfounded by cash. It is a blatant acceptance of worker stupidity, you have ruined the workers day by making them think, if only for one second. Really, why should a person at a cash register have to make change for you, you could just be using the card, crazy outsider. Third thing , before I wrap up, the whole one mindedness of the whole thing, all those people, hating you because you aren't like them and have thrown off their routine. This is a direct psychological attack at people to make them conform to the easy way of life. A real "one of us", moment. So all these undertones aside, what is the overtone of this whole commercial series? That is simple, it is this. Give us your money! That is it. Banks want to control your money, they want credit to rule and cash to vanish. It has been happening since we let them take away the gold standard. Cash in hand is valuable and hard to control. Check cards are different, it's money you can't see and feel, you are detached from it, therefore you can spend it easier. It's like making a decision between two women, one will live and one will die. One woman you know, one you have never met. So who lives and who dies? It's a much easier decision when you don't know the one woman. So of course the one with the best tits lives, especially if she is dressed kinda trashy. So beware of these so called commercials, they are really part of the bigger plot to screw you.

Why is all this difficult?

I can't take it anymore. I keep seeing infomercials that make simple tasks seem really hard to do. Can flipping an omelet really be that hard? I have to know. There is half hour slot about a machine that opens jars for a person. How is that so impossible to do? The lady in the ad gets spaghetti sauce all over herself and the kitchen, this may seem erotic to many Italians but it just scares me. Then I saw one where a lady needed a machine to make sure she only got one square of paper towel at a time. Without the machines help, she had tissue all over the place, she nearly got strangled by it, I was mortified. I know what you are gonna think about all this. They make these menial tasks seem difficult so they can sell the product but what if it's worse than that? What if our new way of life in America has brought de-evolution to such a horrendous point, that we actually have become that inept as a society. What will this world be like in ten years, when we need three machines and a running start just to open a box of Corn Flakes? The media claims they care about the laziness and sloth of the society, yet, they keep pushing these items on us. When Jerry Springer first became popular, we all said,"hey, they are just actors, that many people can't really be that stupid". Well, as a future blog will show, I have been doing the math and I am afraid that we are all wrong. That many people can be that stupid and it is going to destroy our planet. That is why I am devoting this weeks pissings to all the stupid people of the media. I am trying to inform you, before our world is awash in morons with bad motor control and frantic hand, eye coordination. I have often vowed not to have children and soon you will understand why, other than the fact that they would wreck my action figures and ruin the body of my chosen mate/mates/ pool fulla bitches. If you are the breeding kind, I implore you to heed my warnings this week. Transmission ended....


I would also like to add yet another word to the world. The words is Trangsta: noun: A Gangsta in training, typically white, in the middle of an obvious decision whether or not to be trailer trash or go thug. Use it in health.

Oh Canada!

So, as of yesterday morning, the Canadian dollar and the American dollar are holding equal value. If that idea doesn't convince you that our economy is on a downward slide to hell, then I guess nothing will. Even money with Canada? Just last year I was in Winnipeg and we were at a poor, $1.10 to one. I grew up in Minnesota, not too far from the Canadian border and a couple times in my life I have ventured over their to get the most out of my buck but now that would be ludicrous. Face it, the only really good reason to go to Canada, in the past, was the exchange rate, well, that and the fact that you can drink at 18 but I am past that reason and feel a little too old to be checking out 18 year old girls. Economists have said that the even dollar value is not happening because our dollar is loosing value but because Canada's manufacturing and export businesses are getting stronger. I didn't even know that they had an export trade in Canada. After all, you can only portage so much in a canoe there Pasquinel. Americans don't really need any more Canadian beaver pelts and we can supply our own dead comics so that cuts their trade industry. As for manufacturing, do we really want to wear the label "Made in Canada"? Come on America, let's start manufacturing things again. Let's get out of this funk and get our economy back on track. Let's get that Canadian dollar back to where it belongs, in the toilet versus our own. You may think that I am Canada hater because of my rant but that is not true, I love Canada but, if you take away the exchange rate, it's just not worth it to go there. Do you get it? Be increasing our economic value I am also trying to save Canada's. Of course this could all be plot by the "Lorne Michaels" of this planet to get more Canadians to visit, or move, to America, thereby keeping a strong back stock of Saturday Night Live related movies on the slate for centuries to come.

Here come the space diseases.

Over he weekend a meteorite crashed in Souther Peru, near Lake Titicaca, leaving a small, yet somewhat foul smelling crater. Those of us who are still fans of Beavis and Butthead must, first recognize the wonderful humor in saying Titicaca. I will give you this moment to mumble the words to yourself, then on with the story. Now, meteorites are not all that uncommon being that we live on a planet that travels regularly through a large asteroid field. The weird part about this one is that the people of the area are claiming that they are becoming ill and believe it is from some side effect of the meteorite. Many scientists are rejecting their illnesses, stating that the meteorite in question shows nothing more than the average amount of metals and debris that are normally found in such events. I have to wonder though. What about all the other crashes that the scientists snubbed as non-contaminated? 1958 in Pheonixville, Pennsylvania, for instance. A small meteor crashed outside of town, when a local transient happened upon it, poked it with a stick and was attacked by an amoeba like alien that began terrorizing the town, nearly wiping it out. Luckily it's weakness, cold, was found and it was stopped in time. Then in 1982, in the Antarctic, a research team came across what they believed to be a downed comet, it later turned out to be an alien spacecraft. The alien on board could take over peoples bodies through their blood and became a grotesque and terrifying symbiot. Lucky for the world, a daring researcher by the name of R.J. MacReady found that the creature couldn't handle fire and he stopped it before it could destroy our world. I will also point out the 1971 crash of a military satellite that brought back a disease from space that caused rapid clotting of blood. This situation was contained but was nearly a total disaster, since the military planned on detonating a nuclear warhead in order to burn the disease away, if it could not be contained. There are many more such instances that you can find on the internet, which worries me, because that means several more have been covered up by the governments of many nations. You can go as far back as the 1908 Tunguska Event, in which a large comet crashed into the planet, reportedly releasing several otherworldly monsters from the deepest pits of Hades loose upon the planet. This is why I worry about this crater in Southern Peru and you should as well. I am not trying to make you paranoid by the way, if you live on this planet you already should be or you are missing something.

New looks at old trash.

So I actually Googled the Britney Spears VMA show to see what everyone had been talking about and let me just say "Hahahaha". My oh my, that was good stuff there my friends, wow. Reviewers had said that she looked uncomfortable and stiff on stage but I don't think that does it justice. I would say she looked like she was stoned on a mixture of Xanax, cough syrup and heroin, that she had taken in order to calm herself enough to be roughly sodomized by a weedwacker while two large Eastern European men loving smashed her kneecaps with wooden mallets. Short version, she looked wasted and out of it. I am pretty sure that she was on large doses of drugs and alcohol (new word creation, by Joe. Alcho-hole: noun: A person who regularly engages in drunken sex with strangers). Now that she has flopped so heavily on the stage of life all of the people that loved and adored her have turned their backs on her, today it was reported that her long time management company has ditched her. So what is so funny about this? I'll tell you. Britney is not a person, she is a creation of a machine. She has been in the spotlight since she was five years old. She was born human but she was turned into a pop icon, like Ivan Drago in Rocky 4. Remember the montage they showed of how they trained him, fed him drugs, and kept him distant from realities that may confuse his fighting edge? Britney is like that except I felt bad for Drago, damn Russians. Britney, Lindsey, Christina, they are all from the same basic group of control and test children and at some point in time they have all been akin to a malfunctioning fembot. I think it is funny that large entertainment companies find these people as children and then raise and mold them into what you see before you. They are taught to how to sing to the expected popular industry standard, dance in a way that is non-pornographic but none the less arousing and to act in a fashion that is just passable enough to star in a cheeseball Disney flick. At no time are these kids taught to deal with reality. Rejection is unknown to them and absolutely crushing. Not getting their way or what they want, unheard of. Imagine Tarzan being raised, not by apes but instead, robotic, Mormon talent agents with a television fetish, upgraded cruelty chips and burnt out piety circuits, no survival abilities needed just dance and the world will love you, fail us and we will cut you off and throw you into the jungle, see how the lions like your dancing. Okay back to why this is funny to me. Because, this is just the tip of the iceberg friends. Sure Britney is a wreck and many of the other kid stars are falling apart but you have to think back to so many of the others. Willis robbing a convenience store, Danny Partridge and his wild nights away from the bus, who can forget E.T.s Gertie sitting in Studio 54, snorting coke at thirteen years of age? See as time passes the messed up kids just get more plentiful. Parents want their kids to be famous and don't really care about the costs to their humanity. Come on, even Dr. Frankenstein took better emotional care of his monster that people take of these kids. So just expect that the entertainment breeding companies to pour out more and more child stars for each one that fails until this world is dragged under by a flood of pathetic former uberkid corpses, all speed balled to death in Americas alleys of the formerly appreciated. Misery makes good comedy and I think there is a torrent of funny just beyond the horizon.

A review of recent news you may have missed.

There have been a few news stories that people have not been reporting about that I feel need to be covered. I want to start off with one about OJ Simpson, that crazy, crazy man. What in the hell goes through that guys head I wonder? If you don't know, OJ is in jail for allegedly robbing a Las Vegas Sport memorabilia shop along with two armed accomplices. The police have video tape of him and these men removing things from the shop and claim there were guns involved but there are no real clear reports out so far but Simpson is being held without bail. I just gotta say wow, that's it, just wow! You get away with a double homicide because your Isotoners shrank and now you do something just plain retarded? What is wrong with this guys bean? He didn't suffer that many concussions in his NFL days. What a strange, crazy, stupid man.
Here is another good one for do it yourselfers. A man from Melvindale, MI., was found beheaded by a home made guillotine. The body was found in a wooded area near a shopping center. Apparently the death machine was about a six foot long sing arm that was bolted to a tree. Along with the tools and part used to make the guillotine they also found his receipt from the local bigbox building center. One stops to wonder if the dead man used and coupons or bought any sales items. I just think that would be kinda funny if you were about to kill yourself but still shopping for the best deal.
Finally the nuns get screwed. Our very own California Roman Catholic Arch Diocese is selling off one of it's convents in the Santa Barbara area. The nuns have to be out by December 31st of this year. Sister Angela Escalera, the local orders Superior had this to say,“We’re just so hurt by this, and what hurts the most is what the money will be used for, to help pay for the pedophile priests. We have to sacrifice our home for that?” Oh buck up there Sister, the lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe if you dress up like a choir boy one of those nice priests will take you in, hey that sounds just about wacky enough a plot to make a Disney movie out of.
Well those are my top three news stories I wanted to make sure you didn't miss out on and I hope they brightened your day as much as they did mine.

Are you a dollarmenunaire?

we don't do it soon, we will have no one else to blame when we are over run by Grimaces army andI have lived through several retarded ad campaigns in my life. I saw the Taco Bell dog come and go. The "where's the beef" lady pass from our world and Reagan's "Born in the USA" silliness in the 84 election. I have often thought that add execs were like lampreys sucking at the fat belly of the purchasing public. I also believe that big business in our country wants us to get lazy and out of shape so we will stay in our comfort zones and continue to feed them our souls. On top of all this, I have always been annoyed by the way the Federal Reserve uses inflation to devalue Americas dollar. Now I have seen all three of these annoyances slam together in one singularity, the McDonalds "are you a dollarmenunaire?" commercial. Like most people, when I was young I liked McD's I actually thought the food was great, then as I aged and learned about healthy food and the poison that is pumped into us, I figured out why, when I eat that crap, I tend to get a stomach ache and want to sleep, also later, poop way more than I should be able to in one go. This food is cheap and edible, it is by no means good, the waxy flavor and the, I just ate lard, after taste is indicative of something that a very poor fellow would heat up over a burning tire. This commercial just makes me angry. Not only does it devalue the dollar by implying that this so called food is worth a whole dollar but the phrase dollarmenunaire is just creepy. It is one of those things that makes you feel good and not know why. Everyone wants to be a millionaire, even though a million is not as much as it once was, hell it would still stick you in the upper middle class which is amazing when you think about it. Ten years ago one million bucks would have made you a rich person but not any more in America at least. But the word dollarmenunaire still sticks in that part of the human psyche that craves riches. I really hate it, I think the ad campaign talks down to average people and not in the fun, I hate people, way that I do but in a way that says,"let's face it, you will never be rich but, at least you can afford a king sized banquet of our calorie infused, swill". I hate them all so much. Big business wants you to be fat, lazy and complacent and that is just what they breed us all to be from childhood on. This food will make you fat, that is a fact. The fat will make you lazy, that is also a truism. The feeling of getting a deal for your hard earned dollar will make you complacent. So rise up America and destroy the big businesses of the world. If forced to do the bidding of Mayor McCheese. You have been warned.