On the topic of babies.

I decided I had to chime in on this subject. The other day I walked into the break room at work and witnessed a circle of men and women surrounding one of the guys from the warehouse, shaking his hand and congratulating him. I edged closer to see what the big deal was. A promotion? a new car? A firmer penis in just five weeks? No. none of them. The big deal that he was accepting the kudos for was simply this, his wife was pregnant. Upon making this discovery I quickly tried to excuse myself from the room, knowing that, if I did not escape, I would be confronted with the rosy shouldered sperm donor. I did not escape, instead I was moved toward this man. He looked at me, expecting me to express my awe at his accomplishment. "My wife's pregnant", he said sappily. "Really?", I replied, "I brought a hoagie for lunch". There was suddenly a silence in the room, the kind of silence that is almost loud. Then some glares and uncomfortable laughter and then I was out of the room. I thought I had escaped but I was wrong. Later that day I realized that I was getting sneared at by a few of the local clucking hen party. I asked a friend if he knew why and he told me that I was very rude about the pregnancy news. Okay, i do not feel I was rude and I make no apologies for what I said. The fact is that people have been having babies for a while now, actually since the dawn of man I would venture. Maybe nine months after the dawn of man anyway. In fact, next to breathing and pooping, making babies may be the next easiest thing for a person to do. I don't congratulate people on eating or drinking water, that is, unless they eat the worlds biggest sandwich, then I might be inspired to cheer for them. Pregnancy though, that takes no skill, no training of body or mind and no education. In fact, babies are usually formed from an accident and that accident usually involves alcohol. If you can do it drunk and it doesn't involve balancing, it is not deserving of a slap on the back. Now, I would congratulate the mother but not because she was pregnant but after she had the kid, that is impressive. Think of the biggest dump you've ever taken, multiply it by fifteen and imagine it had shoulders and screamed, that is impressive. But there is no way I am gonna congratulate the guy. He did the easiest job in the world and he wants to be recognized for it? Screw him, oh way to dunk that cookie in milk Edger, here's a cigar. Dumb. I think it is way more difficult to go through life and not have a baby. I congratulate my friends when they don't impregnate anyone or anything. I think I will start throwing a yearly party. a "Hey you didn't have a baby" shower. With adult beverages and no stupid footy pajamas, unless that is what the strippers choose to wear to the party.

If this isn't wrong, nothing is.

As you all know, we are about to switch Presidents. As per normal, when one President is about to leave office, he tends to pass as a few legislation's on his way out the door. Our current Pres. is no exception. Mr. Bush is trying to pass many, many little laws and legislation's before he gets the Presidential boot. Some of these are loosening restrictions on environmental and safety issues, which I consider bad hoodoo. Yet the worst thing, in my mind, (not to be mistaken for the actual "worst thing in my mind", which is sick and dark, like a chocolate bar mad of pure evil) is the Presidents power to elect people into certain offices. Alas a chair had recently opened on the National Arts Council and guess who Bush appointed, with the help of the Senate I might add. That's right kiddies, Lee (God Bless the USA) Greenwood. Yes, that Lee Greenwood, the butt monkey that actually sang that song at the Republican National Convention while wearing one of those, just super tacky American flag Leather jackets. Now, I am not opposed to people and their flag lusts but anyone, anywhere that puts on a flag, shirt, jacket, dress, or hat is a screaming douche in my book. I actually believe that the people that wear these items, wear them not out of patriotism but to avoid gay men. They know that any gay man worth his flames would not come within twenty feet of something that ostentatious ( note: I do not believe this applies to Hawaiian shirts). So now Lee Greenwood is going to be on the board that heads the NEA or the National Endowment for the Arts. The folks that help keep artist from completely starving, not that some of them shouldn't starve. I am a huge fan of starving, for instance, anyone that makes art from poop. Sorry, I retract that, if you can make a number two that truly conveys your emotions at that point in time, you should definitely get funding. Even more so if you can poop statues. God poop is funny. Lee Greenwood is not, however and now he has a say in who gets funding. Alright. can't wait to see the NASCAR commemorative Plate Museum or the Painting of dirty hick descending from his double wide.
I know I am being mean, music is an art form too right? Yes it is but so is a black and white photo of a young boy being sodomized by a pickle if its hanging up in the Guggenheim but that ain't art my friends, that's just a pervert getting away with it. That pretty much sets up how I feel about Lee Greenwood, just a pervert getting away with it. Come on he was just another two dollar whore until he jerked off the conservatives with that god awful song that is apparently meant to fill us all with pride in our country but just ends up making you feel like you ate a pie full of vomit. I guess if you toss a powerful enough salad it pays off in the end and old Lee's toungue will probably be numb until the new year from licking al the brown stamps in the White Hoes and the Senate. This all goes to show you. The rednecks are running the establishment. Really, I grew up around these people, they can't be trusted with matches or sexy animals. How can we trust them with the future of art?

A final point. It turns out that Lee was in rehab for a cocaine addiction in the early sixties. Wait, that was right around the time that George Bush Junior was getting into all his trouble with drugs too... and the puzzle pieces just fall into place don't they?

On to the Anti-Christ.

I have been hearing a lot of thingy about the Anti-Christ lately. You know, people saying that Obama is the Anti-Christ because he is a political figure, was unknown up until recently and was born in Hawaii. Apparently the AC is supposed to come from the water and I guess that implies Hawaii. Well, I decided to research this Anti-Christ business to help smooth it all out for you, my readers.

I began my research in the Bible. I was using a King James Bible because it is the most popular version in our country. Being that deciphering the Bible can be a mind numbing and tedious task, I grabbed myself a little glass of bourbon to help me relax. Two hours and a lot of bourbon later I was researching my television, face it, the Bible may be the greatest story ever told but it is really lacking in gunfights car chases and cleavage. I actually think that adding these very things to the Bible would dramatically increase church goership. The Ten Commandments was a pretty successful movie but if the Pharaoh had been played by Steve McQueen in a 1970 Boss 302. It would have been tha much better and instead of all those shawls and birkas, how about Rossario Dawson showing a little sweaty slave girl boobage? Maybe a velociraptor or two for dramatic tension. That could only make it better. Now I realize that is all far fetched but Hollywood can do some amazing CG stuff these days and, as I had been reading through all that wacky "Beast rising from the ocean" stuff, what I wrote didn't sound as far fetched at the time.

Now back to my research. Originally I was pretty sure that the Anti-Christ was Namor, the Sub-Mariner. After all he comes from the ocean and does have a lot of power, also he is reletively unknown, not like that flashy Aqua-man. Then I realized that he doesn't have any really powerful religious figure to help him control the world and the Anti-Christ needs that. I actually believe that his tag line "Sub-Mariner" either meens he is a gay bottom to a Navy navigator or, he delivers sandwiches in Atlantis for a living. It's hard to say, the Sub in Sub-Mariner could have several different definitions. One thing is for sure though, he donned the first faux-hawk.

More booze, more TV and suddenly I had a feeling that Higgins from Magnum P.I. was the Anti-Christ. He had his hell hounds, Zues and Apollo. A secret identity, Robin Masters. He lives in Hawaii, from the ocean. He rode in a flying demon, TC's chopper. It was all coming together. Then I realized that he also, did not have a strong religious leader to help him on his way to power.

I decide that I alone could not get to the bottom of this mystery so I gave up and ate an Ego in my hands, no plate, bourbon does that to a man. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Research done. Booze gone. Bible in the fireplace along with a stuffed Garfield window sticky and someones hat. God I love a good whiskey.

Finally back to basics.

So the election is finally over and, love the out come or hate it, at least I won't have to hear about how hot Sarah Palin is for a while. Seriously, being crowned Miss Wasilla is the equivalent of being crowned Miss Sever Burn Ward. That aside, I can finally get back to writing about things that are truly close to my heart. Therefor I give you...

Joe Bjorklunds favorite Poop and fart references as well as my favorite dirty joke punchlines.

Please try to hold your applause until the end of the world as we know it.


Farting in public, for some odd reason, can be very embarassing to some people. I am not one to be embarassed by my butt gasses, however, I find being suave after letting one rip is kind of difficult. One way to save face and look like a hero in the eyes of lesser mortals is, after letting a loud one depart from betwixt flexxed cheeks, is to say "Whoa, theres the whistle, better get the luggage to the depot before the train gets in". This of course implies that you are sufferring from feces farts and must poop soon lest the gas become unbearable. This is a good tactic because it brings farting and talking about your bowel movement in public. This racks up the social taboo points and makes you look pretty cool, even to the most anti- poop conservative. Other good phrases to use in this situation are " There's the starting gun and Turtlehead is infront by a nose". You could also go with " The French horn is signaling the start of my first movement", this is to be used in very posh situations, obviously.

I was down here all night eating hot buttered corn. One of my favorite dirty joke punchlines. The joke in and of itself is not so good but the punchline has a certain special something.

Now back to poop.

If you have ever been attacked by one of those people that can't stop showing people pictures of their damned offspring, you know the guy or girl. They lurk around at your job, waiting for people to mention children and God help you once you do. A flip book of fat, ugly and bewildered by the camera flash children is suddenly forced upon you and since killing this person with a mallet and a well placed Snickers bar is illegal and will not only cost you your jobs but, send you off to the slammer where a convict named Big Meaty McAssrammer will tell you some of his favorite anecdotes about sodomy, you choose to drop the candy bar, take a deep breath and regret ever being born. Well, now there is a way out. Go home, sit down and begin consuming fiber like there was no tomorrow. After the fifth bag of oats you devour, go drink yourself a huge bucket of prune juice. Then wait. When nature takes its horrible sphincter ripping course, don't flush the by product of your intestines battle with wicker, instead, get some photos. Lots of photos, take a picture of your massive poo in the bathtub, get some shots in a crib, hell get a picture or two of you colon sculpture kissing grandma. The point is get pictures. Then all you have to do is place them in your wallet and wait. Wait until that asshat brings up his kiddie pics and then, break out yours. If the horror of seeing a giant bowel movement taking a bubble bath doesn't end their constant annoyances, I am confident that the picture labeled "Babies first spagetti dinner", will fix them and how.

Well, i was gonna tel more punchlines but I am tired and thinking about getting some vacation snaps of a turd in a onesie. So, good night gentle readers.

Am I twisted or do I just see the big picture too well?

I ask the header question after watching the third Presidential debate. Obama and McCain bounced over their regular talking points and argued their points. McCain tried to attack Obama but seemed to strike with the accuracy and deftness of an elderly pit viper, that has lost its sensitivity to vibration and just cant seem to sense differentials in temperature as well as he once could, also, he has a partially paralyzed left snake muscle (note: I never claimed to be a snake biologist) and Obama was, well Obama. The guy was top of his class at Harvard and a trial lawyer to boot, not the best person to have to argue against. I was not impressed by either candidate, hell, I dislike both sides of the major political coin anyway. I was relatively bored throughout. Then, towards the end, something caught my mind. It was when the candidates were talking about education. A subject near and dear to my heart because of my seething hatred for the ignorant in our world. What was it? it was when McCain said this...

"We need to encourage programs such as Teach for America and Troops to Teachers where people, after having served in the military, can go right to teaching and not have to take these examinations which -- or have the certification that some are required in some states"

Examinations? Certifications? I don't know bout you but, if I had kids, I would want them to have a certified teacher that can pass an exam or two. That is not what bugs my though. What got to me was the thing about sending people right from the military to teach without exams or certifications. I checked up on Troops to Teachers and, sure enough, they even want some certification to be a teacher, well, they want this...

Who May Apply: (specifically) Former members of the U.S. Armed Forces, including members of the Armed Forces Reserves may apply. Applicants must apply to the Defense Activities for Non-Traditional Education Support (DANTES) for assistance. Applicants aspiring to be an elementary or secondary school teacher must have a baccalaureate or advanced degree and:

• Have retired from active duty;
• Will retire within one year of application;
• Have been transferred to the ready reserve;
• Have been released from active duty after six or more years of active duty immediately before separation;
• Have completed at least 10 years of active duty;
• Have executed a reserve commitment agreement for not less than three years;
• Have been retired or separated due to physical disability;
• Have been involuntarily discharged or released from active duty due to a reduction in force between Oct. 1, 1990 and Sept. 30, 1999; or
• Have applied and qualified under the previous Troops-to-Teachers program statute (10 U.S.C. 1151).

Now this, I have no problem with. I had teachers that were ex military and they weren't all half bad. They new the subject they were trying to teach and the had the credentials and ability to teach it. Sure some of them were gung ho about getting us to sign up right out of school but most of them were alright. Then I thought back to my junior year of high school. I was in my Social Studies class when two Marine Drill instructors walked into the room. They sat for an hour telling us why we should join up and, they had an RV outside to collect preregistration info. That is the same year that our economics class had us take a non-voluntary ASVAB test (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery). This didn't bother me at the time, I was just a stupid kid but now that I am older and so much more cynical, it bugs the hell out of me. I have felt, for a good chunk of years now, that our government is trying to form a true, military police state. So this is what I heard in last nights argument.

First, calling Obama "Pro-abortion) that is a buzz word kind of deal used to rile up his religious zealot base. Fine, I can understand being against abortions and, when I look at most of the kids around me as I go grocery shopping, I can understand being pro-choice. Hell I think we should be able to abort certain adults if they don't stop having stupid children. The fact is the McCain wants more babies out there and he doesn't care if having the kid will kill the mom, baby first, mom second.

Next was the education issue. Why is education of such low importance to our government? Most of my teachers were atrociously ignorant and slow witted when I was growing up but apparently now, they are far worse. For decades or education systems funding has been eaten away by things the government has deemed more important and I am not just saying Republican government, it has been both sides of the isle here. Shouldn't teaching children how not to be completely ignorant be a top priority? I guess not.

Then you have all the medical garbage flying about, well, we know it would be near impossible to socialize medicine in America but, we also know that no one is trying to control costs in a market that is running rampant. One thing us poor folk do have on our side is the Hippocratic Oath. That is a help everyone or lose you license kind of thing. The scariest thing about McCains privatization of the medical industry idea is that it would throw that oath out the window and turn your pre-existing condition into the the medical equivalent of having really bad credit. Sure, you can drive or fly to another state for care but that is gonna cost you a hell of a lot more than five grand. Plus, I pay enough taxes as it is I don't need my insurance taxed as well.

Now, this is where I stretch it all apart and smush it into my point. What happens in a world full of poorly educated, babies that are worried about their future health? They join the military. It becomes really easy to assimilate kids when they grow up with teachers that talk about their service all the time. especially if those teachers don't really have the credentials to teach anything other than Phys-Ed. Sure, maybe I am reaching but, with all the other crap going on in our government, all the shady deals and over the top, secret "spy on your own people" kinda crap. I feel that reaching a little is fair. Maybe, if a few people caught it in time, Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin (even though, Stalin came in pretty well set up) could have been stopped just short of their little plans for world domination to really kick off and get a lot of innocent people killed.

I know, not as funny as usual but I think, if I ever win the lottery and move to the South of France like I would like to. Then the American police state comes to fruition. Then I will feel that this is much funnier, to me at least.

Damn you WE network

It was 2:30 AM and I was up, couldn't sleep, lazily flipping through the channel guide on my tv when something caught my eye. A show called "Transgender women in prison". I thought that sounded like a winner, figuring, since it was on that late it was probably one of those poorly acted and edited, soft core pornos that used to be run on "USA: Up all night" back in the late 80's. Regretfully, I did not take notice of the channel on which this movie was being broadcast. It was not on USA, Spike, The CW, TNT or even Telemundo. No, it was on the Womens Entertainment network and, also to my chagrin, it wasn't even a movie but a documentary about the lives of transgender inmates. How appauling. Here I am, bored out of my mind at 2:30 in the morning, thinking I have scored a late night BDSM flick that has been edited for content, which makes them, oh so funny, yet, there I was, faced with the horrors of a chickumentary that was like watching an episode of "Lock up, Raw" but everyone in it hated their birth genitals. Granted, when I realized the ow humor value of the show, I moved on. I would have taried a while if, say, a mustachioed gaurd holding a fire hose, would have, at any time walked up to a cell and said, "shower time ladies, get those uniforms off", then he licks his lips as if drooling. I am not kidding, that scene is in every movie of the "in prison/ in chains" genre. That is one of the things that makes them so beautiful to watch. So I will just say, I was saddened and disappointed, so I went back to the menu and reactivated my thumbs search for anything to relieve my ennui. Suddenly something else caught my eye and it looked like a winner. "Confessions of a go go dancer". "Hooray" I though, this one had to be a video nasty, with all the nasty spliced out. I immediately highlighted the selection, pressing the enter button, hand trembling in anticipation of getting to see a woman, strung out on cocaine and her ever budding hatred for the male gender as she grings her hips and breast on the body of a woman that she only ever thought of as a friend, until the night her no good, drunk, abusive boyfriend smacked her up a bit and left her crying on the couch, the slightest drip of blood on her quivering lip. Seriously, you gotta watch these movies, it is always like that. Well, the channel comes on and what do I get? Some "more than just friends" girl on girl dancing? No. How about a scene where a bad ex boyfriend gets hit by his ex girlfriend who stole his car out of the garage? Nope. Anything good and sexually and mentally degrading in any way? No. What I did get was a show about a girl that became a go go dancer to pay the bills and then her life went down the toilet and she went to therapy to figure it all out and blah, blah, blah. Boring. I went back to the channel guide and low and behold, I was on the Oxygen network.

So, in conclussion of this story I would just like to say this. Damn you womens entertainment networks of the world. Your misleading titles are ruining television for the surly, latenight viewer with an eye for the depraved, class C movie. Is it funny to you? Some kind of joke? You are ruining the lives of men and women everywhere that can't abide soft core movies unless they have been hacked to bits by an editor with one eye and Parkinsons disease. I know everyone loves when a woman is ripped out of her prison jump suit, hit in the face with delousing powder as three female guard approach her and they say something to the effect of " Let's get you cleaned up and, all of a sudden, there is a horrible jump cut and the same inmate is crying in her cell, the only evidence of any mistreatment is the utter lack of lice. These are the moment fans of crappy movies live for and you had to go and ruin them womens entertainment networks. Well I say damn you, damn you, damn you, damn you all to Hell.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Oh yeah, that's another one. When the sexy lady warden says to the hot prison yard snitch, " Is there something you want to get off your chest?" then she touches the snitches shoulder and rubs her tits, or twirls the snitches hair. If the warden is a man, he will usually smell her hair and the snitch will look down at the ground, to timid to say anything.

'Til death do us part?

So I have recently been besieged by people wondering when I am gonna get married. I just want to put this out there for everyone. Why is it so damn important to get marriaged? Maybe I am weird, in fact, I can damn well guarantee that I am but I am very good at seeing perspectives and ideals of other people, yet this marriage thing, the older I get, the less I get it. Sure when I was nineteen, living in a small town and worried that I would never find love as pure as the psycho hell bitch I was with at the time, I thought marriage was a good idea. Get hitched, pop out a couple a brats, accidentally shoot myself in the throat while while watching Austrian mongoose porn and masturbating with a handgun to my face, you know, the small town American dream. Now, many years later I find it absurd. Why get married? Is it a religious thing? I have read the bible, a few of them and I gotta say that there is no real definitive "get married or else" clause that I can find. It says a lot about not being an adulterer but, since adultery is for the married, the unmarried can't really commit it. Not a loop hole the pro marriage folks like to dwell on. The bible does say this though and I just like to write it out for you.

"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye , even if it is your good eye, causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand, even if it is your stronger hand, causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Thank you King James Bible for that image. I always wondered why there were all those eyes and hands laying in the parking lot of my local, neighborhood strip club. So if it isn't purely religious, how about political? The government seems to be pretty keen on all of us finding our one and only and staying with that person, even after we decide that we hate the very flesh their blood ozzes through like bile through a cold sieve, just because we don't want to lose half our stuff. Really though, it seems that the government boosts marriage for another reason, taxes and children. If you are single and owe someone money, dieing pretty much stops that in its tracks, sure the people you once owed can harass your kin folk but good luck squeezing a dime out of them. Yet a spouse, they can be squeezed nasty, anaconda on the scrotum style. If you once owed, they will pay what you owed. Nothing like getting a bill for grieving. Then You have children. Apperantly being married makes it more likely that you will have kids. I don't know who came up with that idea but I can say, with tempered certainty, that they have never been to a McD's in North East Minneapolis around wellfare check day. Eight thousand screaming children and two women, both on cell phones, both ignoring said kids and, of course, talking to eachother via said phones. Get a recruiter in there today and you have your Army of tomorrow, all with out one single diamond band or " I take thee".

Which comes to another of the many things that bug me about marriage...weddings. What a waste of money, resources and time these things are. An average wedding costs about ten thousand bucks in this country, so for every Justice of the Piece wedding that costs about a grand max. There are weddings that are getting up to the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Wow, that much money to prove that you love someone, I always thought the bast way to show someone that you care was to not eviscerate them with a sharpened Weeble-Wobble but I guess to each their own. And forbid that you get a religious wedding, you have to rent a tux, a church, a limo and a priest. That's another strange thing about weddings, you rent a church for them. If the church feels that marriage is so important, why don't they do all that crap for free? Also, if adultery is so wrong, why do bridesmaids always show so much more cleavage than the brides? It's like saying to the poor groom," Look at all these tits, they are forbidden now, you will be with the tits that hide 'neith the lacy death throw, forever" (insert evil, Vincent Priceian laugh here)

So why is marriage so important to people? I guess it is this simple. For hundreds of years it has been beaten into our heads that we need to live life like everyone else has since the dawn of history. Well I say, screw those guys, they're dead, I am not, yet. So see how all that worked out for them. Suckers.

Oh yeah, in answer to when I am getting married, I say PPPffffffftttttttt!