Thoughts from the 80's

Sorry I have not been writing too much as of late my friends but my new job is very tiring. Ah yes, a steady job, the most vile poison to creativity one can be bitten by. On the bright side though, now I can afford more whiskey, which is the artists friend, so by and by this will balance itself out. I shall endeavor to write more often, which means more booze, YAY!!!

That being said, I can now tell you a thought I happened across in the vast wasteland that is my mind, while I was sitting down with a nice bottle of Scotch. I was perusing cable television offerings when I stumbled upon a show on one of the many Mtv's, it was called Metal Mania and let me just say wow. It was a showcase of videos from the 1980's, more precisely hairbands from the 80's. Truth be known, as a youth I considered much of this music to be not so bad, not great, but at least it wasn't New Kids on the Block or Tiffany. Now that I am older, I find that, as a novelty, the music is still not that bad. It was not, by any means, amazing but it wasn't the worst thing. well, Bon Jovi and Winger sucked but not as much as Def Leppard so that's a plus. A fun little game is to watch Ozzy Ossbourne now and then watch his vide0s from back then. You no longer see the cool, scary, parent bain you saw as a child, now you just see a frumpy, middle aged Brit with a kleenex full of dog mess singin' Bark at the Moon. How's that for a tribute to Randy Rhodes? The song "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White made me realize a vast difference between popular music then and now. That song is absolutely full of innuendos, so full in fact, that it should be called "Once Bitten, Twice Shy (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)". Popular music now has no suggestion or innuendo, bands just say what they were thinking while they were writing their crappy songs, I am sad, I am angry, touch my penis, show me your ass. That is a great way to talk if you are a ninety year old, ex-marine with alzheimers (I will leave this word misspelled if only for the humorous irony that I forgot how to spell it) but not a good way to write songs.
I also discovered that I learned more about world history from Iron Maiden than from my actual teachers. It would have been awesome to have a class taught by Bruce Dickenson. He could sing the important points that you had to know for the test and you would still recall them perfectly, even now, so many years after you have left the mind crushing walls of public school behind.
I believe that the 80's was the only musical decade that you would hear the phrase "Dude I just wrote this amazing synthesizer solo", or, "Hey, which one of you guys used both bottles of my Aquanet?". I never noticed until the other day that all of the 80's synth players, only play with one arm. Don't believe me? check for yourself, "The Final Countdown" by Europe and Bon Jovi's "Run Away" are two great examples of this. There is so much more I could talk about but it is best if you discover it all for yourself. Call your local cable company and demand that they stop playing current crap and start playing some old crap and find out for yourself.

A really tough question.

I love getting questions from readers and difficult questions are even better.

Doug from Los Angeles, CA. Has sent me this doozy.

"In reading your blog it has become clear to me that you are a big fan of movies and music. You can learn a lot about someone from their taste in entertainment. So my question to you is this. What are your favorite music moments in film?"

Wow, such a good question, were to begin? First I will warn you that these are in no particular order, I will just write this and see what falls outta my head. Second, all media is fair game, movies, cartoons and television. That out of the way, here I go.
The first thing that pops up is the two big musical moments in Zoolander, the gasoline fight and the part in the mine where Zoolander poses to "Workin' for the weekend". Wham and Loverboy using their cheesy, crappiness to make us chuckle.
Of course the full score of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly but especially the big final stare down, absolute shivers from that scene. Thank you Sergio Leone. The Magnificent Seven is another western with a fantastic score but no real stand out scenes.
The opening of score of Hellraiser is simple but really good. So is the opening of the made for TV miniseries of The Stand, where they plat Blue Oyster Cult's, Don't Fear The Reaper as they pan the camera over all the dead bodies.
There is a little known movie called Thrashin' and the hero of the film escapes some guys on his skateboard to Wild in the Streets by The Circle Jerks. Not a great film but I love that song. The flick Repo Man is just an all around good movie full of good music and if you haven't seen it you should.
Reservior Dogs, Stuck in the Middle With You, enough said. Let's face it Terantino has had a few great music moments in his films.
There are so many great music moment on film, I could go on forever but i will stop on my all time favorite. It was one moment that I remember from my childhood and I hold it near to my heart to this day. It is the episode of Bugs Bunny called "Rabbit of Seville" and it is by far my favorite musical film moment. If you see the screen below you, click play and enjoy.

I hope that answers your question a little bit Doug, thanks for writing.

On the subject of Hillary

Okay, you all know that I am a news junky, i spend most of my free time scanning the papers, TV and web for more information than I can ever feasibly use and now I have to say something. Hilary Clinton, please shut up. I am not a Republican, nor am I a Democrat. I do not actually believe that our government works for us or is there to better our lives in any way. Any student of world history will tell you that, eventually, all governmental systems, no matter how well conceived, fall into the hole that uncontrolled capitalism digs. Hell, look at our current government, it is built on one definable rule, the Golden Rule. He that gots it, makes it. I do not know if I am a supporter of Barrack Obama, I like the guy, I think for a politician he isn't as much of an asshole as the majority. What do I know though? I like Ron Paul. Well, I like the Constitution and he is one of the few people in our government that isn't taking every opportunity to crap all over it. I truly dislike John McCain, I think he is just another Bush clone and I also think he has had a face lift. John, you're old, deal with it and go play golf. The person that truly irks me is Hillary. She is a bad person. I dislike her thoroughly. I don't know if it is the way she reminds me of Martha Stewart or what it is, I just dislike her. I guess I didn't like Billy boy too much either, all that Whitewater crap and all the nastiness he unleashed in his terms and, just for the record, I don't care about the Lewinski garbage, if you have your hand on the big red button, I believe you should be sexually serviced no less than twelve times a day in any way that gets you off. After all, there is no better deterant to war than leaders with no energy to sign a declaration. Plus, you can say what you want about Bush letting Libby off the hook but look at the list of people that Bill got out of prison before the end of his second term and you will see that the apple just doesn't fall far from the Lincoln bedroom. Now, back to Hillary. She looks into cameras and lies to the American public and then says "Well, that's how I remember it", and people just accept it. It's like a line from a bad TV sitcom. They should put a laugh track behind her when she talks. The wacky neighbor could burst through the door and say "Hey Hill, I thought you were in Panama this week" and she could say "Well, that's how I remember it" and a bunch of people would laugh but not really, because it would be canned laughter and it wouldn't really be funny. That's what really bugs me about Hillary. Now she is acting funny. Showing up on Saturday Night Live and making jokes on her public appearances to seem more human. Well here, I will say it, I know funny and Hillary Clinton, you are not funny. As for appearing more human, that is what robots and aliens do when they try to assimilate into human society. I guess I am trying to save us all really. Hillary Clinton is an unfunny, robot from another planet and she is hell bent on controlling the free world. We can put a stop to this America, vote Sombulec Vitaloneter Verondeck III of Gamuttis 12 for President. A name you know, a name, you can trust.

Ponderences

Today I will write some things I am thinking. I have been rather heavy of though as of late and am feeling the need for some deep thoughts.

Here goes...

If politicians really want whats best for America, why are they not committing mass suicide by gorging themselves on lawyer flesh? If you think about it this would be a huge step forward in the progress of our society. As they say, you can't make an omelet without cannibalizing a few dozen law students.

Why are so many ugly people anti-abortion? Are they just so mad at the world that they want to make even more ugly children for us to look at?

In the old days war was good for our economy. During WWII or economy thrived. Now we have a global economy, a world wide economy and so, logically, for this economy to survive we must move on to a universal war. It is the only logical solution.

Do you suppose that since China knew they were gonna host the Olympics this year that they purposefully put lead in our toothpaste? Perhaps their government thinks that only the rich, famous or successful athletes brush their teeth in America, since that is probably how it is in China.

No one appreciates the irony of my statue of Ed Gein made completely out of old lampshades.

People like to tell me there is no "I" in team. To that I say "Well there is an "I" in whiskey" and then I smash a bottle in their face and bleed 'em, real quiet like.

I would like to invent the time machine so I could send people back in time to show them just how much Hootie and the Blowfish sucked. Plus it would be fun to send Evangelical Christians back to the age of dinosaurs and then tell them to wait. If they are right, people should show up soon.

That's it for now. Thanks for reading.

They hit like girls.

You gotta love idiots, don't you? If you are a news junky like myself then you have probably seen the video of the six or so teenage girls beating the one teen girl. I will post the video in case you missed it.



I was actually shocked by this video. Not by the shear stupidity of it all. No, idiots no longer surprise me. We have become a world wherein morons tape their crimes for bragging rights and kudos and never thing about the legal ramifications of same. As a comic and a writer, I treasure these people because they give me ammo but that doesn't make them any less useless and if the hand of a vengeful god, smote them from the face of the planet, I am sure I could find something else to pick on. " Hey aren't flowers weird? Photosynthesis, what's that all about?" See easy as that. What shocked me about this video was that the parents missed the warning signs of this violent behavior. First and foremost, if you watch the video, the obvious leader of the girls is a chubby chick, she is blond and dressed in pink sweats and a wife beater. If you know the warning signs of criminal behavior, then you would know that the combination of blond, chubby, pink velour pants or shorts and a wife beater is a recipe for a train wreck. If she happens to have tightly curled locks, it becomes even worse. If you watch enough Cops or news feeds, you will see that the Pink sweat pants look is the female equivalent of the mullet, mustache and shirtless look for men. If her parents were savvy with the signs of violent behavior they could have popped tubby in a spin class and slapped some jeans on her, that may have helped quell her antisocial behavior.

One of the girls is wearing a Hustler tee shirt. That is not so much a sign of violence but it ain't exactly a sign for purity. It's more like your fourteen year old daughter is running around wearing a detour sign on the road to a happy, successful life.

I am stunned by the way parents simply miss the warning signs of this kind of behavior. I hope that my article will help bring to light the danger in allowing your girls to dress like a trailer park madame and get then on the road to non-white trashiness.

As for video taping it. Hell, if those idiots keep giving people munitions, we will keep using them. The side note is this. My friends and I did several stupid and criminal things when we were young, we never video taped them, we didn't go to jail. Enough said.

Another Reader Question.

Over the last year I have gotten several, hard to answer questions. Yet, the one I recently received from Jeremy in Minnesota is a real bear (and I mean a tough one, not a fat, hairy, gay one). Jeremy's question is this.

" Is Paul Verhoeven the greatest director that's ever lived, or what?"

Alright, I admit it. Jeremy is a friend of mine and we often joke about Paul Verhoeven. Yes, he is a good director but the greatest of all time? Definitely not. Paul has given us some good times though. Who can forget RoboCop's thigh gun holster, or the way that guy splattered on the hood of the cop car after being partially melted on toxic waste? Where would the world be without the line about turning on the reactor in Total Recall. Oh yeah, there was the hooker with three bigguns too, that was pretty sweet and pure Verhoeven. I actually enjoy Starship Troopers for the campy, silliness that it is. Sure it is a complete bastardization of one of my top three Robert Heinlen books but that film introduced the world to a few great things. Dizzy's Knockers, Denise Richards cleavage and a psychic Doogie Hauser and I dare you to debate the relevancy of any of them. Paul also gave up the infamous "beaver shot", in basic instinct. Alas, with all bright points, there must be shadow and at least two of paul's films have left black marks on the world that may never be swept away. I of course speak of Showgirls, the only movie, ever, that made me not want to see girls naked for about six months of my life. The way Elizabeth Berkley would throw her jacket over her shoulder and poorly emote the line, "I'M NOT A WHORE!", could wilt the sex drive of even the most amorous of oversexed monkeys. Then you have the true stinker on the pasture, Hollow Man. Wow, Kevin Bacon as an insane, egomaniacal, invisible murderer/rapist. I try to suspend my belief when I watch a movie but the shear fact is that the Bacon Brothers music is the only scary thing about Kevin. Well, yes, the white guy dances in Footloose were scary but that was not a Verhoeven.

Well Jeremy, I guess I didn't really answer your question as much as just catch up on my PV trivia and reminisce about boobies, a love that I share with Paul.

I shall now introduce all my loyal readers to a game we Verhoeven fans play. Any time, anyone mentions, the name Paul Verhoeven, or one of his movies, you must say "Paul Verhoeven" to another person and shake hands. If the are savvy, they will respond in kind. It is the Paul Verhoeven game and it comes from one drunken night when someone realized that the words Paul Verhoeven sound a lot like a Swedish greeting, I know, he's Dutch but what do I know about Dutch?

I hope that answers some of your question Jeremy.

Further Questions Answered.

DJ from CA has sent me a little question, possibly in the hopes of stumping me. The question is this.

"Would you or wouldn't you dip your balls in it?"

Ah, good one. If any of you are fans of comedy as I am, then perhaps you understand the origins of this question. Mtv had a show in the early nineties called The State and on that show, there was a guy named Louie that would come into a scene and talk about dipping his balls in things. The State was and still is one of the funniest sketch comedy shows that has come out of North America. You can also watch Upright Citizens Brigade and Kids in the Hall, The State is right there with them.

That isn't really an answer but what DJ asked brought me to a line of thought I had not approached before. Would I dip my balls in it? In what exactly? I accept that we are referring to my testicles when we say balls and that is a touchy area...drum roll please. There are many things I wouldn't dip my balls in and several things I would, circumstances depending. For instance, balls in battery acid? No way! To save the life of a loved one then? Again, no way! You got into that mess, you get out of it. Would I dip them in a vat of Smucker's jam? Well, possibly but not around a swarm of fire ants but naked in the midst of a swarm of hypoglycemic strippers? You betcha. I can take something else from The State and say I would definitely dip my balls in two hundred forty dollars worth of pudding. I can honestly say that I have no clear answer for this one DJ, there are just so many options and free radicals.

Another thought did occur to me however. Years ago I was at a friends house and his children were playing in the front yard, I know this is starting horrible but bear with me. Anyway, his kid and a neighbor kid were both coveting a Tonka truck that his kid was currently playing with. My buddies wife called the kid in to the house for some reason and that is when this strangeness happened. My friends kid dropped his pants and placed his balls on the Tonka truck, then, just as fast, pulled his pants back up and walked into the house. The neighbor kid did not touch the truck, in fact, he seemed to lose all interest. I have now realized that men base ownership on ball proximity. Think I am wrong? Try the equation. Your balls + a person or object = your stuff. It is as simple as that. here are some easy ones, your favorite chair, it is yours and it is constantly in indirect contact with your balls when you are home. Ever notice how men are more in touch with were their keys are than their wallets? Keys go in the front pocket, wallet in the back. I know this will be misconstrued as sexist but I gotta say it. Men are very protective of their girlfriends, almost territorial, well hey let's face it, guys put their balls on their girlfriends. That's the point of having a girlfriend. I know you may laugh or be offended but try both and just enjoy the reality that I have given you. frankly I don't think anything in my office hasn't been touched by my balls. Go ahead, break in, steal my stuff and live the rest of your sad, pathetic life with my balls on your hands.

Good night and good ballin'