Okay so I have to do this.

I have to briefly pimp my blog about pooping. please go to www.fecesfiles.blogspot.com and tell me what you think.

Then why aren't you rich and famous?

Why am I not rich and famous? This is a question the recently was handed to me by a coworker. He found out that I used to do stand up comedy and that I plan to again someday. The coworker said "You know what I like? That Larry the Cable Guy. You should do something like that. People like that guy a lot. Git 'er done." Seeing my eye twitch and my face fall a bit, he continued, "What, you don't like Larry the Cable Guy? Everybody likes him. What's wrong with you?" Here is a mistake many people make in my life. A) Asking my opinion and B) Equating popular with good.

Asking my opinion of something is not unlike playing Russian roulette. There is a good chance I won't say anything that bothers or offends you but, when the right chamber clicks into place, you should not act amazed that I opined a hole in your skull. Now just because seventy percent of the populace enjoys your act does not mean it's good, actually, it tends to mean just the opposite. Not in every case mind you but in many. Look at how the Redneck Comedy Tour sells out arenas but last time I saw the Comedians of Comedy tour it was at about a quarter capacity. Thousands of people will go to a Linkin Park concert but Flogging Molly and Anthrax are small venue only. In all actuality, being good at what you do and taking pride in your work tends to get you no where. Mass appeal is a two edged sword. Great, a large percentage of people love you and you have a comfortable amount of money but, and this is the point, that does not mean you don't still suck. More over, just because fifty people I know might like you doesn't mean I do. And having money doesn't make you a master at a craft. Tom Cruise is a crap actor, he is wealthy. Donald Trump is a wealthy realtor that has gone bankrupt at least three times and is still rich. Jackie Collins has made more money in her life time than Robert Hienlen. Oh, oh, oh L. Ron Hubbard, wrote like a retarded first grader and his "teachings" have earned billions. That should shore up my point I think.

So what happens every time I try to make the popularity to talent point? Some shmoe take offense and asks my why I am not rich yet, if I am so good. People take offense to you not liking what they like or even not liking them. That's funny to me. I don't care if not everyone likes me, doesn't bother me one bit. Ergo, when I offend someone with my views, not a damn give I. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be rich and if that day ever comes, I will be happily drunk two hours later but for right now I am fine being slightly under middle class and proud of my aggression towards normalcy and my lack of a catch phrase.

Classic movie update.

I can't take this anymore. I have been trying to compile a list of movies, pre- 80's, for a friend of mine and there is too many. So I said screw it, I want to write about other things and since I know the guy, I can just tell him what he should check out and not wrack my brains about this anymore. I wash my hands of the whole ordeal. Sorry if I disappoint anyone but I have crumbled this particular cookie in this way. Maybe one day I will publish the list but it will be long as hell.

Movie classics.

Recently my friend Joe asked me to write a list of my favorite "classic" movie that I would suggest he see. That is a real tough one. I had to decide what I considered classic and what I considered just amused my own strange sensibilities. I decided that the dictionaries definition of the word was best, IE: "Classic: A work recognized as definitive in its field" that works for me so let us now talk fields. No let's not talk fields, that will stretch this into an all night write and an all day read. I will just tell you a few of my classic picks that I will watch every time they are on, some of these are simply clumped by actors by the way. Oh, I will also not venture into the 80's or beyond.

That said, first their are the Marx Brothers, if Groucho and Chico never made you laugh then you have either never seen them in action, or you are a very boring person and must stay away from me. Then absolutely anything with Cary Grant in it, the man was the embodiment of what a Hollywood acting legend should be, Philadelphia Story(1940), His Girl Friday (1940) and Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)top the list of Grant movies for me.

I am a big fan of Basil Rathbone and Nigel Planer in the Sherlock Holmes series for m the 40's and 50's. I consider these must sees if you are a Homes fan that is. The Lady Killers(1955), the remake was good but the original was messed up and had Sir Alec Guinness in it. On the subject of Sir Guinness, the movie Murder by Death (1976), which he is in as well, is one of the greatest comedies of all time. Okay one foray into the 80's, Clue (1985) is the grand child of murder by death and must also be seen.

Now if you have a Steve McQueen movie anywhere that to, you must watch. The Great Escape (1963) The Cincinnati Kid(1965) and of course the Magnificent Seven (1960) top my list there. Since I am on the subject of the Magnificent Seven I should also point out its grand father, the Seven Samurai(1954) the Akira Kurosawa master piece see that also.

Okay this will take forever like this so what I will do is compile a list decade by decade and when it is done I will put it up for your perusal okay? sounds good.

Damn you Joe, there is not enough hours in the day for this kind of mad typing.

Here this will be fun and this way everyone can understand the "One of us" chant my friend Marty and I do to people on the street. Google the movie Freaks(1932) and stare in awe of the scene where the guy with no arms and no legs sloshes towards a person with a knife clenched in his teeth.

Toilet paper pets.

I had a thought the other day. Some of my friends and I were discussing activists like the ones on that show Whale Wars or those people you see at Green Peace rallies. These people take saving animals to an extreme, placing themselves in the line of fire so they can save a creature or two. Standing on a dingy between a spear gun and a mammal that forgot to evolve, leave the ocean and buy a digital watch (Thank you Douglas Adams), chaining themselves to trees to save a habitat and, I am sure, we have all seen the anti-fur protesters outside of your local Macy's, picketing and releasing Patchouli fumes into our ozone. It is these anti-fur folks that I have the biggest problem with. Not because of their tactics or motives but the fact that they are avoiding the most obvious play on their activist chessboard. So listen hippies and listen well, I will only explain this to you once.
The plan is simple. Go into the forest, find an cute, fuzzy animal that you wish to keep safe and vested and wipe it slowly across your anus. Yes you read it write, unless you're dyslexic, place that beloved, woodland critter betwixt your scrawny, fetid cheeks and give it a good knuckle drag and twist.
What is the purpose? If you can't guess, it's pretty simple. No up and coming parvenu would be caught wearing the skin of beast that was repeatedly raked on ones rectum (damn near killed 'um. that one is for my friends). Instead these people would be forced to move on to a more feces free cloth. Faux, non-pooped on fur springs to mind. If you have ever been in your bathroom, cleaning it after a party and discovered a strange looking scrunchy of toilet paper that seems to have a brown streak evident on its surface, you will remember the level three Haz-Mat containment devices you broke out to deal with it. Now picture wrapping said TP wad around your neck and wearing it to the regatta.
So come on hippies, start snatching and wiping. Sure you may get bitten or scratched. Maybe you will catch the rabies. Really thought, isn't that a small price to pay for the safety of a species? I say no. Now the simple fact that I am not in league with the activists, I do not condone nor disapproves of their actions, you may wonder what stake I have in all this. It's simple really. Watching a bunch of hippies get mauled by wild animals they are trying to shove into their cracks would be really funny and the videos would sell more that Girls Gone Wild and Bum Fights combined.

Here is a slogan:

Dependence on fur will surely shrink, just wipe your ass with a mink.

Eleven lessons TV has taught me.

Someone recently told me that I watch too much television. They said it rots the brain and doesn't do anything for mental, or spiritual growth (hippies). I say that is untrue. Television can not only help you break free of social taboos but it can also expand your mind and teach you about tolerance. So I give you eleven things I have learned from various TV shows throughout my life.

1) Miami Vice taught me that Florida was a tolerant state being that an interracial, gay couple could become the top vice detectives in city laden with machismo and Glenn Frye music.

2) C.S.I. has taught me about the dangers of being a hot woman in any major city in the U.S. Now I know if any of my female friends go to Vegas, New York or Miami (again) they will be raped and killed within the first five minutes of their arrival if they are not prepared properly. Avoid poorly lit hotel rooms, alleyways and the desert, oh and pools after hours and you should survive.

3) I never learned anything from the show Growing Pains but, years later, when I discovered The Way of the Master, an evangelical website, hosted by Kirk Cameron (Mike Seaver), I learned that not all child stars turn to drugs, booze and sex and end up dieing young in a gutter but some of them should.

4) Syndicated television has taught me the importance of actual swear words when trying to act like a tough guy. "Yippie ki-yay Mister Falcon" and "Why don't you suck my donkey?" just don't cut it for me.

5) The media, with all it's biases and back and fourths, can still really come together as one and truly help out when a hot, white girl vanishes.

6) In the early years of television, most bathrooms did not have toilets. It was considered to be poor taste to show one on television. That is why I have a TV in my bathroom, as a subtle protest to the old ways. Also I poop a lot and hate missing Spongebob.

7) The British are way more relaxed than us when it comes to TV. In the 80's in America, it was thought to be pushing the envelope to say the word ass. At the same time in the U.K., you could regularly hear the words twat, assface, bitch, feck, arse and semprini.

8) There is always room for Jell-o and there is always room for naked jell-o wrestling as long as Bill Cosby has nothing to do with it. Just to cover this once more, since I have in other blogs. If I had stolen my dads car like Theo did in one episode of the Cosby Show, I would have gotten a hell of a lot worse than just grounded, flayed alive and fed to ants is more like it. Stupid nuclear family B.S.

9) Good beers are rarely advertised but ass beers are everywhere. What does that tell you about the tastes of the average American?

10) The show Lock-up Raw has finally helped even the playing field for suburban kids that want to be gangsta but don't know enough about prison slang to be accepted by real thugs. Plus, finally my shank making skills can improve.

11) Last of all, television has taught me that if I concentrate hard enough, if I stare long enough, if I strain my mind to it's breaking point, I can delete all thought from my head for at least a half an hour at a time. I can have a brief respite from the rage and evil that wells up within me when I have to face the stupidity of the average Gump on the street. Then I see a commercial for Oxi Clean or Disorono on ice and the monster is right back in my throat.

Thanks for watching.

Hey Mr. Deejay just stop already.

Just a quick thought that has I need to get out there. I work in a warehouse. About 98% of the people I work with are male. Absolutely all of them are old enough to be out of high school. At our work we are aloud to listen to the radio. Okay, that out of the way, let me tell you of my sorrow. These people tend to only listen to two radio stations. Either the Nu-metal, jock rock station or the local tweenie, hip-hop/ top forty station. Being that I walk around this warehouse about a million times a day, I have no choice in radio stations and, I am serious here, it is always the same stations every day. My questions, feel free to answer if you like.
Is Metallica really still that popular? That's a big one for me. I grew up listening to a lot of metal and in the mid to late eighties they were pretty good but after the massive sell out into Gapfaggery, aren't they just washed up? I was never happy with them and that damned Black Album but the song Unforgiven two, they can stick that right back up the horses ass they pulled it from. I love Kill Em All, Ride the Lightening and it's ilk but now they are just sad and way too popular. Dethklok rocks way harder than they do now and Dethklok is a cartoon. Sad, pathetic, pathetisad.
Now I come to Pink. Ah the perky minx, her hair all mussed and her moles now seemingly non-existent. Boy, she is popular so popular that apparently some damn radio stations feel the need to play her newest song "So What" about a jillion times a day and make a remix just to change it up a little. Look, Pink is hot. She seems like the insane girl you had a crush on in high school but never made a move on because you heard a story about her burning an ex-boyfriends penis with a cigarette. Now, I hate her songs but not as much as I hate certain other pop diva music but I am seriously wondering how many more times I can hear that song in the background of my work before I jump in front of a forklift. Plus, no Pink. you are not a rock star, you are a pop star. It's different, so stop trying to blur the lines. Not taht they aren't overly blurred as it is. The fact that grown, working class men feel the need to listen to this is dumbfounding to me.
okay, parting thoughts about radio play.
If you like Linkin' Park, go pick up an old 311 album, not that they were that good either but far more bearable.
If you like Metallica's new album, go but Master of Puppets it is a far superior album with no retarded ballads that do not belong in a metal album.
If you are an Offspring fan, go buy early Pennywise. That way you can listen to the sweet sounds of copy write infringement.
If you are a Disturbed Fan, go stick your head up the ass of a gassy babboon, the sound is clearer and more melodic.
If you are a fan of Kid Rock, go find something really high and jump off of it.
I just hadda say that.

Bye