Answering a love question.

A Mr. Tobias Blanders sent me this question:

I heard how you helped Doug and Janice Phlegmmingway repair their rift in their relationship. It was heartworming to see the look in their farces when they told me they were going to put the ferris wheel back in the carnival. And that they would be running it together again, just like old times.Knowing that you are good at relationship advice, I have a question to ask.
I really like this girl from the movies but she always does the samestuff every time I watch the video. How can I get her to stop actingand be real with me? Also, how do you send flowers to people in the movies?

Thank ya kindly, Toby Blanders (Ringmaster of Toby B's Cinnamon & Bacon Cotton Candy wagon)

Well Mr. Blanders, your problem is not a new one, I have have suffered through such a relationship obstacle on several occassions. The woman you are in love with in the in the moving picture film, has been trapped there by the dark lord of the underworld. This melevolent creature lives in Hollywood, USA and holds thrall over several of todays hottest young celebrities. This wicked nether worldly imp trapped your fine young lady and placed her in a celluloid prison where she is doomed to repeat her role in the film over and over again. It is kind of like going to heaven or hell, if you were a good person and kind to others, when you are captured by the evil one, you may end up in a happy movie, if you were bad, however you may end up repeatedly being slaughtered by a chainsaw for all eternity. If you are really good I have heard that you end up in a collection of soft core pornography or as an extra in the Godfather. If you are really bad, you end up as the lead in a Paul Verhoven film. This, for some, is a blessing either way, being in film pergatory easily beats the average day af your normal johny on the street, so to some it could be the equivilent of Valhala. There is a trick to see if they are happy or not and that is to slow the film down and watch it frame by frame. They are usually trying to talk to you through the screen, the only way to tell for sure is to watch in slow motion. Make sure you have a pen and paper handy and be sure to write down what she says. She will eventually give you the name and address of her capture. Then you must go to him and kill him, this will set her free from the evil magic that traps her in the void. Do not worry about the evil one, or all the killing you have to do. They may look human, him and his minions but once their worldly body dies, they revert to the monsters they really are. When the police see it they will let you off scott free. I hope that answers your question Toby, good day and good luck.

P.S. As far as sending people in the movies flowers, you need to realize that they get many flowers from several varied admiring fans, So sending flowers may be passe. Instead, send very deep, heartfelt love letters, make sure you let them know that you would do anything to be with them, including but not exclusive to murder/suicide scenarios. At first they may shun your love letters but given time and persistence, they should eventually come around and realize that they can not live with out you.