Bombs, Buicks and Buckley.

Finally something to write about. Sorry folks, I have been feeling pretty good since my surgery and have been enjoying life, what with all the breathing, that I haven't been as pissed off as usual. But, if you know me, you know that won't last too long, so here I go again, just like David Coverdale when he had that former hotty Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of his car (that's right folks, I just made a Whitesnake reference). Anyway, back to the irritation. I just caught up on this news story about a man in Welch Township, Minnesota, who blew up a dump truck with one hundred pounds of Tannerite which he had purchased off the internet. He was then arrested and charged with three felonies and five lesser charges. Sounds pretty scary huh? A man blowing up a truck and endangering human life, what a terrible fellow. Yup, you could form a pretty horrible idea of this man and truly demonize him, especially in our media frenzy kinda world. Oh, but wait, there is a video. Yes, the man who set off this explosion, a Mr. Brian Wesley Childs, taped it. It is on his property you see. He invited friends over, placed the truck in the middle of a field, packed it with Tannerite and set it off with a .50 caliber slug. Now this would be a terrible idea inside city limits but, as you all know if you read regularly, I am from the insane state of Minnesota and I grew up in an area not unlike where the bomb was detonated. No one, other than the people that showed up to watch the bomb go off, were in any danger. Sure metal fell as far as a quarter mile away but that doesn't mean anything if no one was there. If a burning chunk of metal falls in the woods and no one is around to get hit by it, does it cause massive internal hemoraging? Answer that Confusious. This guy didn't do the smartest thing but he didn't do anything really illegal. You may legally purchase Tannerite on the internet because it comes in two parts and separated, these parts are non-explosive. You may legally own a rifle in Minnesota without telling the authorities you have it. Maybe setting off an explosion without a blasting permit but that is a gross misdemeanor at best. The fact is that they could feel the rattle in the windows at the local nuclear power plant, more than a mile away and it put them an alert. So, they make a call to the Feds and they come and do what they are paid to do, harass free people and make them stop doing things that make the people in power nervous. Speaking of people in power, I found a quote from the guy that runs the power plant and also alerted the Police. “We take all this type of abnormal — or suspicious — activity very seriously,”. That was from a Mr. Mike Wadley, VP of Excel Energies Nuke plant. Well Mr Wadley I am from a small town in the middle of Nowhere, Minnesota and I have been so bored before that any distraction, including seeing how long it took for your face to melt the frost on the kitchen window, was not just welcome, it was needed. And yes, I have exploded many things in my days o the farm. So for Mr. Wadley to say that his was "suspicious" or "abnormal', well he obviously grew up in a bigger city than Childs. Personally I think that the government just found a window of opportunity to make the Tannerite mixture illegal and they are going for it. Go ahead and Google earth this area and tell me who was in so much danger. Mr. Childs didn't commit any felonies he just did something that wasn't too bright and we can't put people in jail for being dumb. most of our country would be behind bars.

Ps. Whitesnake was the music that Bon Jovi and Winger fans listened to to get pumped up but it was usually too hardcore for Van Halen fans.

Fasterbation.

Okay everyone, I am sure if you read this you know that I am against almost everything that makes humankind tick but today I feel I have to let you all know about a great new self help program.
We all masturbate, it is a given that is attached to the deepest part of our monkey bretheren but, like everyone else in todays hectic world, sometimes we have trouble finding the time for even the briefest moments of self gratification. I know I do. So I was exstatic when I came across this book. It is by a writer by the name of L. Roy Filburt.In this book he teaches us to not only, truly and deeply love ourselves but also to do it with the efficiency of the German army, circa WWII.
The book is titled,"Fasterbation" and if you read it you will have the same insite into your body that I do now.
So, what is Fasterbation? Why it is masturbation for the busy person. How many times has it happened? You are in a public place, maybe at work or even on a date, when you suddenly feel urges rising. Well, in our uptight, non-monkey society, it would be rude to just start pounding one out at a supper table. So, we just sit there, sweating into our gin and tonics and praying that the moment will pass. Sadly this makes us, not just repressed and surly but also dangerous and angry. Humans need sexual release to feel clear headed but also to keep there body and mind and genitals in harmony with the world around them. There have been many times where I have felt the need but neglected it until my body went insane. Once, my crotch actually caught fire. No longer, however, not since I read the wisdom of Mr. Filburt.
In "Fasterbation", he will teach you, quick, efficient and all around secretive ways of masturbating in public without catching the eyes of religious naysayers and social "don't do that" police.. I don't want to give too much away, I really think buying the book is important. First, to support the writer and second, to show the public what a wide spread problem this is.
Chapter one,"Our bodies, our pockets, our selves", helps you to discover the importance of loose fittine, shear clothing but it doesn't stop there. For instance, in chapter five, "Hiding the shame stains", Mr. Filburt discusses how simple it can be to make an ordinary bar towel or paper napkin your own personal accomplice in the dark art of hidden self love.
Then I will skip ahead to chapter twelve, in which we all learn a valuable lesson about silk undergarments and high friction trousers. you will also learn how rubbing against homeless people on the trolley or subway is not just ignored but socially acceptable.
There is so many things we can learn from this man I hope you run out tomorrow and but his book. If you are anything like me, almost blind from horn rage and bleeding from the eyes because of those Victoria's Secret posters at the mall, then this is the book for you. Now if you are the kind of person that claims you never masturbate because you are in a committed relationship, or because it is a sin to touch yourself, then maybe you should take a looka the wisdom of Mr. Filburt who says," Shut up you loser, it's a natural thing to do, and to you pious, self absorbed pricks, you go to hell for lieing too".

Only the nose knows

Sorry I have been gone for a while. If you know me well, then you know I was laid up for a while because of surgery. Sinus surgery to be precise. You see a few years back I allowed a person to smash his fist into my nose a few dozen times until it stopped bothering me with all its annoying breathing. Now, so many years have passed and I think to myself,"Shoulda ducked tough guy". Yet, alas, duck I did not so I came out on the loosing side of a minor beating but, with a broken nose. Sure the old shnozolla has been busted before but this time it was different. This time it was broken on the inside and the outside, deep in my head things were not well. So fast forward to the 27th of December, I go into the ER because I just feel awful, really think I am dieing. I get the whole big check up thing and it turns out that I have a bunch of blockages in my head and behind them, an infection. I don't know how long this demon had been living in my face but the doc said it was probably quite some time. So, to shorten it up for you, they had to take out the blockages, suck out the infection and straighten out the inner walls of my nose. It took two weeks but I finally feel pretty normal and hearty again. I am slowly regaining my sense of smell and I think it will be a whole lot better than it was, plus I won't have that nagging infection poisoning my body anymore so it can finally get to looking after all those weird viruses. The one bad thing about this whole ordeal however, is this. I just realized I had a nose job. How Southern California pathetic is that?