Fasterbation.

Okay everyone, I am sure if you read this you know that I am against almost everything that makes humankind tick but today I feel I have to let you all know about a great new self help program.
We all masturbate, it is a given that is attached to the deepest part of our monkey bretheren but, like everyone else in todays hectic world, sometimes we have trouble finding the time for even the briefest moments of self gratification. I know I do. So I was exstatic when I came across this book. It is by a writer by the name of L. Roy Filburt.In this book he teaches us to not only, truly and deeply love ourselves but also to do it with the efficiency of the German army, circa WWII.
The book is titled,"Fasterbation" and if you read it you will have the same insite into your body that I do now.
So, what is Fasterbation? Why it is masturbation for the busy person. How many times has it happened? You are in a public place, maybe at work or even on a date, when you suddenly feel urges rising. Well, in our uptight, non-monkey society, it would be rude to just start pounding one out at a supper table. So, we just sit there, sweating into our gin and tonics and praying that the moment will pass. Sadly this makes us, not just repressed and surly but also dangerous and angry. Humans need sexual release to feel clear headed but also to keep there body and mind and genitals in harmony with the world around them. There have been many times where I have felt the need but neglected it until my body went insane. Once, my crotch actually caught fire. No longer, however, not since I read the wisdom of Mr. Filburt.
In "Fasterbation", he will teach you, quick, efficient and all around secretive ways of masturbating in public without catching the eyes of religious naysayers and social "don't do that" police.. I don't want to give too much away, I really think buying the book is important. First, to support the writer and second, to show the public what a wide spread problem this is.
Chapter one,"Our bodies, our pockets, our selves", helps you to discover the importance of loose fittine, shear clothing but it doesn't stop there. For instance, in chapter five, "Hiding the shame stains", Mr. Filburt discusses how simple it can be to make an ordinary bar towel or paper napkin your own personal accomplice in the dark art of hidden self love.
Then I will skip ahead to chapter twelve, in which we all learn a valuable lesson about silk undergarments and high friction trousers. you will also learn how rubbing against homeless people on the trolley or subway is not just ignored but socially acceptable.
There is so many things we can learn from this man I hope you run out tomorrow and but his book. If you are anything like me, almost blind from horn rage and bleeding from the eyes because of those Victoria's Secret posters at the mall, then this is the book for you. Now if you are the kind of person that claims you never masturbate because you are in a committed relationship, or because it is a sin to touch yourself, then maybe you should take a looka the wisdom of Mr. Filburt who says," Shut up you loser, it's a natural thing to do, and to you pious, self absorbed pricks, you go to hell for lieing too".