Thursday, May 29, 2008

A yes for guns and bees.

You know, it's odd but every time I see a horror movie ad, I can't help but think, "Those guys need a gun". I think about how the victims are so helpless and easily terrified. There is a commercial out for a movie called The Strangers and in the ad this guy opens his living room window and there is a guy outside in burlap mask, staring in at him. Now, if the guy had a gun he could have just slammed three rounds into the masked mans center of gravity and the other two bad guys would most likely flee. I mean, if I saw that out side my window I would get real killy, real fast. So what if it was only a friend playing joke on you, that just leaves you with one less dumb friend. I guess I am just ranting, because there wouldn't be much for horror movies if everyone had a fight or flight instinct that revolved heavily around viciously attacking your assailant with a ball peen hammer and a length of razor wire that is conveniently stored near your door. Most people also, do not have a big bag of sea salt near said door for when the razor wire is done doing its handy work. I guess most people also do not want to have a pet Dire Wolf named Hades that can breath fire and has a robotic scorpion tail. Well, that's what sets me apart from most regular people, I believe that having guns is a right and defending your family and loved ones from sadists and serial killers is what is truly important. Also, owning a swarm of remote controlled Central American Killer Bees that form a fence around my yard so that guy can't put those damn political fliers on my door knob, that is good too.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Sitcoms from another reality.

The other day I was thinking thoughts of a thoughtful nature. These thinkings dealt with the possibility of there being alternate realities. You have seen so many shows with them, like the StarTrek where being evil is somehow connected to having a goatee, which, for the record, I have. n another reality, you could be a different person. Maybe you would even be a different sex. Maybe a monkey, the possibilities are literally, endless. However, as usual, my thoughts began to stray towards television. I was pondering what TV would be like in the other realm. That is why I will now give you my ideas of what some hit sitcoms would be like in another reality.

In the late 80's there was a great grand stinker of a sitcom called "Full House". It was one of those wholesome, family shows that old people liked and non-free thinking youth enjoyed basically, the same fat masses that made Bush President and sent money to Falwell. It was a sugar coated lump of burning shit from hell, that made Bob Saggett a household name and Dave Colliet rich, him and his stupid impersonations, god he sucked. Well enough ranting, here is my vision for "Full House" from another reality. I will try to write this TV Guide style.

Full House, ABC, 7:30 EST... Tonight hilarity ensues when uncle Jessy is visited by the leader of the Children of God cult who teaches him that a game of patty cake with the girls can be, not just fun but erotic to boot. Won't Danny be mad when he finds out what has been going on behind the rockers closed doors? Then tragedy strikes when Joey, after years of struggling with obscurity, accidentally suffocates while masturbating in his closet with a plastic bag and a length of underwear elastic... Don't miss it.

The Cosby Show, NBC, 8:00 EST ... On a ground breaking Cosby we learn about an important bond between a man and his son when, after taking the family car without asking, Theo is repeatedly beaten about the face and neck by Cliff with a giant plastic pudding pop. The laughs just keep coming when Clair returns home for more of her personal belongings that she forgot after the divorce. Looks like Theo fell down the same stairs she used to huh Cliff?

All in the Family, CBS, 7:00 ... Archie wife swapping? With what couple? Could it be the Jefferson's? Tune in Thursday and find out.

I think that should do it, you can imagine that I am coming up with far worse stuff that I just can't seem to properly put to words. At any rate I just wanted to share that with you and let anyone that is reading this know. If you happen to be getting television channels from a parallel dimension, please let me know about it. Oh and the 700 Club is not from another dimension, sadly those idiots are from this reality only they choose not to live in it. Eat me Pat Robertson!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

my reoccurring nightmare.

Until I wrote that stuff about 80"s music, I didn't really think about this nightmare I have. It happens a couple times a year and it wakes me up with a heart pounding shock. It usually happens around late Summer to Fall, when the weather really starts to change and it goes like this.

I wake up from a dead sleep. Damn it, I already know I am late. I hurry to get dressed, search for food, no good, no food in sight. I burst through the door and run. It is snowing and very cold outside, the wind is smashing against my skin and it feels like a slap from a frozen, leather glove. In the distance I can see the waining lights of a bus. I am too late, I can not make it to school on time... That is when I wake up for real.

Like I said, I have this dream every year since I graduated from school. It wasn't that strange to me when I was in my twenties and pretty freshly out of the mind prison, known as public school. However now, I am in my mid-thirties. It has been over seventeen years since I left the doors of the childhood conformity machine behind me. So now it has really began to bother me that I have nightmares about missing my school bus. How deep of a trench did school leave on my psyche? If a non-conformist, semi-anarchistic, nihilist such as myself is so imprinted from that time in my life. What is it like for people with more classical mindsets? Am I to be forever imprinted, even in a minute way, to fear being late for the things so many fear being late for? Fact is that I never learned that much in school, sure I remember stuff that was pounded into my head year after year but that all amounts to a few state capitols and a couple Presidents. School was just so structured, slow and boring. I wanted to be out experiencing things and living, what they call "daydreaming", instead of crapping my youth away in a robot factory. So I stand by the thought that school is for stupid people and smart people just learn on their own. I escaped at every opportunity and My friends and I would go drink, play video games, try to pick up chicks, or just do nothing (acid) for hours, anything to not be in school. So I felt, for a time, that I beat that system but now, as I get older and the nightmares continue, I realize that the imprint is there. I have been forever scarred by the school system. Part of me will always believe that fitting in, being part of the crowd and being quiet is the only road to happiness. Well screw that. The next time I have one of these dreams, I will try to fold it over into another dream. "Oh no, I missed my bus", I will say. Then a flying Winnebago will land nearby and a beautiful and buxom woman will offer me a ride to school, if I want I can warm myself up in the hot tub fulla bitches, which is next to the pool. I will agree but say that I don't need to be at school today and tell them about a nice little island in the Boundary Waters that we should check out, where it is always warm and there is a high end wet bar. Hey, it's my dream after all.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Thoughts from the 80's

Sorry I have not been writing too much as of late my friends but my new job is very tiring. Ah yes, a steady job, the most vile poison to creativity one can be bitten by. On the bright side though, now I can afford more whiskey, which is the artists friend, so by and by this will balance itself out. I shall endeavor to write more often, which means more booze, YAY!!!

That being said, I can now tell you a thought I happened across in the vast wasteland that is my mind, while I was sitting down with a nice bottle of Scotch. I was perusing cable television offerings when I stumbled upon a show on one of the many Mtv's, it was called Metal Mania and let me just say wow. It was a showcase of videos from the 1980's, more precisely hairbands from the 80's. Truth be known, as a youth I considered much of this music to be not so bad, not great, but at least it wasn't New Kids on the Block or Tiffany. Now that I am older, I find that, as a novelty, the music is still not that bad. It was not, by any means, amazing but it wasn't the worst thing. well, Bon Jovi and Winger sucked but not as much as Def Leppard so that's a plus. A fun little game is to watch Ozzy Ossbourne now and then watch his vide0s from back then. You no longer see the cool, scary, parent bain you saw as a child, now you just see a frumpy, middle aged Brit with a kleenex full of dog mess singin' Bark at the Moon. How's that for a tribute to Randy Rhodes? The song "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White made me realize a vast difference between popular music then and now. That song is absolutely full of innuendos, so full in fact, that it should be called "Once Bitten, Twice Shy (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)". Popular music now has no suggestion or innuendo, bands just say what they were thinking while they were writing their crappy songs, I am sad, I am angry, touch my penis, show me your ass. That is a great way to talk if you are a ninety year old, ex-marine with alzheimers (I will leave this word misspelled if only for the humorous irony that I forgot how to spell it) but not a good way to write songs.
I also discovered that I learned more about world history from Iron Maiden than from my actual teachers. It would have been awesome to have a class taught by Bruce Dickenson. He could sing the important points that you had to know for the test and you would still recall them perfectly, even now, so many years after you have left the mind crushing walls of public school behind.
I believe that the 80's was the only musical decade that you would hear the phrase "Dude I just wrote this amazing synthesizer solo", or, "Hey, which one of you guys used both bottles of my Aquanet?". I never noticed until the other day that all of the 80's synth players, only play with one arm. Don't believe me? check for yourself, "The Final Countdown" by Europe and Bon Jovi's "Run Away" are two great examples of this. There is so much more I could talk about but it is best if you discover it all for yourself. Call your local cable company and demand that they stop playing current crap and start playing some old crap and find out for yourself.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

A really tough question.

I love getting questions from readers and difficult questions are even better.

Doug from Los Angeles, CA. Has sent me this doozy.

"In reading your blog it has become clear to me that you are a big fan of movies and music. You can learn a lot about someone from their taste in entertainment. So my question to you is this. What are your favorite music moments in film?"

Wow, such a good question, were to begin? First I will warn you that these are in no particular order, I will just write this and see what falls outta my head. Second, all media is fair game, movies, cartoons and television. That out of the way, here I go.
The first thing that pops up is the two big musical moments in Zoolander, the gasoline fight and the part in the mine where Zoolander poses to "Workin' for the weekend". Wham and Loverboy using their cheesy, crappiness to make us chuckle.
Of course the full score of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly but especially the big final stare down, absolute shivers from that scene. Thank you Sergio Leone. The Magnificent Seven is another western with a fantastic score but no real stand out scenes.
The opening of score of Hellraiser is simple but really good. So is the opening of the made for TV miniseries of The Stand, where they plat Blue Oyster Cult's, Don't Fear The Reaper as they pan the camera over all the dead bodies.
There is a little known movie called Thrashin' and the hero of the film escapes some guys on his skateboard to Wild in the Streets by The Circle Jerks. Not a great film but I love that song. The flick Repo Man is just an all around good movie full of good music and if you haven't seen it you should.
Reservior Dogs, Stuck in the Middle With You, enough said. Let's face it Terantino has had a few great music moments in his films.
There are so many great music moment on film, I could go on forever but i will stop on my all time favorite. It was one moment that I remember from my childhood and I hold it near to my heart to this day. It is the episode of Bugs Bunny called "Rabbit of Seville" and it is by far my favorite musical film moment. If you see the screen below you, click play and enjoy.

I hope that answers your question a little bit Doug, thanks for writing.