'Til death do us part?

So I have recently been besieged by people wondering when I am gonna get married. I just want to put this out there for everyone. Why is it so damn important to get marriaged? Maybe I am weird, in fact, I can damn well guarantee that I am but I am very good at seeing perspectives and ideals of other people, yet this marriage thing, the older I get, the less I get it. Sure when I was nineteen, living in a small town and worried that I would never find love as pure as the psycho hell bitch I was with at the time, I thought marriage was a good idea. Get hitched, pop out a couple a brats, accidentally shoot myself in the throat while while watching Austrian mongoose porn and masturbating with a handgun to my face, you know, the small town American dream. Now, many years later I find it absurd. Why get married? Is it a religious thing? I have read the bible, a few of them and I gotta say that there is no real definitive "get married or else" clause that I can find. It says a lot about not being an adulterer but, since adultery is for the married, the unmarried can't really commit it. Not a loop hole the pro marriage folks like to dwell on. The bible does say this though and I just like to write it out for you.

"You have heard that the law of Moses says, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye , even if it is your good eye, causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand, even if it is your stronger hand, causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Thank you King James Bible for that image. I always wondered why there were all those eyes and hands laying in the parking lot of my local, neighborhood strip club. So if it isn't purely religious, how about political? The government seems to be pretty keen on all of us finding our one and only and staying with that person, even after we decide that we hate the very flesh their blood ozzes through like bile through a cold sieve, just because we don't want to lose half our stuff. Really though, it seems that the government boosts marriage for another reason, taxes and children. If you are single and owe someone money, dieing pretty much stops that in its tracks, sure the people you once owed can harass your kin folk but good luck squeezing a dime out of them. Yet a spouse, they can be squeezed nasty, anaconda on the scrotum style. If you once owed, they will pay what you owed. Nothing like getting a bill for grieving. Then You have children. Apperantly being married makes it more likely that you will have kids. I don't know who came up with that idea but I can say, with tempered certainty, that they have never been to a McD's in North East Minneapolis around wellfare check day. Eight thousand screaming children and two women, both on cell phones, both ignoring said kids and, of course, talking to eachother via said phones. Get a recruiter in there today and you have your Army of tomorrow, all with out one single diamond band or " I take thee".

Which comes to another of the many things that bug me about marriage...weddings. What a waste of money, resources and time these things are. An average wedding costs about ten thousand bucks in this country, so for every Justice of the Piece wedding that costs about a grand max. There are weddings that are getting up to the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Wow, that much money to prove that you love someone, I always thought the bast way to show someone that you care was to not eviscerate them with a sharpened Weeble-Wobble but I guess to each their own. And forbid that you get a religious wedding, you have to rent a tux, a church, a limo and a priest. That's another strange thing about weddings, you rent a church for them. If the church feels that marriage is so important, why don't they do all that crap for free? Also, if adultery is so wrong, why do bridesmaids always show so much more cleavage than the brides? It's like saying to the poor groom," Look at all these tits, they are forbidden now, you will be with the tits that hide 'neith the lacy death throw, forever" (insert evil, Vincent Priceian laugh here)

So why is marriage so important to people? I guess it is this simple. For hundreds of years it has been beaten into our heads that we need to live life like everyone else has since the dawn of history. Well I say, screw those guys, they're dead, I am not, yet. So see how all that worked out for them. Suckers.

Oh yeah, in answer to when I am getting married, I say PPPffffffftttttttt!