more weird street people

Okay, I don't know what freak is brainwashing the youth of San Diego but I think we have a full blown street cult in this town. I keep on seeing these mumbling geeks in the city but lately they have been appearing in droves. A few months ago I wrote about a guy named Billy who would walk around and tell you how cool god was and how being abstinent, sober, and basically denying every human urge, was cool. Then about a month ago, I bumped into a group of five of them, Four guys and a girl and where as Billy angered me, these five made me extremely aggravated with a surge of good old American blood lust mixed in. Well, tonight I was standing at the bar door as I so often do when, low and behold, a group of about fifteen of these guys and girls came by. Freakshow man, they looked like granola kids but they were mumbling about Jesus and telling us how "he is real" and " he has risen", it was Mormons on acid, just wandering in a pack and mumbling. The strange thing was that when they got close to me I could feel a tangible urge to shred them to bite sized morsels and throw them to the dogs. These guys really peeked my ire, it was the vile evil rage i only feel when put in a close proximity to the truly mindless. Hari Krishnas would have thought these guys were messed up. I can not describe the vacancy in their eyes, it was an obvious case of mental and physical malnourishment, that one only gets from a cult. What those kids need is some protein and a couple margaritas and they would be right as rain. Now many people will say that I have it out for religion but that is not true, I believe that if religion makes you happy, by all means do it. The people I have it out for are the filthy rat bastards that use religion to control people and the organizations that harbor them. I can handle religion, it is blind stupidity that burns my nuts to cinders and gives me a wicked mean on. In my book, if you can't think for yourself, your brain privileges should be revoked. See also, Jonestown, Heavens Gate, David Koresh, Etc, Etc, ad nausium infinitum.... Now I am gonna try and go on vacation.

On vacation

No posts this week people I am gonna stumble around Northern California and drink various alcoholic beverages. I will be back next week wit more capers.

On the topic of Lindsey Lohan

Okay, this will be short and to the point. With all the news about our so called "young Hollywood" crowd getting into trouble, IE. Paris, Nichole, now Lindsey Lohan goes into rehab again, not just for a DUI but also for having cocaine in her pocket, get this, when she went to the police station! That is after she chased her ex-assistants mother around the city in Lohan's SUV. That girl has problems, alcoholism, drug addiction and now it would seem that she is somewhat psychotic. Now it finally makes sense why I think she is kind of hot. I have always harbored a deep, dark love for crazy chicks and when I see a young starlet go on this kind of rampage well, it just makes me go all silly with dirty lustings. Just look at her latest arrest photo to see what I mean. A bit disheveled hair, but not crazy like Nick Nolte, lips pouting and not stiff and mean like Paris Hilton. Then her eyes, glazed over and innocent, as if she is trying to say,"It wasn't me, it was the other Lindsey, the bad Lindsey". How appropriate that she should be in a movie were she is a psycho living a double life. I just hope this isn't a publicity stunt, I hope she is that wacked out, keep the fantasy alive. You can read speculations about these problems being the end of her career in Hollywood, which we all can understand, if there is one thing the people of LA won't stand for it is beautiful young women partying and taking illegal drugs but it wouldn't spell the end of her movie career, it would just force her into a different genre of films, "Nudey Slasher flicks". Sounds like a viable career choice to me, hell, I will start working on the script, can't be hard, put enough boobs in anything and you really don't need dialog or plot points, it should be a doddle.

Super Powers Vs. True Love.

I can't possibly be the only guy on the planet that is getting a little annoyed with the huge impact the whole "true love", thing has on my super heroes these days. Just look at Spider-man. Sure he was in love with MJ in the comic book, I mean, after the Goblin killed Gwen that is. Still, even though he was in love, it was a side plot to his life, which was more about his dark thoughts and his past and all that blah. Super-man too, sure he had that crush on Lois but before his crush, he had things to do, he's Superman after all. It is the movies that really turned the super hero soppy. All the mushy, love whining in these films is enough to make your brain pop. Superman the movie, everyone remembers when Lois is killed in that earthquake and a screaming Superman flies around the planet so fast that he reverses the spin of the planet and thereby, time itself. Remember if you reverse the spin of a planet, it will reverse time and not hurl everyone off of the planet at 7000 miles per hour. Yes that was a ridiculous concept but even more ridiculous was the idea that old Supe would find the time to fall in love and then, defy physics to regain his loss, pure silliness. then there is Spidey, one of my all time favorites but what do they do to him in the movie? They turn him as wet as a duck sandwich at the bottom of a lake, So moist you could was your car with his face. Peter Parker always had demons but I never would have believed that he was such a sill ass crybaby that he is in the movie. Then you get to the "part two curse", as in Superman II and Spider-man II, in which our hero gives up his powers so he can be with the woman he loves, Batman even considered hanging it up for Catwoman in "Returns", preposterous! I don't know everything about human nature but I can say this for a fact. If any man I know was given the choice between true love and super powers, the powers win, hands down, every time. True love is a concept from fairy tales, it's definitely not what guys have on their minds, super powers or a 1970 Dodge Challenger in mint, factory condition, now that is a hard option. Super powers or love, no brainer. Not to mention you would probably have a super powered libido to match everything else. A relationship would just ruin your night. "Where have you been all night, does it really take you that long to fly to Italy, stop a terrorist attack and then fly back? I hope you weren't pitching woo at some hairy European whore while I slaved away on your supper, which is cold now, thank you very much!". No one wants to spend the night listening to that after they save the planet from super villains and robot armies. No no no no, there is no place for love in these super hero scenarios and that's a fact. Just more Hollywood shlock, written to get women in the seats and money in the bank. Super heroes are just men with extraordinary powers and, for men, life isn't about quality, it's about quantity. That being said I think it's time Hollywood takes notice and gives us a hero we can relate to, like Captain Sexfist and his Super car Bitch Hunter.

Velocobums: American street carnivores

I am becoming disturbed by a trend in sidewalk bummery as of late. It is not the fact that so many people are homeless in the cities, I don't tend to care enough about people to worry about them. Beside the fact that living in the woods would be much preferable to living in the city, that is just my opinion though. What worries me is the recent upswing in urban areas of overweight bums. I have always been perfectly comfortable around the "old school" skinny bums. They would ask for some spare change and you might say no, kick them or just pelt them with quarters till they bled and it was all fun and games for you and the family. Now, however, I have been seeing bigger, more threatening bums on the streets. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong enough fellow, why I could probably beat up three, maybe four regular bums, five if you gave me a pipe, on any given day but these big ones, I don't know, probably be able to pipe down two and that's on a good day. They just seem stronger than usual to me. At first I attributed this strength to the fact that they could be eating more due to the fact that they eat more because they get more money. Many times bums will not ask for spare change but four or five dollars, I can't imagine they would continue this ploy unless it was paying off but the math just didn't add up. Even on decent money they couldn't eat well and still afford to purchase the liver solidifying amounts of chemical toxins they need to function on a daily basis. Then one day on the bus through North Park, I saw something that horrified me but brought it all into perspective. What I saw was a bum that I had seen many times before, I couldn't forget him because of his unforgettable nose bridge, I am talking about a nose that could stop a run away semi on a mountain pass. The last time I had seen him however, he was a small man, maybe 140 pounds, now he was monsterous, massive, fat as hell. He must have weighed somewhere in the 300 range and the most horrifying thing of all was not his size but his coat. The last time I had seen him, his coat was a solid three waist length zip up number but now, now it was a sickening mosaic of many different patches and colors. His enormous girth was hidden inside this smelly patchwork, making him look like Joseph from the bibles evil other worldly doppelganger. That is when it dawned on me, "How could he gain so much weight so fast and still patch his ever expanding jacket?" I thought. Unless he has been...eating the other bums. I finally understood what was going on, why the normal bums were disappearing and the bigger ones were becoming more an more common. The big ones were assimilating the weak and small into their systems, like fat, stinky Borg. So why is this a problem for us, the people with homes and jobs? Don't you see? The number of homeless is finite and these "uber-bums" will eventually need to find another source of nutrition, so, if we don't do something fast, we could be next on their dinner menu. Now I know that the credit, finance and banking industries are trying really hard to keep our planets ecosystem full of food for these beasts but they can't do it alone. So, if you want this world to survive you better start running up those credit cards. Why not a twenty year mortgage? Who wants a new Humvie? Common people, let's get those bills at a maximum. Sure it'll mean that some of us will eventually be eaten by a fat homeless man in a jacket made of nylon and corpse skin but that is a small price to pay for the continuation of the human race, isn't it?

I love over-reactive people.

It is gay pride week in San Diego and, what I have always thought funny about pride festivals is that they not only bring out several thousand people that equate pride with dressing like a crazy clown at a bondage party. They also bring out the extreme of the extreme religious right. I would now like to transcript an actual conversation I had with a man of the cloth at a Starbucks in downtown San Diego. I will be Me and the other guy will be MOC. First I will set the tempo of the conversation by saying that MOC's words were completely unsolicited, I was minding my own business and drawing a cartoon in my sketch pad at the time. A group of rather flamboyant fellows had just ordered several de-caf, non-fat, sugar free drinks, which I thought kind of defeated the purpose of ordering a mocha all together. At one point or another, two of the men kissed, the disgusted "Ugh" from nearby told me I could be in for a fun conversation, so I prepared, I am so glad I did.

MOC: (looking for anyone else disgusted by the man kiss, I made eye contact) Can you believe that?
Me: Yes, I can, I saw it, so I can definately believe it, fathoming it is something else but believing definitely.
MOC: Disgusting, wasn't it?
Me; Absolutely, I mean why would you pay Starbucks prices for a drink that is basically just hot milk? Freaks!
MOC: (slightly worried) No I mean those men, doing what they were doing, unnatural.
Me: What do you mean?
MOC: They were gays.
Me: No?! ( I might add that the beauty of overly pious people is their inability to pick up on sarcasm)
MOC: Didn't you see them kissing? Men don't kiss like that.
Me: Really? How do men kiss then?
MOC: Men aren't supposed to kiss!
Me: Maybe they were related, I had an uncle who used to kiss me goodnight all the time when I was young... He's in jail now.
( I know you may be thinking that this couldn't go passed this comment, I thought it was the killer too but this guy was strict zealot and had no sense of humor what so ever, to my shock and happiness the confab continued)
MOC: No young man those were gays, sinning right before gods eyes.
Me: God goes to Starbucks (look around)
MOC: God is everywhere.
Me: Really, that must be tiring, so are you a priest or something?
MOC: I am a minister with the Baptist church, I came to down here for the pride parade.
Me: So are you gay then?
MOC: (instantly angry and red in the face) NO, I am here to protest the parade!!! These people should not be flaunting their perverse sex habits in front of our kids! Men having sex with men is a sin!
Me: Oh, yeah, I am sorry, it's just in this day and age, you never know, you know? I am really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I know what you mean, I am disgusted by men having sex with each other, it makes me sick.
MOC: (settling down, thinks he is making a friend) That's good, too many youths are not offended by gays like they should be.
Me: No sir, not me I can't stand guy on guy stuff, now you give me some woman on woman action, that's my style. That is hot shit. Really gets me goin' if you know what I mean...Hot, hot hot. Maybe some oil, or coconut milk, and two maybe three hot ass chicas...
MOC: ( frustrated and mad again, stands up) No , that is a sin too!
Me: No, I have read the bible before. Man on man is a sin, I know that but I am pretty sure woman on woman is okay as long as a man is in the room, I think it's on of the Psalms.
MOC: ( very angry, still standing) They are all going to hell and you are going too, this is no joke. You will burn in hell with all of those faggots. The devil will take you all all the faggots, all the dykes!!!
Me: And the Jews, don't forget the Jews.
( Now I would just like to point out , that ever since I was a child, I have always felt that, making a holy man lose his temper was good but, if you could get them to curse at you, that was golden. Now, I don't like to censor myself but since my family reads this, I will bleep the expletives, so as not to give my mom a crap attack but it went a little something like this)

MOC: F**K you you faggot lover, F**K you, you are gonna go to hell where you belong, I hope you think about this day and how I warned you when you are being tortured and burned... You F**king faggot lover, enjoy your eternity in hell!!!
Me: Well if thats were all the hot girl on girl action is gonna go, I'll be there with bells on. Sure would beat an eternity sitting on a cloud listening to you pious assholes diddle your harps.

He thought he should add something else, which ended up being the middle finger and, as fast as he had entered it, he exited my life.

Strange Inspiration.

In looking for inspiration for my writing I have found that my best topics come, not from the newspaper or the television but from just good old walking around. Today, for example, I was on the way to my local street side produce store to purchase a couple grapefruit, when I noticed a thirtyish Asian woman walking toward me. When she looked up and noticed me she did a little stutter step and a quick look around, as if she was looking for an escape route. Finding no obvious area to run away, she knuckled under and walked by, as far from me as she reasonably could. As she went passed me I said," Good morning", she gave no response and just skittered by, Once behind me, however, she did something really odd, she ran to her car, hopped in and drove away. This I heard, i thought she might just be a crazy person, suffering from a bout of agoraphobia or massive paranoia and I didn't want to make it worse for her, plus I had already done that with the smile and saying good morning. Nothing drives a nutter over the edge faster than unwarranted politeness. Well I didn't want her strangeness to ruin my morning ritual of eating fresh fruit so I continued on. As I hit the market street and turned towards my sojourns end. I spied three women of a non-white nature at the door of the local hair braiding establishment, once again I thought maybe they were gawking at me and getting nervous because I am a good size white guy in an area of town dominated by people who look nothing like me, the average skin tone in my neighborhood leaning more toward the burnt umber than the ashen or alabaster. However, as I passed their door, they went inside and closed up behind them until I had gone. I thought this was really getting weird, then it hit me. In the last couple of months my neighborhood has had a few break-ins and shootings and many of these have been done by white fellows. Then, just yesterday, a man was shot and killed during a home invasion just blocks from my house. That was my missing link, the killer is still on the loose and the people around here are nervous and scared...of the whites! The white killer is still at large, maybe in our neighborhood, he strikes in the day time, not in the night like a proper robber. Now, I have often felt bad, or been told I should feel bad, about the fact that I have trouble telling people of another race, unless they really stand out or I have gotten to know them, apart from each other. I don't know why I was told that this was wrong I just was. It makes sense to me that, if you grow up around one race of people all your young life, that, as you get into a more racially diverse area, you would not recognize the differences in skin tone, eye shape, ETC., as readily as someone who had grown up there. The killer was listed as 5 feet 6 inches tall, spiky brown hair, slim build, no facial hair and white. I am 6 feet tall, I have a shaved head, am definitely not of slim build and at this point in time have a four day growth of beard. The only thing we have in common is our skin color. Yet, with all the crime in recent months, people do not see me as a writer or comedian, they see me only as whitey. "Oh Ethel did you see who just moved in next door? White as rice they were, there goes the neighborhood. "

On the topic of the NFL.

So what is wrong with the NFL these days? We seem to have gotten passed the Ray Lewis and Rae Carruth murder trials. We are over and done with Mark Chumra and his, so called, teenage lover. However, these stories were just about sexual misdeeds and murder, what gets me about the NFL lately is all the robbery, drug sales and gambling that has been in the news over the last three years. Now, Micheal Vick is up on charges that he was a centerpiece in a nation wide dog fighting ring for the purpose of gambling. Let me say this, Vick makes a lot of money, he makes so much money in fact, that if he stopped playing football and decided to live on simple meager means for the rest of his life, he could buy several small Caribbean islands, put mansions on them and still have food and women flown to him daily from exotic ports of call and he would not run out of cash. It seems that this is not enough for many of our newer pro athletes, they crave more money, more power and they do ridiculously stupid things to get it. Last year there were several NFL related drug deal arrests and a few robberies. I am not a rich man and I would probably do something illegal rather than face total destitution and homelessness, as I would expect many of us would. Now put me in a multi-million dollar situation a large home, an endless supply of cashito and a big pool full of petite bitches (you knew I would go there) and I will be as contented as a cow. Happy to just wile away my days in the sun, drinking island drinks of all sorts and lazily dreaming about my Filipino cabana girls. No crimes committed, no jail time warranted just a good day with my friends Rum, Pineapple and Carcinogenic Melinoma. The idea that Pro athletes need more than their talent can bring them is just modern day stupidity. Now if Vick is actually a part of the ring of dog fighters, well I say chuck him in a kennel with his dogs and see how long he can fight them off, I will even take bets on that one. Of course there is always some good old idiocy in the NFL and I saw a good one from former Minnesota Viking and now former Miami Dolphin, Dante Culpepper. He had been trying, to no avail to be let loose from his Dolphins contract after they benched him in favor of Former Kansas City QB Trent Green. Culpepper was released from his contract, afterwards he spoke to the press. This is a quote. " As I was going through this process I heard about a qoute by Gandhi that best expresses my thoughts about this victory: 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win'," Nice use of a quote there Dante, with a couple of exceptions. Gandhi was the leader of the Indian Independence Movement and touted the resistance of tyranny through civil disobedience, where you are a injury prone, over paid quarterback that has lost his ability to scramble from the pocket and is not much of a threat without at least one talented deep receiver. Gandhi was using his standing and power to front the Quit India Movement, to release India from the grasp of the British empire, You just don't want to be benched. You know, I wouldn't mind sitting on my ass, watching football and still making mad, fat greenbacks in the process. I definitely wouldn't consider it tyranny at any rate or equate it thusly. It just goes to prove that a you gotta be careful when quoting. Knowledge can be easily tainted when placed in the hands of the poorly educated.

Hey Mr. Douchebag

Tonight at the bar next door to me, I got to see the worlds biggest idiot, douchebag. An older fellow, maybe 43 or 45, he was wearing an expensive watch and an equally expensive woman. He had, in his earlobes, not the tough looking metallic, surgical steel earrings that are so often equated with tough guys or Mr Clean look-a-likes but, instead he wore a pair of diamond studs in his ears. Now, far be it from me to talk fashion sense but any man with those earrings in his head deserves to be hunted down and eaten by genetically enhanced pack rats. I watched him as he flaunted his cash, a move that should also get any man who does it mugged and sodomized by a gibbon of above average strength. The thing about Mr. Douchebag, that bugs me so, is the fact that our planet is full of these fat vag packs that think money gives them power. Granted in the working world or the world of the high roller, playboy, perhaps these people do have power but on the streets of any city, USA on any given night, with no real entourage or retinue to back them up, they don't seem to realized that they are just meat. A fatty helping of soft, non-calloused tissue that the monetarily poor, yet physically dominant would just consider an inconvenience to be swatted around before being devoured. These so called men make my blood boil so hot that I sometimes thing it is going to bubble out of my eyes, when I am confronted by one of them I want nothing more than to see them suffer and scream as one thousand junkies slowly devour them using nothing more than a plastic spork and some HP brown sauce. People will say that I am jealous of what these guys have and that is why they anger me so but that could not be further from the truth. I revile them because they believe the measure of a man is money, not wisdom, not intellect, not even strength but money a piece of paper that only has value because someone at the Fed tells you it does. This is why I long for a day when the world market breaks down and people like Mr. Douchebag are forced to live without their trust fund money. Oh how many will die? Most of them I should think and I couldn't be more pleased about it. I will get rope that day and lash the bloating carcases of the newly dead, Douchey rich together and float my ship of fools out to sea,which is where i will sink it, in order to start a lobster farm and, in two years time, i will open my lobster restaurant, Eat the Rich...Expensive sea food at reasonable prices.

Go d must hate a lat of people this week.

So this week already, a church has been struck by lightening, the San Diego Arch Diocese has settled five hundred sex abuse cases to the tune of six hundred million dollars and a teen girl has fallen off of a float during a Life of Light religious parade and died. In each news report, including the one about the dirty diddlers, the phrase, "The lord works in mysterious ways" came up. So explain to me, was God acting in a mysterious fashion when he allowed FIVE HUNDRED CHILDREN to be fondled and sodomized by their priests? Also, I would be curious to know the mystery behind allowing his church to cover up the molestation and lock it away for so many years. There was obviously records of these misdeeds in the archives, otherwise, I am sure, a multi-million dollar settlement would not have come so fast. Was that a mysterious act of God, did the omnipotent one realize that these kids would one day need 1.1 million dollars so letting them be raped by an old man in a cloak seamed like it balanced out in the long run? Five hundred kids and that is just in California. Is it me or does that seem like one hell of a lot of molestation? All of these religious figures should be up against a wall and not for a nice, quick firing squad but I am thinking a good, old fashioned stoning, a biblical finish to a "holy" life. If their religion is the right one I will gladly spend my eternity in hell, it would beat hanging around with a bunch of buggering saints til the end of time. As to the other two stories, first. Why is it every time someone dies people say God called them to his side? I know that as mortal beings with a finite life span, we fear death but, can you really rationalize every accident as an act of God? Not really leaving anything to chance it sounds like to me. I will also say, God doesn't long for the company of teenagers, no one but other teenagers like to be around teenagers, they are even to old for dirty priests to rape. As for the lightening striking a church, that is no act of God, that is a natural occurrence of lightening, you know, the whole metal objects, high up in the air, that kind of thing. Now, having the foresight and brains to attach a ground to your holy lightening rod, that would be a true act of God, what with the thinking for yourself and all that. I said act of God by the way, thinking for yourself is rarely the act of the church.

I got a gut feeling, a creepy gut, feeling.

So the head, Chief, big babboo, of Home Land Security, Michael Chertoff, made a statement that he had a "gut feeling", that we are about to head into a heightened state of national security. He went on to say that "I believe we are entering a period this summer of increased risk," and "Summertime seems to be appealing to them," as well as talking about the fact that there is, "not of a specific threat, but of increased vulnerability,". This is the head of Homeland Security people, he isn't supposed to have "gut feelings", or even good ideas about things, a security agency should deal in facts, not fantasy. I swear it feels like they are gloating about something. "We could easily be attacked," Chertoff added. "The intent to attack us remains as strong as it was on Sept. 10, 2001.", another zinger from Chertoff. If we can be attacked as easily now as in 2001, I guess I gotta ask, What exactly is your organization doing? Didn't we already have the F.B.I., C.I.A., N.S.A. and all those other various and sundry black ops organizations that our country built up during the cold war? If all those guys before them didn't do any good and now the new guys are failing, why are we wasting tax payers money to fund failure? How can you base the future of our nations security on a hunch? I don't get it, that's like me basing an all in, high stakes poker hand on the fact that I ate a bad burrito and I am gassy. Our government is using playground politics and it's deciding our future. On a playground even the most poorly educated, unintelligent, gawky buffoons could be picked for a game, even before the talented, or athletic kids just because the knew the captain idiot. Our current state of affairs seems to be about the same to me. Gut feelings and hunches only really count in low stakes situations or in loose cannon cop movies. When you are dealing with all this homeland security stuff, I, personally would prefer that they deal with information, reality and, god forbid, actual facts. I just wanted to bitch about that, thank you.

Damn I hate people!

My friend Sara sends me this article about a gang of women that rape schoolgirls. Check out http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=5657 if you don't believe me. What the hell is wrong with our planet? This goes so far beyond the book of Revelations, this is just messed up all together. It really goes to show you that there are just too many screwed up people on this planet and we are dealing with them very poorly as a society. We have one hope and that is to beat the hell out of them with sticks until they either start acting like human beings again or simply die and get stuck into a land fill somewhere. I feel this way about all rapists, molesters, serial killers, politicians, you name the evil doer, I'll get the iron wood cudgel and together we can dispense some good old frontier style punishment. Really, I am serious, this world is messed up and we are doing nothing to curb it. I hear people saying that therapy is necessary because many of these freaks were molested themselves when the were young. Okay, well then let's go find their molester and put the boots to him/her as well, I don't want to discriminate here, I want to bloody up the skulls of several, not just one or two. While we are at it, I may have to take a stick to some of the anti-physical punishment junkies in this country, if we still lived in a society that didn't frown on hitting people so much, this would be a much better place to live in. Not hurting people gives them no respect for pain and that makes them dangerous. It is easy to hurt someone if you don't know how bad it hurts, it's a lot harder if the boots have gotten to you in your life and you understand what getting your ass royally kicked entails. Look what we do with rapists and child molesters in this country. We put them in little cells and try to tell them what they did wrong and why they shouldn't do that. What I think we should do is gut stab them and throw them in shark heavy waters, that is a problem answered and how.

Legalize it.

First of all I am no pot head, sure I enjoy Frisbee golf and video games but I am not high when I play them. I have, of course, had my past run ins with marijuana but I never really found it to my liking. I wasn't ever a real drug guy, always felt that booze was more my tastes. That being said, I am going to have to go on the record as saying that I want marijuana legalized. Not just because then we would make hemp growing legal and hemp is one of the most versatile plants known to man. Not because of many of my smoker friends that I worry will one day be put into prison on some trumped up charge over a harmless form of foliage. Not, I say, not even because of the fact that the pot industry could revitalize our failing national economy. Yes all of these reasons are valid but I have something more important in mind. I want pot to be legalized so I can open a four story high pot and hash bar/store, the proceeds of which would be used to make me filthy, stinking, pig rich. That is right, I want to monopolize a large, downtown area, maybe in Portland and use MJ to make perverse amounts of cash. Pot is a gateway drug of course and that gateway is thirteen feet high, twenty five feet wide and has the name "Bjorklund" on the front in silver and gold lettering. Behind that gateway is a lawn, plush, thick, green, like the money that was raised through the selling of so called narcotics, which are also green. Follow the lawn to the edge of a patio, a patio that is attached to a nice little, non-assuming, two story colonial made from the tusks of one thousand elephants and the skeleton of a slain titan. With a platinum and ivory shingle pattern, which would be a blinding affront to all the gods of Olympus, ( I don't mind pissing off those wussy Greek gods). The spine of the house narrows until ends in the gaping jaws of Cerberus's three severed heads. These heads drool the blood of all the souls of hell from their putrid mouths and, as the blood flows it turns to the purest water which fills the one hundred yard twenty foot deep swimming pool. Who is in that swimming pool? I bet you can guess. That's right, my bitches, the sexiest ones, hand picked from every country except France, we don't need hair clogging my drains. So come on ladies and gents, legalize it, you can help make the dreams of a poor old megalomaniac from Minnesota come true and I think that is reason enough.

Our new national mascot.

I just heard that the Bald Eagle has been taken off of the endangered species list and I gotta say, well, darn it, that makes me so happy. The numbers finally went up and I am tickled pink about it. Finally we can drop that ridiculous bird as our national mascot. Come on, it doesn't fit in at all really anyway. Our country needs a new mascot and since we chose new Wonders of the World, why not a new mascot? I always did like the Turkey, as did Thomas Jefferson but many people thought it wasn't noble enough for our homeland. I suspect many people just preferred the idea of eating turkey at thanksgiving over eagle, I don't know why, I would love to eat eagle it just has to be better than loon and I love loon. i think some people thought the turkey was too slow or stupid but if you have ever hunted wild turkey you would know better. They are wily bastards and no question. Hunting eagle is simple, tape dynamite to a fish and just wait. Eagles are stupid and would attack a burning, explosive fish. So what I was thinking was that we could drop the whole Bald Eagle motif and go to a suiting and stereotypically American animal for our new national mascot. First off it would have to be something that is scared easily, a bit paranoid, maybe a church mouse. That won't work because they are quiet and this is a loud country so a loud animal is in order. How about a rutting buffalo? Can't get much more American than a buffalo with an erection now can you? Yes, I suppose you could, buffaloes are notoriously passive and we are a really fighty bunch in this country, a badger is a mean little bugger, so that might work. OH damn, badgers are only territorial and don't go outside their area looking for fights. That gives us Panda Bears, they will walk for hundreds of miles to start a fight with another panda bear but they are Asian in origin so they really only represent a small percentage of our country, we need something more encompassing. We need a mascot for our country that says it all about us. We need an animal that sums up our country nice and tight. You know what would be a good mascot? An angry chimpanzee with a coke habit and an almost sexual desire to huck feces at people as he passed and he would be in a car with an older guy that drove him around the country and they could get into all kinds of trouble but they always get away with what they do because the older guy knows a ton of rich people. That's it our new country mascot is....B.J. and the Bear on crack. If you look hard at our current administration I bet you could even find some decent models for our new flag.

On the subject of "Devil music".

I know this is an ancient topic but I was just thinking about it and I felt I needed to put it to bed. When I was a tiny, greasy, be-pimpled teen I, like many of my friends, listened to what in the Mid-West was referred to as " Devil Music". Anthrax, Megadeth, Flotsam and Jetsam, M.O.D., S.O.D.(Storm Troopers of Death and not that more recent band of the same initials), many others, I will include Metallica but only pre-Black Album and that is barely even counting , And Justice for All, which I felt was the downfall of an already mediocre metal band on it's downward slide. For a metal band to achieve such a household acceptance means only one thing, not selling out as much as just becoming wuss music, a GAP band, pure radio play list filler but, back in the day they were still considered "evil". If you are wondering why I am skipping Slayer, that is because out of all the bands I listened to, they were the ones that were most likely and truly, wicked evil. Then you had the Hardcore bands of the 80's and 90's with there insightful, anti-establishment, anti-authoritarian messages, they weren't considered "Devil music", is a much that they just scared people who had the false idea that they had some authority. In that vein they were added to the realm of evil music. Well one day I came home and my sister and my mom had gone into my room and thrown out all my tapes and albums (yes this was pre-CD era) that they thought were evil. This happened to several of my friends, an organized parental strike on our music. "That music makes you into devil worshipers", they would scream. We were told how the music would turn our thoughts dark, some of it would inspire us to fight, some of it would give us an unholy urge to have sex outside of wedlock (the phrase "wedlock" probably being one of the first things that tipped me off to the fact that marriage is more a trap than a beautiful arrangement between two people but I'll write about that later). Of course no one mentioned to anyone that we were teenagers and with all the hormones running through our bodies, if we didn't want to fight something, we more than likely were considering the logistics of having sex with it. The funny thing is that everyone of the parents left behind one album which made the irony bogey men stand up and creep into my head. The album that was left behind was Led Zeppelins, Houses of the Holy. Why is that ironic? Simple, Led Zeppelin was founded by guitarist Jimmy Page in the early 70's after his split from the The Yardbirds. I asked why many parents spared Houses of the Holy, I was told because it seemed like that band had no evil lyrics and their seemingly religious pictures didn't seem like something bad. That is the good part. Jimmy page, you see, owns one of the worlds largest collections of Crwleyana, which are things once belonging to Ming the Merciless lookalike and all around creepy satanist Aleister Crowley at one time Page even owned and lived in Crowley's Boleskine House, which is said to hold an alter to the devil and everything. Drug use was also considered evil in those days and the sad humor in my mom burning my Minor Threat albums, who were a straight edge band and letting me keep Houses, after Page had admitted that he used so many drugs in the 70's that he could barely remember the decade. That was what I was thinking about, it is just kind of funny, that full grown adults, even to this day just do what they are told to do by religious leaders or government "officials", instead of reading the lyrics to what the were burning. Now no one really talks about Devil Music and we live in a world full of it. Repetitive, mind numbing, simplicity, we are saturated with it and it makes us slow witted and wholey uninteresting. The face of the devil is in the faces of boy bands and all the Christina's and Brittney"s of our world, take heed, burn the evil ones and sell there breast implants on e-bay. Bye.

I never thought of this till a bit ago.

Everyone has most likely seen or at least, heard of Gilligan's Island. You know the story, those people lost at sea during a storm, then getting stuck on that island. every episode they would try to escape but they never quite made it. People would always blame Gilligan, they would yell and abuse him with various head gear, it always seemed unfair to me but I could never get exactly why. Recently, however, I had a thought. What if it wasn't all Gilligan's fault, what if he was just a patsy? Think about it, who had the most to lose from leaving that island. Mr. and Mrs. Howl wanted to escape and get back to their millions. The Skipper and Gilligan wanted to escape to reclaim their fading charter business before the bank seized it. Ginger needed to get back to Hollywood with her looks still intact and Marian, she had to get back to continue giving Daisy Duke lessons on how to cut jeans into shorts. That leaves only one person, the Professor! Oh you sly dog you Mr. Professor, I know what you were up to. You accidentally landed on a tropical island with two beautiful women, a geriatric millionaire couple, a large homosexual sea captain and a good old American moron. You had hit it big and you knew you just had to bide your time and everything would be coming up Professor. You knew that those two ladies would get an itch and, being the only potential sexually acceptable male on the island, sooner or later you would get to scratch it. Suddenly you found yourself in a torrid affair with not one but two lonely shipwrecked women, finally feeling vindicated for all those long, lonely, sexless nights in your college dormitory, sweating just a little bit as you fantasized about a half dressed Barbara Eden granting you a wish that involved more whipped cream and chocolate syrup than you'd ever care to admit. I will admit, he had us all duped, I used to really believe that he was trying to get them off the island but now that I think of it, how hard is it to patch a boat? If you can make exercise equipment out of a bunch of coconuts and some bamboo, if you can find a way to build a functioning shower and hot water heater, if you can use leaves to fashion a two way radio, then you must be able to put something over a hole. It is just that simple and covering holes is one of the most rudimentary of human skills, from making tiger traps to putting on pants, human beings have been covering holes for thousands of years. Let's face it Professor, you got lucky, you crashed onto an island with two hot to trot young ladies, that, just like the others on the island, were too stupid to realize that you were giving them all the shaft (Marty you may put you pun here). I applaud and deplore you Professor, to me you are my hero and my devil. You used those people to fulfill your lusts and that I am okay with. What really bugs me about you is all those brains, all those inventions and you never once though that you should probably fashion some kind of tropical plant birth control device. Now you are on the island with you twelve offspring, two rich corpses, a happy and open gay couple and two angry, fat wives serves you right you fool, serves you right.

Brief thoughts on Scooter Libby.

Okay George W. commuted Scooter Libby's sentence, making his upcoming jail time vanish. Our Pres has stated that he felt 30 months was a bit excessive and I tend to agree with him, come on the guy only committed "two counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice in a grand jury investigation, and one of the two counts of making false statements to federal investigators." I am pretty sure that none of those things are any more than regular, every day misdemeanors...Oh wait, they are felonies, damn. Whoops, I didn't realize that, maybe Scoot does deserve some jail time after all. At least he will have to pay that 250,000 dollar fine, that should teach him a lesson. Now, if Libby was a high payed lawyer for many years that raked in millions upon millions of dollars in tax payers money because he had an abusively high government salary, that would be a different story. A guy like that wouldn't really worry too much about a 250G fine I suppose, glad that's not the case here...Oh damn it, that's exactly the case here, damn, damn, damn. Okay no jail time for Scooter and the fine isn't as bad as you would think, if you look at it from his monetary perspective but at least you can be sure that he will feel a slight sting knowing he has two years of probation hanging over his head, unless the Pres decides to pardon him all together but that wouldn't happen, not in our country, with it's fair and impartial legal system....Wait, what is this quote that I just found? "President Bush said Tuesday he wouldn't rule out a pardon for former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, after sparing him a 30-month prison sentence on Monday." ........DAMN!!!!!!!

I guess the moral here is: If you work in a democratic system of government and you screw up, the people will forgive you and allow you a second chance, even if your screw up conflicted the identity and safety of an operative with national security. It's the people who run the government in a democracy and the President serves our will. It's not as if Libby can be pardoned by the White House and the people will have no say in the matter at all, that wouldn't be a Democracy at all, that would be more like a Monarchy or Dictatorship, glad that's not the case...