Velocobums: American street carnivores

I am becoming disturbed by a trend in sidewalk bummery as of late. It is not the fact that so many people are homeless in the cities, I don't tend to care enough about people to worry about them. Beside the fact that living in the woods would be much preferable to living in the city, that is just my opinion though. What worries me is the recent upswing in urban areas of overweight bums. I have always been perfectly comfortable around the "old school" skinny bums. They would ask for some spare change and you might say no, kick them or just pelt them with quarters till they bled and it was all fun and games for you and the family. Now, however, I have been seeing bigger, more threatening bums on the streets. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong enough fellow, why I could probably beat up three, maybe four regular bums, five if you gave me a pipe, on any given day but these big ones, I don't know, probably be able to pipe down two and that's on a good day. They just seem stronger than usual to me. At first I attributed this strength to the fact that they could be eating more due to the fact that they eat more because they get more money. Many times bums will not ask for spare change but four or five dollars, I can't imagine they would continue this ploy unless it was paying off but the math just didn't add up. Even on decent money they couldn't eat well and still afford to purchase the liver solidifying amounts of chemical toxins they need to function on a daily basis. Then one day on the bus through North Park, I saw something that horrified me but brought it all into perspective. What I saw was a bum that I had seen many times before, I couldn't forget him because of his unforgettable nose bridge, I am talking about a nose that could stop a run away semi on a mountain pass. The last time I had seen him however, he was a small man, maybe 140 pounds, now he was monsterous, massive, fat as hell. He must have weighed somewhere in the 300 range and the most horrifying thing of all was not his size but his coat. The last time I had seen him, his coat was a solid three waist length zip up number but now, now it was a sickening mosaic of many different patches and colors. His enormous girth was hidden inside this smelly patchwork, making him look like Joseph from the bibles evil other worldly doppelganger. That is when it dawned on me, "How could he gain so much weight so fast and still patch his ever expanding jacket?" I thought. Unless he has been...eating the other bums. I finally understood what was going on, why the normal bums were disappearing and the bigger ones were becoming more an more common. The big ones were assimilating the weak and small into their systems, like fat, stinky Borg. So why is this a problem for us, the people with homes and jobs? Don't you see? The number of homeless is finite and these "uber-bums" will eventually need to find another source of nutrition, so, if we don't do something fast, we could be next on their dinner menu. Now I know that the credit, finance and banking industries are trying really hard to keep our planets ecosystem full of food for these beasts but they can't do it alone. So, if you want this world to survive you better start running up those credit cards. Why not a twenty year mortgage? Who wants a new Humvie? Common people, let's get those bills at a maximum. Sure it'll mean that some of us will eventually be eaten by a fat homeless man in a jacket made of nylon and corpse skin but that is a small price to pay for the continuation of the human race, isn't it?