Finally back to basics.

So the election is finally over and, love the out come or hate it, at least I won't have to hear about how hot Sarah Palin is for a while. Seriously, being crowned Miss Wasilla is the equivalent of being crowned Miss Sever Burn Ward. That aside, I can finally get back to writing about things that are truly close to my heart. Therefor I give you...

Joe Bjorklunds favorite Poop and fart references as well as my favorite dirty joke punchlines.

Please try to hold your applause until the end of the world as we know it.


Farting in public, for some odd reason, can be very embarassing to some people. I am not one to be embarassed by my butt gasses, however, I find being suave after letting one rip is kind of difficult. One way to save face and look like a hero in the eyes of lesser mortals is, after letting a loud one depart from betwixt flexxed cheeks, is to say "Whoa, theres the whistle, better get the luggage to the depot before the train gets in". This of course implies that you are sufferring from feces farts and must poop soon lest the gas become unbearable. This is a good tactic because it brings farting and talking about your bowel movement in public. This racks up the social taboo points and makes you look pretty cool, even to the most anti- poop conservative. Other good phrases to use in this situation are " There's the starting gun and Turtlehead is infront by a nose". You could also go with " The French horn is signaling the start of my first movement", this is to be used in very posh situations, obviously.

I was down here all night eating hot buttered corn. One of my favorite dirty joke punchlines. The joke in and of itself is not so good but the punchline has a certain special something.

Now back to poop.

If you have ever been attacked by one of those people that can't stop showing people pictures of their damned offspring, you know the guy or girl. They lurk around at your job, waiting for people to mention children and God help you once you do. A flip book of fat, ugly and bewildered by the camera flash children is suddenly forced upon you and since killing this person with a mallet and a well placed Snickers bar is illegal and will not only cost you your jobs but, send you off to the slammer where a convict named Big Meaty McAssrammer will tell you some of his favorite anecdotes about sodomy, you choose to drop the candy bar, take a deep breath and regret ever being born. Well, now there is a way out. Go home, sit down and begin consuming fiber like there was no tomorrow. After the fifth bag of oats you devour, go drink yourself a huge bucket of prune juice. Then wait. When nature takes its horrible sphincter ripping course, don't flush the by product of your intestines battle with wicker, instead, get some photos. Lots of photos, take a picture of your massive poo in the bathtub, get some shots in a crib, hell get a picture or two of you colon sculpture kissing grandma. The point is get pictures. Then all you have to do is place them in your wallet and wait. Wait until that asshat brings up his kiddie pics and then, break out yours. If the horror of seeing a giant bowel movement taking a bubble bath doesn't end their constant annoyances, I am confident that the picture labeled "Babies first spagetti dinner", will fix them and how.

Well, i was gonna tel more punchlines but I am tired and thinking about getting some vacation snaps of a turd in a onesie. So, good night gentle readers.