An open letter to that guy that was driving across America with his cat.

I know he will probably never even read this but I just gotta get it off my chest. You asked me for directions when I walked passed your Winnebago. I told you how to get to the 5 North. You couldn't just get into your vehicle and go though could you? You had to talk, you just had to tell me what you were doing. " I am driving across the country, trying to see all the major cities." You continued to tell me about things I didn't care about and I continued to try to employ a discreet way of telling you that you should be getting on your way. I understand that you are probably lonely and really happy to tell someone about your adventures but did it have to be me? Surely there must have been a road side cafe just brimming with bored vagabonds, all in desperate need to share their stories but no, you had to tell me. Finally I had to tell you that I was in a rush to get home because the muffins needed to come out of the fridge before they got to cold and you got back into your Winni and drove away. That is when I saw the cat. His face was pressed against your rear window, claws extended on the screen, a scene that looked to me like a cat being crucified. You weird bastard, what kind of freak drives around the country with a cat? Cats aren't good traveling companions, cats are sedentary animals, they are territorial animals, they are predators not van buddies. There is also the fact that your Winnebago was only a half sized, not a full. So where did you put the litter box? It doesn't really matter anyway because in a van that size, no matter where it was it was still within ten feet of you, which I think of as unsanitary. What about the cat, what if it needed to make while you were on the road? I don't know about you but I would have trouble pooping into a box while traveling down the highway at 65 MPH and I am good at pooping, years of beer and fatty foods made sure of that. Now a dog I could understand, dogs are good traveling companions. They sit in one place while you drive. They can protect you, unlike a cat who would just watch you get beaten to death and robbed and then probably see if you were edible. A dogs toilet is the great out doors and, instead of driving all over the world with a box of fetid feces, you could just take your dog for a walk and then simply drive away from it's pile of animal filth. You are a weird person Mr. Winnebago and I don't like you. Like most men, I don't trust cat people, I think they have a sick animal poop fetish and they creep me out. I hope you drive into the harbor and are smote from the world of man. That is not because you creep me out but because you bored me and boredom makes the evil thoughts come out.I just wanted to say all that stuff, it was irking me a bit. Of course and this is just a side note. What would the best cross country companion be? Why, a sex robot silly, don't forget to call your congress man. Let's get a sexbot bill on the ballot by 2008.

UFOs, guns and rural America.

So I was at my computer watching some. "shocking and amazing", videos, I should say that they were described as shocking and amazing but in all reality they were boring and repetitive. There was one interesting video though, it was a UFO slowly flying above the tree line, slightly out of focus as usual. What was so interesting about this video? I know it sounds like every UFO video you have seen in your life. The interesting thing about this one was that you could see that one of the guys who was watching the object had a hunting rifle over his shoulder. That got me to thinking, most UFO sightings happen in rural America. Rural America is absolutely saturated with projectile weaponry. I can not think of a farm I have ever seen that was not kitted out in rifles, shotguns and hand guns in both high and low calibers. I knew a farmer that owned a .50 caliber rifle and had armor piercing rounds, when asked why, he would respond,"just in case.". I always though, "in case of what, an armor plated bear is trying to steal your tractor from a mile and a half away?" That all being said, my question is. Why has no one ever shot down one of these UFOs? They are always hanging around, flying above tree lines, creeping out the hunters but what do the hunters do, shoot at them? No, they pull out a camera and try to capture them on tape or film. Every time you see an interview with a UFO spotter they will say that at one time it was right above their heads,"counta ben mor'n fifty feet oer ma' head". I know these people are thinking that a picture will be worth some "vittle" money but I guess they don't realize how much the actual husk of the UFO would be worth, even though it may be bullet riddled and slightly on fire. Farmers and hunters really can't use a camera well but boy those guys can shoot. All they would have to do is damage the ships propulsion drive, once that is broken and the ship can't escape quickly, bringing it down should be academic. I should note that once it's down, you will want to cover the exits and probably shoot anything that exits the ship. You don't need an alien running amok in the woods around your farm, taking his anger over his downed craft out on your family and livestock, smashing your barn door and turning your cattle all kinds of inside out. Plus, an alien body is even bigger moolah, maybe a guest shot on Letterman or Springer to boot. I am just tired of blurry video and stories about abduction, you have weaponry, use it. Come on America, fire your guns wildly in the air anytime a shadow is cast above your head. Sure you might accidentally kill a wild bird or a hang glider but you may be saving our planet from a scout craft that could be the harbinger of an interstellar assault on our resource rich planet. Now put down those cameras and pick up some guns.

The Trial of Chemical Ali

So a jury has decided to have Chemical Ali, the man responsible for many Kurdish deaths in the Mid-East, sent to his death. I have no doubt that he deserves to die, people who try to commit genocide should be put to death. I feel the same about people who try to commit meocide which is trying to wipe me off the face of the planet, I don't like that at all. I would not take the side of a mass murderer, no matter what but, I do want to ask one thing. Didn't anyone see the warning signs here? After all, naming a kid Chemical, that is kinda tying his hands early, isn't it? His parents could have named him Leroy or Phillip but no, they had to go and be different,"Let's name our baby Chemical, won't that be a cool name for a kid?". Of course he was destined to grow up a little out of whack. I mean, if you had a kid and named it Child Fondler Brett, do you think he would get a fair shake through life? "There goes little Arson Anderson, you know Martha, I jut don't trust that kid". I am not supporting Ali in any way, I am just saying that his parents made a bad decision with the naming of their son. What did they think, that he was gonna become a doctor? Maybe if the chose a name like Pediatrist or Gynocologist Ali but, with a name like Chemical you knew he was just gonna end up on the wrong side of a jury box. Oh well, now he is gonna get killed and there is not a lot anyone could or would want to do about it. I bet his parents are wishing they could take it back and call him CPA Ali like granny had suggested.

Banks, Part Three, mor on why I hate them

Okay this is gonna be the last thing I write about banks for a while but I just need to say a little more, so you can get an even bigger picture of why I hate them. First off, one word, Overdraft. What is so hard about simply making a computer that tells the cashier that you can't afford something right now? It might be a tad embarrassing at the time but it won't kick you in the pocket as hard in the long run. I have been told that for a computer to do this simple task, would be nearly impossible. I don't know much about computers but I know a ton about bullshit and that is two scoops of plump, juicy bullshit in your breakfast bullshit flakes. Once again though, managing your money properly is counter productive to what a bank is trying to do, which is fleece, swindle and shaft you out of as much of your hard earned money as they can get away with before you catch on and burn the whole lot of them to the ground. But Joe, what would we do without banks? You may be trying to ask me, maybe that's just the disembodied voices again but they sound like you and that is an easy question to answer. We would go back to a system of hard currency, metal, paper...ETC., and we would be all the better off for it. Face it, giving someone else control of your money is insane. You work for it and then give someone who has no respect for your work, nor understands how hard you worked for it, all of it. Face it a bank is just like having an undeserving, lay about, thieving spouse. You work for it, they spend it and no matter how hard you work, you can't get ahead because they just keep stealing from your wallet before you get up in the morning. The worst part is they digitize your money and that just makes it that much easier to steal from you. If you have cash and it goes missing, it is obvious that it is gone and there is a good chance that you can track it down to it's source. Digital highway robbery is much different. Your money goes missing all the time, into little hidden fees and various misunderstood expenses and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. YOu could fight the Sheriff of Nottingham face to face when he came for your gold but it would have been a much different story if Prince John could have just downloaded his share of your tuppence straight to his vault. That is a huge reason for all the digital payment and online bill pay garbage, yes it is convenient, sure it is easy but, above all, it gets your fingers off of the hard currency, knocks you out of touch with your cash and distances you from the reality of what real money feels like. That is a great way to rob you blind because it is oh so easy to take what a person never realized they had. I am sorry, this has been a very serious blog and I was ranting pretty hard, so, in conclusion I would just like to say scrotum. Bye.

Further banking woes.

Well, covered float pretty well on my last blog and now I want to say a few words about a little thing called "spending limits". Let us say that I have six hundred dollars in cash, in my pocket. I go to the store with said cash and fill up a cart with many items that I wish to buy. When I get to the cashier, it turns out that I have six hundred dollars worth of things in my cart. I purchase them and walk away. How did I do this? Well, I had six hundred dollars in cash in my pocket. That six hundred was my spending limit and I used it. Now let's say you have six hundred dollars in the bank and no cash in your pocket but other than that, the cart is the same, six hundred dollars worth of stuff. You try to use your bank card and, what? You can't buy all the stuff because you have a preset spending limit. This spending limit crap is one of the biggest chunks of idiocy that the banks squeeze out and we swallow it all like a hypoglycemic coprofiliac that just woke up in chocolate covered scat factory. Some how we just let banks do it. they get away with giving us spending limits, sometimes a third of what we have in the bank and we let them. Why do they do it? If asked, they will tell you it is to protect you from becoming overdrawn or it is a theft protection so you do not get defrauded out of all your money. That is hooey, a big fat truckload of grade A, One hundred percent, home grown, American hooey. the reason banks have spending limits is this. They make money off of the money you have in your bank account, whether you know it or not. Banks have a constantly revolving loan to interest system revolving around in their circuitry and they need to have certain amount of money in reserve at all time to cover their loans and debts. That is what spending limits do. You can't have all of your money because they need it to make money. I hope that the idea of some giant corporation making their money off of your money pisses you off as much as it does me. That is why I love cash, I know my spending limit with cash, it is what ever I have got on me and maybe, if I find a dead body with a briefcase full of money on its wrist and that bodies wrist just happens to fall off, I guess what ever is in the case is my new spending limit. Screw banks,let's go back to using sea shells and pretty feathers as money. No wait, never mind, the last thing I need is some rich snob of a sea gull lording his wealth over me.

Now, about those banks.

I am really happy to say nasty things about the banking system in this country. Most of us have used a bank and for each and every person who has been a banking customer, those people have been screwed by their bank. So what are the obvious problems with banks? Let's analyze these first. The first thing that really irks me about banks is the matter of financial float. When you swipe your card at an ATM or a convenience store, it takes mere seconds, on the slow end and I am talking about a dial up connection in the Swiss Alps that is being transmitted to the bank hub in Ice Station Zebra off the southern tip of Chile. In no time at all the purchase info has been transmitted. So why does it take sometimes take two or three weeks to come out of your account? Banks tell you that they let the transaction "float" as a way to protect your money, just in case it was a fraudulent use of your money. Some times they actually tell you that it took that long for the transaction to reach your bank. I say, however, that they are using this load of crap to screw you. In a digital age there is no room for float, it is an abomination of technology and it should not exist but, being a linear and slow witted group of monkey shaped beasts, who would be a hell of a lot happier if we could just keep track of our own bananas, we believe what they tell us. First of all, let's say I communicate via lightening and I want to tell my friend something but he is 2000 miles away from me, what do I do? Oh did I forget to tell you that we are directly connected to each other by a super conductive filament that is linked directly into our brain stems? Well, the second I think something to him, he will get that message about .25 seconds later. Quick and easy, that is what the global information network is like and it works that fast, if by some odd chance a transaction did get lost in the mix, it could easily be tracked down in minutes. It works the same with fraud, "I wasn't in Switzerland five minutes ago." you would say. "Give us proof." the banker will retort. " I am in front of you right now and I am not in a red super hero suit with little yellow lightening bolts on its temples." you may say back and if that isn't a rock solid argument, nothing is (for fans of golden age comic books, I will add that the person in that last scenario was also not wearing a tin helmet with lightening bolts on its temples, nor were there any bolts on his shoes, also he wasn't wearing a toga, that would be a dead give away). So why do they really let things float for so long? Because they are hoping that you, like so many other Americans, let them balance your money for them. If you keep track of it with really good records and all that saving your receipt garbage, then you can probably argue your way out of an overdraft charge. If you let the bank keep track, you will get overdrawn and they will use that as an excuse to stick it to you like a you a plastered prom queen, passed out pantyless by the pool. Banks want your money and they will use every trick in the bankers book to get it. I am not getting down on the people who work at the banks, I am saying that the entire system is corrupt and greedy, just like all business in a Capitalism, which is what we are in. If you have any delusions that we live in a Democracy you should really get out of your house and look around once and a while.
Tomorrow: More fun with banks, Yay I am going on a tirade. WEEEEEEEE

On the subject of the barter system.

Really, two ideas from an older society, that just aren't given the respect that they deserve. I am no hippie and don't agree with communal living, unless it's me living in a communal society of hot women with sponge bath fetishes. One thing that communes did right, however, was bartering. Even our ancestors from across the pond and into the new world bartered for things, trading goods, such as game, or vegetables, for services, such as carpentry, or prostitution." Will you build me a fence in trade for these chickens?", a man would say to a carpenter, to wit the carpenter would reply something like,"Hell, if you throw in fifteen minutes alone with that mother pig, I'll finish your whole damn barn.". it was that simple, people with a viable skill or trade or people with particularly sexy family members, livestock, or vegetables, were considered rich among the other folk that didn't have much to offer society. It was these average folk, that started the whole idea of a monetary system. Think about it, who are the most inept people on the planet when it comes to basic survival? The monetarily rich, that's who. If we flipped over to a barter system right now, these people would crumble to dust faster than someone who chose the wrong grail. Most wealthy people in America are wealthy because they can manipulate the monetary system, or it is manipulated for them, not because they worked hard or are extra talented. Maybe for a while they could survive as prostitutes but that is a hard life for a former wealthy person, especially when your pimp comes and takes 90% of your chickens. The best part about the barter system is that there is no way to tax it. How many nails did you put into a persons dock against how many pounds of fish they handed you in return, please send the IRS two nails and 10.2 ounces of small mouth bass. What is the federal interest rate on poultry? We are at the brink of living in a world that only cares about money, in twenty years we will be forced into a global economy that is wholey controlled by the bank. Our own Federal Reserve(which is not Federal in any way shape or form) chairman has already been spouting about how our market must be global for the future of the country, which is retarded, everyone knows that expansion just makes more poor people for the banks to soak and control. The statistics won't change, 10% of the people will still control 90% of the money. In a new barter system world we could topple the economic super structure in a hail storm of livestock, foraged foods and poorly built shelving units.

The drivers Ten Commandments.

So, when my bro wrote me and asked me to take a look at the recently printed drivers Ten Commandments that has just been released by the Vatican, I thought,"you gotta be rippin' me". Rippin' me he was not, in fact I found that that goofy old holy Roman church, actually did release a list of ten driving commandments. Now far be it from me to say you should be wary of anything that comes from the hallowed halls of the Vatican, i was not raised a Catholic and therefore don't know a lot about them or their teachings. I was not sure if they could be trusted with the delicate laws of driver etiquette. Granted, from what I have learned in the history books, the Catholic church is rather tenacious with their ideals. The Crusades, the various inquisitions, all those times that they forced their beliefs on others, well, you just gotta admire them for their stick-to-ativeness. To really get to the bottom of these commandments I had to talk to someone who knew these people better than myself. I have a few friends who were raised in this church, so, to get perspective, I asked them, between their suicide attempts, fits of hysteria and prayers to help them end their lifelong struggle with the temptations of auto-erotic asphyxiation, if they could help me to decipher these new driving guidelines. Once the spittle, blood and semen had been washed away and they had said a few thousand Hiel Marys, the reading of the commandments could begin, they are...

The “Drivers’ Ten Commandments,” from the Vatican
1. You shall not kill. (This seams simple but it is not. Murder is a sin in the eyes of the church but it says nothing here about letting the car do the dirty work for you, in fact we all agreed that this is put in place to show people that drivers are weak but cars, like the biblical lord, can be vengeful and deadly and you should fear their wrath).

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.(What? Well as it points out the road is the flesh and if you are driving really fast and take communion off of it, you will not be mortally harmed).

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.(When someone blindsides you at 80 miles an hour in a drunken haze, thank him or her for the gift of awareness).

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.(This is obvious, since it has never been the catholic way, to take advantage of the weakened, feeble, injured or elderly. What made them one of the largest land owners in the world? Charity.)

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.( We believe that this has something to do with male genitalia and BMW ownership but it could be Mercedes Benz as well, perhaps Porsche).

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.(To much of that there blood of your lord and you could may just crash your car. Communion and driving don't mix).

7. Support the families of accident victims.(Use sticks, crutches, plaster, anything you can find to support them).

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.( Ah yes nothing as pure as forgiving the guy, who, when hitting your car at 80 miles an hour, took from you your family and your dog. yes forgive him til it hurts, use an iron wood stick, that'll make him feel forgiven, right up side his head).

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.(If you are in a semi and you see someone in a VW bug about to get into an accident, feel free to ram them off the road, then drive on with a clear conscience).

10. Feel responsible toward others.( Okay, I have nothing for this one, it is just plain stupid. How the hell can I feel responsible toward someone? that doesn't make any sense at all. It is even bad grammar, they are telling you to feel responsible at someone, not for someone. That is stupid).

Well, that is it, the run down of the Ten Commandments of driving but that is only a transcription. The original stone tablets that they were written on were smashed to powder on the hood of a gold colored 1974 Cadillac Eldorado with an absolutely amazing set of bull horns on the hood. Apparently the guy that was trying to talk about the new commandments got jealous when attention turned away from the pope mobile and onto this other, more luxurious automobile.

Others have it worse.

A phrase, I have noticed, we get suckered into using more than we need to is that whole, "other people in this world are worse off than us", crap.Why do people continue to use this as an argument for the deteriorating state of our standard of living? Of course other people have it worse than we do, that is why we are us and they are them. That phraseology is something you probably thought came from your mom when she would try to make you eat food that did not agree with you. In actuality it comes from the government, media, and the banks. They are the ones who let you know how bad other people have it in the world so you feel that you can't complain about your own miserable existence. Well, I foe one, don't really care if people are worse off than me, That is the way life is, it's unfair. There are plenty of people in this world that are doing way better than me, I see them all the time, when I see them having a bad day I really don't think they are looking at me saying, well he has it worse. Hell, if someone kicks me in the nuts so hard that it swells to the size of a melon, should I not roll around on the ground and whine about the groin pain, just because a guy just down the road got both of his nuts pulverized in a tractor trailer hitch? I don't care about him, my nuts are my current worry, besides, it's not my fault he was born with a ball smashing fetish, that is of no concern to me. The simple fact is this, if you allow yourself to accept your own withering life style just because some people in another country don't have any food, then you are just causing more of a problem for your own country and your family. Now, if you change things here and you make your standard of living better and that effects your area and everyone else's standard of living increases, maybe then you could take some of that excess pocket money you would have and buy those starving people some food. The fact is that you can not make the world a better place by starving your own family.

I need one of those healing flashbacks.

I have been kind of absorbed into action films lately and have identified a commonality that I think could be beneficial to our society. I am talking about the 'Super Healing Flashback'. Call it a gimmick used by directors who don't want to show you how long it actually takes for a bullet hole or a stab wound to heal. Call it whatever you want. I'm gonna call it an idea that has reached it's prime. With the recent difficulties we Americans are having with health care, with it becoming so economically unavailable, we have to start looking to alternate health sources. the Super Healing Flashback works, you just have to know how to do it properly. Today I am going to tell you the secret Hollywood and the medical industry, don't want you to know.
The only things you need to perform the flashback are, yourself, of course, a dark or poorly lit corner to lean into and a traumatic memory that you can look back at. Now the setting does help you heal so, dirty your face up a bit if you can and if you aren't sweating from your pain, by all means, dab some water on your face to simulate sweat. Next, lean against the wall and try to look at the part of your body that is effected by your illness or injury, you may need to use a mirror for this and for the sake of ambiance, try to use a shard of a pre-broken mirror. Now cover the painful area with your hand, grit your teeth and suck air through them and slowly slide down to a sitting position, whimper a little bit and cringe. You are ready, at this point, for the flash back. Think about the tragedy you have set aside for this particular occasion and allow it to come to you, montages are okay but for best results a simple strobe effect is the way to go. After only one, maybe two minutes, you will feel the healing pass over you, your bleeding, the pain, the inoperable cancer, they all will have gone away and you can hop up and continue on with your day. A warning for you though, when you get up, you may feel the need for revenge, this is normal and will pass. This is a daring new way to cure the sick and infirmed and you can do it yourself. Don't be fooled by the doctors that try to tell you that, you need a medically approved corner, or you must use broken mirror parts that come from some expensive broken mirror distribution company. You can do this yourself, in your own basement or back alley. You have been lied to enough, now let the healing begin.
This exercise is not meant to be done while holding firearms or explosives of any kind, the object here is to get healthy and not to go blow away the guy who ran over your cat when you were ten.

It really makes you think, doesn't it?

It really makes you think, that is a phrase a lot of people have been using lately. They talk about the war, or a school shooting, any kind of tragedy either large or small and some one will say, in a sighing tone,"It really makes you think, doesn't it?". This phrase is now on my list of stupid things people seem to be programmed to say. Listen, if something has to make you think you my already be too far gone, mentally, to really be a part of the civil population. i am a thinking person, every time I go anywhere, I am thinking. I think about all the bad things that happen to people, I think about the possibility of any of these things happening to me. I even tend to wonder what the odds are that a chunk of asteroid will make it's way through our atmosphere and plummet through my skull at 2000 feet per second. I sometimes check the skyline for snipers on various rooftops. I also tend to wonder why that guy coming toward me has his hand in his jacket, or why those two guys seem to be splitting off around me, instead of staying together on the street. It doesn't take a mass tragedy for me to think about how many bad things happen to people every day all over the world, I have an active brain and a wild imagination, so I walk the street just thinking. Some people will tell me I am paranoid but that is not the case. Many people on our planet just walk around in a bubble they have created for themselves. In these bubbles, no harm can come to them, they are safe in their makeshift kingdoms, the walls of denial protecting them from any outer onslaught. That just leads to another dumb expression, "I never saw it coming", or it's brother,"I didn't think it would happen to me". Well of course you never saw it coming, you weren't looking for it, that is what makes you such an easy target. If you give anyone the opportunity to A) attack someone who seems to have an active role in their surroundings, head on a swivel, eye contact, all that good stuff, or B) attack someone who is just meandering down the street seemingly lost in their own little world and not really aware of their surroundings, who do you suppose they will attack? Well, surprise being a great weapon in any fight, they will attack the oblivious person. Do lions attack healthy, aware, obviously defensive animals? No, they attack the weak or the sick, or the ones that just stupidly wander into their territory looking lost and asking where they might find a phone and how they will gladly give you some money for the information if you would just kindly follow them to an ATM. Don't find something that makes you think, just think, expect the unexpected and the out of the ordinary. Homosapien: Latin, wise man or knowing man. The name alone implies the ability to think via our own channels. I want to see it coming, I want a chance to move out of the way, I will always hope for the best but expect the worst and, no matter how much reality television tries to stop me, I will always think for myself. On that note, I hate the singing of Kelly Clarkson and think she is a fatty.

Enough of this Global warming crap already.

I have had it up to my chin, starting at my feet of course, with all this global warming garbage. I don't believe it and neither should you. "Oh no", the hippies cry,"our planet is getting warmer, what ever shall we do?". First of all, of course it's getting warmer, we are reaching the end of a geological ice age that has been around for thousands of years. yes, our planet is getting warmer but not in the way you are told by the media hippies. Carbon-monoxide emissions are not the big problem, don't get me wrong, they do suck but they are not making the planet warmer. Spend any amount of time reading and you can find out that those glaciers that are melting, the ones that everyone is in such a tizzy over, have been melting for many thousands of years. Of course, people will say that they are melting faster than they were. I will say that a small ice cube will melt faster than a large ice cube, that is the nature of ice, as it gets smaller, it gets warmer and melts faster. This global warming thing that everyone is worried about has been going on, basically since the world froze a long, long time ago. Does anyone ever wonder what the dinosaurs thought of this whole global cooling mess that was happening to them before they died out? After that, do you think the mammoths and saber-toothed snow tigers, sat around being all concerned that their personal methane emissions were now, warming up the globe. Maybe they were mad at all those little two legged mammals and their dirty fire that polluted the ozone layer with deadly Carbon smoke. Here is the only problem that faces us as far as global warming is concerned. Human beings are fat, lazy and unwilling to adapt to any kind of discomfort. As an entity, we would rather have the globe adapt to us, we would rather change the planet to our ideal weather, than actually adapt ourselves, to survive some mild discomfort. It is the people who live on the beach that don't want our water levels to rise because they don't want their home values to diminish. No one ever tells them that that expected and not at all avoidable twenty foot rise in sea level is expected to happen over the next one thousand years and not tomorrow afternoon. What about the polar bears? They are dieing off because of global warming aren't they? No, they are dieing off because their food source is moving or being over fished, just like people, animals that refuse to adapt or move were more food is, well, they die out. Why are we even worried about global warming? Human beings won't be alive in one thousand years at the rate we are going. As fast as our population is growing, there won't be anything top eat in another two hundred years, other than human surplus, which will be kind of stringy at best. My point, I guess, is that the planet will just keep on rolling along getting warmer and warmer over thousands of years, then, one millennium there will be too much water vapor in our atmosphere and the planet will get colder and colder and all that vapor will freeze and the whole wacky thing will happen again. As for the polar bears, they will be fine, I have noticed that a lot of them got good work as actors in Coca-Cola commercials so don't you worry about them, they know how to adapt.

On the Subject of Tolerance.

Why does it seem that we live in a world full of people that just can't handle the fact that they are jag-offs? It seems like every time I turn on the TV, my computer, or even my radio, I am barraged with ads or PSAs about how I should not look down on people for various reasons, IE., their race, religion, political views...ETC. Now looking down at someone is easy to do, in fact, most of the heavy pro-tolerance people look down their noses at anyone that they feel doesn't tolerate people to their own personal standards of toleration. The heavy advocates of tolerance are actually less tolerant than your average bigot on the street. I will relate a story for you. About a half year ago I was at a store, standing in line, waiting to purchase various edibles and drinkables fro the self-checkout line, when a woman barged in front of me and the two people who were in line before me. She did not acknowledge us, she just walked in front of us like she was always there. I will not tell you specifics, just this, she was not thin and she was not, by definition, white. One of the people in front of me turned and gave me a look that said,"can you believe this?", the other person in front of her just looked around and tried to ignore it all and hide his obvious anger. This happened in Minnesota, a state that should change it's motto to " Th land of 10,000 repressed emotions", I am not the hold it in kinda guy and I wanted to leave the store with my food and drink and consume them. "Hey lady, get to the back of the line", I said, trying not to say not cutsies like I was standing in a third graders cafeteria line. The gasps and inhalations of shock were actually audible as many heads turned toward me in awe of what I had said. The woman at the head of the line gave me a scornful glance and was about to leave the line, when a woman spoke out, against me. "You racist bigot"' were her words, I didn't feel the need to point out the redundancy of this statement at the time, people like to use those words together because social taboos have turned them into social power words that can be used to scare off the timid. The woman who was calling me racist was a white woman, about 5 feet 6 inches tall, with the build of a heroin addict and the hair of a granola munching, bean freak. "You can not talk to people of color so rudely", she told me, explaining how fragile these people were because of how poorly they were treated by the whites. Well, she looked smug and proud and she thought she had me against a wall. She crossed her arms and awaited an apology and then she could await the kudos of the onlookers, I tell you she looked damn pleased with herself. This is what I said in response. " Holy shit lady, what the hell are you talking about? I was telling her to get to the back of the line because she just cut in front of everyone else. You are the one who brought up race." at this point there is shock in her hippy eyes." I'm not racist lady, I have been around long enough to know that being an asshole is not bound simply by the color of your skin and you really helped nail that down just now. You are the one who brought skin color into this if anything I would have gone after the fact that she is a big fatty and was in an obvious rush to get home and swill down a bag of Totinos pizza rolls before her cholesterol level dropped below five thousand. Your the racist here lady, not me. When I see someone acting like an asshole, I just say to myself, Look at this asshole but it's obvious to me that when you see someone being an asshole you say Look at that poor non-white person.". That is, more or less what I said, then I was asked to leave the store, crazy hippy was not asked to leave but I was. I didn't even get to buy my food and drinks just escorted out of the building. I was sitting on a bench trying to wind down and really craving a beer, when the line cutter pulled up along side of the bench, rolled down her window called me a crazy white boy and drove away with a wave and a smile. Well I guess that's tolerance for you. Don't even get me started on religion.

Real Humans Vs. Sex Robots.

This evening I was out and about and the subject of sex came up, as it tends to, when people drink heavily. Well, let me tell you an honest man in a world full of liars is a rarity but I am that. Once you have put a few drinks in me, I am even more honest than I was before. I have a wide vocabulary but somehow, 'Tact', fell out of it and hit it's head on the sidewalk. The table had turned it's conversational tide toward, the difficulties of men and women in relationships. How can these problems be solved? That was the question. My answer, sex robots. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking blow up dolls or even those real dolls. I am saying sex robots, like the Fembots in Austin Powers. They look human, they can even talk, if that is the sort of kinky stuff you are into. the main difference between them and a real person. They would have an off switch. Every time I bring up my sex robot agenda, at first, people think I am joking but later they discover that I am all too serious. I think they would be a fantastic addition to our planet. Worried about your self image? A sexbot doesn't care what you look like. Your girlfriend holding out on you until you apologize? sexbots don't argue. They don't care how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, what you smell like, or even how often you change your underwear. All sexbots care about is, well, nothing really, they're sexbots. I have been called twisted and sick for my sexbot agenda but I do not care, I am a visionary. Women like to point out how sick this idea is and then they mumble something about how men would have sex with a robot because of how perverted and dirty minded they are. I admit it, we are sick, perverted and dirty minded and I feel women use that to their advantage, sexbots would put a stop to that toot-sweet. There is also the fact, that, if you have ever ventured into any "adult toy" shop, anywhere in the world, you soon realize that, women rule the current sexbot purchasing world. There are walls full of motorized gizmos, some that would make an elephant blush and they are everywhere. That is womens biggest problem with my sexbot agenda, they don't want to be stood up on a Friday night for a machine, well, I bet a few of you guys out there have been stood up for a robo-buddy and it's about time you took a stand. Call your local robot manufacturer today and demand they get busy on a sexbot so you can "get busy" on a sexbot. It is not just a wild idea I give you, it is a better world .

sexbot pros
no whining, no crying, no mood swings, no tantrums, no offspring(unless you count robo-baby, the only robotic baby you power up by shaking), handy off/on switch, beer cooler navel, washable, interchangeable parts, nothing like your mother/father, exactly like your mother/father, easily stored, unbreakable titanium jaw, fresh lemon scent.
sexbot cons
gotta plug it in sometimes.

A question for me to answer.

This one is from Sara in Florida.

Joe,
Do you have any idea why people in Florida seem to think red lights are optional?

Good question Sara, and not as easy to answer as one would think. First off, you could tell yourself that people who just drive on through a red light without a care in the world, are just rude, self important jerks, that believe they can break any law they wish and endanger others lives just because they are more important than others. You could use this point of view but, since the same phenomenon happens on the west coast as well, I am afraid it would fall flat. everyone who has been to California before knows that those kinds of people don't live here. The problem we share with people driving through red lights actually can be traced to something called,"The Coastal Prismatic Glare Effect". The CPGE occurs when airborne particles of salt water react to light rays from the sun. The effect is a floating prism, like an invisible water lens, that can momentarily confuse the eye, actually making the things look upside down or even change the colors of a certain object. So now you will want to know why the major effect is at stop lights. To answer that I will have to explain heat exchange ratios, which could take a long time, so I shall sum it up. Streets are highly polluted, hot zones in any major coastal area. Heat and pollution from engine emissions get caught on the streets and circulate as the traffic passes. An intersection is what the science community calls a "dead zone", where the traffic slows and thusly, so does the circulation of the heat and pollution. This "dead zone" has a standing pocket of hot exhaust which forms a bubble that the human eye can not see. That bubble, usually about ten to twelve feet high, is where the water salt water prism rests. This puts the prism directly between the driver and the stop light. As to what the driver sees, well that I can't tell you, it varies from eye to eye. It is highly probable, however, that what they see at a red light is perceived, by them, to be a green light since as I had covered, the light could be upside down and a different color as seen through the prism. The bad side of this is these people could cause accidents but the good side is, that by running a red light, they keep the pollution circulating, lowering the chance of another CPGE bubble.
There you go Sara I hope that answers your question and thank you for writing in.

By the way, there is one more possible answer to your question. Maybe people are just dicks. you can mull over both these arguments but you decide which you believe.

Some quick thoughts.

First question. How the hell is Russia in the G8 summit? I understand that this A- list of economic powers was made a few years ago, so don't you feel the need to update it just a little bit? Here's a thought, we could drop Russia. Really, since the Iron Curtain fell the only thing Russia has had the market cornered on was child prostitution and mail order brides. I'm not saying they can't ever be in the line up again but it's like when you break your leg in school and can't play at recess, once you are healthy again, that's when you can ease your way back in with the fellas. So drop Russia for a while and then we can add, oh, I don't know, maybe China. China is just one of the biggest economic powers on the planet right now. Let's also not forget India, they must have a booming economy with all the jobs America has outsourced to them.
Next and this is related to the G8 as well. Since when is France a world power of any kind? Isn't that the country that dropped the ball, not once but twice in a world war situation? History has shown us that you can not trust France to help with anything. They dropped the ball on the Treaty of Versailles for god sake and with that, all they had to do was basically turn around and look. Go across the border every now and then and ask Fritz if he is developing a standing army. That was it, that is the equivalent of me asking my neighbor if he has made any illegal advances in potato gun technology.
Here is a good news story, looks like an expert in the area of obesity has said that American Idol winner Jordin, is obese. This has prompted several fans to send death threats, angry blogs and tons of e-hate-mail to the woman. Look, all the expert said was she was not a healthy young woman and you have to agree. Since when did it become an extreme offense in this country to call a duck a duck? The obesity expert need not worry about the threats though, I am pretty sure the people who are all revved up about this subject aren't exactly the kind of folk that could sneak up on a person. Maybe they could organize a march against obesity, no wait, that would be counter productive to their cause.
Last of all how could I forget? Paris is out of jail and has to finish her sentence confined to home. Is this really a punishment? I am pretty sure that old Paris doesn't really mind being at home as much as you or me. If any one of us was confined to our homes for 45 days we would most likely go stir crazy but I will bet dollars to doughnuts that Paris's place is a bit bigger and nice than yours or mine. It's just as bad as when Martha Stewart got home confined to her forty acre ranch. What kind of world do we live in where even B-list celebrities get bailed out of their prison sentences? They released her sighting medical issues by the way, I will put money on Klaustrophobia. I think I will try that one if I ever go to prison. I bet I wouldn't get released though, infact, I will bet that would just make the late night rapings more prevalent. So it's a no go on my klaustrophobia plea then, unless I get lonely.

The Gamblers advice isn't that good.

I know it's an old tune but Kenny Rogers, "The Gambler"' is still pretty popular as far as country music goes. I have heard this song every now and then, since my childhood but up until last night, it really never hit me. This guy doesn't really know what he is talking about. The advice he gives about gambling is absurd. I am not sure what card game he's discussing in the song but I really don't think it's poker, even though that is what they try to make you think. I am now going to dissect some of these points to show you what I mean. Fist of all these guys are "on a train bound for nowhere", which is apparently pointing to the fact that they are both destitute and probably not playing a very high stakes game. They are staring out the window and so bored that they decide to speak to each other. That is the first verse but in the second verse they are playing cards because that's when the Gambler says,"If you don't mind me sayin', I can see you're out of aces". Right there I have a problem with this Gambler fellow, poker is not a game about the accumulation the same kind of card, such as aces, it is about having the better hand all around. Now, saying, I can see you're out of aces", makes me think that these guys were on a train playing Go Fish, it wouldn't have sounded right if the words were, "If you don't mind me fishin' I can see you're out of aces", fits in there pretty well though doesn't it? Also, in that same verse, the Gambler does say that he has made his life."out of readin' peoples faces", once again I will point out that he is broke on a train of which he does not know the destination. That is about when this broke ass Gambler guy bums some whiskey off of the other guy. What kind of mooching gambler is this anyway?
Then we get to the real good stuff, the guy hands the Gambler his bottle of booze and the he finishes it off. That is just rude, everyone knows that drinker etiquette always gives the owner of the bottle the last swig. Now, the bottle is already pretty much empty, which means that the guy is probably really, really drunk and didn't need that last swig anyway but I think it was still thoughtless to drink it anyway. The Gambler probably even did that thing that real drunks do when a bottle is dry and let it sit, upturned on his tongue, just for that last drop to ooze out. It doesn't stop there though, because then he has the gall to bum a cigarette! What a moochy mooching moocher. This is the verse, also, when the Gambler tells the guy that he will give him poker advice. This is the equivalent of taking hair care advice from Telly Savalis.
"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em". This is something that every real bad poker player likes to say when they are on the winning side of a bad beat, say they stay in 'til the river card and get their full house when the whole time you were sitting on a flush and betting high. It's a line that has caused more bloody noses than the Ebola virus. Then he says you never count money at the table, well, how the hell are you supposed to know if you are in a force out position if you don't know how much money you have?
"Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin' Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep.". Duh, that is how you play poker, you don't need to be a freakin' pro gambler to know that if you are sitting on nine, king, three, seven, jack unsuited, that you are most likely not gonna win this hand there hotshot. The song goes on" cause every hands a winner and evry hands a loser, And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."???What? Die in your sleep, that's the best that you can hope for? Not a big castle and a pool fulla bitches? If the best you can hope for is to die quietly in your slumber, you sir, suck at poker. Then the Gambler falls asleep and dies! that is it, he cacks in his sleep, right there in the train car. What the hell is this all about? It makes no sense, for decades people have been acting like this song is some kind of spirit connection to the odds gods of gambling Olympus and it's really just about a mooching bum with a ticky heart, that doesn't even know were the hell he is going and he just wants to die in his sleep. A good card player would never take his advice but I do not mind sitting across the table from people who do. I need their money for my pool idea. Gotta live the dream baby, gotta live the dream.

Jack and Coke, Americas drink?

So it's a slow night at the pub last night. Our fare city is flooded electrical engineers and, as everyone knows, they tend to be a group that suffers from poor social development. So the first big group of the that comes in after their convention lets out for the day are all from Kansas or Nebraska, one of those states, that, when you live in it long enough, even downtown San Diego seems exotic. They walk up to the bar and what do they order? Now, this is an Irish pub, dark, dreary, on a quiet night it really gives you that feeling of pensive solitude that you want from an Irish pub. So six out of ten of these conventioneers order mojitos! I know, you are thinking, "WHAT?", a mojito at a pub and I answer, "yes indeedy.". The irony is that just around the corner is a perfectly good Spanish style bar were they could have gotten a perfectly good Mo but, forget that, they wanted to go to an Irish bar. Pubs shouldn't even carry the fixings for a Mojito, or margheritas for that matter. Pubs should stick to what they know, beer, whiskey and, sometimes wine. I guess while we're making pub rules they should also put a restriction on Coca-cola. As in "the use of, in drinks, as a mixer". I'll tell you why. Later in the night, more of these engineer types came into our little pub, they were from Armenia, they were pretty well off and they wanted an "American drink.". I told them to just try a Jack and Coke, I mean, in the American Drink Hall of Fame, what drink is more us than that? Well they just weren't happy with our little Jack Daniels that I recommended, they wanted to flash the cash, they wanted everyone to know just how rich they were. To my horror, they ordered a Coke and 18 year MacCallen. Okay, I do understand that the bars primary purpose is to make money but really, I couldn't have mixed this drink. No way, not in a thousand years. What kind of simple minded, freak could actually do that? So what if that drink is going to be a fifty dollar drink. So what if that's hard profit for the bar. If i was working at a bar that expected me to do that to a fine scotch I am afraid we'd be fightin' real quick. It's worth it to fight and sometimes lose your job over things you believe in. I believe that every bar, tavern, saloon and pub in the world should make the controlled use of mixers mandatory. You may only make whiskey and Cokes out of Jack Daniels grade or below, above that and it is an abomination unto our Liquor Lord, he who sits upon the heavenly bar stool and rains his loving whiskey piss, from sherry lined kidneys and Oaken bladder into our waiting glasses. He can also manifest spicy buffalo wings through prayer AMEN.

Aren't Cuban atheletes still technically embargoed?

Any educated person isn't really worried about the cigars anymore, hell, most people know that all the good cigar makers in Cuba either moved to the Dominican Republic or some other nearby area, (I will take bets on Florida), after we enacted the trade embargo on their country. What else comes out of Cuba? Well, not a whole lot really, they do make this oak cask rum that you can get over the border in Mexico, I've had stuff that was aged as long as twenty-five years and it was delicious. So there is that, yams too I suppose. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, baseball players, That's right, the one thing the import more of from Cuba than rafts made of doors. Up to our current time, America has had approximately 150 Cuban born baseball players, including the likes of Tony Gonzalez, Jose Canseco and Roberto Ortiz, to name a few. Baseball is the national sport of Cuba and they take it seriously down that way. Fidel Castro, himself, was supposedly an amazing curve ball pitcher back in his college years and even had some U.S. scouts trying to get a look at him. In fact, to this day, major and minor league scouts go to Cuba to see if anyone is worth picking up for an American team. Does this not turn that person into a Cuban fiscal interest with our country thus breaking the 1962 trade embargo? Yes, of course it does. Well I won't claim to be a political genius but, If we are gonna keep taking on baseball players from Cuba, maybe it's about time we found a way to work things out with that little island nation. I do enjoy baseball and think that opening our borders just a hair to a nation that, just is no threat at all to our way of life (read a book, the Cuban missile crisis was such a croc of dook). It could only help us by improving our pitching rotations and helping our batting orders. Of course our country would get flooded with cheep cigars that some dirty player would be selling as Cubans but that is the risk one takes. So either close down all trade and I mean all of it, or, open up those borders once and for all. Not just for baseball and not just for those starving kids on the streets of Havana but, more than anything, because I want that rum. It's just so good and I don't want to have to cross the border for it anymore.

How safe really is air travel?

All the scares of air born terror plots and faulty mechanics aside, how safe are you on an airplane, when it comes to diseases? Airplanes do have bio-filters, however they can only clean so much air and, after a few hours, you are simply re-breathing dirty , used air. All those heaving lungs, so tightly packed in that aluminum sky ship. You can not expect the atmosphere to stay pure for long. Look at the recent problems with the Avian flu virus, many experts in the area of infectious disease, said that the virus may be able to spread to others from being trapped in aircraft filtration systems. Why, only a few days ago, a man with a highly resistant strain of Tuberculoses was allowed on an international flight. Now the CDC are saying people from these flights should get checked up to make sure this virus hasn't infected other passengers. I believe that the convenience of air travel no longer outweighs it's risks and it won't until the airlines find a way to make the on board environment cleaner. You may wonder if I am merely being paranoid but I do have some personal experience with these kind of diseases. Why just three years ago, one of my good friends was flying back to America from South Africa. While on board he struck up a conversation with one of the stewardesses, an apparently healthy young woman from northern Egypt. She was traveling to the US with her twenty-two year old sister and was hoping she could be shown the sights. My friend, being the helpful type, said he would be glad to show them around, he called me upon their arrival and told me he wanted me to help him with the tour. I agreed, I do like to be helpful. I met them at a local bar and was truly taken aback by
these womens exotic beauty. They both had eyes of almond, their skin was a creamy dark brown, they both had very healthy bodies. No one would have ever guessed that they were both riddled with disease. The fist couple of hours of our tour were pretty uneventful, we went to a few more local bars and a restaurant my friend and I would frequent. Everything was going fine and then, out of nowhere I felt a strange feeling in my body. I was flushed, at first I thought it may be the alcohol but as my body began to heat up, I began to worry. After a few hours more the heat got worse and worse, finally I could not keep it contained. I told them all how I felt, I think it was apparent in my face. The girls could tell that something was wrong and suggested that we all turn in to their hotel for some rest. Their knowing glances should have tipped us off but, maybe it was our weakened states that did not allow us to pick up on this on time. The next two days were spent, mostly in bed, the girls watching over us the whole time, even using their own body heat to keep the cold sweats at bay. Sometimes we felt strong enough to go out and have dinner but the sickness would come back, usually before we reached the desert course and the girls would bring us back to their rooms. On the fourth day, the girls informed us that they had to fly back to South Africa, after that, much was just a blur. Once the girls had gone, both my friend and I started to feel better, but still exhausted from the whole sweaty ordeal. Later on that week I discussed my illness with a friend who was in medical school. He told me that I we were both very lucky to be okay and that he thought we had both come down with a virulent strain of Jungle Fever. I don't know about my friends health but I believe I never really got over my sickness, all that time, all those nights in that hotel bedroom. Now I can finally walk the streets without any real problems but I have talked to others in a Jungle Fever support group. More than likely, the disease had infected my friend on the plane and he and the girls had transmitted it to me. I survived and so did he but, this is not my only story of whoa. I could go on about the day I came down with a serious case of Yellow Fever I caught from Japanese business woman on a two day layover on her way to LA. Then there was the time I came in contact with a strain of the Boogie Woogie Flu that I had caught from girl that was on a band promotional tour. This may have been the worst case I have ever had, I did treat it in time because doctors told me it could have easily become a full blown case of Rocking Pneumonia. Just an article of warning for you, I hope you heed my words.

I know it's a long way to go for a joke but I feel it was worth it. God bless innuendo.