The drivers Ten Commandments.

So, when my bro wrote me and asked me to take a look at the recently printed drivers Ten Commandments that has just been released by the Vatican, I thought,"you gotta be rippin' me". Rippin' me he was not, in fact I found that that goofy old holy Roman church, actually did release a list of ten driving commandments. Now far be it from me to say you should be wary of anything that comes from the hallowed halls of the Vatican, i was not raised a Catholic and therefore don't know a lot about them or their teachings. I was not sure if they could be trusted with the delicate laws of driver etiquette. Granted, from what I have learned in the history books, the Catholic church is rather tenacious with their ideals. The Crusades, the various inquisitions, all those times that they forced their beliefs on others, well, you just gotta admire them for their stick-to-ativeness. To really get to the bottom of these commandments I had to talk to someone who knew these people better than myself. I have a few friends who were raised in this church, so, to get perspective, I asked them, between their suicide attempts, fits of hysteria and prayers to help them end their lifelong struggle with the temptations of auto-erotic asphyxiation, if they could help me to decipher these new driving guidelines. Once the spittle, blood and semen had been washed away and they had said a few thousand Hiel Marys, the reading of the commandments could begin, they are...

The “Drivers’ Ten Commandments,” from the Vatican
1. You shall not kill. (This seams simple but it is not. Murder is a sin in the eyes of the church but it says nothing here about letting the car do the dirty work for you, in fact we all agreed that this is put in place to show people that drivers are weak but cars, like the biblical lord, can be vengeful and deadly and you should fear their wrath).

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.(What? Well as it points out the road is the flesh and if you are driving really fast and take communion off of it, you will not be mortally harmed).

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.(When someone blindsides you at 80 miles an hour in a drunken haze, thank him or her for the gift of awareness).

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.(This is obvious, since it has never been the catholic way, to take advantage of the weakened, feeble, injured or elderly. What made them one of the largest land owners in the world? Charity.)

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.( We believe that this has something to do with male genitalia and BMW ownership but it could be Mercedes Benz as well, perhaps Porsche).

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.(To much of that there blood of your lord and you could may just crash your car. Communion and driving don't mix).

7. Support the families of accident victims.(Use sticks, crutches, plaster, anything you can find to support them).

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.( Ah yes nothing as pure as forgiving the guy, who, when hitting your car at 80 miles an hour, took from you your family and your dog. yes forgive him til it hurts, use an iron wood stick, that'll make him feel forgiven, right up side his head).

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.(If you are in a semi and you see someone in a VW bug about to get into an accident, feel free to ram them off the road, then drive on with a clear conscience).

10. Feel responsible toward others.( Okay, I have nothing for this one, it is just plain stupid. How the hell can I feel responsible toward someone? that doesn't make any sense at all. It is even bad grammar, they are telling you to feel responsible at someone, not for someone. That is stupid).

Well, that is it, the run down of the Ten Commandments of driving but that is only a transcription. The original stone tablets that they were written on were smashed to powder on the hood of a gold colored 1974 Cadillac Eldorado with an absolutely amazing set of bull horns on the hood. Apparently the guy that was trying to talk about the new commandments got jealous when attention turned away from the pope mobile and onto this other, more luxurious automobile.