On the subject of symbolism.

Go to any major city in the world and look for architecture that has some symbolic meaning and you will find it. Washington D.C. has its penises, breasts, sun bursts bulls and owls. New York has the Five Points. Paris has the Pyramid at the eagles, or owls, head, just east of the Arc de Triomphe, depending what ancient symbolism you want to use. Check out the sun burst building of the notoriously named Bush House in London, home to the BBC World Service. Then we have the Pentagon. Is it a pentagram, or a pentacle? Either way it is more evidence of the lunatics that built the planets cities having deep ties to symbolism. Now some people are pissed off about the "Swastika" building on Coronado Island in San Diego. If you have Google Earth, go to 32 degrees 40'29.36"N, by 117 degrees 09'27.75W, there you will see a building laid out in a right facing swastika pattern. This building has many people outraged and the city is planning on covering it up which would cost tax payers anywhere from six hundred thousand, to one million dollars. People are even more outraged because the building is a US Navy barracks, some say it is in poor taste to have a Nazi symbol on an American military base. Well, you have to see the big picture here and if you look directly to the west two blocks, you can see a couple of buildings lined up that look a whole lot like airplanes flying directly toward the swastika. I am serious, look at it. These buildings don't make the news but they are there. Now using the power of obvious symbolism and a bit of common sense, you too can piece this puzzle together. Take a Navy base, add some airplane symbols, plus a swastika, then a dash of history and you get what? Remember that whole thing, what was it called? Oh yeah, World War Two. That thing, where American bombers bombed Germany. Our country helped the Allied Forces beat the Axis Forces. Remember that? This is obviously some kind of tribute to that. I am not saying it is in the best of taste but it is not worth the money to cover it up. I live in San Diego and I don't want to pay for it. Hell, they could just name the whole thing a WWII memorial and no one would care. There, problem solved. Now if you want a symbolism mystery, explain to me why Fort Jay on Governors Island in New York, seems to be on the back of either a pentagram or a turtle. Maybe it's a pentaturtle, I don't know, I really never got symbolism.

The male dominated media.

I was recently told that the American media is run by men. In fact, I have heard that many of the businesses in our country are controlled by men. Some people have even gone so far to say that the entire world is controlled by human males. I gotta say that all sounds kinda iffy to me. Here is why. First off, our media. The American media tends to shy away from showing blood, gore and most forms of violence on television. Men like that kind of stuff though, I mean, we really get a kick out of it. From very young ages we are fascinated by death and dismemberment. Young boys, finding a bloated corpse of a small forest creature, will, invariably sit for hours simply poking it with a stick. This is normal childhood behavior and should not cause any concern in parents. it is not until you catch your child inserting his penis into the corpse that you should become worried, that is a telltale sign of some deeper trauma. So the lack of violent imagery on television is one of the clues that proves men don't run the media. Another example is music. If the music companies were controlled by men, the music videos of the mid to late 1980s would have never gone out of style. Warrant's video for the song 'Cherrie Pie', would most likely be our basic model that would be used to build all other music videos. If the music industry was male controlled every video to date would be muscle cars, big oily tits and a cameo by Captain Lou Albano. There are just so many ways to tell that men don't control the media. Look at tool commercials for god sake. Where is the dirt? where is the blood? why are all the tools on these commercials clean now? How come the people on the commercials all have eye protection and smocks? Men don't wear that crap in their shops, that is why we have old shirts and the ability to duck. As for the world. I can prove that our world is not ruled by men using one simple fact. It is this. Peeing in bottles is frowned upon in our society. See, if I was in the car on a long drive and had to pee, I could just pee into a bottle and continue on my way. However, in this non-male dominated society that would be unsanitary. No, I have to stop and use one of those metal, germ buckets that are placed so inconveniently along the side of the road. Now do I even have to go back to the 90's and talk about all that post grunge, "it's okay for a man to cry" BS? Damn you Eddie Vedder! No man created these things unless he was under duress from some nagging, ambivalent, demonic force. I of course refer to the "power wife". She is our secret ruler, the one who creates these ridiculous ideas and feeds them to us. A rich, bored, doting old woman with no sense of right or wrong. Years ago she destroyed the man everyone thinks is in power and devoured his male soul. You want proof? Just look at Ted Turner a during the Jane Fonda years, one word, "colorization". The world is full of these evil, old bitches, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton, Sally Fields, they are everywhere. Now you know the truth, now you have the final piece of the puzzle. Now stand up with me and shout, "I am gonna piss in this Gatorade bottle while I am driving, partly because I am lazy, but mostly because I am a man, plus it is actually more sanitary than that rat infested, lean-to that people call a rest stop".

Music, the media and me.

I was sitting here drinking and thinking about how annoying music lately. how the media shoves tons of shit down our throats. About how people call bands like, the Deftones or Godsmack, heavy metal. Then I think back to the days when I sat on the floor of my dads garage, just playing with my Tonka trucks. My pops would be listening to Hank Williams or Johnny Cash, then my brother would get home and be loudly playing some Blue Oyster Cult in the tape deck of his '76 Suburban. "Turn that racket off!", my dad would yell. To wit my brother would grumble and turn it off. I should say that some kids would have continued to play the music but my dad is one of those dads you never messed with. My bro would mumble about BOC still being music and how good it was, my father, for his part, still thought it was crap. I will say that the song 'Don't fear the Reaper', is pretty sweet, especially when they used it as the opening song for the mini-series version of Stephen Kings, The Stand, that was awesome.
Soon I start thinking about music and how it changes. Years later I was in my fathers garage trying to turn over a stuck 454. I was listening to one of my favorite albums, Anthrax, Among The Living, which, strangely enough also has a lot to do with Steven Kings, 'The Stand'. The song Among the Living is all about 'The Walking Dude'. Of course 'I am the Law' is about Judge Dredd but 'Skeletons', is all about the story 'Apt Pupil'.
So, okay, popular music sucks but this seems to be opening a new idea for me, remember how popular Rob Zombie was for a while? Now all he does is make horror movies that are pretty sweet. So that's it. Wow, I just realized it. You never hear a crappy song, in a good horror movie. Damn it, that's the connection. All the music you hear on the radio is crap because it was made by non-violent and whoafully boring people. I get it now. Johnny Cash was a lunatic in his youth and most likely until his death. Even Earnest Tubbs from the Grande Olde Oprey was a violent person. That's it, that is the connection the media doesn't want you to see. Violence is a creative outlet and creative and talented people are violent. All the popular bands right now are pussies, hell, a lot of them are European, or have a Euro-trash lean. I am blown away by this discovery. Intelligence+ mediocre horror novels + musical talent= decent music, where as no intellegence + stupid hairdo+ whining - testes = scott Stapp. It is all so simple. Look at the good bands out there and tell me these equations don't work. I dare you.

More annoying comercial laziness.

Yet another thing that annoys me is the recent surge of Visa commercials wherein everyone is in a shop, or deli, or, the latest one, a sports store. Every one is moving in very mechanically, well oiled order as they pay for merchandise with their Visa check cards. Eventually a person with plain old cash gets to the register and destroys the order of the queue causing havoc and the breaking of plates and dropping of merchandise. What most people think this commercial is telling you is that having a check card is quick, hassle free and convenient. What this commercial says to me is much worse. First of all, the producers show people to be more robotic than human, moving in a way that suggests order versus error. error is a much sneered at aspect of the human experience. Then you have the efficiency of the Card, it is quick and you get done shopping fast and you are out the door. This especially gets to the human male, who tends to dislike the shopping experience all together. Of course then you have everyone glaring at the poor, dumb sap that used cash instead of a check card. This part gets to people because of that "gym class fat kid" syndrome. People hate it when they are being looked down on as outsiders, very agoraphobic in its presentation. So many small aspects of this commercial tell your brain that the card is better than cash and people don't even take notice of it, they just accept it. However, this commercial really pisses me off and here is why. First, I do not like order, disarray is more my speed, I like the flaws and faults in human beings, they make for good jokes. Nothing can be funny in a world of robotic, hive minded people but that is what the media, the government, big business..etc., want us to be, automatic. Do not think, only react to the proper stimulus, jump when told, sit when told and above all, spend, spend, spend. Second, no one seems to care that the person at the cash register seems dumbfounded by cash. It is a blatant acceptance of worker stupidity, you have ruined the workers day by making them think, if only for one second. Really, why should a person at a cash register have to make change for you, you could just be using the card, crazy outsider. Third thing , before I wrap up, the whole one mindedness of the whole thing, all those people, hating you because you aren't like them and have thrown off their routine. This is a direct psychological attack at people to make them conform to the easy way of life. A real "one of us", moment. So all these undertones aside, what is the overtone of this whole commercial series? That is simple, it is this. Give us your money! That is it. Banks want to control your money, they want credit to rule and cash to vanish. It has been happening since we let them take away the gold standard. Cash in hand is valuable and hard to control. Check cards are different, it's money you can't see and feel, you are detached from it, therefore you can spend it easier. It's like making a decision between two women, one will live and one will die. One woman you know, one you have never met. So who lives and who dies? It's a much easier decision when you don't know the one woman. So of course the one with the best tits lives, especially if she is dressed kinda trashy. So beware of these so called commercials, they are really part of the bigger plot to screw you.

Why is all this difficult?

I can't take it anymore. I keep seeing infomercials that make simple tasks seem really hard to do. Can flipping an omelet really be that hard? I have to know. There is half hour slot about a machine that opens jars for a person. How is that so impossible to do? The lady in the ad gets spaghetti sauce all over herself and the kitchen, this may seem erotic to many Italians but it just scares me. Then I saw one where a lady needed a machine to make sure she only got one square of paper towel at a time. Without the machines help, she had tissue all over the place, she nearly got strangled by it, I was mortified. I know what you are gonna think about all this. They make these menial tasks seem difficult so they can sell the product but what if it's worse than that? What if our new way of life in America has brought de-evolution to such a horrendous point, that we actually have become that inept as a society. What will this world be like in ten years, when we need three machines and a running start just to open a box of Corn Flakes? The media claims they care about the laziness and sloth of the society, yet, they keep pushing these items on us. When Jerry Springer first became popular, we all said,"hey, they are just actors, that many people can't really be that stupid". Well, as a future blog will show, I have been doing the math and I am afraid that we are all wrong. That many people can be that stupid and it is going to destroy our planet. That is why I am devoting this weeks pissings to all the stupid people of the media. I am trying to inform you, before our world is awash in morons with bad motor control and frantic hand, eye coordination. I have often vowed not to have children and soon you will understand why, other than the fact that they would wreck my action figures and ruin the body of my chosen mate/mates/ pool fulla bitches. If you are the breeding kind, I implore you to heed my warnings this week. Transmission ended....


I would also like to add yet another word to the world. The words is Trangsta: noun: A Gangsta in training, typically white, in the middle of an obvious decision whether or not to be trailer trash or go thug. Use it in health.

Oh Canada!

So, as of yesterday morning, the Canadian dollar and the American dollar are holding equal value. If that idea doesn't convince you that our economy is on a downward slide to hell, then I guess nothing will. Even money with Canada? Just last year I was in Winnipeg and we were at a poor, $1.10 to one. I grew up in Minnesota, not too far from the Canadian border and a couple times in my life I have ventured over their to get the most out of my buck but now that would be ludicrous. Face it, the only really good reason to go to Canada, in the past, was the exchange rate, well, that and the fact that you can drink at 18 but I am past that reason and feel a little too old to be checking out 18 year old girls. Economists have said that the even dollar value is not happening because our dollar is loosing value but because Canada's manufacturing and export businesses are getting stronger. I didn't even know that they had an export trade in Canada. After all, you can only portage so much in a canoe there Pasquinel. Americans don't really need any more Canadian beaver pelts and we can supply our own dead comics so that cuts their trade industry. As for manufacturing, do we really want to wear the label "Made in Canada"? Come on America, let's start manufacturing things again. Let's get out of this funk and get our economy back on track. Let's get that Canadian dollar back to where it belongs, in the toilet versus our own. You may think that I am Canada hater because of my rant but that is not true, I love Canada but, if you take away the exchange rate, it's just not worth it to go there. Do you get it? Be increasing our economic value I am also trying to save Canada's. Of course this could all be plot by the "Lorne Michaels" of this planet to get more Canadians to visit, or move, to America, thereby keeping a strong back stock of Saturday Night Live related movies on the slate for centuries to come.

Here come the space diseases.

Over he weekend a meteorite crashed in Souther Peru, near Lake Titicaca, leaving a small, yet somewhat foul smelling crater. Those of us who are still fans of Beavis and Butthead must, first recognize the wonderful humor in saying Titicaca. I will give you this moment to mumble the words to yourself, then on with the story. Now, meteorites are not all that uncommon being that we live on a planet that travels regularly through a large asteroid field. The weird part about this one is that the people of the area are claiming that they are becoming ill and believe it is from some side effect of the meteorite. Many scientists are rejecting their illnesses, stating that the meteorite in question shows nothing more than the average amount of metals and debris that are normally found in such events. I have to wonder though. What about all the other crashes that the scientists snubbed as non-contaminated? 1958 in Pheonixville, Pennsylvania, for instance. A small meteor crashed outside of town, when a local transient happened upon it, poked it with a stick and was attacked by an amoeba like alien that began terrorizing the town, nearly wiping it out. Luckily it's weakness, cold, was found and it was stopped in time. Then in 1982, in the Antarctic, a research team came across what they believed to be a downed comet, it later turned out to be an alien spacecraft. The alien on board could take over peoples bodies through their blood and became a grotesque and terrifying symbiot. Lucky for the world, a daring researcher by the name of R.J. MacReady found that the creature couldn't handle fire and he stopped it before it could destroy our world. I will also point out the 1971 crash of a military satellite that brought back a disease from space that caused rapid clotting of blood. This situation was contained but was nearly a total disaster, since the military planned on detonating a nuclear warhead in order to burn the disease away, if it could not be contained. There are many more such instances that you can find on the internet, which worries me, because that means several more have been covered up by the governments of many nations. You can go as far back as the 1908 Tunguska Event, in which a large comet crashed into the planet, reportedly releasing several otherworldly monsters from the deepest pits of Hades loose upon the planet. This is why I worry about this crater in Southern Peru and you should as well. I am not trying to make you paranoid by the way, if you live on this planet you already should be or you are missing something.

New looks at old trash.

So I actually Googled the Britney Spears VMA show to see what everyone had been talking about and let me just say "Hahahaha". My oh my, that was good stuff there my friends, wow. Reviewers had said that she looked uncomfortable and stiff on stage but I don't think that does it justice. I would say she looked like she was stoned on a mixture of Xanax, cough syrup and heroin, that she had taken in order to calm herself enough to be roughly sodomized by a weedwacker while two large Eastern European men loving smashed her kneecaps with wooden mallets. Short version, she looked wasted and out of it. I am pretty sure that she was on large doses of drugs and alcohol (new word creation, by Joe. Alcho-hole: noun: A person who regularly engages in drunken sex with strangers). Now that she has flopped so heavily on the stage of life all of the people that loved and adored her have turned their backs on her, today it was reported that her long time management company has ditched her. So what is so funny about this? I'll tell you. Britney is not a person, she is a creation of a machine. She has been in the spotlight since she was five years old. She was born human but she was turned into a pop icon, like Ivan Drago in Rocky 4. Remember the montage they showed of how they trained him, fed him drugs, and kept him distant from realities that may confuse his fighting edge? Britney is like that except I felt bad for Drago, damn Russians. Britney, Lindsey, Christina, they are all from the same basic group of control and test children and at some point in time they have all been akin to a malfunctioning fembot. I think it is funny that large entertainment companies find these people as children and then raise and mold them into what you see before you. They are taught to how to sing to the expected popular industry standard, dance in a way that is non-pornographic but none the less arousing and to act in a fashion that is just passable enough to star in a cheeseball Disney flick. At no time are these kids taught to deal with reality. Rejection is unknown to them and absolutely crushing. Not getting their way or what they want, unheard of. Imagine Tarzan being raised, not by apes but instead, robotic, Mormon talent agents with a television fetish, upgraded cruelty chips and burnt out piety circuits, no survival abilities needed just dance and the world will love you, fail us and we will cut you off and throw you into the jungle, see how the lions like your dancing. Okay back to why this is funny to me. Because, this is just the tip of the iceberg friends. Sure Britney is a wreck and many of the other kid stars are falling apart but you have to think back to so many of the others. Willis robbing a convenience store, Danny Partridge and his wild nights away from the bus, who can forget E.T.s Gertie sitting in Studio 54, snorting coke at thirteen years of age? See as time passes the messed up kids just get more plentiful. Parents want their kids to be famous and don't really care about the costs to their humanity. Come on, even Dr. Frankenstein took better emotional care of his monster that people take of these kids. So just expect that the entertainment breeding companies to pour out more and more child stars for each one that fails until this world is dragged under by a flood of pathetic former uberkid corpses, all speed balled to death in Americas alleys of the formerly appreciated. Misery makes good comedy and I think there is a torrent of funny just beyond the horizon.

A review of recent news you may have missed.

There have been a few news stories that people have not been reporting about that I feel need to be covered. I want to start off with one about OJ Simpson, that crazy, crazy man. What in the hell goes through that guys head I wonder? If you don't know, OJ is in jail for allegedly robbing a Las Vegas Sport memorabilia shop along with two armed accomplices. The police have video tape of him and these men removing things from the shop and claim there were guns involved but there are no real clear reports out so far but Simpson is being held without bail. I just gotta say wow, that's it, just wow! You get away with a double homicide because your Isotoners shrank and now you do something just plain retarded? What is wrong with this guys bean? He didn't suffer that many concussions in his NFL days. What a strange, crazy, stupid man.
Here is another good one for do it yourselfers. A man from Melvindale, MI., was found beheaded by a home made guillotine. The body was found in a wooded area near a shopping center. Apparently the death machine was about a six foot long sing arm that was bolted to a tree. Along with the tools and part used to make the guillotine they also found his receipt from the local bigbox building center. One stops to wonder if the dead man used and coupons or bought any sales items. I just think that would be kinda funny if you were about to kill yourself but still shopping for the best deal.
Finally the nuns get screwed. Our very own California Roman Catholic Arch Diocese is selling off one of it's convents in the Santa Barbara area. The nuns have to be out by December 31st of this year. Sister Angela Escalera, the local orders Superior had this to say,“We’re just so hurt by this, and what hurts the most is what the money will be used for, to help pay for the pedophile priests. We have to sacrifice our home for that?” Oh buck up there Sister, the lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe if you dress up like a choir boy one of those nice priests will take you in, hey that sounds just about wacky enough a plot to make a Disney movie out of.
Well those are my top three news stories I wanted to make sure you didn't miss out on and I hope they brightened your day as much as they did mine.

Are you a dollarmenunaire?

we don't do it soon, we will have no one else to blame when we are over run by Grimaces army andI have lived through several retarded ad campaigns in my life. I saw the Taco Bell dog come and go. The "where's the beef" lady pass from our world and Reagan's "Born in the USA" silliness in the 84 election. I have often thought that add execs were like lampreys sucking at the fat belly of the purchasing public. I also believe that big business in our country wants us to get lazy and out of shape so we will stay in our comfort zones and continue to feed them our souls. On top of all this, I have always been annoyed by the way the Federal Reserve uses inflation to devalue Americas dollar. Now I have seen all three of these annoyances slam together in one singularity, the McDonalds "are you a dollarmenunaire?" commercial. Like most people, when I was young I liked McD's I actually thought the food was great, then as I aged and learned about healthy food and the poison that is pumped into us, I figured out why, when I eat that crap, I tend to get a stomach ache and want to sleep, also later, poop way more than I should be able to in one go. This food is cheap and edible, it is by no means good, the waxy flavor and the, I just ate lard, after taste is indicative of something that a very poor fellow would heat up over a burning tire. This commercial just makes me angry. Not only does it devalue the dollar by implying that this so called food is worth a whole dollar but the phrase dollarmenunaire is just creepy. It is one of those things that makes you feel good and not know why. Everyone wants to be a millionaire, even though a million is not as much as it once was, hell it would still stick you in the upper middle class which is amazing when you think about it. Ten years ago one million bucks would have made you a rich person but not any more in America at least. But the word dollarmenunaire still sticks in that part of the human psyche that craves riches. I really hate it, I think the ad campaign talks down to average people and not in the fun, I hate people, way that I do but in a way that says,"let's face it, you will never be rich but, at least you can afford a king sized banquet of our calorie infused, swill". I hate them all so much. Big business wants you to be fat, lazy and complacent and that is just what they breed us all to be from childhood on. This food will make you fat, that is a fact. The fat will make you lazy, that is also a truism. The feeling of getting a deal for your hard earned dollar will make you complacent. So rise up America and destroy the big businesses of the world. If forced to do the bidding of Mayor McCheese. You have been warned.

Why the social taboos?

Like many of the heavy drinkers I know and a lot of the heroin junkies I see on the street that have gotten hold of a weaker strain of junk than usual, I have often wondered about the social taboos of the shart. I think we all know what a shart is, many of us either when attacked by a flu bug, food poisoning or just good old too much beer, have sharted ourselves. Some will call it a wet one, or playing the oops poops gamble, whatever you call it, it simply means you thought you were going to fart and it ended up being a liquid mixture of feces, shame and disapproving, sideways glances. My question is this. Why is it so looked down upon by the self styled non-sharters on the planet? I think sharts are like strong opinions, everyone has them in you but when you share them with others, they get disturbed. Now I am a healthy male so my sharts are few and far between but many aren't so fortunate. I am just writing this to make you all aware of the sharters in your neighborhood, it could be a friend, a family member, even a lover. Who knows who the sharters close to you are and, without a thorough inspection of their unwashed undergarments, it is really difficult to tell. Is that guy a sharter? Maybe he doesn't know how to wipe properly, or perhaps he is just one of the many people in this world that smells mysteriously of butt. I'm no expert so it's not really up to me to speculate. What I will say for sharters is this, they are brave, proud people that go out in this world and sit on hot bus seats, even though they know they may have to make another uncomfortable. Look at us, how we look at people in wheelchairs and those that suffer from social anxiety disorders. We treat them like hero's as they pass us by, not so the sharter. We look down on these people with disgusted glares and shake our heads. Well what if the tables were turned? What if you woke up tomorrow in a world where non-sharters were the freaks, pushed aside by the stench of bigotry and dookie? How would you like it? You wouldn't approve at all and I bet you would make a sludge pond in your drawers just to fit in. You weak bastards. I say "Ask not for whom the sphincter fails, it fails for thee"!

On the more realistic side of this, I have been witness, this summer alone, four adult males and two females that pissed themselves standing at the doorway of my bar. I have also had three sharters and two other people with massive cases of buttsplosion in my bar. I have worked in a lot of bars in my day and never seen anything, like this. God I have a love hate thing going on with San Diego.

Waste of space.

Hello loyal readers. Today I am feeling a bit guilty about a game I play. That game is Tiger Woods 2007 and the reason I feel guilty is because of a friend. My buddy Jason is a virtual environmentalist and when he found out that I played TW07, well he flipped. I guess I never realized how much memory space these games took up and as Jason explained, that space could be used to create living space for the poor. He was right I know, hell one golf game takes up the same space as three games of Sim City. I didn't dare tell him that I had erased an entire game of Sim Earth to make more room for Tiger. It's bad enough when your friends think of you as an elitist snob but destroyer of planets is a title I really don't need either, that would be akin to being the guy on the Death Star that fires the laser even though it's against every moral he has but his family is hungry and he really needs this job, I don't wanna be that guy. One problem I have with Jason's logic is this, Can't the virtual builders just go build in another part of the drive? It's not as though my golf course is taking up all the room, it's just in a slot that you think is Ideal unrealestate. You know what, screw that, Jason is wrong. There is plenty of memory room for my golf game and Sim City. All I need to do is clear some unused space. My old Madden 2004 stadium hasn't been used for years now, I was gonna make an amusement park there but I could build homes I suppose. Then you have those buildings in Las Vegas that have been empty since my Rainbow Six team wiped out all the terrorists, those could easily be renovated for the poor. There is lots of room for everyone, I don't have to feel bad about using some of it for golf. It comes down to a bunch of uppity environmentalists that just don't want to see anyone doing anything that doesn't involve granola and being dirty. So I say to Jason, "Up yours buddy", let's agree to disagree, I will play my golf game and you can play your Sim Hippie game and we will butt out of each others lives. However, if he says one more think about how wrong it is to play Cabela's Deer Hunter again, well, the next time I see him on Battlefield, I am gonna friendly fire him until I get booted.

A serious moment.

I know I usually write something funny or ridiculous but today I have a serious issue that I would like to bring up. The other night after a long work day I was on my way home and decided I was a bit peckish for a tasty potato, in chip form of course. I stopped by the local mini-mart and acquired a bottle of orange juice and a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Now there was nothing wrong with the juice and, in the beginning, nothing seemed off about the chips either. As I was getting to the bottom of the bag however I noticed that the salt flavor was diminishing while the vinegar flavor was increasing. Don't misunderstand me, I enjoy vinegar, hell when I was a kid I would drink the stuff, mostly in the hope that I would be granted acidic blood that I could use to blind my enemies but the bag clearly said salt and vinegar chips. Undaunted I continued to consume the baked potato treat. It wasn't until I reached the last chip in the bag that it really hit me. This chip was dark brown and absolutely wreaked of acerbic wickedness. As I placed this tangy slab of spud on my tongue, my tastedbuds were overwrought with sensations from the pungent potato slice. It was by far the most tangy thing I have ever eaten and I once ate five lemons on a tequila soaked dare. It was heaven and hell all rolled up on a piece of tuber, I both hated and loved it. So you may ask what the serious moment is all about. Well it's this. I am now horribly addicted to these chips but my unreliable mini-mart only carried them for a short time, apparently people had complained that they were too tangy and they took them off the shelves. I, being the fool that I am, decided to throw away the bag after devouring the delicacy, instead of my usual habit of leaving it near my PS2 until it becomes a home for a hermit crab. I can't even remember the name of the chips and I must hunt them down. All I can say for the people who ruined my life is this. You dirty flavor sensitive bastards, what is wrong with you? Strong flavors are a good thing, like blue cheese from Denmark or fresh pesto. You are a bad bunch of people, you have given me an addiction and then snatched it away. I am broken and destroyed and now the only thing that can make it right is if the guy down the street in the boarded up house sells salt and vinegar flavored crack.

A rebuttal

This rebuttal is for the people that wrote to me after my last post. I am going to clarify some statements. So to begin with. Please note that I did refer, not only to Bush, but to all the morons in control. Said morons include a huge section of our backwards political system. We are governed by people, people are inherently corrupt, IE., our government is corrupt. These are business men and women that have gotten into office and are now politicians. Think back to the last store manager you worked under and then picture that jackass in control of the Senate, if it doesn't send shivers down your spine then you never worked for Home Depot. As for terrorism, well, it is as real as we make it. Go talk to a guy that grew up around it, talk to someone from El Salvador or Nicaragua, they will tell you all about terrorism and fear and maybe you will not be so scared of the bogieman around the corner for a while. Terror is a feeling, if you don't feel it, it's not working. That is why we are at war with "Terror" and not a specific country, if you can show me the congressional okay to go to war with Iraq, well, then I will remit what I say but you can't because there isn't one. It's the same as Vietnam, war was never declared on Vietnam, that is why it is historically called a "police action". I would also challenge anyone who thinks we are fighting the good fight against terrorists, which our government has sworn to wipe out, to then read just a little bit about what the Rwandan militia has been doing to the people of the Congo for decades. Read about the rapes and murders of women and children, the absolutely horrible atrocities inflicted on these people and then you tell me why America hasn't helped them out recently. I have a good memory, unlike most Americans, and I remember horror stories about that part of the country back when I was six years old. As for the threat of other countries wanting us dead, people have been out to kill us all for years, in the 80's it was the Russians and in the 60's it was Cuba. America has been to war against Mexico, hell we even fought ourselves. So was the burning of Atlanta a terrorist act or was it just part of the Civil War? I have people threaten to kill me at least once a month at work. Is that terrorism? On a final note, when I bring up Bush, people still say would you rather have that pussy John Kerry in office? Well I make it a point to not trust business men or politicians, so I would rather have a deaf mute atheist as Pres., the kinda guy that would shut up and get the job done with the least amount of wasted human lives. However in the interest of putting this "pussy" argument to bed, I would like to say the following. John Kerry was awarded Three purple hearts, a silver star and a bronze star for his actions as part of a swift boat crew in Vietnam. Around the same time, Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard, he was assigned to Ellington Air force Base. Bush never went to Vietnam, this was during a time in our history that more than eleven thousand pilots were called up for duty overseas. I think a President with no apathy towards the men and women that are fighting his fight is a dangerous thing. As far as our rights being infringed upon, it isn't bad yet but it will get there if we let it. Just read this from the pages of the Reichstag Fire Decree and tell me it doesn't shake you up a bit inside.

Articles 114, 115, 117, 118, 123, 124 and 153 of the Constitution of the German Reich are suspended until further notice. It is therefore permissible to restrict the rights of personal freedom habeas corpus, freedom of opinion, including the freedom of the press, the freedom to organize and assemble, the privacy of postal, telegraphic and telephonic communications, and warrants for house searches, orders for confiscations as well as restrictions on property, are also permissible beyond the legal limits otherwise prescribed.

And lastly, just a snippet from John Adams, from a letter to his wife Abigail, written November 2nd 1800, "I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this House, and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise men ever rule under this roof." Just so you know that was about the White House...

Don't make us feel stupid.

I like to make jokes on stage about Bush, I think he is wonderful fodder for comedy flak. I mean we have had moron Presidents before but never to the level of this guy. I have been trying a few different jokes lately. I only have 500 days left of the moron-athon and really want to get as much out of it as I can. Kinda like dating a hot nymphomaniac with a bomb in her chest, you know, get it while you can. Now I really wish there was a shorter period of time with our Pres. 500 days seams like forever when you are dealing with an idiot. The sad part is that, while I make jokes at his expense, I have been hounded by people who don't want me to joke about him. Just recently I had a man tell me that, even though he did not approve of Bush anymore, he felt that making fun of him on stage was like talking down to people who voted for him in the first place. He went on to tell me that it made him and others like him feel stupid for voting for Bush originally. Here's my point of view, Bush is a bad person and a bad President. Under him the Constitution and the Bill of Rights have been raped and nullified. He and his entire cabinet are foul beings dredged up from the depths of the Skull and Bones to ruin our country and what it used to stand for. If jokes at his expense make you feel stupid, well, that is kind of the point. We will never get this guy out of office if people that originally got him in don't wake up to their mistakes. How can he have an approval rating below 20% and still be in power? I thought a Democrat Senate was gonna do something about this but as Senator Craig and all the other recent scandals have shown us, the Senate is just as corrupt and stupid, just as human as the rest of us. Plus any amount of people with so much dirty laundry as our Senate and Congress, can easily be controlled by people with information. It is time we woke up and felt a little stupid, so we can wash away the past and start over. Our country is in the hands of idiots and evil little men and women that don't care about us. So if you can't take a joke, bite me! We don't live in an Orwelian control state yet but the checks in the mail.

It's been a while...

It has been a bit since I have really talked about politics so I would say it's about time I said some stuff. The Presidential election is coming up and, if we can avoid some ridiculous hoax fronted by the Bush administration in order to keep them in power, our White House will soon have a new idiot, phony or flat out liar at the helm. I would like to take this opportunity to get to know some of the candidates. First off, Hillary Clinton. They say Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned and was this Maniacal, seething, hell bitch was scorned? Boy howdy was she ever, and not just in private but instead, in front of the whole world. She was publicly burnt by her chubby chaser husband and she most likely wants to burn the men of America on pyres made of cigars and semen stained dresses. Then you have Barack Obama, sure he has charisma but I haven't heard him say anything that intelligent since he has gone on the circuit. It's funny, he was loved by many for his out spoken ways and now that he is a Pres candidate, he just seems to be spitting the same rhetoric that the Democrat speech writers always spew out. Can't these guys come up with some new material? They are probably the same writers that gave the world Full House and Step by Step. Two shows that made me about as sick as Obamas recent debates. Now I would like to move to old Rudy (I'm connected) Giuliani, Okay you held a city together in a time of turmoil, but wait, isn't that the same city that you helped turn into Disney World on Broadway? Don't get me wrong, New York became a safer place under him, oh wait, actually the FBI will tell you the violent crime rate is still rising in NY, it's just less newsy. Also, he looks like a frog, not that I don't like frogs, I just don't trust them to make good decisions. Then there is John McCain, I hope the Silver Fox club remembers the "Keating Five" and all those elderly folk that lost money because of this giant douche. How he can possibly be running for office after all that is truly a monolith in commemoration of American, laziness and stupidity. We also have a Senator Mitt Romney. He is a Mormon. It is against his religion to drink coffee. It is against his religion to drink booze. We already have an insane evangelical in the White House, we sure as hell don't want a Mormon in there either. You remember that rule about not mixing church and state? Why do they never do that?

Booze!

You know I did three blogs last week about things I like and I didn't cover the best subject of all. So I figured I would come back and just say a few words about booze, in the format of a love letter.

Dear Booze:

God I love you, I know it has only been a few hours since we were last together but it already feels like an eternity. Yes that sounds corny but I can't help it, when I am around you I feel complete and when you're gone, I just feel like part of me is missing. We have been together a long, long time, I remember when we met I was 14. Wow have we really been together for 20 years? Time flies when you're in love. It amazes me that most relationships die out after only months but ours has been going strong for so, so long. We were both so immature back then and we have grown together, strengthening each other. Booze I love you. Don't get me wrong I don't need you, I could even live without you if I wanted to but, I believe we both know I don't have to. You would miss me and I would miss you. Sure we have had our hard times, you have even made me sick, at times, for days. I always got better though and have never blamed you, it was usually my fault really. People say love is blind and maybe that is why I have walked into so many inanimate objects when I have been with you. At any rate Booze, I know I am not the only one you have been with since we met, in fact I know you have been with every one of my friends and their friends and so on. You skipped a lot of Mormons though and that is something. You are a dirty, cheating, slut, whore, that has burned me and ruined gigantic chunks of my life, some of which I can't remember clearly Booze and I love you for it. I don't know if I am gonna even give you this note, Oh hell I am late picking you up, see you soon.
All my love...

I like booze