A letter to that guy at the door of my bar.

Dear Mr. Guy at the door of my bar last night.

I want to say this in a way that doesn't really hurt your feelings but I can't really think of one. Well, here goes anyway. I understand that a city, any city can be a lonely place to be. You are away from your friends or your family and making a connection, even a small one, with someone else can make a hell of a difference but I have to tell you this. Speaking louder than other people during a conversation that you are only a participant in is not a good way to keep people interested in you. You weren't in the bar long enough to be as drunk as your vocal volume would denote. You are probably just a loud person. Being loud does not validate your argument either, if anything, it makes you seem overbearing. Being loud also doesn't make you attractive to the opposite sex. Now maybe some desperately lonely women have taken interest or pity upon you for your obvious and various social ineptitude but I am sure even those occurrences are few and fleeting. Yet, each time you wake up sticky and confused about how you scored such a forth rate piece of tail, that experience actually bolsters your ego for the next damnable visitation on someones favorite water hole. Mr. Guy, do you not realize that being wrong, no matter the volume of your conviction, is still wrong? I am referring to factuality and not mere opinion. I can state to you that I like grapes, let's say. Now, if you come back and say I don't, that is stupid, perhaps I could eat a grape and you would have to face the fact that, yes indeed, I do like grapes. Instead of shaking your head in amazement of the fact however, a person like you would continue to say in a loud voice,"NO YOU DO NOT LIKE GRAPES, YOU ARE ONLY EATING THEM TO PROVE ME WRONG, I DO NOT LIKE GRAPES AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE"! Apparently, in that strange and bad place that is your mind, saying it loudly make lies more true than quietly stated facts could ever be. I have heard your life story Mr. Guy and let me tell you how it works out. You have been divorced more than once. Why? Not because women are heartless and evil and all they want is hurt the tender hearted sad clown you are but because you have probably never shut up long enough to hear what they were complaining about. An amazing thing I have discovered about many women is that if you listen to them, they stay around for a while longer than if you don't. That is probably part of the reason you have lost in love so many, many, many pathetic times. Now as far as friends go. They actually like to be heard too. A conversation between friends is a wonderful thing and if it is balanced and fun it keeps you interesting and friends interested. Now, if you never shut up friends eventually realize what a dick you are and they piss off, somehow none of this is your fault. Well, in reality it is almost all your fault so here is my advice to you Mr. Guy. When you meet someone new and you have something to say, say what you have to and then shut up. If you are eating or drinking, maybe you don't need to talk right away, so shut up. If your wife has a problem, shut up. I could go on forever but I hope you understand, take five seconds out of your day and shut up, it will make you a little more likable and a lot less kill worthy. Now get out there and shut up!

Ah Halloween

Call it what you will, The day before All Saints day, Samhain, Hop-tu-Naa. Believe it is the devils day or just plain old good fun and tradition. Carve up your mangelwurzel, beet or pumpkin and pay tribute to the legend of old Stingy Jack or just use this occasion to purchase inexpensive pie filling. Halloween means many different things to many different people, There are people who take this day as a day to dress up like there favorite monster or movie star and escape the sad reality of their own lives. It is also the day in which many men dress up like women and some of them look too realistic and well prepared. There is nothing wrong with this, for it gives that man a brief escape from his normal routine and it gives his friends years of sarcasm to use when he is trying to pick up women at bars. What does Halloween mean to me? Well, not much really, I have always found the Mexican festival Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead, to be more my speed, not for the celebration but because I really like tequila. I would, in fact, much rather have a shot of tequila than a candied apple any day. The thing I like best about this holiday however is the simple fact that on Halloween in America, Hot chicks dress up like complete sluts. Yes, whether it be the hot business woman that decides she wants to be a hot cat woman with big tits, or the teacher that decides she wants to be a superhero with super cleavage, all these costumes are good reasons to live this holiday. Look, over there, Ally McBeal with bigger hoots and a shorter skirt and there is Wonder Woman, leaving very little to wonder about. Yes Halloween is all about the T&A for me and that might make you think I am a sexist pig and you would be partially correct but it isn't my fault, the fault lies with a woman. Yes years ago a mistress came into my life. Clad in black silk and lace, her body built like a 56 Buick, sleek lines, lots of power and a big, curvy front end. She ruined Halloween for me making me think of breasts before bon-bons. Her name was Elvira and she is also the reason I like to watch horror movies naked in a cold room. Take that my readers imaginations!

Wow blog 200

This is the 200th blog I have written since I began this silliness almost a year ago. If you read this blog anywhere other than my Blogspot account the number may not be that high, but it still counts. So what shall I write about with for this milestone event. I think I will have to write about the fires in San Diego County. Nothing political about how our National Guard is depleted, needlessly sent to Iraq, so the fire that should have been well expected, couldn't be fought properly. Thank you very much Bushies. I will not argue cases for prevention or the fact that people keep landscaping with eucalyptus plants, which are an incredibly flammable kinda plant. No, for blog 200, I am gonna talk about people who are insane about biblical signs. As you must know by now, Southern California is ablaze. I come from a forest area of Minnesota and have seen a fire or two, also I have started a few, but I have never seen anything like this. Last night, October 22nd, 2007, I watched a mountain burn. Mt San Miguel can easily be seen from Near my house in San Diego and last night it was on fire baby. I got home early for a Monday night and so I popped on over to the liquor store where I bought a disappointing bottle of wine and then, off to my house to watch Miguel burn. While at the booze shop, I ran into a fellow. He was in his bathrobe and slippers, he was also purchasing two, single bottles of very cheap beer. I was discussing the view from the highway with the owner of the store when the man in the robe said,"this may be the end of days". Now far be it from me to disregard the wisdom of an alcoholic in a bathrobe but I do not believe that the biblical Armageddon could possible start in California. I am no bible scholar but I have always had a firm belief that the end would start in Frankfurt, Germany. Those people gave us the hotdog, the most demonic, yet tasty snack known to mankind, next to the Twinkie but you can't buy those at ball games. The hotdog is the devils chosen food and it has killed more men than any earthly war. Enough of my footlong prophesies of doom. Now crazies from all over town are telling me this is the vengeful hand of god coming to smote us. I have tried to explain that San Diego is no where near Germany and about the followers of the ancient Cult of Braunschweiger but they all looked at me like I was crazy, Idiots. Anyway, I got to witness an awesome force of nature that made my heart skip and my eyes water which rarely happens these days. Awesome!

Will he be known as David Coppafeel from now on?

I think it is gonna be a tough row to hoe. I am referring of course to the FBI's investigation into David Copperfield's alleged sexual assault case. Not a lot of details are being released, so far you can only find out that and as of yet, unidentified woman has made claims that Copperfield,"forced himself upon her". The FBI has searched his warehouse facility and one of his homes seeking evidence to support her claim. You have to appreciate how hard it is gonna be for them to find anything. This guy made the Statue of Liberty vanish for god sake, I think he can hide a small amount of dirty clothing. What about the hypnosis thing? Man he could probably just attack you and next thing you know, you see a shiny watch and blam-o, you can't remember anything and wonder how you got crabs. This guy could do just about anything and get away with it. He could easily deal with testifying witnesses. I saw him turn a woman into a tiger on stage. Women can talk but tigers can't. Plus who is gonna believe that anyone could sexually assault a tiger? No one, that's who. Copperfield could be guilty but he is gonna walk away from this one unless someone does something. I thing the old adage "to catch a thief, use a thief", works in this case. The FBI should get Penn and Teller to help them out. They know how the magic works and I am positive that, with their help, the evidence would not go missing for long. I think there is a lesson to be learned from all this though and it isn't just to be afraid of magic but, more importantly, don't ever let your guard down around a full grown guy with a mullet, or as I like to call it trailer rape hair.

I am always amazed.

SO it turns out that there is a trailer park near St. Petersburg, Florida, wherein 95 of the 200 tenants are registered sex offenders. How the hell can that be. Aren't trailer parks bad enough without the majority of the trailer park association being rapists and baby diddlers? The worst part about the story I was reading is that one of the guys was complaining about his rights. Look, I realize that the American Judicial system is flawed but if you are a registered sex offender in most states, you did something to earn the title. In a perfect world, i would have a pool fulla bitches and would be shot in the head and thrown in a really hot furnace, burn, burn, burn, end of you, end of problem. That's not the way we do things around here though so you can live in your molester Shangri-la, just don't whine about your rights. I would hate to be a paperboy in that neighborhood man. This would be a perfect place to start up my "Exploding Decoy Sodomy Baby" baby rape defense system. It is basically just 30 pounds of mid-grade plastic explosives that have been molded into a child shape with triggers on the genital area. I got the idea from Caddyshack, you know the part with the gophers. Since I am on the subject of molesters I also have to talk about priests again. The California Arch-Diocese has not only sold off some of the property they own to pay their dirty finger money. Now they have the balls to ask their parishioners for money. They are sending letters to one hundred thousand San Diego county Catholics to ask for donations. What kinda nuts do these guys have? First they knowingly cover up the crimes. Then, when caught and convicted, they sell properties like nuns homes and schools. Now they have the cajones to ask people who didn't molest children or help cover it all up, for money. How the hell is the Catholic church still so big? As if the inquisition wasn't enough to shake peoples faith or even the crusades but this is ridiculous. Can we please stop coddling baby rapers and just kill them for the sake of the gene pool and humanity?

On the topic of greatest hits.

No, no, no, no, one thousand times over, no! You can should not be able to do it. It should be stopped. Making a greatest hits album when you have only been around for a few years and have only put out crap. It should be illegal. I was just reading the news and found out that the Spice Girls are releasing a greatest hits album. The Spice Girls? How is it that we have reached a point in the music industry that any fly by night, crap band can have a greatest hits album? Godsmack has a greatest hits album and they suck nuts. Creed has a greatest hits album and they suck the nuts Godsmack turns down. How the hell can this continue? Look I hate a lot of bands that people call classic, Led Zepplin, The Eagles, The Grateful Dead, yes I hate them all but at least, when they made greatest hits albums, they had been around long enough to deserve the title greatest hits. You retarded bastards in the music industry. Why don't you just do us all a favor and eat some red hot, molten poison, die, die, die! Stop making those horrible, So That's What I Call Music compilation albums and that creepy Kids Bop garbage. Grow some integrity and stop trying to squeeze every tiny penny you can out of every lousy band you sign to one of your shit-stain contracts. Above all, stop killing the once proud ideal of a greatest hits album, let bands earn them. Look at Creed, the Spice Girls, Godsmack, all that garbage. Don't you have to have at least one good song before you can be called great? While I am on the subject, nothing, and I mean nothing from Aerosmith's Pump album should have been allowed on their greatest hits album. After they recorded Janie's got a gun, they should have done the honorable thing and committed ritual suicide with a three foot long heroin needle. Also, the Red Hot Chili Peppers should never be allowed an award for any song with the word California, or any allusions to living in said state, Freaky Styley, Uplift Mofo Party Plan, Mothers Milk, and the original self titled and that's it everything else is garbage-amundo as Fonz would say. That is my music though of the day.

My new band.

Since it seams music is not going to get any better in the near future, I have decided to give up and cash in on the industry. Yes, I know it is selling out but I think I want the money and comfort that comes alone with it. I decided that my band will be a fusion of Goth and Emo with just a hint of heavy industrial. It will be fondly reminiscent of the 1983 Ministry release, With Sympathy, only not as heavy. I think this is the type of band I need to really get a strong fan base without going over board and having the fan super structure cave in on itself. Of course to survive in this market I will need to write very deep lyrics, there are so many intelligent people in the world today and they demand some wicked smart lyrics with heavy, emotional undertones. Lyrics like, " black nails running crimson slashes down her alabaster back, I am darkness, I am hunger, I am the devils shrimp fork and you are his prawn". Deep huh? Then you need political lyrics. like I wrote for the song "White House, Black Heart", really intense stuff their too. You need to have emotional songs about sex too, in the song "Crygina", I write," Salty tears fill my navel. Am I man? am I woman? Enormous clitoris, or just half a male?" I really think the kids of today will accept these lyrics. I also get into some deep family issues in the song "Uncle Badlap". The biggest part of the band is that I need a good name that really hits home with the kids. It has to have duplicity, it needs to say I am soft and hard at the same time. After many strained hours of deep thought, I came up with the name "Shit Stained Glass Window". What an amazing name, don't you think? Stained glass is beautiful and expensive but if you smear feces on it, it becomes cheep and ugly. Feces can be hard or soft, unbendable or as malleable as Play-Doh. And Glass, well that starts out as sand, then becomes liquid, then solid, wow deep stuff there. So that is all set up, I just have to get the band together, start practicing, lose 75 pounds, buy some tight, black Levis, learn to cry and get those recording contracts out there. It's gonna be so cool to be 34 years old and play in a rock band. Thank you Bow-Flex.

I am a visionary baby!

Forecast: Sex and Marriage With Robots by 2050.

that is the headline on Foxnews.com's, Science Live section. I told you, I told you all. The push for sex robots just needed a little backing and here we are to day, looking at a better future for all. Yes, imagine the world of tomorrow, going to shows to see the newest concept cars and, of course, concept sex robots. Recently several car companies released their plans for the vehicles of 2050 and right on their heals, Japanese robo-technologists reveal the fact that they are working on relationship compatible robots. I think that 2050 is a bit of a wait for the robot sex though, I think we need to push it up a bit but it is a step in the right direction. So hooray and hazzah. So with the robot sex story out of the way, I can tell you why this headline bugs me. Marriage? Why would people marry their robo-whore? I just don't get it. You go to the sex robot store and you find a hot sexy robot, purchase it and take it home. The two of you engage in some of the low down dirty and, after a few months you realize you are in love with your sex robot. So you hop in the car, drive on down to Massachusetts and tell the local Justice O' the Peace that you want to get hitched to your sex robot. After a short ceremony that would go something like this.
JOP: Do you, Carl, take this sex robot to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Carl: I do...(retarded empty smile)
JOP: And do you, sex robot, take Carl to be your lawfully wedded husband?
SR: Beep.
JOP: I now pronounce you husband and sex robot wife you may kiss the robo-bride.

Six months later where are you? Sitting on your couch in a wife beater, watching television, robo-wife is in the kitchen, beeping at you while you try to catch the play by play of the game. You feel like half a man ever since you guys had that big fight when you looked at that other sex robot on the street. You know, the newer model with the breast upgrade. The fight got pretty bad and you ended up loosing your cool and having a black eye installed on your robo- wife. Why was she so mad anyway? Maybe it is because, since you got married, she hasn't been downloading as many sex programs as she used to. Maybe the cellulite implants on her thighs weren't the best idea. Whatever the reason, you just aren't happy anymore and she won't stop beeping at you. Then one day it happens. You have a little too much to drink, she makes a sexy move in the bedroom but you are too tipsy to achieve an erection. She beeps mockingly at you, beeps about you not even being a man. Well, that is the last beep she will ever make and, in a drunken rage, you smash her plastic skull with your bedside lamp. That's when you realize what you did. What now? "Oh my god", you panic "I killed my wife". Terrifying visions of being locked up in prison and being the arian brotherhoods sex robot. So you do the only thing you can do, tie a sheet into a noose, throw it over the second floor railing and jump. A quick snap and it is all over as your last earthly thought trickle down your leg. Of course that was a stupid thing to do because you only broke a robot that you were stupid enough to marry. I guess my point is this. Marriage is bad but sex robots are oh so wonderful.

Damn it!

So the morning news once again hands me evidence of my failure. This morning I woke up feeling mountain fresh and well rested, calm as the Buddha, I flick on the morning news and what do I get? Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Damn it! Once again, I didn't win and, as usual, the committee didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face or even call. It's just like the last two Nobel Prize's I was up for. What is so hard about calling? I don't get it. Can't they afford just one call from Oslo? Cheapskates! And what did Gore win for? Making people aware of global warming, how hard is that? I am aware of temperature change every time I go out side, big deal. What about my Waffles for the Homeless initiative? That is years ahead of it's time. Not only does it supply a well balanced food supply to the homeless, you also can throw them like frisbee discs at the homeless to brighten your day. It's win-win, you go to work happy and relaxed, maybe with an anecdote about how one bum jumped high in the air and caught the waffle with his/her teeth and the bums are well fed and carbed up for a days panhandling. This feels just like last year when that young go getter, Roger Kornberg, won with his little DNA coding blahdeblah. I think many people on the board felt that my 'subatomic destabilization and acceleration of Mentos particles in a Diet Coke field', thesis was far more enlightening. As usual though, the award follows the money and let me tell you, it's no surprise to see a biology professor driving a half million dollar McCleren. And of course I must revisit my 2004 disgrace at the hands of Linda Buck and Richard Axel, when they used shameless sex and blackmail to surpass my attempt at taking the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, with my discovery of the Hot/Crazy gene in women. Well that's about all I can take, one more shot next year. But if my paper, 'Straight Pimpin, Saving the economy through prostitution', doesn't win the Economics catagory, well then I am just done.

Silence is golden.

My mom used to say that to me when I was a child. I would be running around the house, screaming at the top of my lungs and she would smack me and say something like," Settle down you maniac, stop making such racket, remember, silence is golden". To this day I am baffled by this series of words. How odd parents are. My mom would get my hopes up, I would settle down and think, "Golden? I shall be silent then and, when I get my gold, I will buy my own place and make all the noise I want. Also, there will be no wooden spoons in my place, so when my mom visits, she doesn't have anything to smack me with". I would be silent for minutes at a time yet no gold would come. I tried several approaches to this idea. I even went as far as visiting a kid in my school that was a deaf mute. I was sure, if silence were truly golden, this kid would be swimming in a money bin, reminiscent of Scrooge McDucks. But, to my chagrin, he was poor as well, in fact, it seemed that his family had less money than mine. That made no sense to me, I needed to find more information, I also needed to go find a rich person. There was a girl in my school that was one of the loudest, most irritating blab machines you could imagine and she always bragged about her daddies money. That seemed odd to me, "if silence is golden, how can she be rich? " I needed to find out, so I went in search of her home. I never found it. I grew up in a very small town and this girl walked to school, so she must have lived close by but I never found her house. I was concerned about this and very confused until one fateful day, I flipped on my TV and watched the film,"Darby O'Gill and the Little People". Silence is not golden, you just need to be quiet in order to sneak up on leprechauns, once you capture one you cam wish for gold. As for the mystery girl and her elusive home. She didn't have one, she was a Banshee. A young and temperamental one at that. She was obviously protecting the pot o' gold somewhere in my home town. Years later I would disprove my own theory when, at a high school party, I tried to banish her to the netherworld using a Bic lighter and two pints of crushed garlic. She wasn't a banshee, just a bitch. Anyway, live and learn I guess.

Zombie Tornado.

I think that the time has come wherein Americans can finally embrace a movie such as Zombie Tornado. It would be great. It would have to start out somewhere in the Mid-West. Say at a tornado research lab in Southern Illinois. During a test in which the scientists are checking a tornadoes reaction to radioactive waste a massive class five touches down and assimilates the waste into itself. It then crosses into a nearby graveyard and then into a small town. The radiation effects the corpses and towns people and turns them into zombies. The radioactive tornado will not stop whipping and now it is heading for downtown Chicago. The tornado leaves a wake of destruction as it launches flesh eating zombies across the landscape. The story would need a hero and you know it has to be Samuel L Jackson and a heroine, some hot chick with big bosooms and no real problem doing a shower scene. I think the climax of the movie would have to take place in Soldier Field, which is where they would lure the tornado using all the brains from a nearby medical lab as bait. Then, using the natural winds of Chicago, our heroes would make their way into the radioactive eye of the storm and find a way to destroy it and the zombies. That part of the plot hasn't been figured out yet but I think it can be worked in later. So that's it America. Are you ready for Zombie Tornado? Terror at 300 miles per hour! Your fear barometer will rise! The winds of evil are blowing!

Our kids is learned good.

Yesterday i purchased a copy of he San Diego Union Tribune, i wanted to do a crossword and check football stats, there is no other reason to purchase this drivel since most US newspapers are just reprints of AP wires or so horribly skewed by the owners politics, that reading the news from them is painful at best. Yesterday got me though. The lead article was about testing in schools. It seems some of our local school districts would like to be able to test kids out in English and Spanish. Now, does that mean that children will have to learn to be bilingual, would the American kids get tested in Spanish and the Mexican kids get tested in English? No, of course not, that would be hard to do and take too much time. the much simpler answer is to have the Mexican kids get tested in Spanish and the American kids tested in English. That will not only make the school boards seem more progressive but, it also helps keep a definite rift between the cultures. I do so hate people who hide their laziness behind a wall of pretend political correctness. I am all for being bilingual, I wish that I was forced to learn another language or two when I was a kid. In the time when I could easily absorb that kind of knowledge and retain it. Instead I am now a mono-linguist that suffers the average amount of trouble ordering tacos that many Americans my age have. This Spanish testing crap is just that, a load of crap. If you are a teacher and your kids don't understand English, it is your job to teach them English. Now I know this will piss some people off but I will say it anyway. If you go to school in American you should have to learn English! That is a point I must set my foot firmly down upon. I can not think of any country in the world wherein you can go to their public schools and not know their language. You have to know yours and learn theirs, not only is that good for you but it is just plain common courtesy. The idea behind the whole Melting pot statement from way back was that people would move here and assimilate into the country, it's not supposed to be the other way around. You can already take your drivers test in four or five non-English languages, which is helpful since all road signs are in English. You know if this passes, our already strained school system will have an even harder time when you have to have classes in the national languages of every country that emigrates to America. This country will just become one big, flat Tower of Babel. Isn't it confusing enough in this country just trying to understand people from the South?