A letter to that guy at the door of my bar.

Dear Mr. Guy at the door of my bar last night.

I want to say this in a way that doesn't really hurt your feelings but I can't really think of one. Well, here goes anyway. I understand that a city, any city can be a lonely place to be. You are away from your friends or your family and making a connection, even a small one, with someone else can make a hell of a difference but I have to tell you this. Speaking louder than other people during a conversation that you are only a participant in is not a good way to keep people interested in you. You weren't in the bar long enough to be as drunk as your vocal volume would denote. You are probably just a loud person. Being loud does not validate your argument either, if anything, it makes you seem overbearing. Being loud also doesn't make you attractive to the opposite sex. Now maybe some desperately lonely women have taken interest or pity upon you for your obvious and various social ineptitude but I am sure even those occurrences are few and fleeting. Yet, each time you wake up sticky and confused about how you scored such a forth rate piece of tail, that experience actually bolsters your ego for the next damnable visitation on someones favorite water hole. Mr. Guy, do you not realize that being wrong, no matter the volume of your conviction, is still wrong? I am referring to factuality and not mere opinion. I can state to you that I like grapes, let's say. Now, if you come back and say I don't, that is stupid, perhaps I could eat a grape and you would have to face the fact that, yes indeed, I do like grapes. Instead of shaking your head in amazement of the fact however, a person like you would continue to say in a loud voice,"NO YOU DO NOT LIKE GRAPES, YOU ARE ONLY EATING THEM TO PROVE ME WRONG, I DO NOT LIKE GRAPES AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE"! Apparently, in that strange and bad place that is your mind, saying it loudly make lies more true than quietly stated facts could ever be. I have heard your life story Mr. Guy and let me tell you how it works out. You have been divorced more than once. Why? Not because women are heartless and evil and all they want is hurt the tender hearted sad clown you are but because you have probably never shut up long enough to hear what they were complaining about. An amazing thing I have discovered about many women is that if you listen to them, they stay around for a while longer than if you don't. That is probably part of the reason you have lost in love so many, many, many pathetic times. Now as far as friends go. They actually like to be heard too. A conversation between friends is a wonderful thing and if it is balanced and fun it keeps you interesting and friends interested. Now, if you never shut up friends eventually realize what a dick you are and they piss off, somehow none of this is your fault. Well, in reality it is almost all your fault so here is my advice to you Mr. Guy. When you meet someone new and you have something to say, say what you have to and then shut up. If you are eating or drinking, maybe you don't need to talk right away, so shut up. If your wife has a problem, shut up. I could go on forever but I hope you understand, take five seconds out of your day and shut up, it will make you a little more likable and a lot less kill worthy. Now get out there and shut up!