Cool Billy street preacher

Okay I keep running into these petty annoyances on the streets of San Diego and they have really begun to overwelm me so I will write about them. I have seen many types of street preachers in my life, everything from the kindly, old bible jocky on the corner who simply wants to have a discord about beliefs, to the raging lunatic on a building ledge holding an ancient, and worn King James bible in his hand while he yells to pedestrians about the virtues of a vegan diet (really). Now, however, I am seeing a horrible thing on the streets of my beloved, adopted city. I am seeing a sickening increase in young street preachers. These are the guys and gals who walk about our cities and try to save our immortal souls from the grips of evil but unlike decent street preacher and doorway evangelists, they do not have the decency to give you the proper warning signs of a possible theological discussion, IE, holding a bible, wearing a tie or a bicycle helmet (bicycle helmet laws, by the way, I believe are funded by the Mormons as a way for them to blend into the normal daily traffic of a city and my belief will be noted when a country wide uproar for cyclists to wear white short sleaved shirts and black ties is put into motion) or simply asking you if you're interested in talking biblical for a bit. No, these little imps try to blend in to our scenery and catch you off gaurd, they wear "urban" clothing and try to talk in a language that they have, apparently, been told is "street" talk. They can usually fool the unsuspecting long enough to get close, that is when they strike. Usually by using old cocaine logic phrases like,"hey man I party too", or, "bro I have been were you are". they have the idea that they can act cool enough to get under your radar and win you over to their way of thinking. The sad fact is that, if you speak to them long enough, you will find that A) they really have no decent idea what they are talking about and B) their knowledge of the bible is soarly lacking. They go blindfolded and unarmed into a battle of wits that they can not win against people with even the most rudimentry biblical knowledge and when faced with these facts, they tend to become upset and violent. I am no expert in holy writ, that is just not my way but compaired to them I hold the equivelent of a masters degree in theology. After a brief discord with one such fellow, after I explained to him the theory of the blood sacrifice and the cleansing of original sin, which he was not, I geuss, updated on, I was told,"if I wasn't a christian, I would smash your sinner head with a brick", all I could do was giggle and explain to him that my knowledge of bone breaking far exceded my scriptual insight. The best part of these boulevard bible thumpers, is that they seem now, to be employing young women, clad in very provocitive garb, that will flirt with you and then try to save you. Recently, two young women, their breasts slammed together in a way that would make even the most devout monk, wish for a place to hold his pen, tried to tell me that the real pleasures of the flesh, could only be gained through god. That is the equivelent of teasing a ten year heroin junkie with a pound of pure china white and then trying to sell him a loaf of sourdough bread instead. Religion is a good thing for people who want it, it can make even the most savage human being into a good person but it is not cool, it is not sexy and it is above all, not something to be "wrapped" about. Beliefs are not cigarets, there may be a flavour country of the faithful but the Marlboro man is not riding horseback in it.

On the subject of music.

It is an odd truth that when people begin to talk and get to know each other, they start conversations with three basic queries. In any order, Where do you work? That is usually the most obvious one for me since people tend to ask me that very question while I am standing at the door of the pub taking their IDs, in fact I believe this question is regularly directed to people in their places of buisiness, an odd fact but it is an ice breaker that has been trained into the human mindset. It is stupid but I forgive it. The next question tends toward relationship status, IE, are you married or, do you have a girl/boyfriend, usually a part of a get to know you mating ritual, or used by people with sad lives that revolve around their significant other and believe that all people have the same, lack of interesting things in their life, affliction. The third and to me, most annoying, is of the musical persuasion. What kind of music do you listen to, or What bands are you into? The reason I hate this line so much is a varied and deep maze of reasons which I will attempt to put across to you now. What kind of music do I listen to? That should be an easy one, should it not? I listen to the kind of music with instruments in it, pretty astute comment on my part but not wht people want from me I suppose. In hoping to make some sort of connection with me, I believe persons who question me thusly are looking for me to say something like R&B, or tecno but I can not claim that I only listen to one genre or archtype of music. Many people, when faced with this question, like to say the age old phrase,"I listen to a little bit of everything", if that were true you could engage them in a lengthy confabulation, that entered many realms from jazz-fusion to the Auckland armpit Anthem. Mabye you are trying to ask this question of a god like creature who actually does listen to a litttle bit of everything because of his omnipotent eardrums, or simply, a crazy person who has so many noises in his head at the time that he is confused by the question. A definite red flag to this musical third degree is any time, anyone, anywhere uses the word eclectic, this simply put is a way for a person to try and sound intellegent, all the while also saying,"I listen to whatever is on the radio when I drive to work". The ever annoying, "What bands are you into"? An especially annoying line of questioning, is used by people who want to make a very personal connection with you, hoping against hope that you will spill out one of their favorites and you can then become bosom chums and give each other condensed milk massages in the back room of a poorly lit health spa. Musical taste is no basis for a relationship to be founded on, I have dated saveral women in my life and rarely, if ever, have seen eye to eye with them on our melodic strain. Even many of my bestest friends, hold dear, music that to me, sounds much like the caterwauling of mountain lions in heat after accidentally dining on a hippie full of magic mushrooms. I am now regularly annoyed by the fact that younger, want to be street toughs will look upon me in my bouncers garb and say one of the most ludicrous phrases in life which is," I bet you are into real hardcore music". This could be a very astute observation into my being, I infact do enjoy a form of hardcore music. I am refering to the music of the late seventies and early eighties Hardcore movement, bands such as Black Flag, Bad brains, Minor Threat (the three fathers of Hardcore) as well as many of their progeny, DRI, Circle Jerks, Agnostic front, to name a few. The youths who ask me this question never really mean such bands though and will invariably say something horrible like "Yeah, hardcore, like Godsmack or Sevendust". I find these bands to be about as hardcore as a Queen fan at a Depeche Mode concert. I did a search for the word Hardcore on Wikipedia and was horrified to see that there are now so many subclasses of music with the word hardcore in them that it is now a useless and almost dirty word. Such things as Happy Hardcore, which is terrible 4/4 beat wholey repetitious dance music, identifiable by the annoyingly shiny candy flippers who have let processed drugs obliterate any musical taste they may have once had. Then you have Hardcore Emo, a phrase that I thought was a joke, Emo being the paradox to all that is hardcore in my ideals. Were not these same Emo kids the chilldren of the Mods, that the truly Hardcore of the eighties hated so much and would regularly beat on the streets of many american cities? Of course there is the most disliked subclass by myself , which is Christian Hardcore, a conundrum of the highest order. For years I was told that the heavy, violent, thrashing of my some of my favorite bands was evil noise plucked from the devils own bowels. How can you take that same rythm and make it into goody, goody, praise the lord music? The fact that most degenerators of Thrash and Hardcore never listened to the words in the songs, which, for the most part have nothing diobolical to say than stand up against false authority figures and don't trust the government, can now say these people are rocking out for the lord is shear idiocy. In fact they are more or less telling you to obey the government and turn a blind eye to false authority figures because that is what the bible tells you, (which it is not what the bible tells you by the way but that is my next topic). christian Hardcore is just a way for churches to get more teens to go to their "cool" little meeting places "YUCK". In closing I will say I like music it is good but most of it isn't, also, I still hate the Beatles, except for the movie Help which made me laugh when I was a child and really, only Ringo made me laugh, he was the bignosed comic relief to the other, slightly less, bignosed straight men.

Update on my writers block.

So for a few days now I have had a horrible imagination cramp in my brain muscle. I have tried all sorts of combinations of alcheehol and caffeinated beverages, I even sacrificed a goat, only because I was hungry and a goat was to be found. I will say that I am sorry to the family of the goat faced child down the street for the untimely death of their offspring but if you are going to have children, you, as a parent, should not make such delicious kids. I have been wracking my brain to think about things to write about but nothing seems funny right now. Sure there is tons of news I could delve into and there is that big war going on that is still over shadowed by our group innitiative to concentrate on celebrities. I could say some things about the Oscars, like old Marty finally winning, after years of being overlooked by the industry, mabye the Departed wasn't his best work ever but he made the Godfather and he deverves something for the fact that he made one of the greatest movies of all time, does he not? How about the fact that he put Al Pachino and Robert Deniro on the map, that should account for something shouldn't it? Okay I will rant about it for a bit. It seems to me that the good movies always get over looked because they are a bit violent or what have you. Come on, Gangs of New York... Fantastic movie, should have won best picture years back but as usual some awful movie about an ugly woman who does something in history wins, since when does a hot woman making herself look a bit ugly denote good film making? Okay, okay Godfather part 2 sucked but really everything else is pretty good. The dolts on the Oscar commitee got worried about how their ratings have been dropping by leaps each year, so they haul in the genious behind American Idol to liven things up. Oh good, I can't get enough of these boneheads, reality television being the worst thing to happen to our country since we gave doctors the right to vote. Were they planning on waiting till Scorsese was dead to give him one of those posthumous awards that they give people that should have won a thousand times over? Taxi driver, do I really have to say that? I will say it again, Taxi Driver! I will also say this Good Fellas, sure Casino wasn't great but aaarrgggg Good Fellas was a gift from the movie gods, the movie made tiny little smatchets from New York feared in modern society. Even his bad movies were good, The Color of Money, Cape Fear, Bringing out the Dead, all good even for the fact that they were not great. I am done for now, tomorrow I think I will go after popular music, yes that sounds like fun good night.

hello

just ironing out ideas right now I will have something up after work.

On the subject of Tyra Banks.

Okay, I am a red blooded, american guy, I like ladies and am not afraid to say that, in fact I tend to objectify them. Okay, I will restate, I am a red blooded, american, sexist guy. I do not and will not feel bad for looking at sexy women on the street like they are an entree in high heels. I like women, attractive women, ugly, non-attractive women really need not exsist but they do have the wonderful effect of making mediocre women look better but, so does beer and who wouldn't rather have a big glass of beer than a fat glass of ugly lady? I have been objectifying women, at least, since I was eleven years old, thinking for long periods of time about the wonders of their curvy bumpiness and drooling at them like a mountain lion that just walked into a camp for crippled fat kids during a baloney fight. Magazines were also a large part of my objectifying of women lifestyle, they still are in fact. Growing up I really liked the Victorias Secret catalogs, with its pages and pages full of buxom young ladies in scant attire, bits popping out here and there, real good clean toilet reading for a red faced thirteen year old who can't seem to get motor boat sounds out of his head. I am older now and can look upon various sundry, skin mags without blushing or feeling bad. I am a man, I like boobies, I see nothing wrong with that at all and I will not feel bad for it. Now, however, I flip on the TV and what should I witness, a comercial for the Tyra banks show where they are discussing the Beauty of the booty, as it were and talking about how men should accept women as they are. Okay, I believe that everyone has different tastes in mates, I have friends, who swear up and down that big girls rule, were as I would not even condider the potential of the portly. The shear fact that people try to make us feel bad about our mindsets and preferences is stupifying to me. The people who through this rubbish around are usually just trying to make themselves feel better about their own physical problems. Really funny how Tyra didn't seem to care about body image so much until she was slammed in the media as a fatty, how about the armies of ugly people, who daily go on television talk shows and try to tell you that it is inner beauty that matters, not looks. That is great, if you can sit there and say, I love so and so, not because of their physical beauty but because of their personality, well that's great for you and i will let you have all the uncomely MENSA members you can shake a really big stick at. I will remain shallow however, at least until it seems I can't get away with it anymore and I will not feel bad for the ogling I do, it is part of me and my nature. As for Tyra, she was a target of my ogling in the past but now, this wanna be Oprah thing has sickened me, I can no longer look upon her as a lust object, even her old pictures do not turn me on the slightest bit. I find that when one flaw is pointed out to me on someone, others will appear, now when I see tyra even from way back whenever, yes I am sure she looks good but all I see is her giant forehead. I also find it ironic that, after years of being one of the top models in a lingerie catalog that is published soley for hot women and the people that enjoy hot women and the fact that she hosts a television show that takes women and rips them to shreds if they don't fit into the "model standard", that she has the knackers to get verbal with us objectifiers of women astounds me, like she is any better than us. Hell, I'm not even getting rich off of my objectifying but old Tyra is rolling in dough.

Britney Spears shaved her head. Why do I know this?

The fact aside that I haven't even read the news of the day lately, being that it has been all too stupid to read, somehow I am in the possession of an inordinate amount of Britneys shaved head knowledge. I have never been curious as to the Spearsian comings and goings of this Hollywood drama magnate. I really can't even stand the sight of her, she is just a bit to trailer trash for me, mabye she is a merperson. At any rate, I have knowledge of Britneys hair and as detrimental to my own psyche as this may be, it is lodged in my head like a stel spike would be if someone were to lodge a steal spike in my head. I do recall being at my place of work last night as two young ladies discorded about the Hollywood scene, then I remember seeing spots and the smell of burning toast, a slight tinge of pain behind my left eye and then I woke up in my bed. There was some blood dripping from my ear, I can clearly remember my first thought being," Brit shaved her head"? Then nothing again for about an hour. Why is this topic so interesting? I haven't even seen Anna Nicoles autopsy photos yet and everyone is already on to something else, I just don't get it. People just don't have an attention span anymore, they can't stay focused on important matters because they are boring. The boring things tend to be the same things that could cause you a whole lot of unboring trouble in the future, we should watch out more for the boring stuff and discuss less the hair ala Britney. The shear fact that I could absorb this knowledge is beyond my comprehension, yet somehow I did. What is really so strange about a white girl from the south shaving her head anyway? They do it all the time down there, it is not irregular. Wait, I will amend that, the whole of the american south east is irregular. I will now look out my window and point out three things more news worthy that Britneys hair faux pas. 1) Lawn grass, 2) Orange tree 3) Ugly, lumpy nieghbor person, there you are news from my back yard. This is simply a rant that I needed to let out but I have learned some things while typing this rant. First and most importantly, I am out of Liptons cup-o-soup, second, my neighbor is hairy as well and I wish I didn't notice that but it did take my mind off the soup, third, the moment that Marty reads the line, "news from my backyard", he will desperately try to think of a good joke involving my ass. Finally I have remembered that Brit was in the news not so long ago, surrounded by the paparazzi as they caught her in a vulnerable, drunken moment and that is when I realized this, it is not odd that Brit shaved her head, she simply wanted her drapes to match the carpet and she's got marble floors.

Mergrand parents, or The story of the whorey fish people.

Xymyl has asked me to uncover the mystery of why you hear of mermen and mermaids but never mer grandparents or merreletives. After extensive research into merpeople, I have come up with to this stunning conclusion, merpeople are filthy redneck whores. That's right, these half human, under water fish sluts are just like their above water cousins, the North American Redneck. If you have ever been to the deep south of our country, you have most likely run into a few of these kinds of people. You will know them either by sight or by smell, rednecks having a very specific color pattern, usually red and blue with a green or bright orange head dress, also they have very distinctive odors along the lines of motor oil and old soup. You may also recognize their plumage as it is usually in a short, feathery pattern on the sides and grown out long in the back, this signifies readiness to mate in a post adolesent redneck male or female. North american rednecks also have a very close knit habitat that tends towards inter-community, if not inter-family breeding habits. In many southern nesting communities it is confusing to many outsiders, even students of the beasts, as to who are the patriarchs and who are the offspring. In a 1994 study of one particular nest outside of Montgomery, Alabama, researchers discovered, that in a span of three months, it was not uncommon for an adult male to cohabitate with as many as four females, on the average two of these would be close blood relatives, it was believed, it is hard to tell exactly, being that they are so, for lack of a better word, inbred. Now as far as it goes with merpeople Xymyl, the facts can intertwine. Merpeople live in very closed in communities at the ocean floor. The plumage is ussually the same, though it tends toward longer, simply because actual trimming of said plumage is difficult under water, metal rusts quickly you see. What makes tracing the lineage of merfolk even more daunting is the fact that, unlike humans, mers have the genitals of fish, so procreation is done, as fish do, by the laying of eggs that the male will later inseminate. Sadly, in this mad undersea man fish sperm orgy, it is not uncommon for the eggs to be fertilized by more than four to five males who are usually intoxicated on the fermented juices of underwater plants, and as in the above water world, many of these mermen are related to the egg layer. These free radicals tend to cause several birth defects and physical incongruities, which sadly, become worse as the generations pass. Also a common factor in the ocean as well as the south is the pollution and contamination, this causes even more distortions of physical attributes. Scientists are now hoping that, by tracking the geneticly altered and mutated merpeople, they will be able to find commonalities in the subsequent generations, using this data to track and record an actual family tree. If mutation tracking is successful, science may finally be able to answer that ancient question,"Who is my merbabies merdaddy"?

Every day is fat day in New Orleans.

So another Fat Tuesday is upon us and soon all the beer and booby beads and lets not forget boobs themselves, will be flying about. I must say that the French really know how to throw a holiday party. If you look back on things like, Christmas, or Easter, you must admit that you rarely get drunk women flashing their fun bags at you. I am not a huge proponent of the French, no sir, wouldn't mind at all if good ol' Paris, was bombed to cinders and made into a lake but I will thank them for sending over the Le Moyne brothers to hold the frenchies rights to the Louisianne territory. They basically founded Mobile, Alabama, which was the site of the first american Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday, in case you did not know, is the celebration day before Ash wednesday, which is the beginning of the christian liturgical season of Lent. Lent, in some sects of christianity, is a time of fasting and abstinence, usually forty days. Way to go francouis way, way to give those without sin a day to really sin it up prior to going forty days without beef, or having sex with the old lady, you never really had sex with anymore anyway, well, it's the thought that counts, right? Mardi Gras is a huge day for a lot of people, a huge day where if a young man offers his beads in such a way, that he may bare drunken witness to her mammarium gravitous, or breast drop zone. The old time ceremony to ask a maiden to reveal her bossoms is a subtle and delicate one, handed down through several generations of mardi gras visitors, I will describe it to you in the words of Perre Le Moyne d'iberville. " Ferst you are tu take ze beads in your right hend ond old zem tward ze maidien, zen you rise your beer ebove your ed in your left hend ond you make ze WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOing zound, ond you shake ze beads at le' pettite feme und ope zat she will show you er derrty milk jugz". Truely inspiring, is it not? While many cultures, in warmer climates, celebrate this day with drunken debauchery, nudism and violence, in colder climates many christians celebrate with other vices, such as gluttony. For many in people in colder climes this day is known as "Shrove teusday", or "Pancake Tuesday", holiday fanfare will begin with a plate of pancakes stacked as high as they can stand on a plate and after the are eaten and the celebration is full of people in deep states of pancake intoxification (common among scandinavians whose mothers make pancakes out of very volitile mixtures of fermented milks and apple juices), the cooks roll out a plaate of "Devils dumplings", a bosom shaped tart filled with eggnog and lighter fluid. All these foods can be purchased with beads, of course, as is the tradition. I will be at Mardi Gras tonight, not to revel however, I hold a much more important part of the ceremony, I will be standing out side of an Irish pub in the Gaslamp section of San Diego and will be doing my part in the tradition of Fat Tuesday. I am going to be holding true to an old Gaelic Mardi Gras tradition called "Giflez Le Frenchie", or Slap the Frenchie in which I stand in front of a door and smack people who try to get past me to reach my beer supply or my toilets, you do not need to be employed by the bar to take part in this tradiition and are free to join me tonight, to help keep this Gaelic tradition alive and strong. There is an old scandinavian tradition called "Lodden frosk oyne" that men can employ for beads as well but remember to wear loose fitting boxers and a non-complicated pair of pants for this one. Also, to the followers of that crazy lent thing, you have fun tonight because after tomorrow it is a whole hotdogless month and a half for you. Happy fartin' Mardi Gras you rat basterds.

On the topic of killer robots.

I have recently been viewing several futuristic, mostly robot based movies and have become disturbed by a few commonalities. First, many of this genre of film, take a robot and give said robot a human personality, then they give the robot the ability to adapt and learn. The creators of the automated thing-a-majig and this is a text book example of these films, always overlook some flaw in the robots super computer brain, that eventually fissles out and the robot goes all berserko and then, killing spree. Why stop at hyper-intellegent psychopath though? No point in it, no indeed. To make a good robot killer movie you have to do one last thing, you have to give the robot a super strong, metal body. That is the thing that really gets me in these movies. Did the world not learn from Frankenstien? If you are going to make, especially, a prototype robot with human intellegence, would it not be prudent to make its body from styrofoam or a meltible plastic, at least until you got the kinks worked out? No, they always have to go and make the robot out of some super durable, light weight, non-magnetic sort of metal. The robots circuitry is also either not effected by water or it is all inside of some water proof, bullet proof container. This all so stupid and predictable, I never feel sorry for them, those humans deserve to be crushed under the feet of their killer robot. Do the scientists who build these things really think it through? mabye they are just being lazy and trying to avoid problems such as rusting of wear and tear later on down the line but get real. They could at least try and use one of the new plastic polymers that are just as strong as metals but are also meltible, just in case, or how about just a good old off switch? Then, when the robot freaked out and attacked you you could just flick the switch and rework its brain. Hey, I got it, a light board in the robots forehead that spells out what it is thinking, IE. "get humans coffee", or "kill humans now", I don't think that would really be too expesive an addition. How about just really slow robots? If you are gonna make them sentient, why also make them fast? Knowing what I already know about people and how horrible they are, I gotta say that taking a person and giving them super human abilities as well as a metal exo-skeleton would be pretty damned stupid, it would be like putting Pat Robertsons brain in a rhino's body then covering it with a bullet proof shield and letting it loose at a gay rights parade during the democratic national convention. Yes I realize that the entertainment value of this is immeasurable, who can't enjoy a good goaring? but it still doesn't rank up their with the best ideas ever. Well that is just my view on the matter, I hope someone in Hollywood, one day finds the wisdom in all this and writes a new script, instead of just reusing the same one over and over again.

On this our national day of love.

I would like to take this opportunity to say, bite me, too all the Valentines day revelers. I hate you and hope you die. This has got to be one of the most ridiculous and stupid holidays of all of the ridiculous and stupid holidays. I can not fathom this day what so ever, one day out of the year to show that certain someone that you really love them? What about the daily rituals of not smashing their skull with a cinder block, sawing them into sink sized morsels and dropping body parts down your garbage disposal, what about that? Isn't the fact that you spend day after monotonous day, with the same person, watching them age and expand in various and unsexy places and ways, listening to them drone, on and on about their day, even though they have been working the same job for ten years and telling you the same story just as long, isn't that really saying, I love you? How about the day that taught, young girl from Starbucks was flirting with you, what did you do? Nothing, that's what, you could have had sex with her too and you know it. You just sucked it up, heaved out your chest and went home to your same old marriage, who needs physical intimacy? Not you pal o'mine, not you. Since I am on the subject of sexual intimacy, come on is that love anyway? You love your friends but you don't have sex with them, unless you're french i geuss. No your partner through all your troubles in life shouldn't ever have to prove their love with heavy touching, should they? Come on, you're living with your "best friend" and friends don't "do it", they show their love in other ways, like repainting the house every two years, or nagging you to near suicide about how your favorite chair doesn't match the couch, that is what love is. Love also means you don't, under any circumstances, have to take care of your body, no, no, no sir. You are two people in love, it shouldn't matter to either of you what the other looks like, that isn't love, that is just shallow. If you know me, you know what I think of shallow people. I just can't approve of shallowness, especially from ugly people. Well happy, stupid national love day, please remember to always show the people you love, every day, how much you love them, by not killing them.

Answer to a question.

Marty asked me a question about Animal Planet, the network dedicated to pissing off our worlds wildlife. He was wondering why they can't just leave the poor animals alone.
Well Marty, it's simple, it is all due to the world of underground animal sadism, a real bad bunch these guys and girls now too, what with the way times are changing. If prostitution is the oldest profession, well then animal sadism is about the fourth oldest, the practice itself, dating back to the early 600s and I am talkin' BC not AD. The ancient mesopotamians actually used to practice a variety of sadistic acts on animals, they would have monkeys imported from Madagascar, locked up in in yolks and townsfolk would publicly spank them. It was also common, if you had a pet weasel to wrestle with your weasel often, sometimes six or seven times a week. As the practice of animal sadism continued through the ages and like all things it evolved. By the early 19th century, New Zealand became a hotbed of animal sadism, in fact it was very common for several of the countries most prominent business men to stand in the towns square, form a circle and spend an entire afternoon just whacking there wallabys. In a more recent display, a Mr. George Malikaua of Hawaii, was arrested in 2006 for waxing his pet dolphin and then placing it in a small pool, so he could watch the out of control dolphin slam into the sides. On December, 17th, 1909, President Theodore Roosevelt, outraged at the extinction of the North American Pudmouse, placed a ban on animal sadism. In a historic speach to congress Roosevelt stated, " This sick practice must be stopped, the poor animal was pounded to oblivion"! A strange fact is that, even though in most countries animal sadism has been outlawed, in New Zealand it is still all the rage and it is still legal to air and transmit worldwide. So I think that may answer your question Marty, or at least help you to understand a little better, the sickness of our world. If you are interested in helping fight animal sadism there is a yearly boxing tournement held by Bishop Tommy O'flannigan to raise awareness of the perversion. If you are interested in helping out or even fighting, please contact us with a stamped, self addressed envelope to "Beat our Bishop, 11102 Wacker St. suite 102, Chicago, Ill 97101". Thank you again for your concern.

Oh God no... talking urinal cakes.

I can not swing the proverbial cat anywhere with out being reminded of the retard quotient in this country. Last night I was surfing the news and found, in none other than the great state of New York, a company is making and distributing, talking urinal cakes. Yes gents, when you pop off for a quick tinkle next time, you may just have some 'splainin' to do, you might just get nagged by your toiletries, a stream of yellow conscience. Ladies and fellas, I am a drinker and proud of it, on nights when I consume an excess of alchohol, I am intellegent enough to realize it and figure out a new way home. I do not need my urinal cake telling me not to drink and drive, infact, at the urinal is one of those places where guys go to get away from the drinks and just mellow out for a while. I can not for the life of me figure that this is a good idea. When you stand there and unzip, one of the last things you expect to hear is a human voice, think of what this will do to all the schitzophrenics of our world, when their penis's start nagging them not to drink too much. Don't we have enough to concentrate on when we wizz anyway? You have people standing behind you waiting impatiently for you to finish and sometimes criticizing your technique, you usually have at least one person next to you, who decides that this would be a perfect opportunity for a chat about the hardships of pee and of course, the now present fact that men go to the bathrooms in groups to talk to each other like clucking hens,(DIE METROSEXUALS, DIE!) there are so many present distractions that I just don't want anymore. I can't see this cutting down on drinking and driving in our country, I can predict a huge rise in urinal cake theft but I believe there is a better solution than talking man brine. There is also the ever present fear of an electric charge, even a minute one, traveling up the stream and zapping your wiley, a fear that has kept me, not pissing on electric things a good chunk of my life.

The world of breasts mourns a loss.

The entertainment world was rocked last night by the death of former Playboy playmate and large breast owner, Anna Nicole Smith. Smith was found unresponsive in a South Florida hotel last night, she later died. Authorities have not released the cause of death pending todays autopsy but have said she had several prescription drugs as well as over the counter cold and flu remedies. There is much speculation over Smiths death, was it drug related, was it aliens, how are the boobs doing and who is getting them? Lots and lots of questions but to me the answer is right in front of us. This was no simple overdose or a case of taking the wrong prescriptions, no this is obviously the work of the California anti-over the counter cold and flu remedy lobby. Just look at the facts, yesterday I wrote a searing attack on pharmacuetical retailers for not allowing me to buy my cough medicine all at once, I am sure causing panic across the state even to the highest levels of said companies. They would have to act soon but they knew that I was untouchable being a well known writer of a daily blog, so they did the next best thing, they went after a low level pseudo-celebrity that hasn't been in the news much lately and had much media speculation about drug use. They obviously couldn't find Courtney Love, the trail went cold in Florida so Smith became a target of opportunity, also, I believe that the ironic death gods are saving Ms. Love for the day that she and O.J. Simpson kill each other on FOX televisions new reality show "Violent Services to the Public Caught on Tape". Using the ninja skills acrued by all members of high level pharmacuetical companies, they must have snuck in to her room, waited till she was asleep and then slipped her a lethal dose of effervescent cold and flu remedy, knowing full well that you shouldn't mix them with anti-depressants. After dispatching their target, they would then, plant several boxes of various over the counter drugs in the hotel room, in the assassination world this is called the "Monroe effect". I am sure that the autopsy will show massive amounts of cough medicine and hot water soluble drinkables, that is when the clamp down will really start, I suppose the federal government will get involved. Do not be fooled by this smoke screen America, this is just another ploy to control us and keep us just sick enough to not be able to fight when they come to our doors for our other inalienable but somehow difficult to protect, rights.

I have a cold

Okay, okay, so my vacation was cut short, I am back and I have a cold. I am now living in one of North Americas most stable and predictible climates and I have a cold. The illness does not bother me so much, however, since I used to reside in Minnesota,(you can call it Minn-e-Snow-ta if you would like me to remove some of your favorite facial features with a big rock wrapped in burlap and nails), I was used to catching colds and treating them with a mixture of NyQuil liquid murder juice and Alkeseltzer cold and flu wonder beverage. I soon found myself at the local drug store, my fists packed full of various non-herbal, yet wholey legal, cold and flu remedies. I placed my effervescent swag on the counter, betwixt the shopkeep and my self and used a subtle, reaching for my wallet move I had learned from my father, to alert said shopkeep of my plan to purchase said swag. It was, at this point that I was informed that in the state of California (Cal-I-pornia, if you would like your eye sockets raped by a vicious gang of sex crazed squirrels with electric testicals), you can not purchase more than one cold or flu remedy at one time and if I wished to purchase more than one, I would have to ... I hope you are ready for this... I would have to leave the store and come back in to purchase each additional item. The reasoning being that many of these items can be used to make drugs such as, methamphetamines and Kansas City Cocktails ( a whipped, latte like mixture of several cold medicines and house hold cleaners), that is why I could not purchase my happy, fun, sick no more, sleepy time, remedies. Here is my problem with this, they tell you that these drugs can be mixed to make more powerful drugs, okay, yes, that is why I am purchasing them together, I have a job, I need to work for money, hence, I can not really afford to be sick forever. If I can buy all these drugs together, mix them and not be sick the next day, then I can work and make money and pay rent and eat food and on and on like that. My point is I don't really have a whole lot of time to waste to go in and out of a CVS pharmacy buying my supply of therapies, (which is spelled the same as The Rapies, which sounds like a disease you catch in prison) I have a job to go to. Your average drug dealer, mixologist or junkie, usually doesn't have a steady day job, most of his or her day is pretty much taken up finding, selling or manufaturing drugs for the purpose of using them or selling them. It is just exactly these kinds of people, who do have all the time in the world to go in and out of pharmecy after pharmecy,and just, purchase mixers to their hearts content. I am sure that California is not the only state where this stupidity is in flux and it is certainly not the last so let us, one and all, try to stop it. I think the retail credo should no longer be "The customer is always right" and be changed to something like " The customer is not always a junkie, so gimme my drugs you pimpley faced monosylabic turd juggler before I get upset and drive a gas truck through your front window and burn us all straight to Hell in a ball of cleansing fire that can be seen from the surface of the moon"! Sorry I get angry when I have a cold.

On vacation

I am on a sort of leave of absence from my blogs at the moment, recently, I have moved to a different part of the city. I will have my computer up and running soon and will catch up with my various pissings. In the meantime, between now and eventually, I leave, you, my various readers to once again challenge me with topics of conversation. Any subjects will be accepted but not neccesarily written about. Send your topic suggestions to joebjorklund@yahoo.com and I will see what I can do for you. You may also simply put your suggestions in the comment portion of my blog. Thank you.

Doctor Spankenstien: New American Monster.

Under the governorship of the Arnold, California has actually made some daring moves. My adopted state has kept stem cell research in action, even though the federal government banned it, they are trying to make massive reforms to the healthcare system and they are desperately seeking a way to stem the tide of illegal immigration. There are several ideas floating around California that I personally support but, with the wheat, comes the chaff. I could also call it chuff, dingleberries, a stupid, stupid thing. What is this thing of stupid I refer to? Among the many advances this state thinks it is making, some members of it's government are trying to do something really bad. Assembly woman Sally Lieber(D) has is trying to pass a bill that would make it illegal to spank a child, three years old or younger. So what is wrong with that? I know it doesn't sound wrong, after all that protects young children from harm while their bodies may not be able to take punishment but, in our country everything has an underlying agenda and I garauntee you this bill would be just the tip of an iceberg that would make Mckinley say, "nope I really am not in the mood for a climb like that". You see, the second this bill is made a law, some bleeding heart nancy, is gonna stand right up and say something to the effect of, "What about the older children, don't we have to protect them"? From that point on, during election years especially, spanking will become the new smoking, anyone seen even giving their child a slight "reminder" to behave, will be turned into a social periah, forced from his home by the FBI, like he was some kind of culdesac cult leader. The anti-spanking steps would be in place to stem the tide of child abuse but spanking isn't abuse, abuse is abuse, spanking is a warning that, if your not good, abuse could be on its way. As an example from my own life, let me just say this, when I was a child, I was an unstoppable destruction machine, a chubby, blonde cannon ball, with no trajectory. I would break anything I came in contact with, whether it be mine or belonged someone else. I was one of those children who learned very young, that wide eyes and replacing my r's with w's could melt moms heart and keep me out of trouble, my father, however was not so maliable. Dad had a leather belt and he would sometimes hit me in the bare ass with said belt, rarely ? Yes. lightly? Yes. Scare me? Like an army of seven foot tall spiders with erections, on a man rape bender. You see I was a manipulative, controlling, holy terror kind of kid, I could have easily grown up to be a really bad human being. the people who know me and are close to me, most of them have at one or another time, seen my darker side come out and I garauntee you they are glad my dad spanked me. I grew up with a respect for pain that the timeout kids never seem to have and it gets worse every year. This is another part of our human de-evolution that I like to talk about. Survival of the fittest isn't just about medical improvements and technology, it is about toughness and endurance, not to really dwell on the fact that if kids never get hit when young, they don't know what to expect when they get older, I have seen several grown men, thinking they were tough guys, get into fisticuffs with an actual tough person and learn the lesson they should have been taught in childhood...PAIN HURTS! Pain does hurt, that is why it is such a good deterant for people, people feel pain, pain hurts, lesson over. Corporal punishment is legal and should stay that way, if used wisely it can save countless human lives by teaching a young sociopath to be good. If you are a religious person you can go with that whole," spare the rod, spoil the child thing", that is a blattent and biblical call for spanking your kids. If you are a screaming, tree hugger, who believes in kindness to all creatures, well, you are not really fit to reside on an evolving planet so go into the hills with your offspring and worship some dirt. I can not stress enough the importance of spanking your kids and just to truely set this record straight, most of the guys that hang out at bondage and goth clubs, the guys who hide in the corner and try to get people to go home with them and beat them up, those guys didn't get spanked as children.


It is currently not illegal to spank children in any state so far, it is illegal in several states to spank an adult for sexual enjoyment. Our laws are so wierd.

Part 5 of 5, The idiots are in control.

I was shown sent something amazing yesterday and it shocked the near unshockable me. It is a test from 1954, an eighth grade ( I cannot stress the EIGHTH enough), eighth grade civics test, wherein, the children are asked, the cabinet positions and who is holding them, then they must name the provisions to each constitutional amendment, several other questions of the same or greater difficulty and finally they had to write down the preamble of the constitution. There was no multiple choice or any guide to help you along, the entire test was fill in the blank from memory and it was a nutbuster. I pride myself on not being a complete ass head but that test had me wearing my hindend for a hat, toot sweet. Granted I was never the best student when it came to things like school, don't get me wrong, I have and always will, love gaining knowledge but, in a school setting, it always seemed that the teachers just wanted to brainwash me. This test, that you can find at rense.com/general75/pass.htm, showed me something about our world that I was already sure of anyway but it helps me illustrate it to you. What is obvious to me is this, we are bieng dumbed down, if I think back to my eighth grade civics tests, they were nothing like this one. I am not saying that they didn't cover some of these subjects but I can say that the tests weren't that involved, a typical class would involve some reading, a short film about fur traders and a test of relative simplicity. My junior high was one of the better ones too, small town, mostly non-suicidal teachers, acedemic excellence awards on the walls, an actual good school, just not as good as a 1954 school. People continue to live by an ever lowering expectation of intellegence and if their stupidity is brought into question, you are thrown to the wolves for being insensitive toward someones learning disibility. Mabye it isn't the lack of education, mabye it's in our drinking water. Mabye some terrorist organization has been slipping powdered tard extract into our water supply for decades and it is just now, really taking effect. Mabye our own current President, thinking he was about to snort some high end Columbia, accidentally snorted a big fat line of thirteen year old north american mongoloid. That senario could explain quite a bit about our current state in this country, because I am sure that bag of fine grained ignoramous, certainly would have made it around the dorms, forever altering the history of American politics and business. On the other hand mabye the low standards in education these days, are simply in place, because we live in a society that just can't accept criticism and ridicule. You can't call fat people fat, nor stupid people stupid, it is politically incorrect to make a person, who seems to have gone out of their way to be a social reject, feel at all bad about their numbskulledness. Our world has decided that we will aspire to the lowest common denominator, that is where the future is. I would be willing to bet that our Pres would have a hell of a time passing even a short bus version of an eighth grade civics test. He is the best point to ponder about our low standards for intelligence in America. In storys of kings and knights and days gone by, for a man to be king he had to be sly, wise, at all times a step ahead of the people who would dethrone him. In current day America, we have world leaders who can just barely read, the kind of people who squint hard when confronted with a new word, like pants, for instance. Forbid making fun or jesting about the presidents dimness, then you, somehow are not supporting our troops, yet another hurdle placed before those of us who wish to speak up against the hooked on moronics program. I do support our troops, I don't support, suicidal tactics and poorly thought out "strategy", that gets people killed for an unattainible purpose. The President isn't the only chuffskull in a position of power in our country, presidential candidates are elected by their peers and if that thought doesn't put the wind up you, nothing will. If you want this country to stay competitve in our new world market, get back on track with education, start openly, verbally abusing stupid people, do not listen to the media and buy yourself a water purifier, just in case.

Update on last night mooninite events.

Peter Bodovsky and Sean Stevens, were both to be arraigned today, on the same charged of placing a hoax device in a way that results in a panic, both pled not guilty, both were released on $2500.00 bail. Now here is more dumbness. Assistant Attourney General, John Grossman said the devices were "bomb like" and, now this is just a rediculous comment, he stated that if the devices had been bombs, they could have seriously damaged the cities infrastructure. Wow, I can see how he became Assistant Attourney General with wisdom like that, I am blown away, excuse the pun. I gotta say, I wonder how many things in my home right now, could be considered bomblike. Hmmm, well if lights and wires a bomb do make, I geuss, the computer, television, stereo, clock, cell phone, web camers refridgerator, coffee maker, microwave, toaster, fishtank, I could go on and on with this but I digress. If all those house hold items were bombs though they could seriously damage the infrastructure of my apartment, GOOD THING THEY'RE NOT! As some more frosting on an already well iced idiot cake, these devices have been in place for at least two weeks, TWO WEEKS! I geuss I am not an expert on terrorism but I don't think you usually plant tons of explosives in an open and highly visible area, where the population can veiw it easily and you attach lights to it so it's even more visible and then just leave it for weeks on end. If this was the case I would have to wonder about all those neon signs at bars and area pubs downtown and all over the city, they have lights, they have wires, scary stuff. So far, nation wide over one hundred of these devices have been removed without any panic. The city of Boston is a great city but their local government is making them look like chumps and the city still wants reimbursement from Turner broadcasting, Hello, I did something stupid and blew something way out of proportion, give me money. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The next pre-trial hearing for Berdovsky and Stevens will be held on March 7th, 2007.
You can still call the Mass. Attourney Generals office and tell her to let them go and drop a stupid and all together frivolous case. Other than Boston, these devices have been in place in Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Fransisco, Philadelphia and New York City for two weeks or more without causing a panic. I think that is evidence enough.