Every day is fat day in New Orleans.

So another Fat Tuesday is upon us and soon all the beer and booby beads and lets not forget boobs themselves, will be flying about. I must say that the French really know how to throw a holiday party. If you look back on things like, Christmas, or Easter, you must admit that you rarely get drunk women flashing their fun bags at you. I am not a huge proponent of the French, no sir, wouldn't mind at all if good ol' Paris, was bombed to cinders and made into a lake but I will thank them for sending over the Le Moyne brothers to hold the frenchies rights to the Louisianne territory. They basically founded Mobile, Alabama, which was the site of the first american Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday, in case you did not know, is the celebration day before Ash wednesday, which is the beginning of the christian liturgical season of Lent. Lent, in some sects of christianity, is a time of fasting and abstinence, usually forty days. Way to go francouis way, way to give those without sin a day to really sin it up prior to going forty days without beef, or having sex with the old lady, you never really had sex with anymore anyway, well, it's the thought that counts, right? Mardi Gras is a huge day for a lot of people, a huge day where if a young man offers his beads in such a way, that he may bare drunken witness to her mammarium gravitous, or breast drop zone. The old time ceremony to ask a maiden to reveal her bossoms is a subtle and delicate one, handed down through several generations of mardi gras visitors, I will describe it to you in the words of Perre Le Moyne d'iberville. " Ferst you are tu take ze beads in your right hend ond old zem tward ze maidien, zen you rise your beer ebove your ed in your left hend ond you make ze WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOing zound, ond you shake ze beads at le' pettite feme und ope zat she will show you er derrty milk jugz". Truely inspiring, is it not? While many cultures, in warmer climates, celebrate this day with drunken debauchery, nudism and violence, in colder climates many christians celebrate with other vices, such as gluttony. For many in people in colder climes this day is known as "Shrove teusday", or "Pancake Tuesday", holiday fanfare will begin with a plate of pancakes stacked as high as they can stand on a plate and after the are eaten and the celebration is full of people in deep states of pancake intoxification (common among scandinavians whose mothers make pancakes out of very volitile mixtures of fermented milks and apple juices), the cooks roll out a plaate of "Devils dumplings", a bosom shaped tart filled with eggnog and lighter fluid. All these foods can be purchased with beads, of course, as is the tradition. I will be at Mardi Gras tonight, not to revel however, I hold a much more important part of the ceremony, I will be standing out side of an Irish pub in the Gaslamp section of San Diego and will be doing my part in the tradition of Fat Tuesday. I am going to be holding true to an old Gaelic Mardi Gras tradition called "Giflez Le Frenchie", or Slap the Frenchie in which I stand in front of a door and smack people who try to get past me to reach my beer supply or my toilets, you do not need to be employed by the bar to take part in this tradiition and are free to join me tonight, to help keep this Gaelic tradition alive and strong. There is an old scandinavian tradition called "Lodden frosk oyne" that men can employ for beads as well but remember to wear loose fitting boxers and a non-complicated pair of pants for this one. Also, to the followers of that crazy lent thing, you have fun tonight because after tomorrow it is a whole hotdogless month and a half for you. Happy fartin' Mardi Gras you rat basterds.