Answer to a question.
Marty asked me a question about Animal Planet, the network dedicated to pissing off our worlds wildlife. He was wondering why they can't just leave the poor animals alone.
Well Marty, it's simple, it is all due to the world of underground animal sadism, a real bad bunch these guys and girls now too, what with the way times are changing. If prostitution is the oldest profession, well then animal sadism is about the fourth oldest, the practice itself, dating back to the early 600s and I am talkin' BC not AD. The ancient mesopotamians actually used to practice a variety of sadistic acts on animals, they would have monkeys imported from Madagascar, locked up in in yolks and townsfolk would publicly spank them. It was also common, if you had a pet weasel to wrestle with your weasel often, sometimes six or seven times a week. As the practice of animal sadism continued through the ages and like all things it evolved. By the early 19th century, New Zealand became a hotbed of animal sadism, in fact it was very common for several of the countries most prominent business men to stand in the towns square, form a circle and spend an entire afternoon just whacking there wallabys. In a more recent display, a Mr. George Malikaua of Hawaii, was arrested in 2006 for waxing his pet dolphin and then placing it in a small pool, so he could watch the out of control dolphin slam into the sides. On December, 17th, 1909, President Theodore Roosevelt, outraged at the extinction of the North American Pudmouse, placed a ban on animal sadism. In a historic speach to congress Roosevelt stated, " This sick practice must be stopped, the poor animal was pounded to oblivion"! A strange fact is that, even though in most countries animal sadism has been outlawed, in New Zealand it is still all the rage and it is still legal to air and transmit worldwide. So I think that may answer your question Marty, or at least help you to understand a little better, the sickness of our world. If you are interested in helping fight animal sadism there is a yearly boxing tournement held by Bishop Tommy O'flannigan to raise awareness of the perversion. If you are interested in helping out or even fighting, please contact us with a stamped, self addressed envelope to "Beat our Bishop, 11102 Wacker St. suite 102, Chicago, Ill 97101". Thank you again for your concern.
2 comments:
Fact check. Theodore Roosevelt was only in office until March of 1909, so perhaps you were referring to his December 8, 1908 State of the Union Address where he said, "The federal statute regulating interstate traffic in game should be extended to include fish. New federal fish hatcheries should be established. The administration of the Alaskan fur-seal service should be vested in the Bureau of Fisheries." That's just a guess.
Also, some of your other dates and events seem a bit counterfactual. I've always valued your journalistic integrity in the past, so I am willing to let some things slide. But I am pretty sure there were more than four professions between the dawn of man and 600 B.C. (Also, it would be great if you could use the far more appropriate term B.C.E.) I think weaver, soap and candle maker, potter, paper maker and wheel maker prove my point. I just want to make sure your dear readers know that there was a little more than whoring going on until wanking (apparently as a viable trade) emerged in 600 B.C.E.
How is that a profession anyway? Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Besides these minor quibbles I must say that this is some of the finest reporting I’ve seen. Kudos to you sir!
another interisting fact about the federal statute mentioned by xymyl was the history if the fish taco.
president roosevelt was a huge supporter of gaming regulations and attempted to have the fish taco thrust into the american demographic, however trade regulations, and embargos being what they were goods from mexico were frowned upon. it wasn't until president clinton introduced nafta that fish, and tuna tacos were more readily accepted into the american dichotomy. it was discovered that the f&t tacos could be prepared more quickly and efficentally south of the border clinton was also a big fan of the fur burger, unless it was prepared by hillary, from what i read in billy's memoiers hillary could really muff up a fur burger, and even though she wasn't the best person to prepare them it is my understanding that she enjoys an occasional fur burger, and that if elected president she intends to thrust own tuna taco bill into the faces of congress.
M~*
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