My X-mas story.

Let me make this as short and sweet as I can. I grew up in a family that did not celebrate X-mas. I was picked on for this most of my young life, treated like a total outcast. When I was young, this treatment disturbed me. I would see all the presents the other kids would get and the green eyed monster would well up within me. I wanted to be like the other kids, I really wanted to fit in, more than anything though, I wanted the teasing and name calling to stop. My god, even my teachers would tell me how strange my family was for not celebrating X-mas, which just made me feel more displaced from my peers.
That story, however was many, many years ago. I am an adult now, at least in a physical sense, and, you know, I still don't celebrate X-mas. I do not have to go and buy gifts for everyone because it is a holiday. That is not to say that I don't by my friends and loved ones gifts, I just don't let a holiday tell me when I should purchase things. I do not expect, nor do I want presents from people either, if we are that close you can buy me a couple beers or a fifth of whiskey any time of the years and we will make our own holiday. Most importantly, I do not have to get together with family, especially extended family and try to be nice to them. The simple fact is, while I really like my immediate family, if three quarters of my relative base were sucked into a black hole which spat them out into the burning center of the Sun, it would hardly affect my life. just because you share some slight genetic similarity to someone, does not mean you have to like them. Show me that part of the rule book and I will eat the poncho I bought in Tijuana seven years ago. I have shared my dislike for X-mas with several people and also my "drink whiskey and play video games agenda" and I have found that, since we are all grown up, most people are extremely jealous of my break from this corporate/religious holy, bullshit day. Some of the same people that would have ridiculed me as a child, now wish they could join in the Zen of my anti-X-mas ways, for, when all others are stressed and suicidal, I am simply pissed that I can't buy more beer and will have to wait for another day but, no big deal, I have nothing to do today but type and scratch itches that you can't scratch in front of your Grandma, both physically and metaphorically.

As a parting thought: I usually take a holiday blog as an opportunity to rip it apart and show you the history of how it was destroyed by some pious king or emperor. Well, X-mas is no different, so here goes.
I call it X-mas, most call it Christmas, i prefer the "X", because this day has about as much to do with Jesus as Presidents day. This is supposedly the day Christians celebrate the birth of Christ but if there were three wise men crossing a Middle Eastern desert on camel back, I will regurgitate the earlier mentioned poncho and re-eat it. Like so many "Christian", holidays, Christmas is just another way of covering up another Pagan festival. In this case, most likely blending the time of year in with the Roman holiday Saturnalia and the Winter Solstice celebration which fell on December 25th according to the Julian Calender. Saturnalia was a week long celebration of the roman god Saturn that ran from December 17th to the 23rd. It was a time of getting away from formal rules, a festival in which anything goes. Feasting, dancing, public drunkenness and nudity, of course what kind of Roman festival would be complete with out a few orgies? There were those too. Then we have Scandinavian Yule, the log burnt to honor Thor, the decorating of the tree, the mistletoe, holly ant wreaths, sounds a lot like X-mas if you take out Thor and pop in the X. I believe of all the holidays that piss me off, this fat, screaming lie is among the worst. If it wasn't for Constantine and Charlemagne and their push to bury the past and control people through religion, you could all be enjoying a naked day off instead of hating the socks you got from Aunt Clemintine.

Tits the season.

I have a word problem, or at least a problem with the way a word is used in our society. That word is "exotic". My problem comes from the use of exotic as a way of saying nude or topless. I understand that the word was originally used to describe dancing that was actually exotic, belly dancers, for example, used to be considered pretty risque and were stuck shaking their bells in the back alley bars on the seedy side of town. Cabaret acts in the 30's and 40's, were considered downright pornographic and, yes either style can excite your sexual stimulus response but they are both use implication and suggestion to raise your eyebrow. Your typical strip club act is different though, there is no implication, it is all on the table in front of you, sometimes quite literally. "Hey there Mr. drunk, horny, sloppy moron, give me money and I will show you my ta-ta's". Bam, cash in hand, the D.J. pops in a crappy song by a now defunct 80's hair band and you my friend are off to titty city. All of this so you can go home to, or with, your significant other and play a game of "erection vs. whiskey". The purpose of a nudie bar is to arouse you, to get the blood outta your brain and you money outta your wallet. That, in definition, is "erotic dancing". don't get me wrong, you can mix the two, you could definitely have a dance that was both exotic and erotic. A topless whirling dervish or an all nude Miabaumfest dance for instance. I also get that the ancient Babylonians had strippers in their courts and in that way you could make an argument for the "exotic" label on strip clubs. There are many variables here and I know I am tackling a rough topic. There are some classy joints out there that really mix the line and you can't be too harsh on them. I am merely trying to point out the fact that the club down by my house, with the pornographic bookstore in the front and the bullet proof glass and steal doors or any place called Teeny Boppers or Shuga Daddies, those places are for guys that want to see tits, it doesn't matter if they are flabby, knee length or so riddled with stretch marks that they look like a hurricane on Doppler. It doesn't matter if the stripper has her baby in a pram on the stage. If she is getting naked the guys there don't care about any other factor. Those places should not be allowed to ruin a wonderful word like exotic.

Alpha male mentality.

I have been hearing a lot of talk about the Alpha male in human society again. It is actually a common topic of conversation among bar patrons. You can stand there and hear women talk about a guy with an "alpha" personality, or hear a guy talk about actually being the "alpha male" in his group of friends. The last one always amazes me because it seams that no one ever argues with that person, I guess that means he is the alpha of that particular pack. I knew when I started to think about this personality trait, that one day I would see the truth behind it. "Alpha male mentality is described in the dictionary thusly: "The dominant member in a group of men. Holds strong influence over group activities. Has priority pick when it comes to sex with women".So the first problem we must break down in this comment is the fact that people seem to think all men are created equal. That is not the truth, While biologically human, our race has as many subclasses as the animal kingdom. Have you ever walked by someone and think,"Wow, that guy has a horse face!" Horse face, beaver teeth, oddly insectoid in there nature, it is a fact that people resemble animals and in some instances, plants. So what does this have to do with the alpha male mystique? Well it's simple. If you look at natures hierarchy you will see that some animals are more dangerous than others. I know that is an obvious statement but it is important to note. In short that means that if an alpha beaver and an alpha wolf tangle, the outcome is pretty much a given. Now, when an alpha squirrel and an alpha rabbit clash, the conclusion is not so easy to see. There are, of course, free radicals in all things, say the alpha porcupine holds it's ground for a while against the top eagle in the aerie, there is a good chance the eagle will leave it alone, neither alpha wins, instead the call a draw. Free radicals and random equalizers are what humans call the law of any given Sunday. It means on a good day you can kick anyones ass and on a bad day it's best not to go out lest the paperboy houses you on the corner on account of a poor Christmas bonus. Now we get to the pack mentality, as I said before a wolf and beaver fight has a forgone conclusion. Now what happens in that same fight if the alpha beaver is simply distracting the wolf until the beta and the omega beavers can flank it and smack it in the back of the head with a pipe? Suddenly the tide turns toward a beaver win and can be bad for the wolf unless he was smart enough to call the pack on his cell phone and tell him what part of the forest he was near. But, unless a car full of wolves pulls up before it gets messy, there is a good chance that old wolfie will end up in the animal ER. It works much the same with people. My new hobby at work is trying to figure out which subclass each alpha fits into. No one will be surprised that there are several groups of people that would fall under the "pest" label yet, very few wolf or lion people. There is a guy downtown that I believe falls under the "moose" category and many, many sheep. Myself, I don't know what I am, I guess, being as anti-social as I am, it is hard to say. Many of my friends are as anti-social as me and have no chosen leader of any particular group of friends. Alpha sociopaths I suppose you could say we all are in a way and are only a few shots of whiskey away from sailing up and down the western coastline in search of pillage. None of that wussy loot or booty, not any of the pirate crap. I'm talking about good old Viking pillage and plunder.

Time for football talk.

For quite a few years of my life I have been a fan of football. American football, just to clarify and not "futball", that sport so adored by those uppity Europeans. Granted, in the last five years I feel that the owners are turning it into a wussy sport, really I guess this has been the case since the onset of the non-leather helmet and shin guards but in the last five years they have really banned a lot of the more violent options one has to do bodily damage to another player. That saddens me because it shows that the investment that has been put into some players, especially quarterbacks, is starting to outweigh the purity of the game. Also, taking Monday Night Football off of ABC and putting it on a cable network, that is just low. There are some people in this world that could only watch football on Monday nights. My dad lived in an area where cable television was not an option and FOX didn't have a high enough broadcast power so the only time he could watch football was on Monday nights. There are so many people living in rural areas that get no football at all anymore and it all comes down to corporate greed. The worst part is a lot of the old timers who where there in the golden age of the game don't even get to watch. Don't get me wrong, I love cable and satellite TV, I am a Green Bay fan living in California and am more than happy to be able to watch the games but it is kinda sad that the old aerial antenna days have past us by.
On another football note I am happy to see that superstition has not left the game. Last weeks Dallas, Philly game in with the 'Boys lost and Dallas QB, Tony Romo injured his thumb didn't come down to the players saying,"we just had an off day", or "The Eagles just wanted it more". No, instead many players and fans are blaming the loss on Jessica Simpson. The Breasty songstress and star of poorly conceived movies, as well as those ProActive commercials, is now dating Romo. Last Sundays game was Romo's worst performance since last December when Carrie Underwood, his girlfriend at the time, was in the stands. Terrell Owens, the man who could probably take the title "Mouth of the South", from former WWF manager Jimmy Hart, was quoted as saying, "Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite - in this locker room or in Texas Stadium,". So it was Jessica's fault then, huh guys? The loss had nothing to do with the fact that Dallas only attempted fourteen running plays against a team with a mediocre run defense. How about T.O. slipping in the third quarter and letting the ball go right to the safety behind him? I suppose that was Jessica's fault too. I am sure the loss had nothing to do with the fact that it was a divisional rivalry game and the fact that the Eagles were trying to stay alive in the playoffs. Well, whatever the reason I will say this, if Jessica is to blame for Romo's poor throwing I hope she shows up in something skimpy and distracting if The Packers have to go back to Dallas in the playoffs. Also I would appreciate it quite a bit if, while going up to deflect a pass, Charles woodson would accidentally rip T.O.'s tongue right out of his mouth. This should not effect his play long term but it will make football more pleasant for everyone.

Wow, just wow!

So here are some snippets from a news story out of New Jersey. They detail the escape of two prisoners from a highly secure section of an Elizabeth County Jail holding cell. See if this is familiar to you.
"Two inmates escaped from a county jail, hiding the holes they made in the walls by putting up photos of bikini-clad women, officials said."

"The county prosecutor's office said the two apparently removed cement blocks from two walls, squeezed through the openings, jumped to a rooftop below and then made it over a 25-foot-high fence."

"The men helped cover up the break by placing dummies under their bed blankets, and hiding the wall holes with magazine photos of women in bikinis, authorities said."

If you think you recognize this wily scheme, that is because all of these steps happened in either "Escape from Alcatraz", the 1979 Clint Eastwood film and the Steven king film, "Shawshank Redemption", 1994, starring Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. Both what I consider to be among the top rated escape movies of all time, also two movies that you would expect a prison guard or two, to have watched. When a movie that is in line with your career comes out, you tend to take notice. Pot dealers love "Half Baked", members of the mafia enjoy "Good Fellas" or "The Godfather (I and II, never 3)". Closet homosexuals can't get enough of "Top Gun". So you would have to expect that one member of the Elizabeth County Jail employee system would have seen a prison break movie, hell, even the TV show, "Prison Break". Did they never turn that show on, not even for a moment? I just don't get how you don't expect this sort of thing, you may as well let people just hang out in an unlocked yard and use the honor system. " Now Billy Bob, there ain't nothin' keepin' you from just runnin' outta here and joinin' back up with the gang but I hope ya'll got more respec fer me than ta go an do that", Says the warden as he inhales enough glue fumes to kill off what's left of his gray matter. I just wanted to inform everyone of this. TV and movies are good for you and can actually save peoples lives and your own from an embarrassing social and political faux-pa and/ or manslaughter.

Suggested films for jail/prison guards:
Cool Hand Luke, Escape from Alcatraz, The Great Escape, Oh Brother Where art thou, Stalag 17, Papillon, Shawshank Redemption, Escape from New York (just because it is good), Midnight Express, the list goes on and on. In all of these films you can see criminals that out smart police and guards using their above average intelligence and charm. Since these are movies and the people are much smarter than many real criminals, it is almost mind numbing to think about how stupid the people that are supposed to be protecting us are getting.

Short Story, A Tall Tale.

Benjamin Statler woke up one day and discovered that he was six foot, five. Most people gradually grow into their height but for Ben it had happened, literally over night. Now, going from a typically average five foot, six, to a whopping six, five over night would be an astounding growth spurt for even the heartiest of teenagers but for a twenty three year old man it is not unlike a miracle from Gods own hands. "Wow", Ben thought as he stared at his reflection in the, once full length, hallway mirror,"Looks like someone is gonna get some stares at the office today". Another extraordinary happening was this, Ben had seemingly gained almost twenty pounds of lean muscle as well as his new found stature. He didn't know how this blessing had come to him but, at that moment, he didn't care. It was time to get ready for work and to face a new day. The pushes and shoves Ben usually endured on the subway weren't as bad anymore. It is easy to push around a small man in but when you have to push around a six, five, two hundred, twenty pound monster, you think twice. Then there was the pretty girl at the coffee shop. She still says she has a boyfriend but he could see ,by the way she looked up into his eyes today, it wouldn't be long before he got into her pants. Sandy at reception actually tried to pretend to ignore him, even when he leaned close and tapped her on the shoulder. She acted like she was too busy to talk, acted flushed and aggravated but he could tell she was just excited by his raw sexuality. As he approached his desk he could see his boss, Mr. Thompson waiting to greet him. Old man Thompson must have seen him walk in and wanted to jump on the big guys fan wagon, now he would regret giving the outside sales consultant promotion to that pretty boy Nelson. "Well, good morning Mr. T, how's the family today, big guy?", Ben said, in his most playful and arrogant tone. "Morning Staler, just wanted to tell you that the nurse that took your information for the company health insurance screwed up, these things need to be accurate, that's what the lawyers say. Now I need you to go down there and get your height and weight reverified today. Hell, if you're six, five I'm Marie Antoinette" at that Mr. Thompson turned and walked away, away from short, chubby, not at all interesting Benjamin Statler.

brain Freeze. A short story of loss.

It was 9 AM on Tuesday when I found Carols letter. "Dear Brian", it began," I'm so sorry, I can no longer live this way. I never meant to hurt you like this but, I have met someone else. It has been going on for a couple weeks and I could no longer live the lie. My heart aches so much as I write this letter. I am truly sorry it had to come to this. Love Carol. PS. Don't try to look for me, my cell is disconnected and I will be living far, far away."
I am not sure why I couldn't just accept it, truth be known things haven't been that good between us for quite some time now and I was thinking about ending it myself. I guess it's just different when you are the dumpee and not the dumper. So I got on the phone and started making calls. First to Carols cell, sure enough, disconnected. Next, I called her aunt Nell, they had been growing apart lately but I figured with this new development at least she might have told Nell where she would be going. If Nell knew anything, she wasn't telling me but she didn't seem surprised or that upset, infact she said she expected this for a while and explained how Carol did the same kind of things for most of her young life, attaching herself to men, using them and then running away. Carols parents were next on the list, they told me the same story, even tried to apologize for their daughters actions. "It's not your fault", I told them, " I was just gullible and in love, well let me know if you hear anything". Friends, co-workers, everyone I spoke to ended up telling me the same stories. Carol was a user, she would make you fall in love with her then rip out your heart. The signs were there for me to see them, I guess I just didn't want to. Love is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid, being in love is like being Helen Keller overdosed on codeine. By the end of the day I was emotionally and physically exhausted, plus I was on the phone most of the afternoon and had forgotten to eat. Nothing in the kitchen fridge but I was pretty sure I had some ice cream in the basement coffin freezer. Ah yes, there it was one pint of Cherry Garcia, a little bit of blood frozen to the outside but I don't think it soaked through. I pondered the irony of the name "coffin freezer" as a stared into Carols lifeless, ice covered eyes, I couldn't see the face of the man being that his neck was twisted completely backward. It's amazing the strength you can summon when you are hurt and enraged. Oh well, I need to eat and get some rest, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow gonna take a trip up to Carols family cabin and see if she shacked up with her man there, gotta remember to bring a candle and a wrench, I think they turn the gas off in the fall when they aren't using it.

More news from the Stupid Files.

Every time I wake up and read the daily news bites, I find something that I consider, stupid. Some days, however, are more stupid than others. I want to hand out to awards today, one goes to Mike Galanos of CNN's Prime News, Get to the Point, segment. The other goes to a Mr. Bill Johnson and the entire community known as the American Decency Association, another annoying Christian watchdog group that is uncomfortable with anything that might arouse them. Well, Galanos and Johnson both agree with some Indiana mall shoppers, that the displays of lingerie on store manequins at Victoria's Secret, are too racy. Galanos and Johnson also applauded Victoria's Secret, when they broke under pressure from the uptight patrons and changed the manequins outfits. Galanos was bothered by two things, the sexy dress of the manequins and the ten foot picture of a model in lingerie, stating that these things could be viewed by children. He seemed to be truly troubled by this. I often ponder how terrified our society is of plastic crotches, sans vagina or pictures of, allusions to, or anything the shape of, tits, that we have to shield children from it. A creature that was created from coitus and bodily fluids, squeezed out of a vagina and raised feeding off of breasts and parents feel the need to steer them clear of anything that will make them think about sex. That amazes me. It all goes back to the ancient and antiquated belief that we should be overly ashamed of sex. Galanos, I give to you the," I am fearing the day I have to explain sex to my kids award". This award goes to a man who obviously never got comfortable enough with sex and the female body to treat it with the respect and admiration it deserves. I bet he even hides his Playboy magazines like a thirteen year old masturbation junkie, instead of leaving them on the coffee table like a man would. But that award aside, I save my biggest award for Bill Johnson and the ADA (not the American Dental Association). There is a reason why, when traveling through middle America, I don't like to slow down and it is people like this. The original Quakers who landed on our shores with their chastity and small pox, are long dead and good riddance. Yet we still have groups like the ADA, this is their mission statement feel free to look it up yourself "The mission of the American Decency Association is to educate its members and the general public on matters of decency; to initiate, promote, encourage and coordinate activity designed to safeguard and advance public morality consistent with biblical Christianity." Basically this is another group that wants to use their moral compass to guide our lives. He also suggested that Victoria's Secret was pornography. Dude, I know pornography when I see it and that ain't pornography, there wasn't even a midget with a whip in the window, how could that be porno? See, old Billy boy is just another one of the millions of people in this country that are scared of leaving their comfort zones long enough to grow up. He even said, " Pornography is addictive, it's damaging, there are guys that are getting set off by this stuff." This is the mentality that breeds serial killers and rapists. Sure, these problems would still exist if we lived in a less uptight society but I guarantee they wouldn't be as common. Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, look into the childhood of any one of them and I bet dollars to donuts that you find a lot of religiously backed beatings. So to Mr. Bill Johnson goes the "Trying to ruin everyone else"s fun because I am afraid I might get an erection and have to hide in the closet cutting myself", award. Thank you and have a good day.

Burn Santa burn!

It is apparently, no holds barred, in the fight against global warming. A concerned group by the name of "Save Santa", have decided that a good way to get the message across is to dress up lake Santa and tell people about the impending doom of his home at the North Pole. Personally I feel that the threat of global warming from CO2 emissions is just slightly less far fetched than the existence of old Saint Nick but I am no expert, I will leave that decision to the rarely bribable and wholly infallible scientific community. That was sarcasm by the way. Scientists are becoming as bad as lawyers, spinning information this way and that, in order to come up with, what they call proof. Add a scare tactic like Santa Clause having to lash the corpses of his elves together in order to survive when his home sinks and you have a good base of propaganda that will keep people scared and your coffers full, well into the next century. I was never a believer in Santa, even as a child I looked down on kids who believed in the bewitching, burly, butterball. I could not understand how they could put so much stock in him, yet not heed my warnings about werewolves, which, I might add, there is more evidence of through out history than either Santa or man made global warming. Yet, it seems wrong to terrorize children, even stupid children, with stories about the end of Father X-mas. They will show the kids "facts" to scare them and horrifying video to drive the fear deep into their soft psyches so the image never leaves them. I am so sick of that video where the chunk of ice falls into the ocean. You see it on the news and the commentator acts like it is the first time in Earths history that a glacier melted. Then you get that video about the Polar Bears and their plight. How the receding ice caps are shrinking their habitat and soon the will be extinct. Well, as pretty as Polar Bears might be, they are unfortunate to be dealing with a life cycle that is unavoidable, extinction. There are more extinct species of animals by far, than ones currently sharing the globe with us. Look at the extinct species record of the rain forests. They loose a species a day world wide, that seems kinda messed up. It's mostly bugs and plants that no one has ever heard of but those bugs and plants are probably more important to the ecosystem than any damned bear. The animals, the humans and Santa Clause all share one common problem, if you can't adapt, you are gonna die! That is it, plain and simple. The natural cycle of the planet is to warm up and cool off, it has been doing it for millions of years, of which we are but a blip on the time line. So don't worry too much about global warming because, in another thousand years, when our species is long gone, it will all go back to normal.

As a final note, many researchers have said that methane emissions from cattle farms do more damage to the environment than all the industrial exhaust. So next time you see a dirty tree huger munching on a tofu burger, maybe you should explain to him just how much he is hurting the planet by not eating meat. Keep it green bitches.

A public service notice.

A couple of weeks ago in Florida, two armed men entered a casino and robbed on of the cashiers. One man was caught before he could leave but the other actually fled the scene and tried to hide from casino security and the police. Part of his escape plan involved swimming across a pond behind the casino and then possibly, hide in the woods on the other side. I say possibly because the man was attacked by a ten foot long alligator, taken into a muddy patch and partially eaten. The alligator was put down, which I think is kinda wrong. After all, the idiot in question broke one of the basic survival rules. Don't go swimming in a pond in Florida unless you can fight off an alligator. That is it and as a public service message I am letting you all know that rule. Every where you go there are rules to surviving that survivors follow and dead people didn't. They are not even written down on paper, instead, they are etched into our genetic codes. You know that feeling, when your hair gets all bristly and your palms start to sweat? That is your body telling you that you are about to violate a rule of survival and if you go through with the action, your warranty will be voided. There are so many rules that I could never list them all but I will ask my readers to comment back, with their own rules of survival, I wanna know what you got. Make it fun. Later.

Zombie Amoeba.

As if the human race didn't have enough problems, now it seems we have zombie amoebas. Yes, a strain of amoeba has killed about 100 people world wide since it's discovery eleven years ago but no one really talked about it that much until a young boy died from contact with the amoeba in Lake Havasu in Arizona. apparently the boy fell ill after a visit to the lake and died a week later of flu like symptoms. I guess if you swim in that lake you might expect to fall ill, after all, it is the mating ground for several thousand college students that flock there for spring break and it is probably so full of human discharge and DNA, you could probably open your own sperm bank just by dredging the bottom. However, sickness is expected, death is not. The amoeba actually enters your body through your sinuses and eats your brain. Scientist are not sure of the origin of this organism but I have a pretty good idea. If you look at the evolutionary scale, it will tell you that all life started as a single cell organism, most likely an amoeba. Well, it makes sense that, if normal life evolved from an amoeba, then this particular creature could be the evolutionary starting point of the zombie. We really don't have to be overly worried now but in another hundred thousand years, when brain eating amphibians began to appear, that would be a good time to worry. at that point in the time line it is just a small evolutionary hop to zombie lizards, then a couple million years later and bam! We have zombie rodents and primates. In less than two million years from that point our world will have evolved a completely different race of creatures, zombies. All of them evolving from this simple brain eating, zombie amoeba. I know it is not much of an immediate threat when you think of it all in the Darwinian evolutionary time line. Who is that worried about millions of years from now? The Sun will probably be dead by then anyway or the Earth, long ago devoured by a solar flair. The problem is we can't be so sure of our time line. We all believe that any evolutionary modifications to an animal take thousands of years but what if we are wrong and the evangelical Christians of America actually have a more accurate historical time line? They believe that the world is only six to ten thousand years old and if that is so I am afraid our planet will soon be swarmed by newly evolved zombies. I have looked to the book of Revelations and I am gonna say, next Thursday, give or take a day.

200 Lashes

200 lashes and six months in jail is the price a Saudi woman must pay for being raped. In Saudi Arabia it seems, it is illegal for a woman to meet with an unrelated man. This woman did, then she was kidnapped, then gang raped and now, she has been sentenced to get lashed. Wow, you know for a country that is so anti-terrorism we sure choose some strange bedfellows. I guess this isn't really terrorism, it is just ridiculous, archaic and repugnant. You must remember that I am a person that believes in public flogging to straighten criminals out, it is like a super, wicked spanking and it would help society but I also know when it is over board and this is. For the first part, I am in favor of individual freedom. Could you imagine your life if you constantly had your wife, daughters, aunts, and nieces following you around all day because, if they want to go out they have to be with you? You would kill yourself. Then again, I am from a world where woman can do what ever they want, not just where I was raised but my heritage as well. Ah yes I am the blood of those blue eyed demons from the North, a son of Odin, offspring of Askr and Embla. Yes a people that have often been thought of a s evil or barbaric. Yet, hundreds of years before Christ, they were treating woman better than Arabians do now. What fun can that possibly be, to have all those woman in subjection to the men? I take a phrase from 1930's gangster films and say, "I like a girl with moxie", and I do. I also don't mind a girl who likes to be slapped on the hind end in a playful manner but 200 lashes, that is a bit much. If you don't know what a lash is, it is a whip, anywhere from 5 to 9 feet long and can slice skin like a leather knife. There is a good chance that 40 or so lashes would kill a healthy man so imagine what 200 could do to a small woman that wears so many cloths all day that her back has never even been sun burned. I know it is a different country and they have different laws, I also know that I will never visit them. Most of all I think since our government is allied with them and has been for years it shows us all what we they will turn a blind eye to in order to further our countries dependence on foreign oil. I guess my point is, I will take my barbaric bloodline, with our berserks and cold blooded killers over a civilized society like Saudi Arabia any day. i am bugged by this stuff and should be funnier next time.

On the subject of death. Part 3.

In part one, I covered how I would choose to die, which is not at all, or last. In part two I went over the displaying of my body. Now in part three I would like to answer Marty's final question. How would I like to be remembered? The thing about remembering people is, do they deserve to be remembered? I still believe that Statues, crypts, mausoleums...etc., are just there because of our human fear of being forgotten. Yet strangely, most of the people that have reside, worm eaten below these decorations tend to be hardly worth a second thought. I would much rather be remembered for who I was than were my corpse is. There is an old Viking saying that goes something like, " He that finds fame of words will live forever". Something like that, I never saw an accurate translation and never learned to read old Norse. I know that if I died today my wake would be full of stories that involve me and whiskey. I know some people would cry and some would laugh, some might even touch themselves inappropriately (this is, of course, directed toward Marty). Rememberance is a tough area because our brains tend to romanticize our memories. That is why ever once and a while you miss that old relationship, sure she cheated on you and tried to poison your food but she had such pretty eyes, awwww. See we are stupid like that. "I sure miss that horrible bastard", you will think as you jam the remains of said bastard into a Hefty bag. We are a wickedly retarded animal that fools ourselves repeatedly into believing lies about people, especially once they die. What is it about people that, when someone dies, they can't think of anything bad to say about them? When Ted Bundy finally got what was coming to him, I made a joke about it and got booed. I can't understand that. He murdered people for fun, he deserved to die, yet people tried telling me that I shouldn't make fun of that tragedy and that he was still a human being. Who cares? He is dead, he needed to die and he will forever be remembered by me, as a bad moment in stand up comedy. I am not delusional about my memory. I know and accept that in this world, there are people that despise me to the base of their being as well as people, that for some god forsaken reason, love my wicked and cynical nature. I can't explain it, it just is. So in answer Marty, I don't really know or care how I am remembered but if I had a choice, I guess it would be, to be remembered a one hard drinkin', hard fightin', dirty, dirty son of a bitch, that calls no man master. Either that or Captain o' Drinky Ambassador to the Beer Nebula.

On the subject of death. Part 2

In my last bit I covered how I would choose, or actually, not choose, to die. This time around I will answer the second part of Marty's query by telling you all how I would like to be displayed if I am to die before all of you. I can tell you I would not make a vain corpse. I wouldn't have to be put somewhere and preserved like that pretty boy Lenin. I would actually much prefer not to be displayed but, instead to have my body mulched in an industrial strength wood chipper and sprayed upon my enemies. This may not be the cleanest way to go out but your enemies will never forget you, that is for sure. I suppose I wouldn't be much for statues either, unless they were really abstract and weird with no mention of me anyway. That way only people who knew that it was my statue would understand. Then you have gravestones, man those are retarded. A big flashy angel sitting atop your grave pointing a sword up to Heaven is so lame. What a waste of money and marble. Perhaps you have a mortal fear of being forgotten but having a stone like that might as well read, "Here lies the body of a giant douche". If you are that forgettable in life, you will remain so in death. Only after you die you can't continue to appear at random parties and remind everyone how much you suck. You could be displayed on TV I suppose. If you die in a big way and it gets caught on tape, you may just end up a dead celebrity. You see, "Shocking", video all the time of people crashing their cars or trying to paraglide into a moving plane and in twenty years, you will still be seeing those videos. If you are suicidal, try this, become your own display. Drink two gallons of blue paint, strap three grenades to your stomach and find a big white wall, preferably during an art fair. Then, simply pull the pins, BOOM, instantly displayed. It would be even better if you carried a five gallon pail of fast setting epoxy resin with you. I guess I really don't care too much about being on display, that is more fun when you are alive. Let me make it simple for you Marty, after I go, you do what ever your sick little heart tells you to do. My suggestion is a corpse-a-pult.

On the subject of death.

Marty from Minnesota has sent me a question he would like answered, it is about my own death. This will be a three parter, starting today and ending when I get around to it.

Marty asks: How do you want to go out, how do you want to be displayed, and how would you like to be remembered?

Good question Marty. I guess first I should let you know how I don't want to go. Three easy ways I prefer not to die, sniper, zombies, or in my sleep. Why these three? Well the sniper is obvious, I believe we should get a fighting chance against the reaper and a bullet nailing you in the face from four football fields away is hardly sporting, yes I do feel that way about hunting as well but I eat what I kill, I don't hunt animals for sport, that's what castaways on my private island are for and yes, I would hunt dangerous animals with a spear and a Bowie knife so you can't question my sportsmanship. Zombie death is pretty cut and dry. Who really wants to die while filling the gullets of the undead? Not me baby. Dieing in my sleep is another way I hate the thought of, I feel that there is little dignity in soiling your linens on the way to the great unknown. It's bad enough you're dead, does the bed have to get ruined too? Many people say they would like to die while having sex. I feel that is rather thoughtless since maybe you would enjoy dieing like that but the emotional turmoil you would put the person you were having sex through may not really be fair. Dieing while having sex is only good if you die having sex with something you shouldn't, like a corpse, because of the irony, an animal, for the shear humor or 'Exploding Decoy Sodomy Baby', for the pure joy we all get from a dead child molester (for more about my EDSB initiative please look up my blog from October 19, 2007). Now to cover how I would like to go. That is a tough one and there is only one feasible answer that comes to mind. I have many generations of Scandinavian blood, so no drowning, burning or being eaten by the dragons that follow the mist. I guess I wouldn't mind putting up a real good fight before I went, something to be proud of as I wander from Midgard to Asgard, where I am to feast 'neath the branches of Yggdrasil. If that is really what happens. They probably just watch football and drink beer, which is fine too. There is the other thing were I say, I would not choose to die at all but eternally wander the Earth searching for the perfect whiskey and beer combination. Some people feel that this would get annoying and repetitive but screw them, they are just not inventive enough. I guess you gotta go sometime though so if I have to choose one way to go. Well Marty I suppose I'd have to choose last.

Next I will cover the displaying of me, that is, if I don't die after everyone else.

Endorsement time.

Yesterday a giant douche bag name of Pat Robertson, gave his endorsement to Republican Presidential candidate, Rudy Giuliani. Well now, isn't that just peachy? Most of you know I am not too thrilled about Rudy but I detest old Pat. Seriously, I hate him. I have never been a big fan of televangelism and am even slightly uplifted when one of his ilk lets loose their mortal coil but out of all the dislike I hold in my soul for that club, Pat is my most hated. He has called for assassinations, mongered for war with Iran and who could forget his rant about how the world trade center crap happened because America accepts gays? What a gigantic lump of underwear chuff he is and yet, somehow, his endorsement is helping Giuliani. I can't understand that at all. I know people like to blindly follow their religious leaders through life's little fogs but, well Giuliani has a very politically tolerant view on homosexuality and abortion. Right there you would think that there would be a slight rift between him and a man of God. Giuliani is socially liberal and Pat is supposed to be an air tight as a whales ass conservative. So what brings these two together? I would like to say something like they care about the country and it's people but it is more than likely some simple idea of greed and power. Together these two have a better chance of getting more power than they would alone. This is an obvious case of duplicity and it should not be put up with. This whole thing has made me decide to be even more sarcastic and negative than I was before. Do not be surprised when you see me next, I may have a black hole of sarcastic rage flying about my body. I say it a lot but I will say it again. I really, really hate stupid people.

Shocking?

Terri Irwin, wife of ex-animal teaser, Steve Irwin recently went on Larry King Live to promote her new book. During a heart touching, Larry King style discussion about Steve, who died last year, Larry asked if he ever thought he would die young. Terri said that he did think he may die of other than natural causes. My only problem with this is that the headline I read implied that we should have expected otherwise. Was anyone shocked when this guy popped his mortal balloon? No, no one was, not even him. I am sure his parting thoughts weren't the brightest but I am also sure that they weren't,"Kricky that's unexpected"! If you have a dog, there is a good chance that at some point that dog will bite you. Now, if instead of a dog, you have a Hippopotamus or a New Zealand Tiger snake, well then the odds of being more seriously injured by your pet increase. No one watching that show was in the least surprised when Irwin died. It was bound to happen, he knew it, his wife knew it, it was just a matter of who would win the celebrity death pool. There is an old saying that goes,"If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned". Well the same goes for animals that maul, stab, or gore, it's just the way life is. I guess I just so hate when the sensationalist media says another dumb thing and acting like Irwin was a psychic for his early death premonitions is a dumb thing. That's it, short and sweet.

Zombie movies as an allegory.

Last night I had a pizza and beer induced dream, a dream of zombies. I was in a crowd of people when one of them became a zombie and began infecting everyone around him. I as well as a few others were unaffected and this made the flesh hungry beasts turn on us and attack. Some people were devoured while others became infected through bites and joined the ranks of the walking dead. I was running, seeking shelter, a horde of zombies at my back when I reached a wall. Somehow I climbed to the top of it, hoping to escape but on the other side, what did I see? Yes, more zombies. As I stood up high on the wall and looked around I realized that I was between two parking lots, both lots being full of nasties. On one side was a Home Depot and on the other, a Wal-Mart. It was about that point in the dream that the wall began to crumble and I fell into a sea of claws and teeth. I woke with that,' gotta pee but don't want to get out of bed', feeling also, I really didn't want to be attacked by zombies that were most likely camping outside of my bedroom door. As usual, peeing won over paranoia and it was off to tinkle. I think that men get there best ideas while in the bathroom and while wavering to and fro in a eyes half opened, try not to hit the lid, kind of daze. I realized the meaning of my dream. I think zombie movies are an allegory for big box, super stores. Look at how they work, go to a Wal-Mart or a Home Depot sometime. All the people wandering around, not thinking, just purchasing. They spread these stores across the country and devour their competition. Sure some people fight back but you have to be two steps ahead to survive and most just succumb to their eventual demise. I know what you are thinking, that zombie movies have been around for much longer than these big box stores have, well, that is why it is an allegory. George A. Romero was trying to warn us about the upcoming onslaught of low grade fashion at somewhat reasonable prices. "Come to our store, find everything you need, depend on us and soon we will own you". It is the corporate model of all these stores. Okay maybe it I am wrong and it is an allegory for conformity and the fight against being one of the slow moving morons that are about 90% of the planets population. That could be as well. I don't know, I'm not Freud. One thing I do know is this. I can handle zombies, those I can fight but corporations, now they scare me.

A question for costume buffs.

I spent this week for the most part, at the door of a bar. I saw so many people and so many costumes that by the end of the evening all I wanted was to see the human race wiped from the planet and being replaced by a strip mall and I hate strip malls. I have now realized that Halloween in America has become a perfect excuse for men to dress like women and women dress like strippers. This leaves me with a few questions. First of all, I want to know what is going through the heads of the women who dress like absolute whores and I am talking about things that would make a Texas stripper blush a little, yet they get offended when you check them out. Don't you think that is a little misdirecting? If you are a hot woman you know that men are already checking you out and it might be getting on your nerves but if you are a hot woman and you dress up in scotch tape and dental floss and expect not to get ogled, well, then you are just a stupid, hot woman. Next I want to ask the really big women out there. Was the skimpy Wonder Woman outfit really a good choice? You couldn't find any outfit a bit more suited to your body style? Perhaps a tent or a Volkswagon would have been more suitable. By the way hot chicks I referred to earlier, the chubbers were getting checked out that night too so don't feel too harassed. Guys like tits and can't really help but look. Have you ever been to a renaissance festival for god sake? Those grotesque lumps of inhuman cleavage smashed into a corset and guys are still drooling over them. Hell if you dropped the corset they would spill out like the blob into a room full of newborn babies. Lastly I would like to ask all those guys that were wearing high healed shoes. How can you walk so well in them when women that wear them every day can't? I suspect that it takes a lot of practice to walk in high heels. That is what amazes me I think, the shear number of men who have been "practicing" for Halloween. that is commitment to the costume brother. I hear that J. Edgar Hoover practiced for Halloween almost every day of the year.

A letter to that guy at the door of my bar.

Dear Mr. Guy at the door of my bar last night.

I want to say this in a way that doesn't really hurt your feelings but I can't really think of one. Well, here goes anyway. I understand that a city, any city can be a lonely place to be. You are away from your friends or your family and making a connection, even a small one, with someone else can make a hell of a difference but I have to tell you this. Speaking louder than other people during a conversation that you are only a participant in is not a good way to keep people interested in you. You weren't in the bar long enough to be as drunk as your vocal volume would denote. You are probably just a loud person. Being loud does not validate your argument either, if anything, it makes you seem overbearing. Being loud also doesn't make you attractive to the opposite sex. Now maybe some desperately lonely women have taken interest or pity upon you for your obvious and various social ineptitude but I am sure even those occurrences are few and fleeting. Yet, each time you wake up sticky and confused about how you scored such a forth rate piece of tail, that experience actually bolsters your ego for the next damnable visitation on someones favorite water hole. Mr. Guy, do you not realize that being wrong, no matter the volume of your conviction, is still wrong? I am referring to factuality and not mere opinion. I can state to you that I like grapes, let's say. Now, if you come back and say I don't, that is stupid, perhaps I could eat a grape and you would have to face the fact that, yes indeed, I do like grapes. Instead of shaking your head in amazement of the fact however, a person like you would continue to say in a loud voice,"NO YOU DO NOT LIKE GRAPES, YOU ARE ONLY EATING THEM TO PROVE ME WRONG, I DO NOT LIKE GRAPES AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE"! Apparently, in that strange and bad place that is your mind, saying it loudly make lies more true than quietly stated facts could ever be. I have heard your life story Mr. Guy and let me tell you how it works out. You have been divorced more than once. Why? Not because women are heartless and evil and all they want is hurt the tender hearted sad clown you are but because you have probably never shut up long enough to hear what they were complaining about. An amazing thing I have discovered about many women is that if you listen to them, they stay around for a while longer than if you don't. That is probably part of the reason you have lost in love so many, many, many pathetic times. Now as far as friends go. They actually like to be heard too. A conversation between friends is a wonderful thing and if it is balanced and fun it keeps you interesting and friends interested. Now, if you never shut up friends eventually realize what a dick you are and they piss off, somehow none of this is your fault. Well, in reality it is almost all your fault so here is my advice to you Mr. Guy. When you meet someone new and you have something to say, say what you have to and then shut up. If you are eating or drinking, maybe you don't need to talk right away, so shut up. If your wife has a problem, shut up. I could go on forever but I hope you understand, take five seconds out of your day and shut up, it will make you a little more likable and a lot less kill worthy. Now get out there and shut up!

Ah Halloween

Call it what you will, The day before All Saints day, Samhain, Hop-tu-Naa. Believe it is the devils day or just plain old good fun and tradition. Carve up your mangelwurzel, beet or pumpkin and pay tribute to the legend of old Stingy Jack or just use this occasion to purchase inexpensive pie filling. Halloween means many different things to many different people, There are people who take this day as a day to dress up like there favorite monster or movie star and escape the sad reality of their own lives. It is also the day in which many men dress up like women and some of them look too realistic and well prepared. There is nothing wrong with this, for it gives that man a brief escape from his normal routine and it gives his friends years of sarcasm to use when he is trying to pick up women at bars. What does Halloween mean to me? Well, not much really, I have always found the Mexican festival Dia de los Muertos or Day of the Dead, to be more my speed, not for the celebration but because I really like tequila. I would, in fact, much rather have a shot of tequila than a candied apple any day. The thing I like best about this holiday however is the simple fact that on Halloween in America, Hot chicks dress up like complete sluts. Yes, whether it be the hot business woman that decides she wants to be a hot cat woman with big tits, or the teacher that decides she wants to be a superhero with super cleavage, all these costumes are good reasons to live this holiday. Look, over there, Ally McBeal with bigger hoots and a shorter skirt and there is Wonder Woman, leaving very little to wonder about. Yes Halloween is all about the T&A for me and that might make you think I am a sexist pig and you would be partially correct but it isn't my fault, the fault lies with a woman. Yes years ago a mistress came into my life. Clad in black silk and lace, her body built like a 56 Buick, sleek lines, lots of power and a big, curvy front end. She ruined Halloween for me making me think of breasts before bon-bons. Her name was Elvira and she is also the reason I like to watch horror movies naked in a cold room. Take that my readers imaginations!

Wow blog 200

This is the 200th blog I have written since I began this silliness almost a year ago. If you read this blog anywhere other than my Blogspot account the number may not be that high, but it still counts. So what shall I write about with for this milestone event. I think I will have to write about the fires in San Diego County. Nothing political about how our National Guard is depleted, needlessly sent to Iraq, so the fire that should have been well expected, couldn't be fought properly. Thank you very much Bushies. I will not argue cases for prevention or the fact that people keep landscaping with eucalyptus plants, which are an incredibly flammable kinda plant. No, for blog 200, I am gonna talk about people who are insane about biblical signs. As you must know by now, Southern California is ablaze. I come from a forest area of Minnesota and have seen a fire or two, also I have started a few, but I have never seen anything like this. Last night, October 22nd, 2007, I watched a mountain burn. Mt San Miguel can easily be seen from Near my house in San Diego and last night it was on fire baby. I got home early for a Monday night and so I popped on over to the liquor store where I bought a disappointing bottle of wine and then, off to my house to watch Miguel burn. While at the booze shop, I ran into a fellow. He was in his bathrobe and slippers, he was also purchasing two, single bottles of very cheap beer. I was discussing the view from the highway with the owner of the store when the man in the robe said,"this may be the end of days". Now far be it from me to disregard the wisdom of an alcoholic in a bathrobe but I do not believe that the biblical Armageddon could possible start in California. I am no bible scholar but I have always had a firm belief that the end would start in Frankfurt, Germany. Those people gave us the hotdog, the most demonic, yet tasty snack known to mankind, next to the Twinkie but you can't buy those at ball games. The hotdog is the devils chosen food and it has killed more men than any earthly war. Enough of my footlong prophesies of doom. Now crazies from all over town are telling me this is the vengeful hand of god coming to smote us. I have tried to explain that San Diego is no where near Germany and about the followers of the ancient Cult of Braunschweiger but they all looked at me like I was crazy, Idiots. Anyway, I got to witness an awesome force of nature that made my heart skip and my eyes water which rarely happens these days. Awesome!

Will he be known as David Coppafeel from now on?

I think it is gonna be a tough row to hoe. I am referring of course to the FBI's investigation into David Copperfield's alleged sexual assault case. Not a lot of details are being released, so far you can only find out that and as of yet, unidentified woman has made claims that Copperfield,"forced himself upon her". The FBI has searched his warehouse facility and one of his homes seeking evidence to support her claim. You have to appreciate how hard it is gonna be for them to find anything. This guy made the Statue of Liberty vanish for god sake, I think he can hide a small amount of dirty clothing. What about the hypnosis thing? Man he could probably just attack you and next thing you know, you see a shiny watch and blam-o, you can't remember anything and wonder how you got crabs. This guy could do just about anything and get away with it. He could easily deal with testifying witnesses. I saw him turn a woman into a tiger on stage. Women can talk but tigers can't. Plus who is gonna believe that anyone could sexually assault a tiger? No one, that's who. Copperfield could be guilty but he is gonna walk away from this one unless someone does something. I thing the old adage "to catch a thief, use a thief", works in this case. The FBI should get Penn and Teller to help them out. They know how the magic works and I am positive that, with their help, the evidence would not go missing for long. I think there is a lesson to be learned from all this though and it isn't just to be afraid of magic but, more importantly, don't ever let your guard down around a full grown guy with a mullet, or as I like to call it trailer rape hair.

I am always amazed.

SO it turns out that there is a trailer park near St. Petersburg, Florida, wherein 95 of the 200 tenants are registered sex offenders. How the hell can that be. Aren't trailer parks bad enough without the majority of the trailer park association being rapists and baby diddlers? The worst part about the story I was reading is that one of the guys was complaining about his rights. Look, I realize that the American Judicial system is flawed but if you are a registered sex offender in most states, you did something to earn the title. In a perfect world, i would have a pool fulla bitches and would be shot in the head and thrown in a really hot furnace, burn, burn, burn, end of you, end of problem. That's not the way we do things around here though so you can live in your molester Shangri-la, just don't whine about your rights. I would hate to be a paperboy in that neighborhood man. This would be a perfect place to start up my "Exploding Decoy Sodomy Baby" baby rape defense system. It is basically just 30 pounds of mid-grade plastic explosives that have been molded into a child shape with triggers on the genital area. I got the idea from Caddyshack, you know the part with the gophers. Since I am on the subject of molesters I also have to talk about priests again. The California Arch-Diocese has not only sold off some of the property they own to pay their dirty finger money. Now they have the balls to ask their parishioners for money. They are sending letters to one hundred thousand San Diego county Catholics to ask for donations. What kinda nuts do these guys have? First they knowingly cover up the crimes. Then, when caught and convicted, they sell properties like nuns homes and schools. Now they have the cajones to ask people who didn't molest children or help cover it all up, for money. How the hell is the Catholic church still so big? As if the inquisition wasn't enough to shake peoples faith or even the crusades but this is ridiculous. Can we please stop coddling baby rapers and just kill them for the sake of the gene pool and humanity?

On the topic of greatest hits.

No, no, no, no, one thousand times over, no! You can should not be able to do it. It should be stopped. Making a greatest hits album when you have only been around for a few years and have only put out crap. It should be illegal. I was just reading the news and found out that the Spice Girls are releasing a greatest hits album. The Spice Girls? How is it that we have reached a point in the music industry that any fly by night, crap band can have a greatest hits album? Godsmack has a greatest hits album and they suck nuts. Creed has a greatest hits album and they suck the nuts Godsmack turns down. How the hell can this continue? Look I hate a lot of bands that people call classic, Led Zepplin, The Eagles, The Grateful Dead, yes I hate them all but at least, when they made greatest hits albums, they had been around long enough to deserve the title greatest hits. You retarded bastards in the music industry. Why don't you just do us all a favor and eat some red hot, molten poison, die, die, die! Stop making those horrible, So That's What I Call Music compilation albums and that creepy Kids Bop garbage. Grow some integrity and stop trying to squeeze every tiny penny you can out of every lousy band you sign to one of your shit-stain contracts. Above all, stop killing the once proud ideal of a greatest hits album, let bands earn them. Look at Creed, the Spice Girls, Godsmack, all that garbage. Don't you have to have at least one good song before you can be called great? While I am on the subject, nothing, and I mean nothing from Aerosmith's Pump album should have been allowed on their greatest hits album. After they recorded Janie's got a gun, they should have done the honorable thing and committed ritual suicide with a three foot long heroin needle. Also, the Red Hot Chili Peppers should never be allowed an award for any song with the word California, or any allusions to living in said state, Freaky Styley, Uplift Mofo Party Plan, Mothers Milk, and the original self titled and that's it everything else is garbage-amundo as Fonz would say. That is my music though of the day.

My new band.

Since it seams music is not going to get any better in the near future, I have decided to give up and cash in on the industry. Yes, I know it is selling out but I think I want the money and comfort that comes alone with it. I decided that my band will be a fusion of Goth and Emo with just a hint of heavy industrial. It will be fondly reminiscent of the 1983 Ministry release, With Sympathy, only not as heavy. I think this is the type of band I need to really get a strong fan base without going over board and having the fan super structure cave in on itself. Of course to survive in this market I will need to write very deep lyrics, there are so many intelligent people in the world today and they demand some wicked smart lyrics with heavy, emotional undertones. Lyrics like, " black nails running crimson slashes down her alabaster back, I am darkness, I am hunger, I am the devils shrimp fork and you are his prawn". Deep huh? Then you need political lyrics. like I wrote for the song "White House, Black Heart", really intense stuff their too. You need to have emotional songs about sex too, in the song "Crygina", I write," Salty tears fill my navel. Am I man? am I woman? Enormous clitoris, or just half a male?" I really think the kids of today will accept these lyrics. I also get into some deep family issues in the song "Uncle Badlap". The biggest part of the band is that I need a good name that really hits home with the kids. It has to have duplicity, it needs to say I am soft and hard at the same time. After many strained hours of deep thought, I came up with the name "Shit Stained Glass Window". What an amazing name, don't you think? Stained glass is beautiful and expensive but if you smear feces on it, it becomes cheep and ugly. Feces can be hard or soft, unbendable or as malleable as Play-Doh. And Glass, well that starts out as sand, then becomes liquid, then solid, wow deep stuff there. So that is all set up, I just have to get the band together, start practicing, lose 75 pounds, buy some tight, black Levis, learn to cry and get those recording contracts out there. It's gonna be so cool to be 34 years old and play in a rock band. Thank you Bow-Flex.

I am a visionary baby!

Forecast: Sex and Marriage With Robots by 2050.

that is the headline on Foxnews.com's, Science Live section. I told you, I told you all. The push for sex robots just needed a little backing and here we are to day, looking at a better future for all. Yes, imagine the world of tomorrow, going to shows to see the newest concept cars and, of course, concept sex robots. Recently several car companies released their plans for the vehicles of 2050 and right on their heals, Japanese robo-technologists reveal the fact that they are working on relationship compatible robots. I think that 2050 is a bit of a wait for the robot sex though, I think we need to push it up a bit but it is a step in the right direction. So hooray and hazzah. So with the robot sex story out of the way, I can tell you why this headline bugs me. Marriage? Why would people marry their robo-whore? I just don't get it. You go to the sex robot store and you find a hot sexy robot, purchase it and take it home. The two of you engage in some of the low down dirty and, after a few months you realize you are in love with your sex robot. So you hop in the car, drive on down to Massachusetts and tell the local Justice O' the Peace that you want to get hitched to your sex robot. After a short ceremony that would go something like this.
JOP: Do you, Carl, take this sex robot to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Carl: I do...(retarded empty smile)
JOP: And do you, sex robot, take Carl to be your lawfully wedded husband?
SR: Beep.
JOP: I now pronounce you husband and sex robot wife you may kiss the robo-bride.

Six months later where are you? Sitting on your couch in a wife beater, watching television, robo-wife is in the kitchen, beeping at you while you try to catch the play by play of the game. You feel like half a man ever since you guys had that big fight when you looked at that other sex robot on the street. You know, the newer model with the breast upgrade. The fight got pretty bad and you ended up loosing your cool and having a black eye installed on your robo- wife. Why was she so mad anyway? Maybe it is because, since you got married, she hasn't been downloading as many sex programs as she used to. Maybe the cellulite implants on her thighs weren't the best idea. Whatever the reason, you just aren't happy anymore and she won't stop beeping at you. Then one day it happens. You have a little too much to drink, she makes a sexy move in the bedroom but you are too tipsy to achieve an erection. She beeps mockingly at you, beeps about you not even being a man. Well, that is the last beep she will ever make and, in a drunken rage, you smash her plastic skull with your bedside lamp. That's when you realize what you did. What now? "Oh my god", you panic "I killed my wife". Terrifying visions of being locked up in prison and being the arian brotherhoods sex robot. So you do the only thing you can do, tie a sheet into a noose, throw it over the second floor railing and jump. A quick snap and it is all over as your last earthly thought trickle down your leg. Of course that was a stupid thing to do because you only broke a robot that you were stupid enough to marry. I guess my point is this. Marriage is bad but sex robots are oh so wonderful.

Damn it!

So the morning news once again hands me evidence of my failure. This morning I woke up feeling mountain fresh and well rested, calm as the Buddha, I flick on the morning news and what do I get? Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Damn it! Once again, I didn't win and, as usual, the committee didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face or even call. It's just like the last two Nobel Prize's I was up for. What is so hard about calling? I don't get it. Can't they afford just one call from Oslo? Cheapskates! And what did Gore win for? Making people aware of global warming, how hard is that? I am aware of temperature change every time I go out side, big deal. What about my Waffles for the Homeless initiative? That is years ahead of it's time. Not only does it supply a well balanced food supply to the homeless, you also can throw them like frisbee discs at the homeless to brighten your day. It's win-win, you go to work happy and relaxed, maybe with an anecdote about how one bum jumped high in the air and caught the waffle with his/her teeth and the bums are well fed and carbed up for a days panhandling. This feels just like last year when that young go getter, Roger Kornberg, won with his little DNA coding blahdeblah. I think many people on the board felt that my 'subatomic destabilization and acceleration of Mentos particles in a Diet Coke field', thesis was far more enlightening. As usual though, the award follows the money and let me tell you, it's no surprise to see a biology professor driving a half million dollar McCleren. And of course I must revisit my 2004 disgrace at the hands of Linda Buck and Richard Axel, when they used shameless sex and blackmail to surpass my attempt at taking the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, with my discovery of the Hot/Crazy gene in women. Well that's about all I can take, one more shot next year. But if my paper, 'Straight Pimpin, Saving the economy through prostitution', doesn't win the Economics catagory, well then I am just done.

Silence is golden.

My mom used to say that to me when I was a child. I would be running around the house, screaming at the top of my lungs and she would smack me and say something like," Settle down you maniac, stop making such racket, remember, silence is golden". To this day I am baffled by this series of words. How odd parents are. My mom would get my hopes up, I would settle down and think, "Golden? I shall be silent then and, when I get my gold, I will buy my own place and make all the noise I want. Also, there will be no wooden spoons in my place, so when my mom visits, she doesn't have anything to smack me with". I would be silent for minutes at a time yet no gold would come. I tried several approaches to this idea. I even went as far as visiting a kid in my school that was a deaf mute. I was sure, if silence were truly golden, this kid would be swimming in a money bin, reminiscent of Scrooge McDucks. But, to my chagrin, he was poor as well, in fact, it seemed that his family had less money than mine. That made no sense to me, I needed to find more information, I also needed to go find a rich person. There was a girl in my school that was one of the loudest, most irritating blab machines you could imagine and she always bragged about her daddies money. That seemed odd to me, "if silence is golden, how can she be rich? " I needed to find out, so I went in search of her home. I never found it. I grew up in a very small town and this girl walked to school, so she must have lived close by but I never found her house. I was concerned about this and very confused until one fateful day, I flipped on my TV and watched the film,"Darby O'Gill and the Little People". Silence is not golden, you just need to be quiet in order to sneak up on leprechauns, once you capture one you cam wish for gold. As for the mystery girl and her elusive home. She didn't have one, she was a Banshee. A young and temperamental one at that. She was obviously protecting the pot o' gold somewhere in my home town. Years later I would disprove my own theory when, at a high school party, I tried to banish her to the netherworld using a Bic lighter and two pints of crushed garlic. She wasn't a banshee, just a bitch. Anyway, live and learn I guess.

Zombie Tornado.

I think that the time has come wherein Americans can finally embrace a movie such as Zombie Tornado. It would be great. It would have to start out somewhere in the Mid-West. Say at a tornado research lab in Southern Illinois. During a test in which the scientists are checking a tornadoes reaction to radioactive waste a massive class five touches down and assimilates the waste into itself. It then crosses into a nearby graveyard and then into a small town. The radiation effects the corpses and towns people and turns them into zombies. The radioactive tornado will not stop whipping and now it is heading for downtown Chicago. The tornado leaves a wake of destruction as it launches flesh eating zombies across the landscape. The story would need a hero and you know it has to be Samuel L Jackson and a heroine, some hot chick with big bosooms and no real problem doing a shower scene. I think the climax of the movie would have to take place in Soldier Field, which is where they would lure the tornado using all the brains from a nearby medical lab as bait. Then, using the natural winds of Chicago, our heroes would make their way into the radioactive eye of the storm and find a way to destroy it and the zombies. That part of the plot hasn't been figured out yet but I think it can be worked in later. So that's it America. Are you ready for Zombie Tornado? Terror at 300 miles per hour! Your fear barometer will rise! The winds of evil are blowing!

Our kids is learned good.

Yesterday i purchased a copy of he San Diego Union Tribune, i wanted to do a crossword and check football stats, there is no other reason to purchase this drivel since most US newspapers are just reprints of AP wires or so horribly skewed by the owners politics, that reading the news from them is painful at best. Yesterday got me though. The lead article was about testing in schools. It seems some of our local school districts would like to be able to test kids out in English and Spanish. Now, does that mean that children will have to learn to be bilingual, would the American kids get tested in Spanish and the Mexican kids get tested in English? No, of course not, that would be hard to do and take too much time. the much simpler answer is to have the Mexican kids get tested in Spanish and the American kids tested in English. That will not only make the school boards seem more progressive but, it also helps keep a definite rift between the cultures. I do so hate people who hide their laziness behind a wall of pretend political correctness. I am all for being bilingual, I wish that I was forced to learn another language or two when I was a kid. In the time when I could easily absorb that kind of knowledge and retain it. Instead I am now a mono-linguist that suffers the average amount of trouble ordering tacos that many Americans my age have. This Spanish testing crap is just that, a load of crap. If you are a teacher and your kids don't understand English, it is your job to teach them English. Now I know this will piss some people off but I will say it anyway. If you go to school in American you should have to learn English! That is a point I must set my foot firmly down upon. I can not think of any country in the world wherein you can go to their public schools and not know their language. You have to know yours and learn theirs, not only is that good for you but it is just plain common courtesy. The idea behind the whole Melting pot statement from way back was that people would move here and assimilate into the country, it's not supposed to be the other way around. You can already take your drivers test in four or five non-English languages, which is helpful since all road signs are in English. You know if this passes, our already strained school system will have an even harder time when you have to have classes in the national languages of every country that emigrates to America. This country will just become one big, flat Tower of Babel. Isn't it confusing enough in this country just trying to understand people from the South?

On the subject of symbolism.

Go to any major city in the world and look for architecture that has some symbolic meaning and you will find it. Washington D.C. has its penises, breasts, sun bursts bulls and owls. New York has the Five Points. Paris has the Pyramid at the eagles, or owls, head, just east of the Arc de Triomphe, depending what ancient symbolism you want to use. Check out the sun burst building of the notoriously named Bush House in London, home to the BBC World Service. Then we have the Pentagon. Is it a pentagram, or a pentacle? Either way it is more evidence of the lunatics that built the planets cities having deep ties to symbolism. Now some people are pissed off about the "Swastika" building on Coronado Island in San Diego. If you have Google Earth, go to 32 degrees 40'29.36"N, by 117 degrees 09'27.75W, there you will see a building laid out in a right facing swastika pattern. This building has many people outraged and the city is planning on covering it up which would cost tax payers anywhere from six hundred thousand, to one million dollars. People are even more outraged because the building is a US Navy barracks, some say it is in poor taste to have a Nazi symbol on an American military base. Well, you have to see the big picture here and if you look directly to the west two blocks, you can see a couple of buildings lined up that look a whole lot like airplanes flying directly toward the swastika. I am serious, look at it. These buildings don't make the news but they are there. Now using the power of obvious symbolism and a bit of common sense, you too can piece this puzzle together. Take a Navy base, add some airplane symbols, plus a swastika, then a dash of history and you get what? Remember that whole thing, what was it called? Oh yeah, World War Two. That thing, where American bombers bombed Germany. Our country helped the Allied Forces beat the Axis Forces. Remember that? This is obviously some kind of tribute to that. I am not saying it is in the best of taste but it is not worth the money to cover it up. I live in San Diego and I don't want to pay for it. Hell, they could just name the whole thing a WWII memorial and no one would care. There, problem solved. Now if you want a symbolism mystery, explain to me why Fort Jay on Governors Island in New York, seems to be on the back of either a pentagram or a turtle. Maybe it's a pentaturtle, I don't know, I really never got symbolism.

The male dominated media.

I was recently told that the American media is run by men. In fact, I have heard that many of the businesses in our country are controlled by men. Some people have even gone so far to say that the entire world is controlled by human males. I gotta say that all sounds kinda iffy to me. Here is why. First off, our media. The American media tends to shy away from showing blood, gore and most forms of violence on television. Men like that kind of stuff though, I mean, we really get a kick out of it. From very young ages we are fascinated by death and dismemberment. Young boys, finding a bloated corpse of a small forest creature, will, invariably sit for hours simply poking it with a stick. This is normal childhood behavior and should not cause any concern in parents. it is not until you catch your child inserting his penis into the corpse that you should become worried, that is a telltale sign of some deeper trauma. So the lack of violent imagery on television is one of the clues that proves men don't run the media. Another example is music. If the music companies were controlled by men, the music videos of the mid to late 1980s would have never gone out of style. Warrant's video for the song 'Cherrie Pie', would most likely be our basic model that would be used to build all other music videos. If the music industry was male controlled every video to date would be muscle cars, big oily tits and a cameo by Captain Lou Albano. There are just so many ways to tell that men don't control the media. Look at tool commercials for god sake. Where is the dirt? where is the blood? why are all the tools on these commercials clean now? How come the people on the commercials all have eye protection and smocks? Men don't wear that crap in their shops, that is why we have old shirts and the ability to duck. As for the world. I can prove that our world is not ruled by men using one simple fact. It is this. Peeing in bottles is frowned upon in our society. See, if I was in the car on a long drive and had to pee, I could just pee into a bottle and continue on my way. However, in this non-male dominated society that would be unsanitary. No, I have to stop and use one of those metal, germ buckets that are placed so inconveniently along the side of the road. Now do I even have to go back to the 90's and talk about all that post grunge, "it's okay for a man to cry" BS? Damn you Eddie Vedder! No man created these things unless he was under duress from some nagging, ambivalent, demonic force. I of course refer to the "power wife". She is our secret ruler, the one who creates these ridiculous ideas and feeds them to us. A rich, bored, doting old woman with no sense of right or wrong. Years ago she destroyed the man everyone thinks is in power and devoured his male soul. You want proof? Just look at Ted Turner a during the Jane Fonda years, one word, "colorization". The world is full of these evil, old bitches, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton, Sally Fields, they are everywhere. Now you know the truth, now you have the final piece of the puzzle. Now stand up with me and shout, "I am gonna piss in this Gatorade bottle while I am driving, partly because I am lazy, but mostly because I am a man, plus it is actually more sanitary than that rat infested, lean-to that people call a rest stop".

Music, the media and me.

I was sitting here drinking and thinking about how annoying music lately. how the media shoves tons of shit down our throats. About how people call bands like, the Deftones or Godsmack, heavy metal. Then I think back to the days when I sat on the floor of my dads garage, just playing with my Tonka trucks. My pops would be listening to Hank Williams or Johnny Cash, then my brother would get home and be loudly playing some Blue Oyster Cult in the tape deck of his '76 Suburban. "Turn that racket off!", my dad would yell. To wit my brother would grumble and turn it off. I should say that some kids would have continued to play the music but my dad is one of those dads you never messed with. My bro would mumble about BOC still being music and how good it was, my father, for his part, still thought it was crap. I will say that the song 'Don't fear the Reaper', is pretty sweet, especially when they used it as the opening song for the mini-series version of Stephen Kings, The Stand, that was awesome.
Soon I start thinking about music and how it changes. Years later I was in my fathers garage trying to turn over a stuck 454. I was listening to one of my favorite albums, Anthrax, Among The Living, which, strangely enough also has a lot to do with Steven Kings, 'The Stand'. The song Among the Living is all about 'The Walking Dude'. Of course 'I am the Law' is about Judge Dredd but 'Skeletons', is all about the story 'Apt Pupil'.
So, okay, popular music sucks but this seems to be opening a new idea for me, remember how popular Rob Zombie was for a while? Now all he does is make horror movies that are pretty sweet. So that's it. Wow, I just realized it. You never hear a crappy song, in a good horror movie. Damn it, that's the connection. All the music you hear on the radio is crap because it was made by non-violent and whoafully boring people. I get it now. Johnny Cash was a lunatic in his youth and most likely until his death. Even Earnest Tubbs from the Grande Olde Oprey was a violent person. That's it, that is the connection the media doesn't want you to see. Violence is a creative outlet and creative and talented people are violent. All the popular bands right now are pussies, hell, a lot of them are European, or have a Euro-trash lean. I am blown away by this discovery. Intelligence+ mediocre horror novels + musical talent= decent music, where as no intellegence + stupid hairdo+ whining - testes = scott Stapp. It is all so simple. Look at the good bands out there and tell me these equations don't work. I dare you.

More annoying comercial laziness.

Yet another thing that annoys me is the recent surge of Visa commercials wherein everyone is in a shop, or deli, or, the latest one, a sports store. Every one is moving in very mechanically, well oiled order as they pay for merchandise with their Visa check cards. Eventually a person with plain old cash gets to the register and destroys the order of the queue causing havoc and the breaking of plates and dropping of merchandise. What most people think this commercial is telling you is that having a check card is quick, hassle free and convenient. What this commercial says to me is much worse. First of all, the producers show people to be more robotic than human, moving in a way that suggests order versus error. error is a much sneered at aspect of the human experience. Then you have the efficiency of the Card, it is quick and you get done shopping fast and you are out the door. This especially gets to the human male, who tends to dislike the shopping experience all together. Of course then you have everyone glaring at the poor, dumb sap that used cash instead of a check card. This part gets to people because of that "gym class fat kid" syndrome. People hate it when they are being looked down on as outsiders, very agoraphobic in its presentation. So many small aspects of this commercial tell your brain that the card is better than cash and people don't even take notice of it, they just accept it. However, this commercial really pisses me off and here is why. First, I do not like order, disarray is more my speed, I like the flaws and faults in human beings, they make for good jokes. Nothing can be funny in a world of robotic, hive minded people but that is what the media, the government, big business..etc., want us to be, automatic. Do not think, only react to the proper stimulus, jump when told, sit when told and above all, spend, spend, spend. Second, no one seems to care that the person at the cash register seems dumbfounded by cash. It is a blatant acceptance of worker stupidity, you have ruined the workers day by making them think, if only for one second. Really, why should a person at a cash register have to make change for you, you could just be using the card, crazy outsider. Third thing , before I wrap up, the whole one mindedness of the whole thing, all those people, hating you because you aren't like them and have thrown off their routine. This is a direct psychological attack at people to make them conform to the easy way of life. A real "one of us", moment. So all these undertones aside, what is the overtone of this whole commercial series? That is simple, it is this. Give us your money! That is it. Banks want to control your money, they want credit to rule and cash to vanish. It has been happening since we let them take away the gold standard. Cash in hand is valuable and hard to control. Check cards are different, it's money you can't see and feel, you are detached from it, therefore you can spend it easier. It's like making a decision between two women, one will live and one will die. One woman you know, one you have never met. So who lives and who dies? It's a much easier decision when you don't know the one woman. So of course the one with the best tits lives, especially if she is dressed kinda trashy. So beware of these so called commercials, they are really part of the bigger plot to screw you.

Why is all this difficult?

I can't take it anymore. I keep seeing infomercials that make simple tasks seem really hard to do. Can flipping an omelet really be that hard? I have to know. There is half hour slot about a machine that opens jars for a person. How is that so impossible to do? The lady in the ad gets spaghetti sauce all over herself and the kitchen, this may seem erotic to many Italians but it just scares me. Then I saw one where a lady needed a machine to make sure she only got one square of paper towel at a time. Without the machines help, she had tissue all over the place, she nearly got strangled by it, I was mortified. I know what you are gonna think about all this. They make these menial tasks seem difficult so they can sell the product but what if it's worse than that? What if our new way of life in America has brought de-evolution to such a horrendous point, that we actually have become that inept as a society. What will this world be like in ten years, when we need three machines and a running start just to open a box of Corn Flakes? The media claims they care about the laziness and sloth of the society, yet, they keep pushing these items on us. When Jerry Springer first became popular, we all said,"hey, they are just actors, that many people can't really be that stupid". Well, as a future blog will show, I have been doing the math and I am afraid that we are all wrong. That many people can be that stupid and it is going to destroy our planet. That is why I am devoting this weeks pissings to all the stupid people of the media. I am trying to inform you, before our world is awash in morons with bad motor control and frantic hand, eye coordination. I have often vowed not to have children and soon you will understand why, other than the fact that they would wreck my action figures and ruin the body of my chosen mate/mates/ pool fulla bitches. If you are the breeding kind, I implore you to heed my warnings this week. Transmission ended....


I would also like to add yet another word to the world. The words is Trangsta: noun: A Gangsta in training, typically white, in the middle of an obvious decision whether or not to be trailer trash or go thug. Use it in health.

Oh Canada!

So, as of yesterday morning, the Canadian dollar and the American dollar are holding equal value. If that idea doesn't convince you that our economy is on a downward slide to hell, then I guess nothing will. Even money with Canada? Just last year I was in Winnipeg and we were at a poor, $1.10 to one. I grew up in Minnesota, not too far from the Canadian border and a couple times in my life I have ventured over their to get the most out of my buck but now that would be ludicrous. Face it, the only really good reason to go to Canada, in the past, was the exchange rate, well, that and the fact that you can drink at 18 but I am past that reason and feel a little too old to be checking out 18 year old girls. Economists have said that the even dollar value is not happening because our dollar is loosing value but because Canada's manufacturing and export businesses are getting stronger. I didn't even know that they had an export trade in Canada. After all, you can only portage so much in a canoe there Pasquinel. Americans don't really need any more Canadian beaver pelts and we can supply our own dead comics so that cuts their trade industry. As for manufacturing, do we really want to wear the label "Made in Canada"? Come on America, let's start manufacturing things again. Let's get out of this funk and get our economy back on track. Let's get that Canadian dollar back to where it belongs, in the toilet versus our own. You may think that I am Canada hater because of my rant but that is not true, I love Canada but, if you take away the exchange rate, it's just not worth it to go there. Do you get it? Be increasing our economic value I am also trying to save Canada's. Of course this could all be plot by the "Lorne Michaels" of this planet to get more Canadians to visit, or move, to America, thereby keeping a strong back stock of Saturday Night Live related movies on the slate for centuries to come.

Here come the space diseases.

Over he weekend a meteorite crashed in Souther Peru, near Lake Titicaca, leaving a small, yet somewhat foul smelling crater. Those of us who are still fans of Beavis and Butthead must, first recognize the wonderful humor in saying Titicaca. I will give you this moment to mumble the words to yourself, then on with the story. Now, meteorites are not all that uncommon being that we live on a planet that travels regularly through a large asteroid field. The weird part about this one is that the people of the area are claiming that they are becoming ill and believe it is from some side effect of the meteorite. Many scientists are rejecting their illnesses, stating that the meteorite in question shows nothing more than the average amount of metals and debris that are normally found in such events. I have to wonder though. What about all the other crashes that the scientists snubbed as non-contaminated? 1958 in Pheonixville, Pennsylvania, for instance. A small meteor crashed outside of town, when a local transient happened upon it, poked it with a stick and was attacked by an amoeba like alien that began terrorizing the town, nearly wiping it out. Luckily it's weakness, cold, was found and it was stopped in time. Then in 1982, in the Antarctic, a research team came across what they believed to be a downed comet, it later turned out to be an alien spacecraft. The alien on board could take over peoples bodies through their blood and became a grotesque and terrifying symbiot. Lucky for the world, a daring researcher by the name of R.J. MacReady found that the creature couldn't handle fire and he stopped it before it could destroy our world. I will also point out the 1971 crash of a military satellite that brought back a disease from space that caused rapid clotting of blood. This situation was contained but was nearly a total disaster, since the military planned on detonating a nuclear warhead in order to burn the disease away, if it could not be contained. There are many more such instances that you can find on the internet, which worries me, because that means several more have been covered up by the governments of many nations. You can go as far back as the 1908 Tunguska Event, in which a large comet crashed into the planet, reportedly releasing several otherworldly monsters from the deepest pits of Hades loose upon the planet. This is why I worry about this crater in Southern Peru and you should as well. I am not trying to make you paranoid by the way, if you live on this planet you already should be or you are missing something.

New looks at old trash.

So I actually Googled the Britney Spears VMA show to see what everyone had been talking about and let me just say "Hahahaha". My oh my, that was good stuff there my friends, wow. Reviewers had said that she looked uncomfortable and stiff on stage but I don't think that does it justice. I would say she looked like she was stoned on a mixture of Xanax, cough syrup and heroin, that she had taken in order to calm herself enough to be roughly sodomized by a weedwacker while two large Eastern European men loving smashed her kneecaps with wooden mallets. Short version, she looked wasted and out of it. I am pretty sure that she was on large doses of drugs and alcohol (new word creation, by Joe. Alcho-hole: noun: A person who regularly engages in drunken sex with strangers). Now that she has flopped so heavily on the stage of life all of the people that loved and adored her have turned their backs on her, today it was reported that her long time management company has ditched her. So what is so funny about this? I'll tell you. Britney is not a person, she is a creation of a machine. She has been in the spotlight since she was five years old. She was born human but she was turned into a pop icon, like Ivan Drago in Rocky 4. Remember the montage they showed of how they trained him, fed him drugs, and kept him distant from realities that may confuse his fighting edge? Britney is like that except I felt bad for Drago, damn Russians. Britney, Lindsey, Christina, they are all from the same basic group of control and test children and at some point in time they have all been akin to a malfunctioning fembot. I think it is funny that large entertainment companies find these people as children and then raise and mold them into what you see before you. They are taught to how to sing to the expected popular industry standard, dance in a way that is non-pornographic but none the less arousing and to act in a fashion that is just passable enough to star in a cheeseball Disney flick. At no time are these kids taught to deal with reality. Rejection is unknown to them and absolutely crushing. Not getting their way or what they want, unheard of. Imagine Tarzan being raised, not by apes but instead, robotic, Mormon talent agents with a television fetish, upgraded cruelty chips and burnt out piety circuits, no survival abilities needed just dance and the world will love you, fail us and we will cut you off and throw you into the jungle, see how the lions like your dancing. Okay back to why this is funny to me. Because, this is just the tip of the iceberg friends. Sure Britney is a wreck and many of the other kid stars are falling apart but you have to think back to so many of the others. Willis robbing a convenience store, Danny Partridge and his wild nights away from the bus, who can forget E.T.s Gertie sitting in Studio 54, snorting coke at thirteen years of age? See as time passes the messed up kids just get more plentiful. Parents want their kids to be famous and don't really care about the costs to their humanity. Come on, even Dr. Frankenstein took better emotional care of his monster that people take of these kids. So just expect that the entertainment breeding companies to pour out more and more child stars for each one that fails until this world is dragged under by a flood of pathetic former uberkid corpses, all speed balled to death in Americas alleys of the formerly appreciated. Misery makes good comedy and I think there is a torrent of funny just beyond the horizon.

A review of recent news you may have missed.

There have been a few news stories that people have not been reporting about that I feel need to be covered. I want to start off with one about OJ Simpson, that crazy, crazy man. What in the hell goes through that guys head I wonder? If you don't know, OJ is in jail for allegedly robbing a Las Vegas Sport memorabilia shop along with two armed accomplices. The police have video tape of him and these men removing things from the shop and claim there were guns involved but there are no real clear reports out so far but Simpson is being held without bail. I just gotta say wow, that's it, just wow! You get away with a double homicide because your Isotoners shrank and now you do something just plain retarded? What is wrong with this guys bean? He didn't suffer that many concussions in his NFL days. What a strange, crazy, stupid man.
Here is another good one for do it yourselfers. A man from Melvindale, MI., was found beheaded by a home made guillotine. The body was found in a wooded area near a shopping center. Apparently the death machine was about a six foot long sing arm that was bolted to a tree. Along with the tools and part used to make the guillotine they also found his receipt from the local bigbox building center. One stops to wonder if the dead man used and coupons or bought any sales items. I just think that would be kinda funny if you were about to kill yourself but still shopping for the best deal.
Finally the nuns get screwed. Our very own California Roman Catholic Arch Diocese is selling off one of it's convents in the Santa Barbara area. The nuns have to be out by December 31st of this year. Sister Angela Escalera, the local orders Superior had this to say,“We’re just so hurt by this, and what hurts the most is what the money will be used for, to help pay for the pedophile priests. We have to sacrifice our home for that?” Oh buck up there Sister, the lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe if you dress up like a choir boy one of those nice priests will take you in, hey that sounds just about wacky enough a plot to make a Disney movie out of.
Well those are my top three news stories I wanted to make sure you didn't miss out on and I hope they brightened your day as much as they did mine.