Pardon me if I offend: 4, The Stupidining continues.

I hate people, all week I have been pointing out that the America is filled with dim witted, poorly educated, paranoid, lazy morons. I have been trying to show people my point of view using various examples but, honestly, was having trouble finding something recent to display this to you. Well, I gotta say, if you want something, just stop lookig for it and it will find you. Tonight I was home watching Jeopardy, no real plans for what to write, when my buddy Jeff called me. "Dude, did you here about the Mooninite garbage in Boston"? Jeff asked ". No" was my reply. I have since updated myself on this news story and it goes a bit like this.
One Mr. Peter Berdovsky, was arrested and is facing charges of "placing a hoax device in a way that results in a panic" this is a felony charge in our paranoid country by the way, Berdovsky was arrested for, allegedly placing as many as nine LED displays of the mooninite Ignignokt, from Cartoon Networks, Aqua Teen Hungerforce, in various locations in the Boston area. Eventually some wingnut, non-cartoon watching fudgepucker, discovered on of these lite-bright displays and, being the nervous nelly type of fathead that is thriving in our modern post 911 world, called the bomb squad. The bomb squad shut down several major bridges and intersections in Boston, blocking up traffic for hours and, now this is a big one, they detonated one of the LEDs. They did it, they finally went and did it, they blew it up! (go Chuck Heston, NRA forever). Okay, not to throw caution to the wind or anything but, if you work for the bomb squad, shouldn't you, as an explosives expert be relatively aware of the make up of a bomb? If you look this story up on CNN. com you can see a picture of the LED in question, I am no bomb expert but I am a cartoon genius, this item would have made me laugh and probably steel it,(okay Marty, definately steel it), at no point would I have thought, "oh no a bomb"! You can not fault the bomb squad guys for making it go explodey, however because you know if you could go around blowing things up for work, you would do the same thing. To continue, Massachusetts Attorney General, the honorable Martha Coakley, when asked about the device was quoted as saying,"It was a very sinister looking device, it had a battery behind it and wires". I have to wonder how a person who defines sinister in such a way, can possibly cope with living in a world so full of sinister devices, all the alarm clock bombs that wake you in the morning, a city park filled with joggers and their MP3 player bombs, how brave you are Martha, to walk in a world that, by your logic, is virtually filled with bombs. Oh never mind I remember how I can define you, I can define you as another one of the moronic, fear mongering, personality deficient, idiots who are trying to hold on to their jobs by keeping the American people in the dark about reality. The icing on the cake is, that even after Turner Broadcasting apologized for the misunderstanding, Coakley and Boston Mayor Thomas Menino are still considering a civil suit to recover the "hundreds of thousands of dollars", it cost the city to respond to the bomb scare. Oh good another frivolous law suit from some idiots who want to sue someone else for their own stupidity. Yes I do agree that a bomb scare is a frightening thing to go through but, a world full of oafish dunderheads that hold public office is far more terrifying. I di support the people in this world who risk their lives to save ours and keep us generaly safe but I hate these bumbling politicos that blow everything out of proportion. If you read this today, and you are in the Boston area, please go and support Mr. Berdovsky, he was doing his job, he wasn't trying to scare people, he is not Osama, he is a guy who needed money and he is facing a felony charge. I hope he is set free, of course and if he is not, I would like to also point out that these ATHF displays have been set up in nine, count 'em, nine other major US cities and so far Boston is the only one that has pulled this level of stupidity.

Peter Berdovsky is being arraigned at 9 0' clock AM, Thursday morning at the Charlstown District Courthouse. Free country my ass. By the way you can also call Martha Coakleys office at (617) 727-2200.

Pardon me if I offend: Part 3, The stupidining

I now firmly and with mighty resolve believe that America is one of the most poorly educated countries in the world, just barely holding on to our "not completely the stupidist", title, only because some countries don't have schools. For crying out loud, have you ever walked the streets of this country? There are so many people that fit into the bonehead demographic it is terrifying. Intelligence is a hard area to define, it is a variable, what makes one person seem intelligent to one group of people, may make another group believe the same person to be dumb as a bag of rocks. For instance a person who is a mathematical genius, but lacking in knowledge of european history, may just, to a group of european historians, be considered pretty stupid. The same goes for the guy that can tell you, exactly what Wellington did so well at Waterloo but for the life of him can't do PI to even the twentieth place. These are a subset of humanity that we call, the Intellegensia, people who usually know a lot about one or two academic subects and use them to prove that they are smarter than you, by never venturing outside of their area of expertise. I hate these people! It is a good thing, to have a main interest but knowledge is so much more than that, the human brains capacity to store and recall is enormous, in fact unchartable. Going around believing you are one of the worlds intellectual elite simply because you're really good at algebra is just plain stupid. These Intellegensia , the people in our society that believe they are so much smarter than the common man, usually have no idea how to survive in our nations streets. The people who can survive out there in the crazy concrete jungles of the world, hold a whole different kind of brain power. "Street smart", as some people call it, is considered, having the shrewd resourcefulness to survive in the city. This is actually a subset of intellegence. Street smart people know little of the the reading, writing and arithmetic side of the world but lots about which way the wind is blowing on the street but tend to read at a crackhead level. You will, at varying intervals of your life, if you search enough, find a couple of people who fit somewhere in the middle. Very wise in both academia and urban survival, many not too bad at surviving in the woods as well. People who adapt to many situations easily and use their brains to get them through the rough times, this is another subset, let's call them, simply, Adaptors. After you use up these three subsets, what do you have left? Why, the average American of course. My god how irritatingly retarded your average man on the streets is these days. I suppose working at a bar I hear a bit more mush braining than most people, I will tell you, if you don't hear it, consider yourself lucky. There are absolute armies of dolts walking our streets, they hold jobs, god knows how. they drive cars, a most dangerous thing for a person with a degenerate brain to be allowed access to. Worst of all, they breed, constantly, an unstoppable wave of idiot on idiot reproduction, flooding our world with slackjawed moron babies from the planet Duh. These, things, do not fit into any of the three common subsets of our national brain trust and more than anything, they want the brainy people dead! Our streets are filled with them, just walk through any area of your town, that has a shopping district and listen to the babbling, not for too long though, you may just go insane. I actually heard a young lady in down town San Diego tell her friend that, and I quote," their bosses should pay those kids in Africa more so they can afford food and doctors". THAT'S A QUOTE!!!!!! There are millions of these people, they make Paris Hilton look eloquent. Having just mentioned Paris, I can also say that this moron militia has attached itself to our televisions, reality television, that has nothing to do with reality, game shows that test your ability to spin various things or pick money in a sack, even Sesame Street is stupidified, dumbed down so all the babies tar tar can understand it. I hate to bring this up but even our president is, just, so stupid, it makes me so irate, really he is the leader of the most powerful country (militarily at least) in the world and he is just more dense than a lead brick. I believe that if you combined the DNA of Paris hilton with that of Bush, you would achieve some sort of hairless monkey with an eating disorder and a learning disability. Hey I am no super genius or anything, infact, for the last few decades, I have been in an arguement with my brain and have been slowly and systematically drowning it in booze but I will say this. I am, by leaps, bounds and strides, more intellegent than the everyday man or woman on the street and that scares me, because if you know me, you know I am not all there and am just a wee bit this side o' crazy. So please educate your children, make them smart, force them to learn, this plea is coming from a person who is paraniod about attack by sea monsters from other planets. If I can see the problem, you can see the problem.

Pardon me if I offend: Part 2, The Fearining

America is a nation of cowards and it is not all our fault but the fault does lie somewhere. I am placing said fault on various evils that have taken, mostly human form. First I must point my finger at you, mister or miss local news director. God how you sicken me with your fear mongering ways, making your desk crew tell us stories about the dangers of bird flu, or how we would all be wiped out by mad cow disease. You do all of this in hopes of achieving your dream, standing at a podium in a conference room at some road side Holiday Inn and recieving your local emmy, so for that year you can gloat over all the other local news directors, the shiniest turd on the dung heap. I could blame the anchor men or field reporters but ultimately, the guy who decides what goes on the air is you, the news director. Every time you see a news blurb and they say something to the effect of,"tonight at eleven, we show you how toast could kill a loved one and Jean will have an update on those cases of spontaneous herpes", the news director is to blame. Shame on you for trying to scare people like that, just so your ratings points won't fall. How many diseases are floating around this world that could kill us at any moment? literally millions. All you need is some virus, that only pigs or cows seem to get, to decide it wants to be a real virus and boom, the next small pox. The bird flu is one they were keeping our eyes on for just this reason, waiting for pigs to catch it and then it would, naturally jump to humans. So the media has us all worried about the viral leap and all the people it is gonna kill. I really don't plan on worrying until the pig pox outbreak hits. Another blame taker in fear mongering is, of course, our own government. If you are one of those people that thinks our government has our best wishes in mind, you are crazy. The purpose of a democratic government is to mediate the will of the people, people, being inherently corruptible, have trouble pulling off said mediation over a large area, so they create government, government is made up of people elected by the masses. Since government is made up of people and people are inherently corruptible, why do people so thoroughly believe that our government has our best wishes in mind. Governments tend to be made up of a body of men and women from priveleged families, who have gone to expensive schools, that are nothing like and have nothing in common with, the regular every day working class people, who, for some odd reason, elected them. These people are used to structure and cannot handle chaos so it is in their best interests to make sure the masses stay in line. Scared people are easier to control than, well, not scared people, so using fear mongering, for them is a sound business decision. Give us terror alerts that don't really have a definition, or go by a color grid that looks like a GLBT float at a Saint Patricks Day parade and makes about as much sense. Keep on telling us how you are making us safer from a world full of terrorists and hurricanes and hurricanes that are controlled by terrorists. Tell us about all the things that will kill us on our planet so we can be scared of it. Do not, by any means let us know the real story or facts of any kind, we just couldn't handle that. If you are given all the facts about something, you can familiarize yourself with it, thereby, becoming less worried about it. If you are given massive amounts of conjecture about something and no real facts, just mountains of what if's and could be's, that thing tends to get stuck in your mind and worries you even more, face it that is a fact. Finally today I want to have a go at the fear mongerers who want me to stop eating meat. You people can go straight to hell! Meat causes cancer, meat causes heart disease, meat causes mad cow disease...Etc...Etc...adnausium. Here is something for you to ponder you dirty vegies. I am a meat eater, a carnivore, yes I eat vegetables too but my passion is flesh, I am drooling right now thinking about it. Red blood dripping onto my plate, seared on the outside to hold in the flavor, the shear joy I get when I take, as it were, my pound of flesh. You dirty hippies try to scare my kind away from the meat that makes us strong and full of irony goodness, telling us stories of blocked bowels and expanding prostates, here is what you miss. Every humans physiology is different from every others, different blood types, various acid contents, so many variables in our bodies. What I am saying is some people do not need meat to feel healthy and fit, but some people do and if you take our meat away from us and this may be fear mongering from me, we will find a way to get more meat, we will find a new source. It seems to me that I wouldn't like to be the buffalo that wanders in to the lions den, I think you get my gist there vegies, you know, let's hope you don't crash in the Andeas with me on your plane. In a game of survival of the fittest, mabye your lifestyle will keep you alive longer in a nice safe part of the world but I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of the free range human that took away my cow meat, corn fed is corn fed. I think you understand me.

Pardon me if I offend: Part 1, The Comforting

This week I have decided to pick five subjects that just irk me and give my take on them. These are subjects that show the odd de-evolution of man, even though they are in the guise of social evolution and here goes.

"So I wake to see, and lo, the comforting has come to pass"! (From, Joe Bjorklunds, The Bible as written by 2000 monkeys). The inhabitants of this small, watery rock known as Earth are going completely insane. We live in a retail society, a nation of GAP kids in pastels and denim, soccer moms in SUVs, metrosexuals flouncing about in high end clothing shops, displaying their credit cards as proudly as a drunk frat boy displays his penis on a street corner during Mardi Gras. We are in a dire place in our social evolution, something is amiss in our world. I am a wonderer of sorts, a kind of modern day nomad, one of those strange people who can not stand the status quo and can't seem to stay in the same place for a whole year. My life, I find, is so much more pleasurable when something bizarre and unusual happens to me, that I will wander, aimlessly for hours on end just hoping to find some sort of anomalism that I can stare at, poke with a stick, mabye even eat. Greasy spoon restaraunts, with large sweaty women working behind the counter who call you "hun", and offer you apple pie with american cheese on top, where, if you are brave enough to try it, you can eat the scrumptious yet unrecognizible house specialty. Places like this have all but died out, replaced instead by TGI Fatdays, Bennigans and all the other boring places our society provides us to dine. These large corporate restaraunts spend millions of dollars to make you feel comfortable, not just in the dining industry either but all of the large corporations, food, clothing, even books and movies. Millions spent yearly on making you feel welcome, cozy and above all, familiar. Apparently these enviornments make people relaxed and content and that makes them keep coming back, the atmosphere, not the food, The logo prestige, not the actual comfort of the clothes. This is the basis of the comforting, this is a terrifying outlook for our future and for the sake of saying it, here is my perspective. As far as fashion, stop dressing the same, I work the door at a local pub every weekend, in a very busy part of town, I get to watch all the club boys and club girls walk by all night. You all look the same, please take notice of this, at some point shouldn't all the little paris's and britneys realize they all showed up at the party in the same outfit? Mabye we could hope that exact thing happens one day and all the mimicks beat each other to death with their stupid little yip dogs, yeah that would be hot (ironic mockery). Not long ago I worked for a large home improvement company and would regularly have customers ask me where things were. I would tell them and eight times out of ten they would complain to me that all the stores had different set ups and how, it should be the same all over so people can find things easier. It was part of my job to listen to these unfathomable idiots but oh, the things I wanted to say, the numerous things they could heat up and penetrate various body cavities with. I hate these people, these cravin, horrible, little, have to be comfortable all the time people, no imagination, no curiosity, no urge to poke strange objects with sticks. Our society may be civilized, but in no way are we evolving, comfort and large corporations are turning us into a world of scared, fat, poorly educated shopping drones. America is the worst, so far but other countries are catchng up. Our global economy means this horrible sameness will soon plague our entire planet, nothing will be new any more, nothing will be suprising, people will be content as cattle and just as easy to control. At that point we will be de-evolved past, even the first stone age. A bunch of Neandrathals, only no hunting or foraging abilities and not even able to make a fire because Pier 1 doesn't sell a flint and tinder set. People will tell you that curiosity killed the cat and the media uses horror movies to make you think you shouldn't poke things with sticks(see The Blob,1958, independent film release) but the fact is stupidity killed the cat, I can be curious about a warm car engine but that doesn't mean I am gonna sleep on it and if you have a stick to poke something with, you have a stick to hit something with. Later you can use said stick, to start a fire and then you have a fire to cook the thing you beat to death with the stick with, I should eat before I write by the way. My point is this, large corporations want you to be comfortable because that way you will be content, so you will not get bored. boredom leads to curiosity, which leads to investigation, which leads to discovery, which leads to experience and all this turns you from a mindless shopping drone, to a well rounded, free thinking human being, with a nice firm rump as well, there are many hills and stairwells in the discovery world, good for the gluets. So please for the sake of humanity, avoid those massive chain stores and restaraunts if you can, go to a mom and pop restaraunt, buy your clothes in Tijuana, go to the less expensive strip club around the corner, sure the girls are a little dumpy but they gotta support their kids somehow, what with their baby daddy up and runnin' off like that and most importantly, you are keeping the big corporations away from your hard earned cash. All you can do is try, I can say, I am not perfect, either, being a Starbucks junkie but I try, god how I try. A mocha does sound good right now though.

Ask Cardinal Bjorklund

Hello my children, I know this blog is a bit late in the publishing but please, forgive me. The last in my series of Q&A is another one from Jeremy G. in St. Louis Park, MN.

Jeremy asks: WHy does God hate us so?

Another good question from Jeremy and a humdinger that needs answering and so I shall, to the best of my abilities, answer this question. Originally I was going to try to define God by various religions, both old and recent, monotheistic and polytheistic but that would take hours and I am out of whiskey(whisky for you foriegn readers) so I will try to make it a bit shorter. Jeremy God does not hate us, he simply doesn't have a lot of time for us, what with all the athletes and musicians out there in the world. I gotta say if you take a good look around at this society, we are a population, absolutely brimming with stars and God is right in on that action. Have you ever been sitting on your couch, just flipping through channels and come across some young, hot, hollywood star getting an award? Don't they always thank God? Think about it, did you really think this was a big coincidence or some kind of joke? No it isn't, many people don't know this but God has been deeply involved in the entertainment industry since the mid ninteen seventies. How else could you explain the success of bands like Boston, Knight Ranger and of course M.C. Hammer, devine intervention, that's how. As a matter of fact pretty much every annoying tune from the 80's that seems to get lodged in your head so horribly is most likely one of Gods groups, yes even,"the right stuff", as god awful as that song is (pun intended), was one of his. Infallibility can make the truly religious susceptible to many strange and horrible songs. Sadly, with the powers of good involved in the industry, so cometh the dark powers. It is an interesting fact, however that the devil and all his horry hosts of hell own the rights to almost all the worlds gospel music and they do, at this point in time, own all and I mean all christian rock bands. God is all powerful indeed but even, he couldn't and I am sure wouldn't release a band like Creed on the world, no, that one is definitely a devil band. Of course the bible says God created man in his image so it makes sense that eventually too, he would get himself involved in sports, this happened in the mid 80's. The first sports celebrity God bought up was Cris Carter of the Minnesota Vikings, if you ever wondered why he was so insistent on praying before, during and after a game. By the early ninties God was quickly becoming a sports mogul, buying into sports contracts left and right, his lawyers reminding him that buying up players on opposing teams may be construed as a conflict of interests ( God also owned Reggie Whites contract, a Green Bay Packer and a minister). By the late 90's God simply moved back to the head office and worked sports via proxy. Now he runs one of the worlds largest, naturaly, entertainment and marketing firms, with A-list clients around the globe. It's God and he can multi-task like nobodies business but you must understand, he has a business to run, your prayers could be back filed as far back as a year but he will get to them when possible, so just cool your jets. Now, if you have a saleable talent, that's another thing, you could have your prayers answered pretty quickly, David Hasselhoff is a star in Germany and he sings like someone is neutering him with a rusty tuna fish can. If he can get on the list so can you. I hope that answers your question.

If your question was Why does God hate us so? and you were refering to why does God hate Minnesota Vikings fans so? That is simple, part of the Vikings infamous Herschell Walker trade contract was that, the Vikings would win the Super Bowl eventually, however, this would be the sign that the final seal of Hades was broken and at the time of their winning, also would come the apocalypse. So have no fear, your team will win a Lombardi trophy, they just won't get to enjoy it for a real long time.

Ask Inspector Bjorklund.

Recently I was sent a e-mail regarding the possibility of an I-94 serial killer from Mrs. Amanda G. of Minneapolis, MN. This was not so much a question but , instead a suggestion, so people may learn more about the possibility of an I-94 serial killer. Interstate 94 runs east to west, from Billings, Montana, to Port Huron, Michigan it is the northern most interstate in the U.S. I-94 touches seven midwest states and crosses several rivers, such as the Red River, Mississippi and St. Croix. I do not wish to get into the particulars of the cases or really name names but here is the gist. Since about the mid nineteen-ninties over twenty college men have died in Minnesota and Wisconsin rivers, the police have all claimed that these were cases of "accidental drownings". If you look up information on these deaths which you can find at sites like www.vanceholmes.com you will find some interesting things about these drownings. Case in point, all of the bad swimmers fit into the same basic brackets in hieght, weight, build. They all drown mysteriously in rivers accesable from I-94. Most, if not all, of the victims were athletic and at least decent swimmers. I will allow you to read up on it if you wish but, to me, reading what I read I do believe that, either Aipaloovik, the Inuit god of death and destruction has worked his way south and has a hankerin' for young boys, or there is a serial killer loose in Minnesota and Wisconsin. "But Inspector Bjorklund, there is no evidence of that", you may say, to wit I may reply,"well that makes this fellow a pretty damn good serial killer doesn't it"? I say, isn't it the serial killers who get away with it, make it look like an accident or something to that effect, that are the dangerous ones? I am relatively sure that our prison system is loaded to the gills with serial killers that, just really botched their first go and couldn't get a streak going before the Feds got 'em. I also have a pretty good idea that rivers do not really care who they drown, as long as they get someone, I have never seen a hieght, weight requirement for drowning posted, unless you count the Flume at one of those big fair type deals with the sign that says"you must be at least this high, to inhale the murky, foul, piss water at the bottom of this ride". The facts are all staring people right in the face but they are there. People are a strange animal, you must understand, they tend to turn a blind eye when things go bad, it helps them deal with things that scare them. Not me brother, if there is a killer on the loose I want to know, I want pictures, I want recently updated statistics, I wanna see 'em comin' so mabye I can see 'em first. I grew up in the mid-west and I have seen the effects of the blind eye propoganda, the mid-west is a boring, repressed, self righteous area of our country that is just smashed full of churches and bars, alchoholism and family disfuntion simply ooze from those small podunk towns. Places like that are breading grounds for serial killers, yet they tend to avoid those particular problems until they swim up and bite them on the ass!( I love the movie Jaws). I am not mentioning the south at all because, having not grown up there, I can not say how bad it is to grow up there, I just know if I am camping down south, the first thing to enter my campsite with a banjo is dead. I have not found a case involving an I-94 drowning in the last three years, so let's hope that either the drunken winter swimming fad is over and done, or that the freaknick that was drowning people went and did himself in. I have lived my life on such wicked slasher, horror movies as Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm st., and though I hope it is over I am also expecting the drown zombie killer of I-94 to make his or her return. My last view on this case is that the killer is a woman, probably in there laate twenties or early thirties with a nice ass and ta-tas who gets sick pervy glee from watching young men drown. why? because there is never a sign of struggle in these cases, young men will do many stupid things for a woman with knockout guns, especially if the have been imbibing, up to and including getting into or onto a frozen river.

Ask Commissioner Bjorklund

Today we have an anonymous legal question, so let's go right to it.

From Anon: Dear Mr. Bjorklund, what is your stance on capitol punishment?

A good question indeed, and I am relatively certain that the person who wrote this question is not a personal friend of mine, nor have they ever met me. If they had, they would already know my views on such an issue, I am for it. Not pro death penalty in simple murder cases alone mind you, I am for it in a wide and multifaceted spectrum. I, of course, think it is rediculous to keep serial killers alive and kicking, Gacy, Dahmer and their ilk. Really a cut and dry deal, isn't it? I mean, when you were a kid and your mom caught you pilfering cookies with your arm elbow deep in the jar, you were punished, immediately and with out any real trial. Your hand was full of cookies, you took said cookies, guilty, end of story, a quick smack in the face and off to your room. So, when a killer is found with his hand stuck in the body jar, that should be that, caught red handed... dead! John Gacy had over twenty bodies in his basement and back yard and he lived for years on death row, he even got paints and was allowed visitors. My stance on that is, " some one should have had the decency to shoot him in the face". Mabye that is the farmboy in me saying that but, really, how do you justify keeping people like that alive for years on death row, even Gacys lawyers tried to say the deaths were all accidental, over twenty people dead from random auto-erotic asphyxiation mishaps? Hmmmmm, I gotta say that is a bit iffy, I could see one or two, hell who doesn't have the skeleton of a former lover that you accidentally strangled to death during foreplay in their closet? More than five is just ludicrous, however, shame on the lawyers for that garbage. I do understand that we are not in a world with a perfect judiciary system, so if the case is a bit weak I can understand appeals and am willing to work around them. Now various death penalties that should also be carried out are as follows; anyone who takes more than one minute to decide what they want at IN-N-OUT Burger, dead! The producer of anything Paris Hilton related, also anyone who emulates said Hilton, dead! The people who keep adding rules to football to keep the players from being hurt, dead! The guy who revs his expensive italian sports car at the stop light so people will look at him, dead and piddled on! I could continue on with this but to summerize, I think that most people on the planet would improve with a little bit of killing, even myself, at times am probably annoying enough to just slaughter. In answer to your question Anon., yes I am pro death penalty but I am more fond of the newer ideas about extremely late trimester abortions, say thirtieth and higher, by the time someone is in their late teens you should have an inkling as to whether or not that child was a good idea or just a drunken backseat accident in which case you just lure them into a room with a giant vacuum and, tah dah no more teen.

Ask Profesor Bjorklund

Welcome to day two of my question and answer series, remember it's not too late to get your questions in so throw me a line and I'll answer your dillema. Todays question is one of significant historical importance, because it takes us back to the more carefree days in a younger, less dangerous country. It comes from a Mr. Marty R. in Hibbing, MN.

Marty writes: What is the best way to approach a complete stranger at a bus stop and lick their eyebrows?

This is an extraordinary question as, in recent decades, greeting strangers by the act of moistening the eyebrows has fallen out of common practice. The history of "Browing" as used to be known, is believed to have originated in ancient Egypt, most likely in the time of the Late Kingdom, circa 342 BC. Then it was common for people to lick each others brows in order to keep them moist so they would not become chapped in the hot desert sun. Browing fell out of practice after the invention of the hat in 132 BC., but then, in late 19th century, London, Egyptology was suddenly all the rage and it became a fad for the arostocracy to dab honey on their eyebrows at social events, allowing others, to lick the sweets from their foreheads, thus mimicking, what they believed, was an ancient tradition. It was not long before the same fad caught on in the streets of london and the common people began using browing in local taverns and shops, usually to make a mockery out of the rich folk. As it goes with any fad, even if it is a joke, sooner or later everyone is doing it and browing was no exception. Soon every man, woman and street urchin was using Browing instead of the handshake, even in Germany, no one was using the "Dusseldorf mustard shpats" any more, Browing, being less complicated and far more hygenic. It wasn't long before browing made it's way to the Americas, where the first reported use of the greeting, was said to be employed by one Mr. Karl Stienenburger a bagle maker in New York City. The story goes, Karl was elbow deep in some particularly sticky bagle dough, when his young wife Ursula came into the shop, not wanting to ruin her dress, Karl simply licked her eyebrows gently, to which Ursula could only reply,"well, that was very european of you darling". Thus Browing came into use in New York and quickly across the country. Browing was widely accepted as the common form of greeting in the more civilized parts of the country but was responsible for countless deaths due to cultural differences in the more untamed west. Many historians believe that this is why Browing fell out of popular culture all together, with so many stories going back east of entire families being slaughtered because someone licked someone else the wrong way. So to answer your question Marty, there is really no acceptable way to Brow a complete stranger, being that it is no longer acceptable in modern culture. Do not fret however, because as we can see by todays fashion trends, history repeats itself and no matter how ridiculous a trend may have been it will, eventually, make a come back.

Bjorklund/Rice in 2008!

This is not todays blog, that will come after the drinking stops making my eye demons burn me. This is a bid for the presidency, that's right, all it took was a comment from Jeremy in St. Louis Park again and he has set the whole thing in motion. The presidency, why not? I know some of my readers know me and many of them what knows me, know my long time friend Marty Rice. Marty and I go way back, about twenty years back actually. I still remember the day we met, which is funny because after that everything became a blur for a few years. Drugs, drinking, petty larceny, grand theft cantalope, there really was no crime too big or to small for us while we matured into manhood. I remember the old high school days, at least the ones I wasn't bombed off my ass on Jim Beam for, oh the fun we had, I think. There was no problem too difficult for Marty and I, if we wanted something, we took it, if we couldn't take it, we beat up someone who had it and took theirs. Ah, the innocents of youth, the boundless joy one gets as you remember, growing up. So much in common, we made fast friends, both of us were farm boys, both of us were twisted, mentally and physically, beyond the reach of any psychologist by many older siblings. There was of course, the voice of reason in our lives, we called him Mike. Mike would was always responsible and upright, very fair and just, also very studious, often he would say to us, "why don't you guys just knuckle down, go to class and do your work"? to which we would respond, "all that beer isn't going to drink itself and what about those buildings that haven't been burnt yet? No, no, no, we have matters to attend to that do not involve algebra". I am being nostalgic and getting away from my point, which is this... America you need us, Marty and I would be great presidents and vice-presidents, not only because we wouldn't be too sure who was pres and who was vice, which would eliminate all kinds of rediculous barriers and power struggles but because we are two, thirty something thugs from a small mining town in northern Minnesota, who enjoy nothing more than a full pint of lager, some bagpipes and a good kick in the face. That is what America needs right now, government who stands on the issues and sometimes, smacks the issues around if they get testy. I mean really, Reagan was senile, old Bush was semi-retarded, Clinton put a cigar up a womans trunk in the oval office, young Bush is about as smart as a lobotimized monkey with a cocain addiction, which is ironic if you think about it, the way I see it, America, you need us. Two wide eyed, half crazed, possibly psychotic, madmen, with no qualms about fighting tooth and nail for our rights, really we would beat up congress for you people, and in war time we would be the first ones to get the other guys drunk so they wouldn't show up the next day. You see, sensible solutions for a better tomorrow, Bjorklund/Rice in 2008. We are almost as manly as Hillary.

Ask Docter Bjorklund.

Hello loyal readers. Last week I asked some of you to send me questions or problems that you would like advice on, well the letters just poured in. I got three in fact, which was at least two and a half more than I had expected. Begining today I will answer them in the order they were recieved starting with a very important mathematical problem from Minnesota.


Jeremy from St. Louis Park, Minnesota writes: Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and the buns in packages of twelve?

A good question indeed, I had to do some serious investigating on the situation, IE, going to the market and perusing aisle, both bread and meat related. As I walked, store after store, note book in hand, something dawned on me. First off, I really like bacon and second Jeremys question was simply the tip of a mathmatical iceberg, lurking, unheeded, until you , the S.S. Consumer should tear your hull on it's waiting point and be eaten by, I don't know, let's say yetis. What I found in those many aisles was this, as was said some hot dogs come in packets of ten and buns in packs of twelve, however, in many cases you will get franks, which are technically hot dogs, in packets of eight. Sausages can be in the five to six per packet range and I will omit cocktail weiners, and breakfast sausages for the sake of arguement, being that people rarely eat them with buns. I was happy to find a package of ten hot dogs at one local store but, in searhing for breadables I could only find packs of eight, which would have forced me to purchase four packs of dogs and five packs of buns. At a different market I easily found packets of eight hot dogs but only found buns in packs of ten or twelve, which would once again force me to buy forty of each. The sausage equation was not much better at either store, if but for the fact that I would have had to only buy half as many of both meat and bread but would have spent more, sausages being quite pricey and all. This was the same sad story at every food mart I visited, from the super markets, right down to the little ma and pop shops, I could see a conspiracy forming but I needed more proof so, as a last ditch effort, I was off to one of those huge, mega, stock up stores to see what would happen if I bought in bulk. I decided to be fair and visit the two major stores of the mass quantity type. The first store was about what I had expected, you could easily pick out a package of twenty hotdogs and up to ten sausages, nice round numbers are always helpful. The buns were another story, twelve or twenty-four, that was insanity, to even my bun to dog ratio I would need to buy sixty of each, that was almost the finl piece of the puzzle but I needed one more, the piece that is only one color and you can't tell if it is sky or water, mabye it's a part of a shirt but whatever it is it's blue and doesn't seem to fit anywhere so it's got to be the last piece, that was the piece I was searching for. My final stop, only a short walk from the last, was an absolutely sprawling center for the shopping arts, absolutely magnificent, I was sure to find my answer here. The bread aisle was immediately accesible, so that is where I went. To my delight I found buns in deli packages of five and regular bulk packages of ten and twenty, I thought to my self,"this is it, here you will find redemption for the hot dog world". I approached the edible flesh area of the store in high spirits, peered in to espy the various victual and almost dropped to my knees in shock at what I found. They had hot dogs alright, in packets of eighteen! That was it it was all in place and now I can tell you, in answer to your question Jeremy. You can only find hot dogs and buns in nonmatching numbers because all the stores in America are deeply wrapped in a government plot to give you gout, that's right, gout. Gout: an acute recurrent disease , characterized by painful inflamation of the joints. It is so obvious now, gout, a disease which tends to strike in people who hold to a diet of the more fatty and processed food types, it swells your joints and makes it difficult to walk, or even move. It makes it especially hard to fight off the government when they come to take your rights away. How can you ward off the man, if you can't even get out of your couch? I hope this answered your question Jeremy and to you and all my readers, remember," hot dogs eaten in moderation, make a healthy world and a safer nation".

Unt sausage is goot, baloney of course,
Dey makes 'em mit dog,
Und dey makes 'em mit horse,
I geuss dey makes 'em mit he.

From Der Deitchers Dog (where o' where has my little dog gone)
written by: Septimus Winner, 1864

Entertainment news,Yay.

If you read my articles each day you know one thing about me, I love the media, in particular the paparazi. Where would I be without you oh papa paparazi? I would be so horribly uninformed. Why, I wouldn't know that Lindsey Lohan is going to rehab, for shame Lindsey! Who ever heard of a young Hollywood starlett partying too hard, shocking, but I think the others will take a cue from Lindsey and that's the last time we'll have that problem. Then I learn about Miss USA and even though it was old news I was like, "What, again"? I hadn't heard about this story, kinda shocked that it wasn't all over the news but I geuss Donald Trump wanted to keep it quiet. If you missed it, which you probably did, Tara Conner, Miss USA was seen partying, drinking and doing drugs, in New York of all places, I know I was shocked too. It's almost as if these young girls are just going wild, all the partying and crazy behavior. One almost fears that this could be an epidemic in the making. Sure throughout history some young girls have strayed to the naughty side of the social tracks but that is so rare in our country these days, it's just a little scary when two such prominent girls get caught up in it so close together. If we don't do something soon people, I fear we could be headed for a real moral dilema, if we don't gaurd our daughters closely, who knows what we may see? Next thing you know there will be videos for sale with post-teens removing their shirts and letting bare breasts fly about while they hop and bounce, horrible. Could America be heading toward this kind of depravity? A world where hot, young coeds on a tropical island, battle each other for my viewing pleasure? Let's hope not, someone better nip this in the bud, lucky for our world, we have Rosie O'Donnel, a true moral crusader for all that is good and pure. Rosie had the guts to stand up to Trump and say he shouldn't coddle Miss USA, good for you Rosie. Reports claim that Miss USA even made out with Miss Teen-USA in their hotel room. I am glad Rosie did say something, I have a pretty good feeling that miss O'Donnell wouldn't be interested in two buxom, blonde, barely legal ladies making out in her hotel room, just about as much as the same thing wouldn't intrest me. I will say this it is good to have such a crusader on the side of all things right and socially acceptable. To Mr. Trump, shame on you! You called Rosie "a loser", and said she should "shut her yap", Donald, really. If Rosie is a loser and she is on the view, what does that make you? Where is your hit television show Donald? You act as if you have some giant skyscraper with your name on it, that's right Donny boy, I think we know who the loser is. Rosie doesn't even have to dress up to feel good about herself, not like you in your two thousand dollar suits, what are you over compensating for anyway? Rosie is just fine going on TV in a ratty flannel shirt and a pair of boots, you know what kind of woman is comfortable like that? A confident women, that's who. The kind of woman who wants to see America back like it was in the good old days, when women were women and men were men. So I thank the American media, again, for warning me about this new threat to our youth and our culture, we better stop it before it gets worse. Who really wants to live in a world where you can be at a bar and right next to you a group of sweaty, tight bodied college girls, morals loosened by the demon alchohol, caress each others round shoulders, breasts and thighs, ruby lips mashing together as they mash our sense of decency, well not me for one and definately Rosie O'Donnel!


I have gotten e-mail responses fron one idiot who can not tell that I am a strange person and takes life and myself all too seriously, to that person. 'You are an idiot, shut up! If you can not tell when people are joking, please feel free to die horribly"!

Rules and etiquette on dating.

Yes, today dear readers I impart upon you , all my knowledge about dating that I have gained in my short five hundred and seventy six year life span. First and foremost, always compose yourself as a gentleman or a lady, this can be done in very simple ways, make sure you are groomed properly for your date. In most social scenes freshly shaved beard, legs, back and forehead are most important, however, if you are dating a lycanthrope, the shaginess may be a boon. A cape is always a good choice for mens apparel, black pants and white shirt, finish it off with a bowtie. Ladies tend to look classy dressed in many ways, I myself prefer late 15th century Gypsy prostitute but wouldn't mind a little of the brittish aristocrat thrown in.Gentlemen, when preparing your home for tthe possiblity of a night cap with that certain someone, I suggest leaving around some magazines in various areas of your entertaining area. I ussually suggest a couple of copies of Maxim or FHM on your coffee table with a Sports Illustrated ontop of them and you should have a copy of Good House Keeping and Martha Stewarts Living hidden, not too inconspicuously, near the other magazines somewhere. You may think this is wierd but it is the first major test. The woman is a curious beast by nature and will take a chance to peruse your magazines the moment you leave the room. Excuse your self to the restroom but really just watch around the corner, if she goes for the Sports magazine, you have a woman who is going to make a great friend and companion but will also balloon to an outrageous 345 lbs. within the first year of a serious relationship. If the it is the mens mags she goes for there are two things to watch for, if she looks at them in disgust and snorts, she is a drama queen and will be constantly looking down her nose at you because you are a degenerate pervo, however if she looks through them and reads them for a bit and looks at the pictures, you either have a woman who is comfortable with herself and other womens bodies, or a woman who is too comfortable with other womens bodies, at that point you have to find a way to determine whether you are just wasting your time with her because she is lying to herself about her sexuality, a good test is to tell her that the Indigo Girls are coming to town because only lesbians like the Indigo Girls! If she finds the home magazine, she will think you are a sensitive man, or gay but if you have a good cover story it will make a great conversation piece for another day. If the Martha mag is the one she chooses and she seams content and happily flips the pages, she is a psychopath and is going to kill you in your sleep because the demons living in the kitchen cabinet told her to, get this woman out of your house. Upon your return, excuse your self for taking so long and tell her you just took a massive, stanky dump, tis test will tell you if she is a fecophiliac, or poo sniffer, always an important thing to know before a relationship can commence. Ladies, on a first date please, make sure you flirt and make eye contact with at least two other men at the bar or restaurant, this will help you gauge whether or not this man can protect his mate and offspring, or if he will just cower away, tail between his legs. Men at the point when you feel intimidated it is important to A: make yourself look big and B: make yourself sound fierce. These two key date survival tactics can be achieved thusly, stand on your chair or nearby table, puff up your cheeks and chest and raise your arms above your head, it would help even more to drape a table cloth or apron between your arms, secondly began hopping up and down rapidly and roar or scream at the intruder. If done well this will be a most effective ploy to save your date from other suiters. Another option, of course, would be to rend their throats with a savage blow and feast upon the essence of them but in dating circles this can be, as the kids say, a downer. If all goes well, you should suggest a night, if she is resistent you may wish to use your hexing gaze to help persuade her, I would not ever suggest GHB or any such drugs as they can thin the blood. If you are successful in getting her to your apartment, you may commence the tests afore mentioned in my article, that way you can decide if she is worthy of being one of your immortal minions, or simply a late night snack for you and the children of the night. Oh yes and ladies one last thing, please wash your neck. I hope this article was informative and helpful, thank you for reading.
sincerely: Vlad III Dracula, Prince of Wallachia.

Dear television, stop being so horrible.

I have had it, don't really know why I continue to watch it but this time I am fed up. What am I refering to? Lemme tell ya. Law and Order SVU, Wednesdays episode was being touted as,"one you don't want to miss". You know what, you did want to miss it, why? Well in the recent form fitting way of all the crime solving series on television lately, they applied a gimmick I call, "wait till all the suspects have been introduced and then, when the show is almost over, bring out the guy who did it". Why do all these shows keep doing this? It is not clever writing in any way, shape or form. You can't bring three possible suspects out in the first half hour of the show, then fifteen minutes before the show ends, bring on the guy who really done it. That is not shocking, that does not blow you away and it certainly does not leave ones head spinning, though you may suffer a mild headache, that is just your brain trying to eat itself. I was raised on crime dramas, Columbo, Sherlocke holmes, Charlie Chan, even Mr. Moto, all classics and very well written. Yes they had their flaws as well but all in all, excellent. I remember sitting next to my dad one day, about six years old, we were watching Basil Rathbone playing Holmes and it just amazed me that he could find clues after someone had tried so hard to hide the crime. Holmes would, at the end of the show, explain how the crime was solved and how he found the clues. It amazed me that I had missed all those clues but I was a child and when I go back now and watch those movies, I realize that the clues were right there in front of me all along. It is just common belief that now, in a world so advanced, we would be able to write so much more intense and realistic crime dramas. No, we are stuck in a rut of plot devices and non-existent technology that our writers use every week to try to make us say,"oh, I didn't see that coming"! Yes I realize old crime dramas had plot devices too, like someone flicking off the lights and in the dark your number one suspect is killed, or a gun gripped by a dissembodied hand slowly gliding from behind a curtain at a crowded restaurant, killing the stoolie who was about to break the case. Those devices added to the suspence and made you go,"awww, he almost said it, or damn, I really thought it was him". Todays plot devices are just the writers saying, we are tired and bored and we never, ever expected this show to run for so long. I am sick of all the CSI shows discovering evidence with science that does not exist. You will see shows where they make a composite of an entire person with two skin flakes and an eyelash,"get me the universal reskinimation dopelgangimaginationer, it will make a perfect three dimensional hologram of our killer". These shows have become tired and boring, no wonder so many people watch reality shows, equaly horrid but at least somewhat believable. All the poorly writen films and television dramas are just more examples of what a lazy, dimwitted and down right retarded society we live in. If you are asking why I watch these shows if I loathe them so much, I would have to say, I don't have cable at the moment and can't watch cartoons all day long. Detective work is rough, hours of graiting paper work, sifting evidence and studying clues while your eyes float around your head on a lake of watered down coffee, yet the dics on TV look so good. Not a hair out of place, with the exception of the once a year cliff hanger episode, the one where a cast member gets shot or kidnapped, oh no, didn't see that coming. You only need three things to commit a crime in this country and get away with it. 1) bleach 2) a good idea of where the cameras are in the crime area or a mask and 3) a slightly tight fitting pair of gloves. Bleach, to clean DNA evidence away, camera positioning or mask to hide your identity or the crime and tight gloves because on jury in America would ever convict someone in slightly tight Isotoners. You could fill an entire season just trying to catch the arch-villian I just typed out for you. Last thought for now, when you have a celebrity geust on your show and he is not a cop but rather, pllaying a janitor or a truck driver, we know he is the criminal, you keep doing it and if anyone is fooled they need to be killed, I got the gloves, you bring the bleach.

I am sorry for the O.J. Simpson glove referance but I thought it fitting, albeit old.

How the hell did Ice-T get a job playing a cop on Law and Order, SVU? That is just too ironic or one hell of a joke.

I have a new goal.

I have decided to take a crack at being an advice columnist. Please send me a question you need answered or ask for my advice on something. If I decide yto print your question, I will, if not, too bad. Send questions to joebjorklund@yahoo.com. let's see what you got.

Don't look down your nose at me burger pimp!

I am not a fan of fast food. It tends to be toward the kind of rough, chewy, hard to swallow greasiness, that a food product can only achieve through hours upon hours beneath a heating lamp. The bowel irregularity alone justifies my dislike for fast food. Of course there are the children, running about the place, crying, touching things with their filth encrusted child hands, ensuring that if you want ketchup from the dispenser, you better want it bad enough to contract bubonic plague, horrible snotty nosed death merchants. Then you have the decor, how much testing did these fast food companies need to go through to find that shade of yellow they use on their walls? You know the one, if you stare at it for over three seconds it makes you feel like your retinas are trying to burn their way out of your skull with a blow torch and four gallons of pure french syphilis . The booths are made for someone just under the national average for height and weight, which is a bit sadistic, considering the average size of the fast food cliental would make William (Refridgerator) Perry look waifish. All these things aside, somedays I do get an urge to abuse my body with some sort of high fructose, saturated fat laden pig swill, mabye deep fried in some sort of hydrogenated oil, ensuring that long after my body is dust, a part of my cheeseburger will still exist. You see what I am getting at? These places are bad enough to visit and last time I went to a fasty, (I claim this phrase, Fasty: American slang; A fast food restaurant) I got attitude from the counter person. Not that that was an isolated event, not at all, five of the eight visits I took last year started with someone in a paper hat looking down their greasy nose at me. Did they sense that I wasn't one of them? Should I go in wearing a fat suit and some sort of flannel camoflage next time? I am not one for social orders ladies and gents, really, I would like a world where we are all equals, no social hierarchy of any kind. That is, unless you work at a fast food joint, then you are my servant, I am you God and you may not look down upon me lest I smite you and burn you to the soles of your lardaceous shoes. What could you possibly do to me anyway? Spit in my food? Oh no, please don't improve the taste of my McCrap sandwich! Even rubbing the food on the floor might improve it's flavor and health value, who knows, may even scrape up some penicilin to stave off the coming stomach infection. Of course this is all absurdity, I don't believe any one of us is better than any other. All of us are equals, each one of us a perfect snowflake, beautiful but different in our own ways and if you believe what I am saying, I have a red hot steel spike I'd like to sell you that would make a lovely chair. I do not care who designed your outfits, they still look like something that was just, slightly too gawdy for the mormon tabernacle choir to wear in their christmas pageant. No one on the planet is interested in who you are going to be one day or what you are going to do. If one day you save the planet from total destruction using technology you designed while on breaks at your high school burger flipping job, no one cares. Right now you are a counter worker at a fast food restaurant, I had a craving for something horrible, mabye because that chicken nugget I had last year finally worked its way out of my system and I was having DTs. Whatever the reason, I am at your counter, I want an unhealthy thing, I am ashamed of the fact that it takes me more than one minute to decide what I want, because it all tastes the same anyway. Just smile politely, ask what I would like, be patient, allow me to order and above all don't be aloof to me. That could make me angry and lately I am pretty sure I have gained the ability to melt people with my mind.

Reminiscing about Hurricane Katrina.

You know I was just sitting here, thinking about that crazy little time in our history called the post hurricane Katrina days. You still hear about it on the news, more than a year later. New Orleans is coming back from the dead, as it were, almost 80% of the city under water, thousands dead, mermaids killing the homeless but the city prevails, adapts and survives. What a horrible tragedy to happen on our shores but, at least we, the American public, have our beloved media to bring us such news. I would like to thank you american media corporations, from the bottom of my heart for getting down to New Orleans and showing me the destruction, letting me see the horror first hand, so I could then see the glory of the rebuilding process. Good, good people to a man, those stalwart gaurdians of our group conscience. They gave us, the american public, an acurate and indepth view of something we could have missed altogether. What a terrible time for our country. Still, I can't help but smile sometimes, like now when I think about it. The hurricane was tragic but it really could have been so much worse, really. Consider the fact that a catagory five hurricane, the most powerful level recorded by man. A hurricane with winds 150 miles per hour or greater and storm surges eighteen feet above the normal wave level and New Orleans being the only city in it's path to really get wolluped, that's amazing. A storm of such a magnitude could have easily destroyed more than just one city. You would expect that some of those other local shoreline cities would have been hit at least a little bit. What an amazing story though, think of the destruction if Katrina had hit Biloxi, gulfport or even Ocean springs. What kind of post appocolyptic world would the southern shores of our country be in today if the storm would have hit Baton Rouge or Shreveport? Not to even think about all the tiny coastal fishing towns and resort areas. I personally would have thought a storm like that could travel as far north as Jackson, Mississippi but what do I know I'm no meteorologist. I am just glad that the media was there to let me know about it, I have a few friends down south, they didn't live in New Orleans though, so you can imagine my relief when I found out that the Katrina had completely missed them. Wow, I am no religious man but someone had an eye out for those other towns, thanks to them and a special thanks to the american mass media, thank you for bringing me the whole story, I would hate to have to dig around on the internet for hours or go to another countries media to find the news.

Side note: I am sick of people in the media acting like New Orleans was the only city hit by Katrina. New Orleans was just the only city with a pro football team, so now people can say that damned retarded "team of destiny"' shlock. Knock it off!

Second side note: I just found out that the chief hurricane forcaster for Accu Weather is named Joe Bastardi, what a great name.

Celebrity suicides, can you ever really have enough?

You may think this heartless of me but I am always down with a good Hollywood suicide. It's not that I hate the actors, singers, or any of the talent that makes Hollywood such a wonderous place or, for that matter, really want celebrities to die. It just happens that, well darn it, celebrity suicides are just so much more romantic than regular everyday suicides. Who could care about sad, fat johnny down the block, strangled by an electric cord from a cheap second hand lamp, his suicide note scrawled on a page of recycled paper, a dead hand stiffening around a black marked from the local dollar store. Where is the drama, where is the romance? Johnny just didn't have what it took to be a star! The Oxford English Dictionary, describes a star as "a famous and excellent singer, performer, sports player,etc and that is why, when a famous person pops it, they do it in style. Only the finest narcotics course through thier veins, vomit glistening in the moonlight, cascades of the worlds grandest vodka fill air sacks in pristine, picture perfect lungs. Oh, now I am not saying not to do it, if you really need to die that badly, by all means be my geust, just don't think that it is going to get you anywhere that's all. If anything, try to make it look like a murder, if you do it well you may even get your death on the six o'clock news, that wouldn't make you a celebrity but you would get more fame from it than those unimaginative layabouts in the obituary section of the local paper. How could a poor, filthy nobody even began to compete with an eighteen year old celebutante who drives her brand new Maserati off a cliff because daddy didn't realize she wanted the Lexus? Suicide in a Maserati, damn, now that's class! She hit the rails at 175 miles per hour! Your Geos top speed is seventy-five and that's on a hill with the wind at your back. They hang themselves in four star hotels, swinging from italian leather belts tied to diamond chandeliers, It takes a lot of work to become a celebrity, and a lot of work to commit suicide like one. It's not as if just anyone can do it. I suppose in a better world, anyone could be a celebrity, mabye have some sort of mass media that anyone could get in thier homes, put out little videos or music and one day become famous. Think of it, we could have a world crawling with celebrities, fifteen minutes of fame for everyone everywhere. Think of the wonder, think of the joy but most of all think of the suicides. What a world that would be, what a grand damned world. If only it weren't a dream.

I will not follow you Francois-Louis Cailler.

Sorry everyone, just having one of those days, brain not working in all it's normal glory. I think it started at six A.M., I had been haveing the hardest time sleeping, just couldn't get over it, had a couple beers to wind myself down but no matter what I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep. Tossing and turning, flipping and flopping, sleep would just not happen for this tired old loon. Food didn't do the trick, a nice big glass of milk? Not even a yawn. That is when it hit me, the thing that had been bothering me all night, the gnawing thing behind my eyes that would not let me rest was this. Why is there four different languages that you can take a drivers test in, in the state of California? It's true! You can take your test in english, spanish, an asian language that I have not pinned down yet and a language that, I can only assume, is ferengi. Why does this disturb me so, why would I lose sleep over such a matter? I will tell you, you won't like it and you may call me a racist but here it is. I fear that America has lost it's way, that in the face of a world economy, that our government has decided to bend over backwards and take the easy way out. Allowing any large amount of people who move or visit the country to assimilate there own culture and language into our society. I think you know where I am going with this everyone, so I will just say it and face the music. I believe our country is on it's way to becoming... Switzerland! That's right, Switzerland! Those latte swilling, chocolate chomping, mountain hopping, yodel monkey, god how I hate them. Prancing around all day and night spouting off about thier three official languages and thier skiing proficiencies, hey Switzerland, France is on the phone, they want thier snobbiness back! Is this what you want for your progeny America? Picture, if you will our nation, twenty years in the future, cities bursting with ridiculously red cheeked chidren, faces smeared with Toblerone and lost innocents, while thier fathers lay forgotten in the gutters nursing away a two day Ricola bender. How the mothers shall weep for thier husbands and offspring, as minty tears stain the sleaves of thier enourmously puffy blouses, and one more thing Switzerland, what's with all the neutrality? Who do you think you are, Sweden? Well, I for one can not accept it, I am mad as hell and I'm just not gonna take it anymore! America should be a land of one language, as it always has, and it's people should not even speak that language correctly, this is the American way. Let us huddle together true Americans, go to your local DMV and chuck out all the non-english literature you find, if you have any doubts, say it looks english but you can't pronounce it, chuck that in the muck as well, no point taking chances. Then send a letter to your congressman, wait that would be counterproductive to my idea, throw a rock at your congressman with a picture of your ass in a kind of full moon. I think he'll get the picture and we will all stand together and shout as a country, " Screw you Swissy, we are America, monolingustic, barely monosylabic, and damn proud of it"!


As a side note: How can we have drivers tests in three or four different languages in many states, when all the road signs are in english? I get the distinct feeling that some how, some way the heavily taxed lower middle class is getting screwed by this, just a hunch. good day.

If you are wondering about my title, google the name and it will make sense, or as much sense as anything I write.

America. The worlds stupid, angry, fat kid.

I have had a spot of trouble today coming up with a topic, that is until it dawned on me that it has been a while since I really took the piss out of my country. You see, I enjoy digging around on the internet and finding little tidbits of this and snipits of that, you never know when you will be attacked and threatened by a homocidal maniac, with a weakness for Trivial Pursuit and will need to by your life with six tiny pie pieces. In my perusal of the chicken carcass that is the multimedia world, I sometimes come across the tasty giblets of triviality that make my life so liveable. Here are some recent for instances that I think you may enjoy. The average yearly salary of Starbucks hourly employees, From the last Fortune top 100 companies list, was $35,680.00, which if far more that any of the big four american retailers ( one of which rhymes with, gnome repot), which average out less than $17,000.00 per year. There are no jaywalking laws in the United Kingdom, the authorities holding people and drivers to a code of personal responsability, in at least five U.S. states jaywalking is a jailable offense, handcuffs and all. I thought this was very interesting, in 2006 America had a two percent dip in housing costs, at the exact time banks mysteriously raised thier mortgage rates by an average of 4.2% making it more expensive to buy a cheaper house. In 2006 the average price of a median level home was $245,000.00 meaning you would need to make a yearly wage of $85,000.00 to afford the mortgage. No hourly workers on the Fortune top 100 companies made over $85,000.00 last year, ( that is an average, however but as acurate as I could find) the top company coming in at just under $84,500.00 yearly. Since January 1st 2007, the city of New Orleans has had seven murders, the police have been slow to act citing gang on gang crime as the problem, even though most of the victims have been residents with no gang affiliations. In the last major U.S. census of fatties, 62% of adults and 34% of children were reported to be obese, nation wide we are becoming a wide nation. So far the war in Iraq has cost the american taxpayers three hundred fifty billion dollars just think of all the Starbucks employees we could have gotten for that amount of cash. There is actually a city named Grundy, it's in Virginia and if you put the town next to the state, it kinda sounds like a doctors explanation of an old prostitutes crotch. Sixty percent of the worlds lawyers operate in America, and over 30,000 more graduate yearly. Dick the butchers little speech in Henry VI "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers"! Is not such a farcical idea as it once was. I searched for some valid education statistics but I couldn't really find much, SAT scores are falling...etc but all you really have to do is look around in any public place and you can see for yourselves that our country is full of stupid, ignorant, poorly educated mock humans, simply ambling through thier daily lives. I am no super genius but I can see where we are all headed, a nation of homeless, obese, violent, dimwitted, retail employees just waiting for the chance to roll over and expose our soft bellies to our upper middle management overlords, so angry, so filled with rage but also filled with so many cheap, fatty donuts.

and now. a poop joke. Q: Why did the feces cross the road?

A: because the monkey threw it at the chicken.

I am just not into this New Monkey Headed God.

Wow, I know I am in for a lot of flak for this one but I just can't hold it in any longer. There is just something about this, latest, Monkey Headed God that I just don't like. Now hear me out I don't want to be labled a heretic or anything, the last thing I want is to be tied up in the town square and let passers by pelt me with feces, I just have a bad feeling about this particular Monkey Headed God. All you need to do is look at our society gap to see that something is amiss. I work two jobs, about seventy hours a week, full time doing vine maintenence and repair for the county, part time at a nieghborhood juice bar. I work my red ass off and at the end of the month I barely have one shiny rock to spend on food or entertainment and I am single. Then you have my boss, he never does an ounce of work, just trundles around the office all day barking orders like some kind of silverback, telling everyone that if they don't work harder they will lose thier jobs. Two weeks ago I put the vine repair statement on his desk and he still hasn't filled it out, when I brought it up to him I got yelled at for not reminding him sooner. Yet my boss goes home to his luxury tree in the suburbs every week, his pockets overflowing with shiny rocks and pretty feathers. It is creatures like him, who flourish under new monkey headed god. The rich get heavier with bananas, while the poor continue downward into further banana poverty. I see a lot of problems with this new Monkey Headed God, for instance, what is with the five eyes? All of the Monkey Headed Gods up until now have had two, or three eyes,but never five, it seems to me that new Monkey Headed God is just trying to seperate himself from us regular mortals. Were we not, supposedly, fashioned in Monkey Headed Gods image? Some of you will write replies to me saying I should not be so harsh toward new Monkey Headed God, that since the war with the worshippers of Lion Headed God started we, as Monkey Headed God worshippers, just have to support our primates on the other side of the big blue splashy thing and just believe in Monkey Headed Gods will to save the worshippers of Lion Headed God from themselves. I do support our primates, in fact I have two close friends, serving across the big blue splashy, in the 10th Armored Atelidae division. I just don't believe Monkey Headed God is in this war for the reasons he claims and it is just a smoke screen for something bigger. I think we are just over there for the banana supply and everything else is just a smoke screen, come on everyone knows that new Monkey Headed God has been in bed with big banana corporations for years, just like his father old Monkey Headed God before him. Our country could be banana sef sufficient anyway if we would just work a little at it. Hey but why work for what you can take? Mark my words, the world will just get worse under new Monkey Headed God, the wealthy will flourish, the poor will suffer. At the end of his reign, I am sure that new Monkey Headed God will be considered, by some to be one of the great apes but to most will only be remembered as an annoying pygmy marmoset.

Stop editing my cartoons!

Why, why, why do you idiots do it? Why is it that if I sit down to watch a Looney Tunes cartoon, that just happens to be on the air before midnight, that the violence is all taken out? What the hell, a few months ago I was watching the Rabbit of Seville episode of Bugs Bunny and the completely cut out the part where Elmer and Bugs run back and forth with knives and axes and guns, they took it out! A classic piece of americana absolutley raped by some uptight editor.Don't even mention a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, they are all over the cutting room floor. Parents I ask you, How many children did we lose in anvil related deaths that we had to edit them out completely? What was our average death toll of people who ate out of the bowl in the road that was sitting on the big white X? How many lost souls fell to thier deaths because the rocket shoes they wore blasted them off a cliff or thier Acme bat suits wings dissintegrated? I have the numbers right here, ahha, just as i thought, none, zero, zilch, nada, bupkis. Years ago, Beavis and Butthead were held responsible for a fire caused by a young boy, forcing Mike Judge to make Beavis stop saying, FIRE! Here are some points to ponder, the fire happened in a trailer park in Moraine, Ohio and was started by a five year old boy who was left alone with his two year old sister, sadly the two year old died from burns. The fire was started when the boy discovered his mothers lighter, mom had left the children alone while she socialized outside, (witness claim) at the time Beavis and Butthead was aired on Mtv, a cable network, the family didn't have cable. Even though the lawsuit wass dropped, the cartoons remain heavily edited of content. My take, a child in a trailer park who is interested in fire and all things flammable, not unheard of I suppose, if I had to grow up near Dayton. Oh. I'd burn stuff too. This all points to parents not wanting to take the blame for thier childrens stupidity so, we the classic cartoon fan suffer. As a child I did my share of life threating, stupid things as all kids should but my father always had these words of wisdom for me when I screwed up rally bad, " Joe, what the hell is wrong with you"? and "if you do something like that again I am gonna beat your butt blue"! Being that I come from a naturally curious background, let's just say I got my share of spankings. My point is that my parents took an active roll in smacking me when I was bad and because of that I have never let my natural urges take over and killed all the annoying people I run into on a daily basis. Your children are your responsibility not televisions or the malls, yours! If they grow up rotten it's your fault not the media. So I urge you America, stop editing my cartoons, no one has ever been killed by mistaking TNT for a cigar and if they have that is a display Darwinism at its best. Parents, take an active roll in your childrens lives and when they are bad and won't listen, smack them. See, the answer isn't less violence, it's more violence. Children who grow up with a healthy respect for pain are better people, I believe if I was raised in a timeout kind of family, I would be in prison right now, but I am a normal, well adjusted working, contributing member of society, because i was physically punished as a child. I swear, however, that if you people keep editing my Luney Toons I am gonna have to start kickin' some ass! bye.

Behold ! The seventh seal hath been broken !

Okay I geuss better late than never, I am back after a one day sake vacation and ready to go. It is a new year and with that new year comes many new things, resolutions, predictions and lots of speculation about what the new year has in store for us, most of these are just idle stupidity. You make a resolution to lose wieght, be a better father, spend more time away from the office or stop killing prostitutes on the weekends and of course you fail, the food is just too rich, your day is just too hectic, if you don't go in today Jenkins in accounting might get your job and say what you will about that talking dog but he does have some valid points. I always get it right, every year my resolution is to pass out on a floor or couch and wake up groggy and in need of eggs, I am batting one thousand so far. I also enjot making predictions and am horrified to say that a three year old prediction may be coming true, you see three years ago I predicted that the end of days would begin in Florida and in the last few days that has become frighteningly evident. How? I'll tell you how and here it goes. It wasn't the storm systems in the area, it wasn't Jesus' face in a tree in Jacksonville, it wasn't even that whole Cuban missle crisis thing, it was this, Tigger punched a kid! That's right Tigger punched a thirteen year old boy in the face while posing for a photo at Disneyworld. What kind of sick world do we live in? The wonderful thing about Tiggers are Tiggers are wonderful things, they're trouncy, flouncy, trouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, not violent, testosterone feuled death machines, hell bent on the destruction of the human race. How would that even fit into a Disney song? Tigger has, of course been suspended indefinitely, with out pay, until this matter is resolved. I assure you America, this is just a sign of things to come! Soon the world will run red with the blood of our children and thier parents, as corporate mascots across the country carve a crimson swath through our homeland. We will have reports of seven foot tall fluffy bunnies bombing our urban centers, as a once timid and lackidaisical tortoise burns california to ashes and on a lesser note Michigan J. Frog slaughters the entire braintrust of the WB. television company, no one really notices, however and eventually the programs do improve. How the hell is Seventh Heaven still on the air anyway? Look at the dad he's the guy from "the Adventures of the Gold Monkey", a short lived early 1980's Indiana Jones rip off (look it up) and he is the biggest star on the whole crappy show since Jessica Beals breasts got fired. Back on topic though, the blood will pour from fuzzy claw and drip from plastic tooth. Why did you do it Tigger? It is too late however, all you need to do is look in on the hundred acre wood to see that. there lies Rabbit his tiny white head mangled by the claw of the once wise Owl, who stands above him, monsterous, greedily devouring Rabbits cooling viscera as moonlight glints across his vacant red eyes a tear runs down his cheak. See Pooh bear waving a broken sign above his head, bringing it down for another smash, a gurgling sound is heard on last time, Piglet is no more all Pooh bear wanted was some honey, poor Piglet just didn't realize how far he would go. Horrified by his actions Pooh impales himself on a broken sign post nearby, blood slowly covers the writing on the sign, what did it say, Trespassers wil...? Roo had stolen Eyores medication and high from snorting antidepressants, rode his tricycle off a bridge, back shattered at the bottom of a ravine he will not last the night. Eyore is slumped in his leanto a shotgun in his mouth and a smoking hole in the back of his head. As for Kanga she is safe, at least for now, she lays in bed next to Christopher Robin, he has finally fallen asleep exausted from the beatings he gave her earlier. It's her fault, she tells herself she should know better than to anger him when he has hab too much sugar. Tomorrow she will poison him when she learns of Roos fate. See Tigger, see what you did? The seventh seal has been broken and we are all for the chop.

On a different note I saw the video of the so called Tigger punch and if that punch hurt that kid, I say good! I watched it like thirty times and it was a baby love tap, it is barely news worthy. If I had a job doing that low payed costume work and some kid was messing with me, I'd smack him too. Watch the video and you decide, but watch all the videos, especially the one where the kids dad is saying that the guy in the Tigger suit should, basically, come get a piece of him. I am all for protecting your offspring, but if your kid gets beat up by somebody in a big padded suit,( To me that is funny, truely the golden age of comedy come to life ) and you go off needing to be all super tough bad ass, all I can say is this. You are trying to fight a guy in a Tigger suit! Is that clear enough for you? You are a grown man trying to fight a GUY WHO WEARS A TIGGER SUIT FOR A JOB! With all the anger and rage I would feel, if that was my job, you can bet that when I got out of that suit I would welcome a fight.

The point of this story is this. " The world is full of idiots and they are going to be the death of us all"!

Lazy today

I am not in a goodly state today, I don't wanna do anything today. I wanna drink sake and beer and tomorrow I will write two or mabye three blogs, but as for today, I just wanna drink, relax and just, oh, I don't know fling feces at passers by. That's right, chuck turds, huck crap, this is my asian pal Hooflung Poo and there is his brother Weflung, here is thier favorite dish Wingfundooodoo with a poo poo plater, I don't wanna be serious, I don't wanna read news, I'll do it later. I wanna make poop jokes and drink. I am starting a new tradition it will be the Saturday afternoon poop joke, it will be like the Saturday afternoon movie but it won't be a movie, it will be feces or gas related and it won't neccesarily be on Saturday. My world, my blog, my rules... feel free to send me dookie related stories as well.

Bob Nardelli, we hardly knew ye'.

Okay, far be it from me to stand steadily on ceremony but I do have to blow the trumpets from the castle walls, because on January second 2007, Home Depot investors finally and workers finally may have caught a break, CEO and company president Robert L. Nardelli stepped down from his position and left the company. I bring this up in my blog, straying into a realm from which I would ussually avoid, to say," welcome back to the real world Home Depot investors , now make the best of it". I am sure it's not all noise makers and confetti over in Atlanta, HD's Corporate HQ, since nardellis walking cash was reported in the area of two hundred and ten million dollareenies, which I view as a ridiculous sum for anyone, anywhere that does any thing! Last year, a reputable Wall Street magazine reported that the average CEO of a Fortune 500 company raked in a comfortable 11.75 Million dollars a year, Bobs 2006 pay package, came in at a wopping 123.7 millon, that is close to the same pay of the entire Boston Redsox team in 2006! Nardelli claimed that most of that money was tied up in stock options and equity so if the company didn't expand and the stock didn't go up, he wouldn't even see some of that money. Well I geuss he's seeing it now ladies and gentlemen! Home Depot seems to be buying out his stock options, that is probably the reason for his giant package, ( I am going to skip the obvious reference to genitalia that I would ussually put here and take the high road, just this once) which is a good thing since, on january second NYSE, HD ( New York Stock Exchange, Home Depot) opened at thirty seven dollars a share and just three days after Nardellis departure, they opened at 40.44, I am not a Wall Street guru but I know that is a huge jump. So my question is, why did they keep him on for so damn long? I was an employee of the Depot during Bobs tenure and let me just say that, being a builder before working for them, seeing how the company used to be run and then being there during it's downward slide, I can not fathom how the investors didn't just form a lynch mob and remove the problem, I can tell you the employees were ready too. Since 2001 Nardelli and his team "streamlined" the company, which is corporate crap talk for getting rid of as many expenses as possible, including employees, that the company sees as unnecessary. Streamlining ussually helps to increase stock prices and makes the higher ups wages (managers, human resources...etc.) increase as well, sometimes the remaining emploees get a share in the profit as well. Under Nardelli however, stock prices decreased, average wages and raises dropped by huge margins, emploee theft skyrocketed, most of the loss prevention people at HD couldn't find their ass with two hands and a map and they were being focused on employee theft while every shakey crackhead in the nation could just walk out with anything at there leisure. These are the signs of BAD MANAGEMENT, it is not the employees who ruin a company it is the CEOs, the DMs and managers who ruin them, while workers take the blame. In a short lived bit of video idiocy, Bob Nardelli stated, on video that at Home Depot, "Managers are God"! I am not a religious man in any real viable way but I do believe that, if this was heard during my tenure, there would have been a storewide Salem style witch burning, you can fit a lot of heretics in a lumber yard. In responce to that statement. No! Managers are not God, corporate managers , infact tend to be and this is a broad generalization, angry little smatchets, with high blood pressure, feeble bodies, bad attempts at goatees, Napolean complexes and an ever failing fight against simple chronic hallitosis. They are only authority figures in the eyes of the people they can fire and tend to lord over those people as if the were gods. I say if you're gonna lose the job anyway and you don't mind an assault on your record, give 'em a good kick in the groin when they hold out that pink slip, if they even have the guts to fire you themselves. Sorry I tend to rant, back on subject now. One of the last things I read from the Nardelli office before I left was a store news letter stating how he very much wanted to hire military men and women, which is admirable for any company, however he said he wanted to run HD as a military organization more disciplined and all that crap. If I had wanted to work for a military organization I would be in the military right now! I have nothing against military service, mine being a military family going back quite a way, I do have something against the ideals of the military being forced upon you. Besides the fact that in all my digging I could not find one drop of military service on Mr. Nardellis record. Born May 17 1948, B.S. WIU (1971),M.B.A. U of Louisville (1975), Pres/CEO of Camco, as well as GE. transportation systems, GM of Case Construction Equip. and World wide Parts and Components. My point I suppose is this, I am sure that Mr. Nardelli has worked hard to get where he is in life and I am sure he can justify his pay, this is just another showing of how the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, think of that pay incentive every time you go into a store and can't find hel, or there is one person trying to answer six people at once, don't get mad at the workers, call that manager up and say, " hey jagoff, how about hiring more help"? THose big money corporate checks come directly out of workers pockets, streamlining companies so the few remaining workers are so fearfull of losing there jobs that they will take pay cuts to stay at work. This is just the tip of the iceberg America, we are on our way down to a world where soon well over half the country will be living in poverty, an America where twenty percent of the people do sixty percent of the work, fifty percent do thirty percent of the work, nine percent do none of the work and one percent gets all the money. We are headed toward a Stallinist class versus class future and corporate money men are at the helm. I have gotten long winded on this so I shall sum up. Mr. Nardelli I do not know you so I can not hate you, I like to talk to people before I dispise them, so no real ill will intended here, even though you did help raise 300,000 for the Republican National Convention, politicians being not being my favorite people in the world. i'd like to give your kind the benefit of the doubt as hard as that may be for me. Mabye your just a failed college football player who made it in big buisness, of course mabye Hitler was just a failed artist who made it good in Vienna or mabye Castro just didn't try hard enough to be a real big league pitcher. The world may never know.

I know it was long and not as funny ass usual but the story has it's moments I thought, and for people who take it too seriously, stop it! It's parody people picking at lifes little foibles and what have you. Now heres that penis joke... Large package? Mabye to micheal Jackson. or the lollipop called, they want you to help measure there pinkies.

2007 and the wonders of world news.

It's a new year boys and girls and the new year brings new news. Pat Robertson began the new year with another crazy tirade, this time of how we can expect an attack of almost nuclear proportions, here in america. You may recall that two years ago Pat had claimed that god warned him that there was going to be a large storm, a hurricane or mabye a tsunami, that would hit Americas shores sometime that year. Did Pat foresee the coming of katrina or was that just a random generalization brought on by the fact that a big storm hits the shores of America every year? Seams to me that he is about as accurate as Nostradamus but way wealthier and a hell of a lot crazier. Six thousand year old planet anyone? Former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, William Rehnquist, it was recently reported, suffering from hallucinations due to withdrawl from pain killers he was, apparently, addicted to. I think we safely can put the old news about Brett Favre's painkiller addiction to bed now, considering that he never helped pass any verdicts regarding the abortion rights of that purple monster on his couch. Nancy Pelosi is the first female speaker of the house, Ethiopia and Somali fighters are battling six hundred Islamist militiamen in northern Somalia. Hell, a guy in New York City, of all places, saved a man who had fallen on the subway tracks. Construction worker Wes Autrey lept onto the tracks at New Yorks 137th street station to save a man who was having convulsions by the ledge and fell on the tracks. Mr. Autrey rolled them both to safety, like freakin' Superman and save the guys life, the train missing them by inches. That stuff is news, both good and bad for the new year and there is so much more going on in our world. So, what do I see the second I turn on my daily news? Britney Spears passed out drunk at a club, shocking! This report was about ten minutes long, there was three entertainment officials, about as high on the hollywood scum list as movie reviewers I might add, and one of those E.T. public relations bottomfeeders discussing whether or not it was time for Brit to get shipped off to rehab and if her family and career would survive. As I was saying, it took ten minutes before this babbling brook of stupid had finally run out of moron water and then what I got was three blurbs about local shootings, one not to far from my house, two car accidents, five minutes of world news, a little bit of sports, a truck load of commercials and a weather forcast. I love the fact that a southern California weather forcaster can stretch the words"sunny and mild" to six and a half minutes. My point gentle reader is this. There are things happening in or world, some wonderful, others horrible, I think the media and the world government don't really want us to pay attention to what's going on around us, it keeps the masses complacent and content as cattle. Just heed my words" the snake you don't see is ussually the one that bites you in the ass". I love and hate the internet now love it because if you search you can find what you seek, hate it because I sit on my kiester for two and a half hours a day looking through turds to find the corn, so to speak. As for the Britney Spears speculators I'll just say this, you don't worry about our little Britney, she'll be just fine, everyone gets a bit knackered on new years, so come on, leave the poor girl alone, first off she is a single mother now, second a former child star from a very religious, southern baptist upbringing and lastly, she is from the south! you see Hollywood, when you put all that together I think you come up with one very stable individual.

Spontaneous mid-day rant.

Okay this is just what the title says, a spontaneous mid-day rant. I, like a good percentage of the worlds population, was out today looking for a job, in fact, for the last two weeks I have been out daily with my packet of resumes and every time I go in to an establishment to simply hand the manager my resume what should happen? The dirty basterd makes me fill out an application! WHY!? This is stupid, stupid, stupid! Here is my flashpoint on this subject, now Everyone on the planet will tell you that a good resume is key to getting a job in any market, so you take hours out of your life compiling your skills, abilities, work experience, references...etc. You build a comprehensive fact sheet of your very existence, the kind of thing that if God looked at it he'd say," Oh yes I'd forgotten about that". You probe into the very core of your soul and record a virtual encylopedia of your employment history. It is with this tome in hand that you proudly march into the office of your persective employer and announce, " Here sir is my resume". To which they answer, " That's nice, now would you mind filling out this application"? That is the point of my anger. Why have I wasted all this time making this resume if I am just going to have to rewrite the whole damned thing down again on a seperate sheet of paper with some crap office pen that leaks all over the place, including my resume? This is another one of those foolish displays of jumping through hoops for management that I just hate so much. They don't need the application but they have them so they use them, I find it now to be another tedious time waster thought up by a world over flowing with accountants and paper pushers. Some of the applications have a little bit of merit, with those extra little customer service questions. From now on when I read the sentence, "Describe a time when you handled a difficult situation'" I will laugh and respond, at least to myself, " Well I didn't just cram a bunch of crumpled resumes up your hind end you freakish little gimp". Thank you for your time .

Old news but a good idea.

I know this is ancient history as the world of news goes and I know I am writing a daily blog just a wee bit early but I just gotta say, well, a good idea is a good idea. What idea ame I refferring to? Well the story, which you probably already have heard, goes like this. Nestled snuggly in the very heart of the great state of Texas, or mabye closer to one of the edges, who knows, lies a sleepy little burg once known as Clark, Texas. Incorporated in June of 2000 by the towns first mayor and founder, one Mr. Landis Clark, the growing hayseed of a town with it's bustling population of around 300 was, I am sure Mr. Landis thought, on it's way up, up, up. Things in Clark were not so I am sad to say, for a plague was apon the tiny town, a plague known as... poor television reception! You see Clark is in a void one of those many places that, I am appalled to say, still do exsist in our moderized, computerized world that is too far away from a major hub to receive, even the most basic of cable. What about aeriel television reception ? Who are these people, barbarians ? No! Something had to be done, so no longer wishing to live like entertainment troglodytes with no televised sunlight to keep them from a frozen bad rerun fate, the city voted and changed history with one great idea. On November 16, 2005 the city of Clark officially voted and passed a referendum to become the city of DISH (all capital letters), Texas. The DISH Network satallite broadcasting company gave every household in town a DVR and ten years of basic television service. Some opponents of the act say that this was a showing of corporate greed and power and a shameless publicity stunt, that a city changing its name and giving up its history for free television is just too horrible to fathom. Really ? Well I say it was a valid, brave and utterly american thing to do, I would have held out for more than basic television, you know, come on skinimax at the very least but what did these people really give up? A four year old name of a town, named after a guy who could have been a complete ass anyway. It's not as if they changed the name of Pittsburgh to Hienzeville or Seattle to Macintosh but that got me thinking, wow what an idea! If you think about the state all of our major urban areas are in now, you gotta think to yourself, " corporate sponsership couldn't be the worst Idea ". Think of the happy children laughing and playing in the newly built parks of Spamtown, Minnesota or how clean the streets are in the downtown eutopia that is Hooverberg, Ohio. Jump and sing your way through the whiskey canals of Jackdanielsville, Tennesee. Oh I know this is all just a dream that one day corporate sponsership could make the world a better place for our families and ourselves, I geuss I'll keep on dreaming. To you opponents of corporately sponsered cities I say, have no fear, this is mearly a pipe dream of the whispy and romantic sort not to really be taken seriously in any right. I mean it's ridiculous to think, even for a second, that the american people would allow history to be over taken by corporate advertising, what a silly idea indeed. That's all for me today, I am off now to try to get tickets for a game at Qualcom stadium and then this weekend I was hoping to go see the Lakers at the Staple Center or, hey what the hell, I could always take an eight hour drive up the coast and check out historic Qwest field, yeah that might cheer me up.