Ask Cardinal Bjorklund

Hello my children, I know this blog is a bit late in the publishing but please, forgive me. The last in my series of Q&A is another one from Jeremy G. in St. Louis Park, MN.

Jeremy asks: WHy does God hate us so?

Another good question from Jeremy and a humdinger that needs answering and so I shall, to the best of my abilities, answer this question. Originally I was going to try to define God by various religions, both old and recent, monotheistic and polytheistic but that would take hours and I am out of whiskey(whisky for you foriegn readers) so I will try to make it a bit shorter. Jeremy God does not hate us, he simply doesn't have a lot of time for us, what with all the athletes and musicians out there in the world. I gotta say if you take a good look around at this society, we are a population, absolutely brimming with stars and God is right in on that action. Have you ever been sitting on your couch, just flipping through channels and come across some young, hot, hollywood star getting an award? Don't they always thank God? Think about it, did you really think this was a big coincidence or some kind of joke? No it isn't, many people don't know this but God has been deeply involved in the entertainment industry since the mid ninteen seventies. How else could you explain the success of bands like Boston, Knight Ranger and of course M.C. Hammer, devine intervention, that's how. As a matter of fact pretty much every annoying tune from the 80's that seems to get lodged in your head so horribly is most likely one of Gods groups, yes even,"the right stuff", as god awful as that song is (pun intended), was one of his. Infallibility can make the truly religious susceptible to many strange and horrible songs. Sadly, with the powers of good involved in the industry, so cometh the dark powers. It is an interesting fact, however that the devil and all his horry hosts of hell own the rights to almost all the worlds gospel music and they do, at this point in time, own all and I mean all christian rock bands. God is all powerful indeed but even, he couldn't and I am sure wouldn't release a band like Creed on the world, no, that one is definitely a devil band. Of course the bible says God created man in his image so it makes sense that eventually too, he would get himself involved in sports, this happened in the mid 80's. The first sports celebrity God bought up was Cris Carter of the Minnesota Vikings, if you ever wondered why he was so insistent on praying before, during and after a game. By the early ninties God was quickly becoming a sports mogul, buying into sports contracts left and right, his lawyers reminding him that buying up players on opposing teams may be construed as a conflict of interests ( God also owned Reggie Whites contract, a Green Bay Packer and a minister). By the late 90's God simply moved back to the head office and worked sports via proxy. Now he runs one of the worlds largest, naturaly, entertainment and marketing firms, with A-list clients around the globe. It's God and he can multi-task like nobodies business but you must understand, he has a business to run, your prayers could be back filed as far back as a year but he will get to them when possible, so just cool your jets. Now, if you have a saleable talent, that's another thing, you could have your prayers answered pretty quickly, David Hasselhoff is a star in Germany and he sings like someone is neutering him with a rusty tuna fish can. If he can get on the list so can you. I hope that answers your question.

If your question was Why does God hate us so? and you were refering to why does God hate Minnesota Vikings fans so? That is simple, part of the Vikings infamous Herschell Walker trade contract was that, the Vikings would win the Super Bowl eventually, however, this would be the sign that the final seal of Hades was broken and at the time of their winning, also would come the apocalypse. So have no fear, your team will win a Lombardi trophy, they just won't get to enjoy it for a real long time.