Man I an so sick of all thes touchy, feely super heroes.

Does the working title really need a lot of verification? I am, personally, just really sick of the current trend of the Hollywood types, giving all the super heroes these emotions and feelings. First look at Spider-man. In the comics I grew up with, he was a big nerd who was in love with a woman, yes I understand that, blah,blah,blah. however, in the old comics, Spidey still held the whole Ben Parker fiasco in a higher spot than his need for human companionship. Now, I will admit that the movies are pretty good but, could they not dispense with a tad bit of all that,"I'm inlove with M.J. crap? while I am on the subject. What about Superman? I was never the biggest fan of the guy, I could never understand why he didn't just throw Lex Luthor into the Sun and be done with it. I gotta say though, Superman Returns made me feel a bit better about the guy, except for all the lovey dovey shlock that was put into it. Now the whole Smallville series has got me wanting to burn Kansas to cinders, take that DOrothy and your stupid little dog too, even though Dorothy at least killed her enemy, making her more of a man than our current Kal-el. Sure we all understand that these super humans still have feelings and emotions but where does it stop? Do you not have to come to a point where your needs are totally outweighed by the needs of humanity? Look at Spock in Star Trek 2, he was calm cool and ready to die to save all those idiots on the Enterprise wasn't he? No moaning about death, no crying about his girlfriend, just a self sacrificing"pull the plug Jim", and, boom, on to the sequel. Hollywood even tried to turn Batman into a big baby for a while. Back in the day, he was a guy with a job to do and he did it. They tried to turn him into a goody goody, sad man, I am glad that it didn't stick too much. We always understood that these guys and gals with super powers were human and had feelings but they didn't have to cry like mary's because of it. When a comet the ssize of Texas is heading for the planet, that is not a good time to figure out the deep seated problems you have with your love life. When that happens it is time to fly up and kick some comet ass. If you are dating someone who doesn't get it, just send them a dear John letter and go beat the hell out of the threat to humanity if you care so much. If your significant other can't understand that, well, there is plenty of burn off area in the thermonuclear heart of the Sun for them as well. I don't think I am the only one who sees this developing problem in Sci-fi these days. Even Darth Vader, who I thought was so cool in the original Star Wars, became, in the prequels, a whiny bitch of a guy that had all those misunderstood "feelings". There is only one way to put it and it comes from one of our greatest heroes of all time. I refer of course to Shortround, who said it best. " No time for love Doctor Jones! Now stop all the cry babying and do your job!

What has happened to slasher flicks?

Just a quick rant here but I was wondering what the hell is going on with slasher flicks now. I don't want to seem nostalgic for the 80"s because a lot about that decade really sucked, however the 80's did something right when it came down to over sexed teens getting slaughtered in the woods. It wasn't just the fact that the killers were all super human, like Michael (Audrey, in case you didn't know his middle name) Myers and Jason Voorhees (whom I don't believe has a middle name), or when the are in you own head like Freddy Krueger ( middle name is Charles by the way). It is not just the fact that no matter how fast or how far you ran, the killer was right there behind you. No. The thing that they did so right back then was the random boob shot. these movie were usually low budget, poorly edited and full of bizarre plot holes but at least you got to see boobs, which really made it all worth while when you were in your teens. Granted those were 80's bosoms, the droopy teardrop shaped mams one gets when one has not yet realized the need for muscle toning in their early to mid twenties. Yet, they were still boobs and boobs are like pizza, even a fatty saggy one is better than none at all, (don't hold me to this it was merely for a cheap laugh and not actually endorsed by my brain). Now though, slasher flicks are gorier than they were before, the have absolutely amazing FX and rendering. The editing is flawless. Even the writing is well done most of the time. So what about the boobs? Nada, zip, zilch, none at all, not even one, way less than two...zero. The writers still hold true to the whole mythical killer scenario, the big scary house is still there, pretty much all of the plot points that make a good splatter film are there. If you add the fact that they make these movies in a world of twenty-four hour gyms and pilates breaks at lunch. a world were women boast torso temples that would make the Venus de Milo put on a shirt, you would think that now the boob shot would be a given. Alas this is not the case. Yes even though these women have racks that would make pyramid salesman wax poetic, they seem to think it below them to go "topless". How shameful, they are trying to drag down an American tradition, they seem to think their dignity is more important than an iconic chunk of film history. I for one say, "Bring the boobies back!" That is something I am sure we can all get behind and while they are at it, they could have the girls run topless as well, maybe add in some of those leaping through the are shots. How about a slasher flick that takes place at an all women, nudist, trampoline school? Maybe part two could be the same idea but in outer space, zero gravity anyone?

Public opinion and the Pres.

I know that I am not the only person out in our little country, that, when openly stating their displeasure with our current head of government, has had someone tell them,"Hey he's your President so you have to support him." Okay, I do admit that he won, through what means I do not know, I am pretty certain that popular opinion had very little to do with it however. Now, for the sake of argument, let's say that the popular vote actually counted in this countries last election and it didn't come down to votes being counted by a computer system that is owned by a company that our current VP is heavily invested in. Let's just say that through actual charm and charisma, since good politics have nothing to do with American government, that our current fella won the office anyway. Now let's say that I am on the losing side, It was a close race but my horse didn't finish strong. So now that we have a new, popular President. My question is this. Just because he is the popular winner, does that mean I have to like him? Well the number one show in America last week was "American Idol", with 76 million viewers, does this mean I have to like like it too? In a not too distant past, the song "Macarena" was the most popular song in the country, it was also the dance that swept the nation. Did I ever do the dance, or, for that matter, hear the song all the way through? The top grossing movie of all time is "Titanic", just because public opinion is high about something am I supposed to think it is good? Public opinion and good taste do not exactly walk down the street hand in hand my friends, in fact I don't even think they live in the same town. Well, what about just plain winning? Well just because someone wins something doesn't mean you have to like them. If France won the world cup, I would still despise those damn Frenchies. Nascar is not only extremely popular but it also has a winner, if it all went "BLOOP" and disappeared one day, would it effect me in anyway? Nope. The Mighty Ducks are probably gonna win the Stanley Cup, I still hate them and their stupid name. See, you don't have to like things just because they are popular, or they won fair and square. Of course now our President has a lower popularity level than Richard Nixon during Watergate, even lower than Marie Antoinette during the whole "let them eat cake" fiasco. Maybe we can be taught after all.

Damn you TeleMundo!

Seriously, I have one huge question for TeleMundo and Univision. Why are all the women on your shows so much hotter than the women on our shows? Really, next time you are flipping channels, stop by one of these Spanish channels and see how long it takes before some drop dead gorgeous chica pops on the screen, it is usually about two or three seconds. Long legs, tan skin, soft lips, boobs and butt in the upright and locked position, they are everywhere on these channels. Now, i will admit that I currently do not speak Spanish but I was watching one show on Univision and I am pretty sure that I caught the gist of it. The plot seemed to be about a group of young, catholic school girls, that had to settle their arguments by dancing around provocatively until one of them apologized and then the would hug, make up and do their "we're friends again" dance. I have been watching it religiously for a few months now and I gotta say, I am really looking forward to the next season. During the world cup, TeleMundo had coverage from Brazil of a bevy of just retarded hot women in next to no clothing jumping up and down in the background of the television studio. All this makes you think that, if you go south of the border, you are bound to run into the Latin goddess of your dreams. That is my problem I guess. I am walking through this Dessert of frumpy, needy, whiny American women and then, when I think I may have finally found the biblical land of milk jugs and honey pots it turns out to be just crazy toothless guy on a bridge trying to sell me gold chains and Chicklets. Oh well, at least he is fun to drink with.

Questions anyone?

If you have read my stuff before, you may know that every once and a while, I like to give people advice. So, if you are up to it, send me a question, It may be serious or not, either way I will answer it in my own way. That means that if you send me a question about a serious dilemma you are having in life I will probably answer you with a series of hand painted middle fingers on a middle finger shaped vase. That is only if I feel up to making pottery, which I rarely do ever since I was molested by Patrick Swazyes ghost in my tenth grade art class, to this day Unchained Melody makes me go all fetal. On the inverse side if you try to baffle me with the bizarre, I will fill you with an encyclopedia of knowledge about pound cake. Thank you and I look forward to your questions.

Rare Saturday post.

I have had enough of this so now I have to rant about it. Since when is home ownership the American dream? I keep on seeing commercials about how owning a home is great and this is the best time to buy, interest rates are low, sellers needs are high, fixed APR, Etc, I just don't get the appeal. I personally thought that the American dream was something about the streets being paved with pots full of golden chickens but I drank a lot in high school and wasn't ever that sober for history class. Now, I admit that on the nomadic scale, I am on the high side. I am not really known for my ability to put down roots and stay in one place for a whole year much less two. I hate the idea of being tied down to one area of the world. There just seems to be so many thing in this world that I haven't inspected thoroughly enough to solidify their existence. Signing a one year rental agreement, to me, is the equivalent to shackling me to a dull obese person that doesn't want to do anything interesting, ever, and has extraordinarily bad body odor ( somewhat like marriage). With that said, you can imagine how I flip when I talk to people who have signed on to a twenty, forty, or, the most insane one, a sixty year mortgage. I can't imagine that at all. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR SIXTY YEARS????? That is my question. My god, all I can think of is, in sixty years I will most likely have been long since dead. Sixty minutes seems like a bit of a stretch. If that is the American dream you can count me out. I will stick to my own dreams thank you very much. The dream of every nomadic man. A two hundred foot long, flying Winnebago, intercontinental travel time of 2.5 hours. A full lounge, eatery and, of course, a swimming pool, big enough to fit myself and twenty-six of the worlds most beautiful young women who have low self worth and no tolerance for alcohol but a ravenous appetite for chocolate syrup (low fat chocolate syrup, because there would be a "No Fat Chicks" bumper sticker on my transcontinental love ship). You can call me a rebel from your modified track home and scoff at me through your wind chime garden but I don't care, I got me a flyin' Winnebago and a pool fulla bitches.

If you pick it, it will never heal.

I am pretty sure that you have had someone in your life tell you, in reference to a cut or scratch, that picking at it will not allow it to heal properly. Most likely this phrase comes from the days of the bubonic plague. A symptom of said plague was puss filled boils rising from the skin, many doctors of the day believed that opening the boils, hence allowing the puss to flow out of the wound, was an affront to God and should not be done. Plague sufferers were often told that, if they picked at the boils, they would never get well. This advice alone caused thousands of deaths in plague stricken Europe. Somehow this advice has held on into our own, more medically advanced day and age. Many people think that not picking at a soar spot will allow it to heal better than a regularly molested wound. My question is this. Is this phrase meant to be a normal, every day mom-like thing to say, or is it a part of an insidious plot to brain wash the people of our planet into not doing anything to remedy problems as they arise in our ailing governmental systems? Could repetitive phraseology be used to make us more complacent? Of course it could. Just think about it, it would sink into your head eventually, not just on a physical level but on a psychological level as well. it makes sense, we live in a flawed world with flawed rulers. They definitely do not want us "picking" at them or their systems. Well, I for one say pick away. Scrape at the scabs of governmental control, scratch away the crusty coating of dead cells that is aristocratic elitism. It's not a done deal so go ahead, rock the boat, sweat the small stuff, give up your day job and while you are looking any of the various gift horses in the mouth, remember to take some of those wooden nickels.

How about a non-clay Celebrity Death match?

I believe that I am among the many people on this planet that would like to see some of our popular celebrities fight to the death in a ThunderDome-esque reality sport, media, gameshow. Wouldn't it be great? Each month a pay-per-view special that everyone could enjoy would air and finally entertain the, currently unsatisfied masses. I feel that a Rosie O'Donnel vs. Tyra Banks exhibition match would be amazing. Sure Rosie is way, way, way outside Tyra's weight class but I feel that it would be a fair fight since, with a smaller ring size, inertia would not become an issue. i think that the ring would actually, much resemble the ThunderDome of movie fame, except it wouldn't be as big, maybe only twelve feet by twelve feet and only ten feet high. This may make filming more difficult but the level of violence will definitely escalate making our celebrity gladiators way more fun to watch than they currently are. wouldn't so many day time talk show hosts and hostesses sound so much better with a huge sucking chest wound? Actually they would sound a bit more intelligent, blowing hot air out of their chest hole instead of their ass. What other celebs could fall to this fate? Can't just limit it to talk show hosts, we'd run out too fast. We would definitely have to include entertainment news people, we'll show 'em a real red carpet gala, blood red that is. Mario Lopez fights Mark McGrath in the silly, sissy, slapfight to end all slapfights. Ooh I can almost here the hissing now. I wonder if cannibalism could be worked into this whole idea. Maybe the only way out of the cage could be with a key and the key was hidden somewhere in the each persons body, it could be embedded in an extremely tough yet, digestible, casing. The winner would have to eat their way to and then actually consume this casing to digest it. Then a simple matter of passing it through their digestive tract or, simply vomiting it out. This would bring feces and vomit into the equation which would make the show disgusting to watch but still not as disgusting as a day time talk show. Maybe the show could have specialty fights. Oprah vs. Doctor Phil, once and for all settling, not only the dispute over who has the best diet plan but also, who has the fullest mustache. What about real celebrities? I say yes. For the geeks, Patrick Stewart and William Shattner fight all Kal-if-fee style. How about Mel Gibson vs. Steven Spielberg? That could settle a thing or two down Hollywood way. who wouldn't like to see Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie fight a 200 pound, rabid rottweiler, in what I would call,"The All Too Real Life"? Charlize Theron could have a "Tongues only" match with Angelina Jolie, both wearing saliva-digestible clothing. this match would not be a to the death match, I must tell you but really, those two beautiful women, naked and slathered in each others mouth juice, that would bring in almost as many viewers as Kirk and Pickard doing the same thing(nerds are such freaky perverts). Well, that's just one of my ideas to make gameshows more interesting. Maybe we would get even better ratings with a severed head version of Plinko. Anything is worth a try once.

The Great American Conspiracy, Part Three, The Big Picture

Well now that I have discussed our countries biggest problems, stupidity, sloth and morbid obesity and the fact that it seems we are being led toward these things, not away like Oprah would like us to believe. The next step is to point out the little things. I'll start with gated communities and track housing, sure on paper they look okay but in reality they are just another way to trick us into thinking uniformly. All houses the same shape and size, you do get your choice of three colors though, all of which are varying shades of Arizona white. Believe it or not these houses actually promote the non-use of alcohol as well because, if you came home really drunk, how would you find your house? These places turn people into sober, boring, uniform and utterly, utterly unimaginative fleshbots. Now to money, apparently about 90% of everyone in this country hasn't noticed that the value of a US dollar is plummeting like a broken yo-yo. The Pound and the Euro are absolutely destroying us, the Canadian dollar is almost even with us, in this world market we are still only truly superior to the lowly Peso but for how long. The Federal Reserve( the non-government, privately owned bank, that controls our money, interest rates. Etc., Etc... If you don't see the problem with this you are blind and stupid) has actually stated that an internal market would be bad for America and globalization is key to a healthy economy. Healthy for whom? It's obviously not working for the bottom 80% of the country, you know, the working class, the people who pay all the taxes and fund everything. So it must be healthy for the small percentage of people who actually see the profit, owners, investors and banks. If anyone can tell me, in a way that I find feasible, how outsourcing 100,000 American jobs over to India helps our economy, well hell, I will eat my shoes. I am not worried about the lifespan of my shoes, because no argument in the world could show that taking all that money away from us and giving it to them, while the only people who profit are the owners and investors that reinvest the money and never allow it to go back into the community, could possibly be good for our economy. Then you have our countries obsession with breeding. Look, in the old days families needed to have six to ten children, breeding was a good source of cheap labor. Now, however, it is never a necessity to have any children at all, it is a convenience. As I have stated in my previous blogs, we live in a lazy mans world, everything we need done, even on a farmers level, can be done by one man and some machinery. No one needs children to wake up in the morning and milk the cows while ma and pa go hitch up the ox cart for a big day of hayin'. So why the big push for all these babies? Simple, because the Social Security office and the military/industrial complex are running low on money, workers and supplies. More babies means more future workers, more future military and more future money for the government and the entertainment industry, yes, I believe that the entertainment industry is as deeply involved in this giant conspiracy as World Bank is. None of these industries care what kind of world your kids grow up in as long as those kids are pumping money into the machine. This machine has a ravenous appetite and it can never be sated. there is, of course much, much more I could write about in this series but that has been the gist of it all. The big picture, if you will. There is a "They" in our world, Illuminati, Global Power Structure, Fat Cats, Big Wigs, call them what you like but someone is running the show. There is a Captain and be it one person or a group of people, they are steering this boat called America right for a waterfall, so go get your oars and paddle the other way. Sure it's a hard fight but anything worth having is worth working for.

We could also put up booths on the street corners that have a sigh and a button on them. The sign says "Do not press button!" and the button, when depressed, delivers a massive amount of electricity, instantly killing anyone who disregards the sign. I believe that in the first two weeks of this experiment, the nations IQ would rise at least ten points. If this proves successful, we can move on to my "Exploding Twinkie Initiative".

The Great American Conspiracy, Part Two.

So now that we live in a country that is plummeting down the stupid tube at a ridiculous speed. What is the next stage to complete domination of our people? Well, I would have to venture a guess toward laziness. We already know that most Americans are obese and totally out of shape, the last figures I read suggested close to 60% are morbidly overweight, nation wide. That simply means six people out of ten are obese. All you have to do is walk down any street USA and you can see quite clearly that this is factual, (try a sunny California beach during tourist season, it looks like a group of sea elephants wrapped in Christmas tinsel). So, why would the controlling powers on the planet want you fat and lazy? That is so simple it hurts. Fat and lazy people can't fight, simple as that. Modern convenience has turned us into a nation of chubby, languid, cream puffs, nothing more than big hamsters, sitting in our cages waiting for our next scoop of food, maybe later the running wheel? Yes, today is the day I get back into shape and show those guinea pig brothers who's boss. Well, maybe tomorrow, I am awful tired and my favorite hamster reality show is about to start. Yesterday I used 80's sci-fi as an example, today I will use the action movies of the late 80's, early 90's as a guide. Think about how the bad guys always catch the fat, lazy guy and use promises of food and modern comfort to coerce him into giving up the location of the hero. They always break down and then get killed in some horrible way(Think Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park, or that kid in Red Dawn that swallowed the transmitter, sure he wasn't fat but he was lazy and timid, so it counts). It's almost as if Hollywood is either trying to warn the world, or wave the plot in our faces.
What about the fact that it is currently politically incorrect to tell someone that they are obese? In fact some groups are trying to get the word "fat" taken out of the American verbal lexicon altogether. These groups would also like to make the beating of an obese person a hate crime, if you refer to their obesity during the fight. Could you imagine how cocky all those fanboys at Comic-con would be if they were suddenly a minority and knew that beating them would bring a felony down on your head? It would become a safe and secure lifestyle to be protected in such a way by the legal system, which would increase the ranks of the swollen and shiftless immediately. This is all part of the conspiracy by the military/industrial complex to fatten us up and dumb us down. You may ask about genetics and heredity, well I would say that, out of twenty obese and lazy people, one is actually that way because of a thyroid or other glandular problem. I would defy anyone to show me a true genetic disposition towards eating an entire bow of ding-dongs while sitting on the couch watching your stories.
You may think I am paranoid, in which case, you're right, I am but I would rather be paranoid and fit than happily unaware, sitting on my couch collecting dust while our entire society becomes a scene from Max Headroom.

The Great American Conspiracy, Part One

I don't know what you think but I really feel that people in this country are getting stupider by the boat load. Now the average intelligence quotient in our country has not really slipped that far in the last few decades, or so the powers that be would like you to think. Census will tell you that the average IQ in America is 80 to 100 and has been in that same range, pretty much since the testing had been implemented but look around you. Do you really feel that that is an accurate assessment? first off, we live in an age of technology with information right at our fingertips, fingertips, I might add, that we barely even have to raise to get anything done. Take cell phone technology for instance. I have always had a keen ability to remember phone numbers, than, one day I was introduced to the cell phone. I put every number that I would ever need to call into the cell phone so I would no longer have to hold said numbers in my head. So what should happen? About a year later, in a drunken anti-technology, why won't my ex stop calling me moment, I took the whole mess and chucked it into the writhing waters of our own Pacific ocean. This had two effects, 1) I instantly lost every number I had for every person I knew, including the hot girl I had just met, who had amazing breasts, killer legs and not a lot of noticeable inhibitions and 2) it made me realize just how much I relied on an exterior source of memory. After the cell phone fiasco, I actually found it extremely difficult to memorize phone numbers. In that way technology made me less intelligent. How about the computer? I love it, it is an amazing way to collect information, or connect with people. With out the computer you wouldn't be able to read what I am writing, so I am glad for it. The huge downside to the computer is this, information gathering is almost too easy. If I wanted to know about the life and times of, let's say Charlemagne, well I would, at one time, have had to go to the library and look up all kinds of books and references on the Frankish empire, needless to say I would learn several other things in my research, this would make me more intelligent. Now all I have to do is type Charlemagne into Google and, Bam, there I have a list of every reference I would need. This, by the shear fact that we no longer need our reasoning and research skills to find information, dumbs us down even further. How about advertising? Has anyone else noticed that our urban areas are slowly emulating that of 1980's sci-fi urban areas. Go sit and watch RoboCop, Blade Runner, Starship Troopers( I know it is from the 90's but it counts). In these movies, advertisements are everywhere, people stare vacantly into television sets on the side of the street that tell you how much better your life can be if you buy this or that. Watch the films, then, walk around with a friend and see how many terrifying omens of a stupid world you can find for yourselves. You may ask, Joe, what is wrong with all this mass advertising? Well, it's simple, it overloads your brain, the repetition, the constant eye straining lights and ear piercing sounds, after a while anyone would burn out and go fashion zombie. Now, of course we can't forget the school system. I was lucky to be in a comparably good school system as a child and I still felt that we were working at the level of the dumbest kid in the class. Now schools are poorly funded, the teachers can barely survive in todays market on the smidgen of money the are given each year. School closings are not rare, the government claims they cannot afford to keep them open, yet they pour billions of dollars into warfare and weaponry. My personal guess is that in the next decade or so private schools will begin popping up all over the country. These schools will be much the same as those cheesy art and food colleges you see on television all the time. Your parents will have to pay your tuition for elementary school, meanwhile, paying the same, if not more taxes and if they don't, you don't get an education. Who would this benefit? Why the military industrial complex of course. The poorly educated make good workers and more malleable soldiers. They don't know how bad they have it because they have never had it good. Do I have any proof of this conspiracy? You ask. Well, no I don't but walk through any mall or shopping center or down any crowded city street, open your eyes and ears and really check out the situation, then tell me if you need much more proof. My god, I have heard a monkeys butt say more intelligent things after a two hour under ripe plantain binge.

On the subject of killer dogs

Sure we hear about killer dogs all the time. It seems you can't go an entire week without seeing a news story about a pit bull attack or an expose' about the dangers of rottweiler ownership. This is all just news fluff, any dog can be an attack dog if mistreated or taught to be vicious but, for the large part of the canine world, this is not an average compunction. News teams focus on these stories because A) they scare people and fear makes good news and B) these stories, even though over played, are believable. The vast majority of people find it simple to believe in stories about how dangerous dogs are and over look the fact that a dogs demeanor usually is the fault of the owner. These dogs do not worry me, they are just bad natured canines who are in a bad mood, for the most part some friendly treatment and a bit of kibble can change them into nice, if a bit quirky, four legged pals. The killer dogs I am more worried about are the ones who can control your mind. Take the example of the late 70's serial killer David Berkowitz. David claimed that his neighbors dog was partially responsible for the slayings but did anyone ever interrogate the dog? Not at all, in fact they over looked the dog completely even after the dogs owner, a Mr. John Carr apparently committed suicide during a 1977 hunting trip to South Dakota. No one ever considered the possibility that the dog, after feeling heat from the authorities, decided to get rid of his owner, who most likely knew of his powers of persuasion. Throughout history there have been several dogs that had learned to control humans and bend them to their dark will. These pernicious puppies date back as far as ancient Egypt, some historians believe that Anubis was nothing more than a surly jackal with a penchant for mind control. This could explain why so many mummified cats are found in tombs but one rarely uncovers a mummified dog, they could talk their way out of it. Have you ever seen pictures from Nazi occupied Germany during WWII? You will notice, in many of the photos, that there is a dog or two present, usually dressed in a very well tailored silk swastica. Coincidence? I, for one, think not. Want more evidence? Turn to the work of a Mr. Cassius M. Coolidge, an early twentieth century painter from upstate New York. Mr. Coolidge painted the famous, Dogs Playing Poker, as well as fifteen other paintings of canines in different states of what we call, Anthropomorphism, or, giving animals human traits and characteristics. Could these paintings be something more though? Perhaps they are an historical record of a clandestine doggie world that Mr. Coolidge was allowed access to. One of the most astounding paintings is Breach of Promise Suit, in which you can clearly see dogs testifying in a courtroom full of fidos. This shows that dogs may at one time, have had their own justice system, which has since gone underground due to human involvement. Was it courtrooms such as these that at one time in our history, would have punished dogs like the one in the Son of Sam killings? I, for one, believe yes. Look even now in Hollywood, USA at all the young starlets that walk down Rodeo Drive, small, shaky animals, riding in human drawn carrying vessels. As you pass them by, look into their eyes, the vacant stare of the human, the intense glare of the animal. The way it seems to be concentrating its will so hard that it looks like its head may shake right off. This is the power of the mind controlling dog. Now you are aware, do not fall victim.

Vampire survival guide.

Okay, due to the popularity of my zombie survival tips and due to the fact that I have been drinking heavily, I would like to share with you my tips on vampire survival. First off let's put all that garlic and cross hoobamajoo behind us. The whole idea of garlic bothering vampires is ludicrous, the fact is that vampires quite like garlic and they can smell it from quite a ways away. Since they tend to have such a good sense of smell, the only real deterrent is to smear a thick mixture of Elmer's glue and feces on your neck, that should stop any late night jugular munching. Now the whole crucifix idea is just silly, it is not the religious symbol that holds the dark forces at bay, instead it is your faith in said religious symbol, IE. a Jew holding a rosary in a vampires face is about three feet from being a kosher meal. It is your firm belief and steadfast faith in the relics that causes the vampires to shy away. Now for me, since I consider the 1968 Dodge Charger R/T to be the lord on high of all American muscle cars, I would use this vehicle as my relic of vampiric warding.(on a side note, it would be deep black with red flames and I would name it Zod) The one thing that the stories get right is that vampires, like their human counterparts, are highly allergic to having wood spikes jammed through their hearts. What the stories never tell you is that they are also highly susceptible to a full on smash by a number 15 cross town bus, I know it seems very specialized but every big town has a number 15 and now you know why. The most effective way to ensure a vampires destruction is to decapitate it and have the body burned, then take the head to a Chinese restaurant and ask them to use it to whip up a number 15, yes this is a reference to the bus, however, in most Chinese restaurants, a number 15 is also a little known item that translates to "steamed face of undead and windigo wonton". It is true that vampires do not like crossing running water, it is not because of any ancient curse or spell, it is simply because their capes are dry clean only, a shrunken, spotty cape makes for a bad first impression. Vampires are very touchy about the their clothing and the care and maintenance of same. Being sloppy is a sure way to keep them at bay, eat with your hands, don't use a napkin, spit wildly at neighboring tables, a vampire usually wears very expensive photo degradable clothing that turn to dust in extreme sunlight and they go out of their way to keep these clothes in good repair. Standing naked on your front porch every evening, brandishing a double barrel, twelve gauge shot gun with a duck hunting decoy tied to your left testicle is sure to get the attention of any local vamps. It is all very symbolic, the nudity shows them that you do not feel vulnerable, the shotgun let's them know you are not afraid to fight and the duck decoy shows them that your nuts can take abuse while holding the weight of a good size water foul, I am not sure, exactly what this denotes but it certainly seems to work. You can also drink large amounts of wood grain alcohol, or, take it intravenously, vampires don't like the taste of explosive blood but be careful, owls do, damn blood thirsty owls.

To celebrate my 100th blog, more zombie survival tips.

When I'm in an interview and am asked that question,"where do you see yourself in five years?", I can never answer. Interviewers rarely, if ever, can handle the, " just hope I survive the zombies five years from now", approach. You see I don't see myself anywhere in five years, that is the kind of person I am. I don't look to the future any further than I can see down the street. I don't have a stock portfolio, no retirement plan, no IRA. You know what I do have? I have all the knowledge you need to survive a zombie attack. I know I have been writing about it a lot lately but hey, come on, zombie survival is no joke. Why do we go around collecting things like furniture and non-flammable alcohol. when we should be collecting guns, swords and high octane propellants? My buddy Joe asked if he should get a phosphorous grenade, Hell yes he should get one, he should get a whole lot of them. Guns? No .25's or .22's, higher caliber guns are in order for maximum stopping power and penetration. If you do have access to one of those high powered mini-guns that fires about a billion bullets per second, you may join my zombie survival team any day. Leather is the best anti-zombie material you can wear, as long as it's breathable, you don't want to get too overheated in the middle of the fight and let them wear you out. Another thing about leather is the fact that it is a classic style that anyone can appreciate even the blood hungry legions of the undead. I am torn between the katana and the claymore as my head chopper. The katana is far more elegant but even a brain dead zombie would be afraid of a hard swingin' claymore. Music is pretty important as well, when I am in a building that is about to be overrun by monsters I want something that really gets me pumped up for violence. Anthrax's Among the Living album is one of my all time favorites to get my energy up but if you want to through me into a real deep blood rage, you should play some Dave Matthews Band or Creed. Really any of those sad, pathetic, whiny bands that keep making albums that, people, somehow keep buying. By playing these albums over and over you could throw me into a killing frenzy that would make a viking berserker that had been drinking absinthe for three days while he did his taxes seem tame in comparison. Ironically, to survive a zombie attack, you may have to turn to cannibalism for nourishment, so it is very important to travel with, at least one vegan. I know they are annoying and cry a lot but you will thank me after fifteen minutes per pound. I know some of you are wondering if it is okay to have sex with really hot zombies, the answer to this is a stern, maybe. I can say this though, that zombie would have to be smokin' hot, we're talking Kira Knightly zombie here. You still gotta watch out for the flesh eating though and remember, zombie no means zombie no! Now you know my many rules for zombie survival but what can a zombie attack teach us as human beings? Think of what we could learn. How many volts of electricity does it really take before human eyes melt? How fast would a pair of folded up Lee tough skin jeans have to be fired to actually travel through a human body? do zombie women think money is more important than a really juicy brain? Would the zombies in the south just starve to death or simply migrate? How far can you huck a 200 pound body using all the rubber bands at your local Staples? You see, I have way too much on my mind to think about where I will be in five years.

This was post 100 thank you all for reading my crap.

Hell has a new spokesman.

Waaaaah! What's that? Why, it's the sound of the moral majority crying into the sky, saddened by the passing of Jerry Falwell. Yes on the 15th of may, in the year of our lord 2007, after many years of struggling, Mr. Falwell's smug sense of self worth finally burst from his chest, killing him instantly. His family physician told the media that Mr. Falwell had been fighting with a dangerously enlarged delusion gland and if not treated and reduced, it could put incredible strain on his entire ego-system. Mr. Falwell's youth was not free of problems, in his post college years when he had become the pastor at Thomas Road Baptist Church, the young Falwell was already having trouble with his verbal stupidity inhibitor, which is the part of the brain that keeps you from saying incredibly retarded things. Unfortunately he went undiagnosed, being that he was talking to a large group of Southern Baptists in Virginia, when Mr. Falwell would say something really stupid, it went virtually unnoticed. It was later found, that a virus in the water had damaged a large portion of the verbal stupidity inhibitors in Virginia in the 50's and 60's, today there is still a lot of residual damage. Mr. Falwell was a rabid segregationist in his early life as a preacher, many believed this was from a racist upbringing, however, his autopsy would reveal that he had a short circuited black/green color receptor and he believed that people of color were really Martians and as we all know, the majority of Martians are Satan worshippers, this also explains his expressed love for the"rolling black fields of Virginia".In his later years, while raising money for the PTL and during the fall of James Baker, whom, it should be noted, suffered from many of the same problems as Falwell, He suffered sever damage to his humble valve, which caused his body to over produce vainglory cells. This causes the lungs to over heat, which makes your breath very hot, it never was treated and Mr. Falwell continued to blow hot air everywhere he went, up until his death. In the wee hours of Mat 15th, Mr. Falwell's ego-system finally over loaded, the many years of internal pressure and bursting valves caused his body to finally give in. Now, all that the world can do is mourn his loss and await the golden chariot to come from heaven and take him to his final resting place, there is a cloud up there somewhere, his loved ones are waiting. Now who's bringin' the Compari? Maybe Pat Robertson can bring more if you run out any time soon. Or is that just wishful thinking?


If you don't get the Compari statement, just google, Compari+Falwell.

Nothing is really pissing me off today.

I woke up this morning in a relatively good mood. I had a hearty breakfast and got in eighteen holes of frisbee golf on a beautiful Southern California day. Nothing in any way eventful happened at work and no one has really seemed to go out of their way to make my day worse at all. In fact, the last couple days of my life have been very calm, uneventful, I guess you could describe them as pleasant. Naturally, I am filled with dread. I never have two good days in a row, much less three, or four, this is all pointing to old man fate sneaking up and giving me a right good kicking. Now, I am no firm believer in karma but, if I were, I would consider a brief respite from the terrors of a normal day to be some sort of cosmic payment for the fact that I haven't beaten anyone silly with a pipe wrench for a while. However, since I do not believe in karma, or, for that matter, feng shui, I am positive that my kind actions are not being rewarded. No my situation is definitely dire, there is no justification for me to have so many uneventful days in which barely any idiocy has been rammed down my throat by the addlepated, moron zombies that walk my planet in search of a brain they can destroy with their stupifaction field. Beggars in search of spare coinage have walked away from me without a word, moving on to a more foreign and less me-like human coin purse. No one has tried to fight me, no one has tried to urinate on my leg while waiting for the light to change, nothing has happened, in the last few days, that usually happens to me on a daily basis in this little city by the sea. You can probably understand why I am so pissed off about all this, it means that the twisted circus side show that is life is taking a break but very soon, the freakshow barker in the top hat and mustache is gonna yell down an elephant load of human feces upon my worried head. You've heard of the calm before the storm, well this is the creepy boredom before the proverbial shitstorm. I am noy sure when or where but something really annoying and stupid is gonna happen to me and when it does, oh boy, am I gonna lose it. I am sure it will give me a sense of horror, rage and deep satisfaction when it all does happen, I will definitely write about it. Until then I will just try and keep my whits about me and carry a two foot piece of rebar in my jacket sleeve. Like I said though, this lack of being bothered is really getting to me.

Let's segregate the stupid.

Doesn't the title just say it all? What I am suggesting is really simple. If all the things people keep saying about having ID chips installed in people, so they can be tracked by the government, is true. Wouldn't it be possible to make a series of IQ chips that we could put in people so we could keep track of all these incredibly stupid people that are walking among us? Is that infeasible? I don't believe it is. Think of what a great world it could be, if, every time some brainless wingnut was approaching you, an alarm went off and some sort of anti-irritant, defense mechanism went off and protected you from the mind numbing horror that is talking to an idiot. No harm done, no mental discomfort from trying to piece together what the hell the moron is talking about, just a simple deterrent to help avoid wasting energy. Perhaps there could even be idiot free zones in certain cities, wouldn't that be something? A few square blocks of Eden, you could just walk around and not be annoyed by people who are mentally insufficient. Now I know you are thinking that there are so many of them and so few of us, so maybe giving them their own part of the country is more the way we should go. Okay, not a bad idea really, we could give them all the middle states, you know the ones, big, flat and utterly boring, with no real natural resource value, they are perfect. We would cordon off a huge area of the United States and allow them to live, work, play, breed, to do all the things they do in the outside world. Hell they can even start their own government, in fact, how about we throw in a president for them, I think we have one that is right up their alley. After the wall is complete, everyone is moved in and the gates are sealed, that is when we start the re-education of the stupids. Through the efforts of some very bright people, we will introduce some genetically altered predators into their society. Why? Because nothing forms intelligence and reasoning skills faster than a good old life or death situation. Not only do the predators thin the idiot herd but the survivors tend to breed better, more adaptive and intelligent offspring. Every ten years, the citizens of Dumbsville, will be allowed to try to test out, if they pass the tests, they can join the outside world, if they fail, they are given a free box of sleeping pills and a bottle of whiskey and sent on their way. To put your minds at ease, the people on the outside will have predators to, don't you worry about that, I would hate for someone to pass the test to escape the stupid country, only to walk into another country full of dumbasses. Of course, that is about the same idea as walking from Texas to Oklahoma.

Body by God.

Okay, I am always in the mood for some insane religious movement to come into the public eye, if, for any other reason, to see how many people follow it into that big, blind alley that so many travel down in their lives. So, when I saw a commercial for a "get thin through the power of prayer", weight loss scheme, I got giddy as a priest at a little league game who had a huge bag of caramel corn in his brand new conversion van. These people actually tell you that, if you believe in god and pray really extra hard, that you will lose weight. By shunning the biblical deadly sins of gluttony, greed and sloth and, giving into the biblical sin of vanity, you can really lose weight. The best part is that whole ideal that everyone is equal in Gods eyes. So how does he know your fat? Unless, you were created in his image and God likes a Twinkie sundae now and then, in which case, you would be insulting him, which is frowned by many of the religionostra ( I just coined another new word, also I will coin the word, religionatti. Bow before my mighty word power mortals!) What is wrong with these people? Losing weight through prayer? Wow, if their God is so shallow that he will answer those anti-fat prayers but not any of those, kids starving in the street prayers, I have a feeling that getting thin is just the tip of the prayer market. Just think of all the spin-offs you could get rollin' if God is getting these people thin. Maybe a breast enhancing communion wafer, a book of prayers that target your abs, we could call it "30 Prayer Abs". Is your penis too small? Give God a call. Try our toll free prayer line and find out how. Maybe you are ugly, or too short, well, faith can move mountains, so it makes sense that faith can do plastic surgery and bone augmentation too. You know, it never ceases to amaze me, the lengths that human beings will go to, simply to justify their week willed, stupidity. Out of all this, I have but one nagging thought, "How do these people feel about devils food cake"?

Back for more zombies.

One of my earlier posts this week was about zombies and I feel that you all may have thought it was a bit too, let's say, whimsical. I felt i needed to set the record straight, so really I am not dressing myself to prepare for a zombie holocaust. On the contrary, I believe that, if you dress in a fashion that you think make you less vulnerable to zombie attack, you are kind of crazy. I mean, thinking like that, geez, the zombies have already won. How can you possibly hope to repel a zombie attack on the merits of your wardrobe alone? No, the clothes may make the man but it is the weaponry that makes the zombie slayer. I have thought about this long and hard but enough about my body, let's get back to zombies. Now your average walking dead has got an unholy hunger for brains, it is apparent through observation of their eating habits that actual intelligence does not work into this equation and that the actual brain matter is the only thing they really crave, apparently, human above all. Zombies actual aversion to eating animal brains is not so much the lower intelligence of the animals but, the fact that zombies have a lot of problems digesting fur. So, as far as clothing goes, wearing several dead and dieing animals on your body is justified in the event of a zombie attack, or a really wild night in New Orleans. The most important thing you can carry with you is a samurai sword, this is an indispensable tool in the fight against the undead and it makes you look really cool as well. They are also handy for opening tins of food and beer bottles, if you do not have an emergency church key. As a side note, if you can't open a beer without a church key at hand, you will be killed by zombies. Alcohol is one of the major components to zombie survival. It kills brain cells, zombies eat brain cells, therefore, drinking beer, helps shrink the brain, making it less noticeable to the life challenged. I have many tips for surviving a zombie attack and I practice many of them as often as possible. So remember, Sleep with a gun or a sword within arms reach of your bed. drink heavily before going to sleep, to make yourself harder to find. Cover your head with blankets and pillows. Above all, if you are woken by something in your room, start swingin' or shootin'. I mean, maybe your spouse was just out later than usual but maybe there is an unholy spy for the starving armies of tortured souls that must feast on flesh to continue their assault on the living world and it's in your bedroom. Either way, I am sure you can explain it to the cops. Take the green pill if you understand, if not, await sentencing.

Now, from the Stupid Files.

So all I heard was the joyous exaltations of the noble San Diego pub regulars as they laughed and joked about Paris Hilton being sent up for forty-five days on a DUI/suspended license charge. No Rush Limbaugh, or Britney Spears, style rehab, which is so in in Hollywood now. Nope, she had to go to jail. Now granted, she isn't staying in the same iron bar motel that you or I would be in if we were sent up. I mean, there's not much chance that dainty miss Hilton is going to be forced to toss the salad of a three hundred pound bull dyke named Chevette but she is in jail none the less. Sure the worst thing that might happen to you in Hollywood hard time is missing a nail appointment, or not getting your bikini waxing in on time for the next big Playboy party but still, she's a celebrity and she is in jail. That has to count for something, doesn't it? It makes the average man on the street giggle with delight when John Law treats celebrities like average folk. So I was kinda, taken aback when I saw a news story about a bunch of people that were petitioning old Governor Arnie to release her. The crazy thing is, these were average everyday shmoes, like you or me and they are protesting and trying to get her out of jail. What the hell is wrong with people? They were talking like she was on a rock breaking line for god's sake, please, the worst thing she is dealing with right now is a slow internet connection. If you, or I had gotten caught DUI and driving on a suspended license, remember this is not a first offense either, we would have been in the state work house for at least 60 days and that is with a decent lawyer. We would be seeing one hour of TV a day, maybe two, depends on the state. We would be lucky to have a phone to use and the one or two computers that you may have access to are still, really hard to get to. We wouldn't be in a maximum security situation but you still get to sit and rub elbows with some of societies less desirable bags of skin. I bet Paris isn't even wearing the state issued grunder wear, hell i bet she has a designer uniform, then again so do McDonald's employees so I'll drop that argument. My point is this, Paris is a rich, spoiled kid that needs to grow up, maybe, if her jail time is really hard on her, she will become a better person. Maybe, if she when to a tougher jail, she would start doing soft core, lesbian, girls in chains movies. The world is full of ifs and buts, one thing is for sure though, Paris's jail time is, someway, somehow, going to be worked into some kind of reality show, or TV movie. I hate people, I really, really do.

Does being sexy get you further?

Isn't it a pure and straight forward example of hypocrisy when a former lingerie and fashion model, turned talk show host, does a show about how wrong it is that being sexy or attractive can get you further in life? How can an ex-model possibly take this question seriously? Yet, there it is, right as I am making my morning juice, ( I know that sounds perverted but it was just grapefruit juice) and there she is, mouth agape, totally awe struck by the fact that a plain looking woman got less attention than a hot woman on a Los Angeles street. Yes, I was a little shocked too, I understand that talk show hosts are supposed to stir up controversy but is showing the world that you are oblivious to your own life and history a good way to do it? A super model, walking around berating people for objectifying beautiful women is like an orange farmer yelling at people for drinking orange juice, stupid and hypocritical. I am no stranger to the fact that I live in the state of hypocrisy but here most people just say stupid things behind your back, rarely do they go and do it on national television. Making millions of dollars on your body and then telling people to seek inner beauty, right, Buddha you ain't there sister. Now people will tell you that these ladies make it because of their drive and ambition but you can say that until your lips fall off but until Victoria's Secret starts parading ladies of a slow glandular persuasion down their new, more structurally stable runways, it's still just a big steaming load of dookie. There is no way that these girls make it on drive alone and then they have they have the gall to act like their bodies had less to do with making it than their pure urge to be famous. Right, they can go on thinking that if it makes their lives easier, myself, I will go on looking at hot women and thinking not one smidgen about their IQ score. At least I can say, with a clear conscience, I am no hypocrite, now let me see you in the pink number with the laces there Einstein.

What is your fashion style?

You know, I am fine with the fact that I live in a fashion vacuum. I understand quite clearly, that the clothes I choose to wear, Jeans and T-shirts, pretty much exclusively, are no longer accepted by many people to be what to wear in California. So I was shocked when a girl from a local hospitality industry magazine, came to my bar and asked me what I had to say about "bouncer fashion". I kid you not, bouncer fashion. It took me a second to think about it and I think she recognized my confusion so she followed up with, "yeah, what do you guys do to stay fashionable?" Still stupefied by this woman and wondering if she was just yankin' me or trying to figure out some god-awful icebreaker, all I could think of was telling her that I chose my clothing very carefully so I would be totally prepared in the event of a full on zombie holocaust. The young lady seemed to think I was teasing her, she gave me that 'you're a jerk' look, that I tend to get from so many women, probably because I am a jerk and she walked away. Well, besides the obvious problems I have with bouncers being fashionable, I am appalled by the fact that she didn't want to discuss zombie survival tips with me. I personally, am fond of blue jeans, for the comfort and durability you need when fleeing the walking dead. T-shirts breath well, and they tend to be tough and absorbent which is a must, being that you will probably need to ward off bites and scratches, plus the cotton should soak up a lot of the zombie saliva, so you won't have to worry about it seeping into any open cuts and contaminating your blood stream. Boots? Hell yes boots. You really don't want to be caught in anything flimsy, or open toed when there is a chance a creeping torso will bite off your big toe, making you lose your balance, stride and vertical leaping ability, might as well just pin a sign to your chest that says zombie chow. Now another good choice is a hoodie, or a Dickie's work jacket, they are both tough, easy yo clean and above all warm. You may end up on the roof of a building for a while and even in California, those rooftops can get mighty chilly. Pockets are a must as well, food, water, extra ammo, you need to carry lots of things, while still keeping your hands free to wield your weapon of choice, be it a shotgun, or some sort of sword, even a wheat scythe is acceptable in a zombie attack just make sure you have plenty of swinging room. A Mag-lite flashlight is useful but not completely necessary, it is good for bashing skulls but zombies tend not to be bothered by bright lights, their vision doesn't work in the human sense and it is more or less just an impulsive light sensing field effect. avoid wearing anything that smells like a human brain, most after shaves and mens colognes are created using a base chemical that is found in human nervous systems, also, do not carry brains with you while you try to escape, these may seem like harmless souvenirs at the time but they go south fast and can be extremely detrimental to your survival. Gloves and sunglasses, to keep gore out of your eyes and off your skin but also to look cool too. That about covers my blog on zombie survival fashion etiquette, so I will leave you with these final thoughts, "ditch the infected and always shoot for the head"! Happy surviving.

Just too damn masculine.

I had just recently finished with an on stage set at a small bar in Ocean Beach, it wasn't the best I'd ever done but it, by far, wasn't the worst. I walked outside as any stand-up comic tends to after their stage time ends, when I happened upon three women and two men that I had seen in the audience earlier. "I hope you are enjoying the show", I said to the group, "Not really", relied one of the women. I shrugged my shoulders and gave her the look I get when I really don't care what someone is saying, I get a lot of practice with it so it's almost perfect. As I turned to walk away, the displeased young lady, stepped forward to block my exit, she obviously wasn't used to being ignored so it confused her when I turned away. "You're too masculine, that's why we left the show, you act to manly up there." At this I had to stop and look at the group, five people, one woman who was directly in front of me, chin up and shoulders pulled back in an I am woman hear me roar sort of way that is so popular with insurance agents and realtor's. Two other, younger women, infusing cigarette smoke into their lungs and giving me sideways glances that to me said,"I'd go to bed with him but I wouldn't let him enjoy it", scorning me with their eyes but trying very hard not to let any smoke fly in my face. Now I get to the two men, fist they couldn't be overly proud of their situation, after all they had just basically let someone call them effeminate and just took it in stride. I should point out that these two guys were dating two of these girls, they weren't gay, which would have changed the whole scene that was before me. Sure these guys were your average metro-sexual goof balls, polo shirts, popped collars, seams in the pants where someone has wasted good drinking time ironing clothes, you know the kind. So I look this rabble over and then I look into the expectant face of our little roadside Naomi Wolf, who it seams is expecting an apology from me, ironically, for being me. All I can really do is look down into her face, wink and say,"Yep I am all man baby", (which is a line I use as a tribute to Brody from Mallrats) and just turned to walk away. Now, I don't exactly know when being masculine became a crime but it seems to me that it shouldn't be looked down on like it is. If you are any kind of a man, people equate you with rednecks and truck drivers, that is kind of irritating, don't you think? Here I am, educated, verbose, intelligent, active, I enjoy writing and read more than just about anyone I have ever known. Yet, I am looked down upon in this world because I am too masculine, you know, that would really hurt my feelings, if I wasn't a man and I had all kinds of worthless crybaby type feelings crawling around inside of me but I don't, because I am, not just masculine but a full grown man, with stupendous genitals, if I do say so myself.

Hate, such a strong word.

I am a born hater, not a hater in the ghetto slang kind of style but a hater of things. People, places, things, mostly people though. We live in a world with so much stupid stuff flying around that, if you are even of moderate intelligence, you can not help but hate a good chunk of it. I am not shy about my many dislikes and not at all shy about voicing my many hates. The simple problem I now face is that I am constantly hearing the phrase, "hate is a very strong word"' from the soft squishy people that hear me voicing my dislikes for various nouns. Yes I hate those people and would not even blink if I was to pass their smouldering bodies on my way to work but this is not about my disregard for them, this is about their disregard for vocabulary. Hate simply means to, dislike intensely or passionately and I for one believe that intensity and passion are very important to life. I would not be very happy if I walked around all day thinking about how neutral I was about stupid things, why not just kill myself if I am gonna be all melancholy about stuff. So with that said I will give you some words that are far stronger than hate. Abhor, bemoan, despise, detest, scorn, execrate, revile, loathe, all these words are far stronger than hate. Leave poor little hate alone, it's a friendly and kind word compared to many of it's bigger brothers. Just walk away from hate, let me and hate be friends and allow us to hang out unhindered by your soft moral objections, it's what's best for all of us. If you do feel the need to continue your anti-hate tirades I will be forced to bring in the big guns and show the dirty hippies a thing or two about human verbal capability, I will move them from the halls of the hated to the darkened trenches of the truly vilified. Finally, no amount of fluffy, blind, stupidity can ever turn me into a loving, caring, nurturing human being, I am a hate filled ocean of humorous, bile and I will vomit my rage and disdain for all the various, unlikeable nouns of this world until I am sick and tired of it and go live in the woods.

On the topic of fat kids.

I am always noticing how big people are getting of late but I just recently had this thought. If our food is getting healthier and our population is growing so fast, why are all these kids getting so fat? The food was supposedly worse when I was a child, we didn't have as much knowledge of fats and carbohydrates, the Atkins generation was still decades away. The kids in my school were chubby, or a bit flabby but even the kids we called fat were, by todays standards, bulimic. My mom would feed us bacon, pancakes, eggs and top it off with some form of beef or other and that was a small breakfast. You can't finger point at inactivity because I was a down right sedentary as a child. I would do anything to avoid being overly physically active, yet I was was chubby in the baby fat way and nothing worse. Snacks in my youth were laden with calories and trans fats with next to no protein value, plus saturated fat was never spoken of in the cookie and apple pie world. The fattest kid sixth grade with me was a lad named Jerry, who, though overweight grew out of it during summer break. The foods we have now, in comparison to those days, are relatively healthy but the kids are just ridiculously fat now. prepubescent boys and girls across the country are being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes all the time. How is this all possible in a world that is trying to be so healthy? Unless it is all a lie. Maybe food was better back then and this whole fattening the kids thing is a plot by large gimmicky weight loss clinics to keep themselves out of the red for a few more decades. On the other hand maybe since Darwinism is taking such a drastic back seat in our world, the week unhealthy fat gene is finally over breeding and a few panthers let lose near our local schools would help trim the national fat. Maybe our planet is a breeding ground for an alien food supply and in another ten years we will have a" V" episode taking place right before our eyes. For whatever reason this is all happening all I can think is that it just doesn't make sense. In a world that is ravaged by starvation and over population, how can all these American kids be so damn fat. It doesn't add up so I am putting it on my conspiracy theory list and saying the government is to blame. After all, the morbidly obese are easy to control and don't have the energy to fight back. Twinkie all around boys and girls.

Americas bible belt and lesbian porn.

Okay, so not so long ago in a small public library in Bentonville, Arkansas, the teenage sons of a Mr. Earl Adams, were perusing the military history section when they made a horrifying discovery. There, on the shelves among the tomes of Sun Tsu and Steven Ambrose the history hungry youngsters found a book that just didn't belong. That book was " The Whole Lesbian Sex Book". I'll tell you, when I read this story, I was shocked, " they have libraries in Arkansas"? I thought to myself, I never would have believed it. Well, the facts are kind of shaky about what the teens did after they found the book, I am sure that, being forward thinking children, they alerted the librarian immediately and he or she removed the offending book and placed it in its Dewey specified area. After all, what self respecting set of teenage boys wants to read a book about lesbianism? Perhaps a less moral child would have sneaked away to a darkened corner of the library and looked for erotic pictures or even slightly arousing paragraphs but I have no doubts that Mr. Adams children knew better. Adams is now seeking reparations in the order of twenty thousand dollars,(10 grand per kid), siting mental strain from lack of sleep. Adams was quoted as saying, his sons were, "greatly disturbed" and finding the book had caused,"many sleepless nights in our house". I can really sympathize with Adams plight, you see, when I was fourteen years old, I found my neighbors copy of Hustler magazine. Naturally, with a name like Hustler, I thought it was an instructional magazine on the art of gambling, little did I know that, when I opened the cover, that I was gambling with my youth. Nude women with super human breast gravity, washing expensive cars covered in nothing more than a thin layer of baby oil, some soap suds and, what I can only assume was sin in liquid form. On yet another page, a ridiculously long legged vixen sitting atop a pool table, right foot in the corner pocket and the left, impossibly wedged in the far side pocket, glistening cheeks befouling a once fine felt. Worst of all was the middle of the book, were two women were intertwined in a greasy act of well lit coitus, I remember being so upset by some of these photos that all could do was stare at the page, feeling to dirty to even turn the page and to disgusted to look away. After breaking the spell of the scandalous mag, I ran straight home, jumped in the shower and tried to wash away the filth. Much like the Adams kids, I too spent many a night, wide awake, not able to get the wicked pictures from my head, I also continued to try to wash the filth from my skin, sometimes as much as three or four times a day. Good for Mr. Adams in his pursuit of this 20,000 dollars, it is high time a father started protecting his offspring from the ravages of the outside world and all its sick, twisted, morally decayed reality. The offending publication has since been removed from the shelves of the Bentonville public library, in an e-mail, last Thursday, Adams said, " God was speaking to my heart that day and helped me find the words that proved successful in removing this book from the shelf." Wow, another shock, they have the internet in Arkansas? I'll be damned. Well it's a good thing they got the book of the shelves anyway, now hopefully Mr. Adams children don't accidentally find more pornography on that that internet.

The reality of this whole thing is this. If you got ten grand every time your troubled teen spider monkeyed himself in the dark. the planet would be buried in cash, masturbating would totally devalue the dollar. The ensuing depression that would happen after every parent in the world gave their kids a Larry Flint stylized stock portfolio would have us all looking at porn in mile long bread lines. Mr. Adams is another person in search of a fast buck off of a frivolous lawsuit. If he was serious about his moral conviction and not just another moron on parade like so much of the rest of our planet, he would march back to the Bentonville library and have them remove all offending sexual material and not just the one book that probably kicks his male insecurity into hyper drive. He could start with getting rid of the video,"A Christian approach to Sex Education", then you could move on to," Alice on the outside", of course you would need to get rid of,"Anna Karenina", and finally, bye bye to, " All in a Lifetime: An Autobiography of Dr. Ruth K. Westeimer. In for a penny, in for a pound, right Earl?