Vampire survival guide.

Okay, due to the popularity of my zombie survival tips and due to the fact that I have been drinking heavily, I would like to share with you my tips on vampire survival. First off let's put all that garlic and cross hoobamajoo behind us. The whole idea of garlic bothering vampires is ludicrous, the fact is that vampires quite like garlic and they can smell it from quite a ways away. Since they tend to have such a good sense of smell, the only real deterrent is to smear a thick mixture of Elmer's glue and feces on your neck, that should stop any late night jugular munching. Now the whole crucifix idea is just silly, it is not the religious symbol that holds the dark forces at bay, instead it is your faith in said religious symbol, IE. a Jew holding a rosary in a vampires face is about three feet from being a kosher meal. It is your firm belief and steadfast faith in the relics that causes the vampires to shy away. Now for me, since I consider the 1968 Dodge Charger R/T to be the lord on high of all American muscle cars, I would use this vehicle as my relic of vampiric warding.(on a side note, it would be deep black with red flames and I would name it Zod) The one thing that the stories get right is that vampires, like their human counterparts, are highly allergic to having wood spikes jammed through their hearts. What the stories never tell you is that they are also highly susceptible to a full on smash by a number 15 cross town bus, I know it seems very specialized but every big town has a number 15 and now you know why. The most effective way to ensure a vampires destruction is to decapitate it and have the body burned, then take the head to a Chinese restaurant and ask them to use it to whip up a number 15, yes this is a reference to the bus, however, in most Chinese restaurants, a number 15 is also a little known item that translates to "steamed face of undead and windigo wonton". It is true that vampires do not like crossing running water, it is not because of any ancient curse or spell, it is simply because their capes are dry clean only, a shrunken, spotty cape makes for a bad first impression. Vampires are very touchy about the their clothing and the care and maintenance of same. Being sloppy is a sure way to keep them at bay, eat with your hands, don't use a napkin, spit wildly at neighboring tables, a vampire usually wears very expensive photo degradable clothing that turn to dust in extreme sunlight and they go out of their way to keep these clothes in good repair. Standing naked on your front porch every evening, brandishing a double barrel, twelve gauge shot gun with a duck hunting decoy tied to your left testicle is sure to get the attention of any local vamps. It is all very symbolic, the nudity shows them that you do not feel vulnerable, the shotgun let's them know you are not afraid to fight and the duck decoy shows them that your nuts can take abuse while holding the weight of a good size water foul, I am not sure, exactly what this denotes but it certainly seems to work. You can also drink large amounts of wood grain alcohol, or, take it intravenously, vampires don't like the taste of explosive blood but be careful, owls do, damn blood thirsty owls.