Ask Docter Bjorklund.

Hello loyal readers. Last week I asked some of you to send me questions or problems that you would like advice on, well the letters just poured in. I got three in fact, which was at least two and a half more than I had expected. Begining today I will answer them in the order they were recieved starting with a very important mathematical problem from Minnesota.


Jeremy from St. Louis Park, Minnesota writes: Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and the buns in packages of twelve?

A good question indeed, I had to do some serious investigating on the situation, IE, going to the market and perusing aisle, both bread and meat related. As I walked, store after store, note book in hand, something dawned on me. First off, I really like bacon and second Jeremys question was simply the tip of a mathmatical iceberg, lurking, unheeded, until you , the S.S. Consumer should tear your hull on it's waiting point and be eaten by, I don't know, let's say yetis. What I found in those many aisles was this, as was said some hot dogs come in packets of ten and buns in packs of twelve, however, in many cases you will get franks, which are technically hot dogs, in packets of eight. Sausages can be in the five to six per packet range and I will omit cocktail weiners, and breakfast sausages for the sake of arguement, being that people rarely eat them with buns. I was happy to find a package of ten hot dogs at one local store but, in searhing for breadables I could only find packs of eight, which would have forced me to purchase four packs of dogs and five packs of buns. At a different market I easily found packets of eight hot dogs but only found buns in packs of ten or twelve, which would once again force me to buy forty of each. The sausage equation was not much better at either store, if but for the fact that I would have had to only buy half as many of both meat and bread but would have spent more, sausages being quite pricey and all. This was the same sad story at every food mart I visited, from the super markets, right down to the little ma and pop shops, I could see a conspiracy forming but I needed more proof so, as a last ditch effort, I was off to one of those huge, mega, stock up stores to see what would happen if I bought in bulk. I decided to be fair and visit the two major stores of the mass quantity type. The first store was about what I had expected, you could easily pick out a package of twenty hotdogs and up to ten sausages, nice round numbers are always helpful. The buns were another story, twelve or twenty-four, that was insanity, to even my bun to dog ratio I would need to buy sixty of each, that was almost the finl piece of the puzzle but I needed one more, the piece that is only one color and you can't tell if it is sky or water, mabye it's a part of a shirt but whatever it is it's blue and doesn't seem to fit anywhere so it's got to be the last piece, that was the piece I was searching for. My final stop, only a short walk from the last, was an absolutely sprawling center for the shopping arts, absolutely magnificent, I was sure to find my answer here. The bread aisle was immediately accesible, so that is where I went. To my delight I found buns in deli packages of five and regular bulk packages of ten and twenty, I thought to my self,"this is it, here you will find redemption for the hot dog world". I approached the edible flesh area of the store in high spirits, peered in to espy the various victual and almost dropped to my knees in shock at what I found. They had hot dogs alright, in packets of eighteen! That was it it was all in place and now I can tell you, in answer to your question Jeremy. You can only find hot dogs and buns in nonmatching numbers because all the stores in America are deeply wrapped in a government plot to give you gout, that's right, gout. Gout: an acute recurrent disease , characterized by painful inflamation of the joints. It is so obvious now, gout, a disease which tends to strike in people who hold to a diet of the more fatty and processed food types, it swells your joints and makes it difficult to walk, or even move. It makes it especially hard to fight off the government when they come to take your rights away. How can you ward off the man, if you can't even get out of your couch? I hope this answered your question Jeremy and to you and all my readers, remember," hot dogs eaten in moderation, make a healthy world and a safer nation".

Unt sausage is goot, baloney of course,
Dey makes 'em mit dog,
Und dey makes 'em mit horse,
I geuss dey makes 'em mit he.

From Der Deitchers Dog (where o' where has my little dog gone)
written by: Septimus Winner, 1864