A review of August 2007

I am not often critical of entire months but this one has been a strange, universe in the balance, kinda month. It actually started with me taking a rather pleasant trip ti San Fransisco, which was a good point. It is a wonderful city with a bar called Zeitgeist that I think everyone should go to and drink at, it is a lot like a German Beer hall with an 80's gutterpunk twist but it has the bonus points of not being full of Germans or gutterpunks and all their various smells, I shall go back. That, sadly, was the best part of the month of August, since my return to Southern California it has been hot and humid, I have not checked to see if these are the Santa Anna's but, whatever it is and I am thinking that it is the whorey minions of hell trying to over heat SoCal in an evil attempt to drive up ice cream prices and close down non-corporate taco stands so Satan and Dick Cheney can take control of both the California ice cream lobby and the illegal carne asada traffic from Mexico, any way it has been too hot for my Viking blood. With the heat this month, have come the poor drinkers and week of stomach, therefore the bar has been awash in vomitus messings. I am officially naming August the "You can't hydrate your body with alcohol awareness month", so drink some water you newbie drinkers and stop throwing up in my bar or I will burn the word "PukeJerk"into your face with a hot knife. The biggest reason that I am writing about August 2007 is that I wanted to tell the story of the Phantom Deuce. I am standing at the door of the bar the other day and am asked to check out the men's room. I think maybe I have a puker but it is something much worse. As a disclaimer, do not read this while eating. Some one had shat their pants in the bar men's room, literally I mean, their drawers were still on the floor all knotted and fecal. The strangest part was that they had somehow pooped on the bottom of the bowl, it wasn't a runner and no dung on the floor but on the curved bottom part of the bowl and the smell was as if the Golgothan itself had had a particularly nasty sulfur and egg sandwich. I couldn't stomach it, lucky for me we have people at work that own children and can deal with poop and a half of bottle of bleach later it was gone. So that was my August 2007 in review, I really only did this as a coping story for myself because if I have to deal with that image of dookie in my head, so do you.

what else is good? Things I like: Part Three

So we have covered breasts, political scandals and cereals, so what else do I enjoy? I could cover music quickly by saying I like some music but refuse to be one of those people that will say I like a little bit of everything. For instance, country music. I enjoy the works of Hank Williams (not Hank Jr., he sucks, but Hank III is okay) and Johnny Cash, in fact much of the music from the golden years of the Grand Old Oprey, I quite enjoy. That being said I can also say that I have not liked a new country song for the 34 years I have been on this planet, the song "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" or "friends in low places", should come hand in hand with a stiff crucifixion and immolation by fire. Oh since this is a "things I like ", column, it is important to note that the burning and torture of idiots is on of the things I like and if Dresden had been full of morons and their damned seed that I would have been one hundred percent behind the fire bombing of it. Is it strange that two things that comfort me are big fires and the sound of breaking glass? Probably, but I didn't get this way being normal so I will see where that comfort fetish takes me. Years after all the fighting of my youth, I have find that I really enjoy asparagus, it was just that my mom wasn't a very good cook. Since I am on food again, I like beef and think people should leave the higher food chain, omnivours alone before we turn on you and your slow moving offspring. A key to survival in a cannibalistic society is to run away from the people who are trying to get you to wear an onion necklace and a crown of cilantro but that is just a side note. I like zombie movies quite a bit, probably because they freak me out and not much does that. Video games make me happier that a pig in a pile of truffles and poop. Poop disgusts me but I still love pork products. This thing keeps rolling around to food in a disturbing patern and that means I am hungry. I am going to go eat now, I have a pound of thick cut bacon and a stomach pump so it's doctor certified bulemia for me.

Things I like: Part Two.

Continuing down the path of things I like, I was reminded by a recent news article, that I quite enjoy when the rich and powerful fall. I say this as a short note about Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who was recently arrested in a Minneapolis men's bathroom for lewd behavior. This story reminded me of so many things I like. I like it when my home state is on the news, just gives me that sense of "hey I'm from there". I truly enjoy seeing a political figure get put in an uncomfortable position. And I do find it absolutely wonderful, when someone openly and publicly claims they are not gay, after trying to, repeatedly, to have sex with another man in a public restroom. Just like anyone else that is not a member of the power people, I like it when the fall. I also enjoy it when the plead for forgiveness on television. That being said, I would like to talk about something else I like. I like boobs. You knew I would have to write it sooner or later, so I'll just get it out of the way now. Now, I don't like them in the same way breeder males like them. I am not and have never been a breeder, so I think of boobs as fun, not functional. They are part of the female esthetic that makes women so attractive. Now as far as boobs go, I am a quality not quantity kinda guy. I am actually quite scared by those women that walk down the street and their breasts are so big they look like the are going to tear the fabric of the blouse as well as space, time and continuity. I just do not believe that quantum breasts are a good idea. Women will often ask guys what is so great about breasts, to which we reply "I dunno, they're neat", this satisfies me as an answer but women want more depth. The fact is that guys, and this means all guys, like bags of things. Try it, give a guy a Ziploc baggy full of Jell-o or even water and he won't be able to put it down. This also explains why men can't stop playing with your boobs when you give them the chance. It is not a deep seated mother issue, it is more like a cat with a ball of string issue, slightly predatory but mostly for fun. If a guy plays with his moms breasts however, that is a mother issue. So what about fake breasts then? I can't argue with craftsmanship, if a job is done well I will be happy with it, sadly there is a ton of shoddy workmanship in Souther California but there is also several shining stars in our fake boob galaxy. I guess when the functionality question comes up I don't even really know why or how boobs work, I just know they're awesome, with their mind control powers and the hypnotic effect they seem to contain. I just enjoy their presence. I guess I can say, I don't know much about tits but I know what I like.

Things I like.

One of my readers asked me the other day to write about the things I like. That is it, she just wanted me to, not write about things I hate for a while but, instead things I like. So here goes. Todays thing that I like is gonna have to be cereal. Oh, I know you were expecting something more along the "hooray for boobies" or the " I needs me a pool fulla bitches", line of thought and no doubts those topics will arise in the near future but for right now it's cereal. Now I will let it be known that I can not pin down my favorite cereal, some weeks I am a Cap'n Crunch guy, others I lean toward Cinnamon Life. I do, like many humorous people of intellect, like to have at least five varying types of cereal in my home at any given time, this does include oat meal, which is simply a cereal you need to cook. Does cereal make you funnier or increase your vocabulary? Who knows and who really cares to know? The answer to the first question is, of course, yes. I am currently going to the local Mexican and Asian food markets and buying boxes of cereals I have never had before. Sure it is the same thing as corn pops but it has a different name, that makes it all foreign and mysterious. I definitely need to have a box of raisin bran on hand at all times because, like all red blooded American men, I sometimes feel bad if I am not taking anus shredding dumps at least five times a day. I did see a box of prune bran at a store but even I am not that brave. I may be dating myself but I really kinda miss King Vitamin. That was the cereal that was full of sugar that pretended to be vitamins, I ate it as a child and had the DT's for a week after I couldn't find it in the store any longer. I can honestly say that I don't really trust anti-cereal people. You ever talk to a guy and he says something like "Oh cereal is for kids", just sock him in the jaw and steel his car, he doesn't deserve a vehicle and now you have a mode of cereal transport, so go stock up. Then you get those guys that only eat Muesli, that horrible Swiss bird food that somehow got onto the market as cereal. For god sake, it looks and tastes like rocks and twigs, if you were to add berries your bowl would become a close up of a Bob Ross painting. No, there is no fun in Muesli, it is not a cereal and, for that matter, neither is wheat germ, that sounds more like a chemical agent than a cereal. At any rate I love cereal, even the evil cereals that I couldn't eat as a child because of their links to the occult, Lucky Charms, Boo-Berry, Count Chocula, even Trix, which I think has more to do with the rabbit being a street prostitute than anything dark and magical ( if you don't get this part, you didn't grow up in a mid-west bible town). Well, that's it, I like cereal. Time for a big bowl of Kablamo! or whatever that yellow cereal is called.

What music is in your head?

Let's face it, every person walks around with a sound track playing in their heads. Most of the time the music in their mind is a direct connection to how they feel at that moment. I, for instance, can be in a good mood and I will have a song like Chemical Bomb, by the AquaBats, or maybe some good old Dean Martin playing over and over in the background of my brain. If I am angry, my music gets a bit more sinister, anything from Ministry's Psalm:69 album, or perhaps The music from Conan the Barbarian, any thing other than 'In the hall of the mountain king', which is a song that I sometimes hear in my head when I am feeling evil and silly, kinda like Loki before the whole eyes ripped out, serpent dripping venom for an eternity thing. Of course if I am about to fight, I have no real soundtrack going on in my head and I just sit hoping that two or three people with bagpipes will just randomly start playing from local rooftops, nothing makes a fight more fun and vicious than the bagpipes.
This line of reasoning got me thinking about the music in other peoples heads. I wonder what is going through the heads of those guys in blue Van Heusen shirts when they walk down the street, looking so cocky after a hard days work banking from a soft chair. Is it one of the "jock rock" songs like Who let the dogs out? Or is it something even more pathetic, like Creed? With so many people on the planet, someone must be walking around with Hootie and the Blowfish or Blues traveler as their "gettin' mean, let's go find some bitches" music. How about the fat guy in the leather three quarter length jacket, a Diecide shirt and Black Number One in the hair, what music is in his head? Sadly, if it is a Metallica song, it is probably off of the black album or ...And justice for all. And definitely not off of one of their actual good albums, Kill 'em all, being my favorite, you could still hear the Mustane in that one. If he has anything heavier of more evil than the golden ticket song from Willy Wonka, I would be shocked. What about the Debby on the street? I would say the sound of florescent lights humming before they burn out is about the limit their minds could handle. That is why I like to sit with a couple people outside of a bar, drink some rye and play the "what music is in their heads?"game. It is a load of fun. Easy to play as well, one person has to guess the song in the persons head as they walk by and someone else says what should be in their heads. Try it, it's great.

Ah sweet duplicity

I honestly wonder some days why I ever check CNN for news. Today I was watching the news videos and they had a story about a shocking video game that the militant group Hezbollah are selling at the Lebanon war museum. The game is supposedly a first person shooter that takes you through some of the conflicts in last years war with Israel. The newsman seamed shocked that they would make a game like this. The fact that you could shoot down Israeli helicopters and snipe Israeli soldiers in this game seemed barbaric to him. This is an American reporter of course, I know he must be shocked. It's not like we have any games here that would be about actual events during a war. Well there was that game America's Army, wherein you start at boot camp and move on to a desert conflict, that one came out after Desert Storm but that is probably a coincidence. Oh and then we had a game called, I think it was, Delta Force: Black Hawk Down but when have our troops ever been in Somalia? Of course there was a game, maybe even two, that took you to the battlefields of Vietnam. I have often wondered why these companies don't make a video game about actual historic events from WWII, they probably wouldn't sell very well is why. Oh never mind I guess there have been a couple of games like that, one or two at least. I think that one thing Americans don't understand is that this Hezbollah and Israel conflict is a battle that has been going on for several years and a game like this is just a marketing ploy to glorify war and build patriotism. I know it's kinda sneaky but not everyone can be as straightforward as Americans. I am glad we don't need to resort to things like this just to get people thinking patriotically.

Ask Doctor Ballpuncher.

As part of my regular advice column, I will be stepping down every once and a while and let an expert give advice. Today I am letting Doctor E. Henry Ballpuncher III take over my column to give advice to a poor soul. So here goes and thank you for reading.

A Mr. B. Tillman of Kansas City, MO. writes: Dear Dr. Ballpuncher. My wife continues to max out credit cards as soon as they are paid off. This drives me crazy with blood, gore, kill rage and I would sorely like to punch her in the balls but since she is a woman, she has no punchable balls that I know of. My question is this. Where are the woman balls for the punching of?


Dr.B.: Wow a really good question there B.T. and one I hope I can answer for you. The first thing I had to do was verify your story, so we ran some tests. I was shocked to find that, truly, 92% of the women studied indeed had no punchable balls. The other 8% were either women with really large female sex organs or men that got lost on their way to a costume ball. The women were let out of the focus group and the men were allowed to get back on their way to the costume party being held at a local celebrities home. "Boy won't he be freaked out when all those men show up to his house dressed as somewhat convincing women?" I thought to myself, I am sure there was plenty of good natured ball punching at that party, what crazy guys. Anyway back to the subject. Yes B.T. there is a place on a woman that is ball punchable like balls on a man are punchable but not as easy to reach as man balls for punching of said. That area is the uterus. This "uterus" is a lot like man balls, only instead of being dangled in the front, as per a man ball set. The uterus is hidden inside of a woman, much like a cowardly set of balls that refuses to come out for a good natured punching and maybe a friendly 'how's your father' kick. The uterus is a dark place, it never sees the light of day or the smiles of children, unlike the majestic balls. It sits alone in the evil recesses of the woman, only coming out once a month to wreak bloody havoc upon the world and start fires in barns and adjacent lots near a Vons or Applebees. The only way to punch the uterus or "woman balls" is with a bean bag gun, the kind Dawg the bounty hunter uses. The important bit is that impact comes from the side, near the kidneys and not the direct back or front. The best time to attack is during a new moon cycle, use bright lights and a bunch of flower to distract the woman and when she turns her back... BOOM! Unload on her with the bean bag gun. The woman ball hit, if a success, will leave her stunned, take that opportunity to set her car on fire and punch the guy that she is "just friends" with in the scrotum. Not in the nice "let's be buddies" way but the malicious "stop having sex with my pets" way. After that you need to go down town find a prostitute named Harpo and ask her "how much for a night at the opera?" After the body cools.....

Hi this is Joe, I had to stop Dr. B. there, I felt that he answered your question and that was that. I will still allow him to give advice from time to time but it may be a few months. It all depends on how the state takes it. Thanks for reading. Good day.

Random thoughts to ponder.

Today I would just like to muse, you may write me with answers or just enjoy them. If you don't enjoy my musing then feel free to stop reading this and go piss up a rope. Anyway, here goes.

How can Stigmata be considered a blessing yet being caught red handed is considered bad?

Stigmata is said to come along with intense emotions, don't you always get more emotional than usual when blood is spurting from your body for no reason.

If only the good die young, what is the point? Also how evil is Billy Joel?

"What is the craziest place you've ever had sex?" is a horrible question to ask a daredevil sex offender.

My favorite statistic is that any man that still owns a Creed album has a 50% chance of also having a shaved vagina.

When someone gives you relationship advice and tells you to "start with a firm foundation and build from that", you should really verify their carpentry license.

If a woman tells you that she is turned on by a man with goals, that basically means you are ugly but at least you can support her, so you will do. If a man says he likes a woman with goals, that means he is lazy.

Why is there so many shootings in schools with "gun free zone signs"? The answer is poor literacy rates.

I saw a sign that said "No dangerous weapons allowed", no musing that was an actual sign, they did let me in with my candy bombs and my cookie gun.

When will the Bush administration finally lock up the Boogie Man? That guy scares the hell outta me. Also Candy Man and Bloody Mary.

What is up with atheists that believe in ghosts?

If someone tells you that you look violent, is it not your duty to then punch them in the face?

I want to make a reality show wherein we put a baggy of crack around a Kodiak bears neck and let it loose on an island full of crack heads with no weapons. You would be amazed by what a jonesing crack head can build when motivated.

If you are in a religion that believes in karma and someone punches you for 'no reason', you are not as faithful as you thought.

If one in four women have herpes, which is a statistic I heard on a television PSA, then when your grandma has her girls over for a game of bridge, one of those old whores has the herp.

Did it ever occur to those assholes at Total that maybe I like to eat fifteen bowls of cereal in a sitting. Some people just really like cereal.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading my crap.

When you hear something so stupid.

So I wake up two days ago and I flick on the TV., just wanted to see what was on the local news, maybe the weather to find out when this heat wave will end. At any rate I am watching this news program that is all about the 'war' in Iraq and how the Taliban is setting all these scary things in motion. Then it shifts to the threat of Iran and Syria and talks about Iranian money being sent to Iraq to fund terrorists. It was a real scare piece, one of those things that is supposed to just intimidate you and fill you with fear. The news clip ended and they send it back to the studio. So who do they show next, just sitting at the studio desk? Not some washed up corporate anchorman that we all are so used to seeing. The person at the desk is none other than Pat Robertson, This scare piece was bing played on the 700 Club. I am never shy about saying what an asshole I think Mr. Robertson is but I have never really sat through an entire episode of the 700 Club so, I figured I would give it a shot. As Pat and his co-host sat and discussed the lawlessness and moral decay of the Mid-East, the woman said one of the stupidest comments I have ever heard in my life. It was in reference to the 'war' and it went like this. "Well at least one good thing came out of this...we have one more reason to pray". One more reason to pray is a good thing? i thought you were supposed to pray to show God that you have faith in him, not to yak on and on every time some world situation makes you uncomfortable. My gas bill is too high, time to pray. My wife is having sex with my brother, time to pray. I am out of Frosted Flakes and I can't get the toothpaste out of the tube... I'll have to pray for that and of course, there is that pesky 'war' in the Mid-east. i hate people that pray for everything, if you believe in God, don't you ever think that maybe he has got stuff to do and can't be bothered every time a small inconvenience pops up in your life? Is that not why we have this 'free will' thing I have been hearing so much about? Any way that was the stupid thing I heard and I just wanted to tell you all about it. Why should I be the only one pissed off about that comment. It was immediately after that stupid thing was said that I decided to turn off the TV and never attempt to watch the 700 Club again.

A wedding announcement

To the friends and family of President George W. and First Lady, Laura Bush.

We are happy to announce the engagement of our daughter Jenna Welch Bush to her long time boyfriend Henry Hager, son of Virginia Republican party chairman, John Hager. The wedding is planned to be in the White House Rose Garden. Once the wedding date is set, there will be a reception planned after words at the Washington D.C. Community Rec. Center, Where George is planning a buffet style BBQ, as well as a full service open bar to those who pass the security screening. There will also be a 'Texas tailgate' style party in back of the Rec. center but that is BYOB, Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales will be at the tailgate party as well, George really loves to show off his " Mexican buddy that doesn't talk all funny"' as George likes to put it. We are all really excited about this wedding and hope that it will be on the scale of Princess Diana's wedding to Prince Charles. Jenna will of course be wearing a traditional white dress and friends of hers from college are asked to keep the comments and jokes about this to a minimum. Most of the wedding will be traditional in fact, except for the parts George feel need to be changed for the protection of the home land. I will run some of these down so you will not be too shocked at the ceremony. First, do not be surprised by the heightened security, body cavity searches and 'sniffer' dogs are standard at any D.C. wedding. No liquids such as hair gel, breath freshener and lotion will be permitted in side the wedding compound. In the ceremony, when the priest asks if anyone objects to the wedding, objections are actually forbidden. Anyone who does object will be immediately jailed and have their property and assets seized immediately. The couple are planning on writing their own vows and, pending approval from Fox News lawyers and the White House press office, those vows will be spoken at the wedding. The part were the priest tells the couple that they are "bound in the eyes of God", will be rephrased as " now have become one, bound by the writ of the Homeland, hageln zum Vaterland, hageln zum Lieter, springen durch Aufgabe, Grenze durch Gesetz. After the ceremony Condoleza Rice will lead the attendees in prayer while George will have all the gifts scanned, looking for bombs, drugs, dangerous items and cookies, he likes cookies. The newly weds will then be driven through the poorer parts of D.C. where they will be shown to the public so they can see what life is like when you try to improve yourself, or when you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Then it's off to the reception. After the reception George will be taking several members of Congress and the Senate as well as representatives of Big Business out on the town for what he calls " a good old Texas tit party". We hope to see you at the wedding, if you are not there we will consider you a threat to the nation and you will be spending time in Gitmo. Thank you for your time.

Just a quick rant

So here is a situation I found funny. A girl was outside of my bar talking to her friends. The topic of television shows came up and as the group discussed shows like,'So you think you can dance'...blah, blah, babble... At any rate the girl in question fell completely silent. Then one of the group members, seeing that she had fallen out of the conversation, asked her what her favorite TV show was. " I actually don't watch TV, it makes people kinda stupid", was her response. Now, I must explain that this girl was pure, Southern California Debby. One look at her and you are thinking, reality show wannabe, dog in purse, brain in space, tits in the hands of every production assistant in town. So I was actually dumbfounded by the 'no TV', claim. Of course my never failing need to know forced me to strike in, " You never watch TV, really?", I said, "No, not since I was thirteen or so". 'Amazing', was the only thought, a SoCal girly, girl that actually doesn't watch TV as if it is the Holy Grain spilling forth the water of life, I needed to know more. Could this girl actually be intelligent? Was there the possibility that a townie twink like this could actually have a brain, I needed to know. "So, no TV? How do you pass the time then, reading?". This ill fated question, so filled with hope and possibility was met with a response, even worse than I had expected. "Reading? Ha ha ha, no I am not a big reader, that seems like a waste of time too, I only read what i have to for school.". There it was, the big idiocy I was hunting for. "You only read what your teachers tell you to read?" I asked. "Yes", she replied, " Reading is just like TV, it's people telling you what to think about things, it doesn't make you any smarter". Let me once again tell you that this is a real conversation, with a real human being, " So if you don't watch TV and you don't read, how do you find things out about the world around you?" I asked expecting the answer I was about to get. " My professors tell me everything I need to know, I don't need to go out digging for facts that way.". That is what she said, I kid you not. She doesn't need to go digging for facts because people told her all the things she needed to know. "What an idiot", that was my thought. I watch TV, I always have and I will until it dies out, I really enjoy the mind numbing stupidity of it. When you think as much as I do, sometimes you just need to switch off the old brain and watch cartoons. The thing is that I also read... a lot. I love books and words. One of my favorite things is when I read a really good book and my brain
starts popping with new ideas, it's almost like a drug. I don't trust people who don't read, they usually have a very limited vocabulary along with poor conversation skills. More than that, I hate people who believe what they are told, that is exactly the kind of people that are being made in this society, people who believe what they are told. I knew the conversation was over but I like to give people chances to redeem themselves. In the hope of getting a response of national public radio or the like, I asked " Well, how about radio, what kind of programs do you listen to?". " I really like the new Lincoln Park stuff", she responded. "Go away from me please", was my final word on the subject.

Finally some deep politics.

I could not answer this one alone so I brought in help. First, Oliver Campbell Professor of Sociology at (college deleted), next we have Marian Billsley, Head of 'Womens equality in Commerce', a slowly growing national organization and of course, myself.

Marty from Hibbing, MN., writes: I would like you to address the esoteric hierarchy of the modern males individuality in the democratic situations plaguing this country today.
also about how much you like boobs.

JB: Well that is indeed a rough topic. I personally do feel that man's position as man, is slowly slipping away in our modern world. It seems to me that masculinity is shunned and anyone portraying said masculine characteristics is mocked as a red neck of a sexist pig. I have been worried about this idealism for many years, being a comedian and a writer with a flair for the masculine, I get worried that my ideas will not come across because people will see me as a stupid hick no matter how elegant or verbose my speech. So, I guess what I am trying to ask here and, this is a question for you Professor, are you a boob man or more of a butt and leg guy?

Prof: What? I don't think that is really a fitting topic, especially with a lady present. I would prefer we stuck to the lead topic.

JB: Ah I see, it would seem that the Professors tasted veer from the standard of visual attraction. Ms. Billsley, what do you think the professors filthy sexual kink is?

MB: I don't know him but I did get the feeling that he has been looking at my shoes and my purse quite a bit since he sat down.

Prof: I was admiring the quality of the leather, that is all. Anyway, what does that have to do with the topic?

JB: Oh I am sorry but you being an obvious leather fetishist maybe even a retifismist, (I think I made that word up but it is shoe fetishists) has a lot to do with the topic. Leather and shoes are to you what boobs and butts are to most men.

MB: I like big ones...

JB, Prof: What's that?

MB: I like big breasts, some nights my boyfriend and I will go to a strip club, we pick out the girl with the biggest bigguns and he just watches while I Mickey Mouse motorboat my way to bliss.

Prof: How does you boyfriend respond to this?

MB: How else? He gets a kick out of it, he loves it, really keeps the relationship fresh.

Prof: He doesn't get jealous when he sees this side of you come out?

MB: No, does your wife get jealous when you go shoe shopping with her?

Prof: Not that it is your affair but I am no longer allowed to go to shoe stores, there was an incident. Can we just get back on topic please?

JB: Certainly, sorry, now Ms. Billsley, I hope that, when you say big, you don't mean fatty and lumpy but instead large, firm and in direct defiance of Newtonian law.

MB: Oh yes definitely, big though, they gotta be big.

Prof: What has this got to do with anything? It is sexist and off the subject, you are defining women by breast size not by what is in their head or heart but by what is on their chest. What you are doing is sad, immoral and thoroughly misogynistic. Well I will not listen to anymore of this. I thought we were going to discuss a social issue and not banter on about some sick sexual perversions, therefore I will take my leave, good day. (Prof gets up and walks out of the room in a huff)

MB: Isn't it a bit weird to tell a woman that likes the company of other women a misogynist?

JB: Yes, and I think that brings me to the point. Men in our society are becoming too touchy feely. They worry constantly about offending people and hurting feelings. Well as long as your alive and for some, well into your death, you will offend people and as far as hurting feelings, you can't hurt what you don't have. When I was a child it was an accepted fact that, eventually you would grow out of about 75% of your feelings and emotions. That is how you deal with a life that is full of pitfalls and trouble. All the guys now with their metro-sexual strangeness and the emo mystique freak me out and worry me. One of the big reasons I do not want children, is because they would have to grow in a society that would not allow them to be them, also I don't want anyone ruining my stuff and that's what kids do. At any rate, and this is just me saying this but guys that don't like boobs are kinda scary. I love boobs, knockers, ta-tas, big jobs, fun bags, dirty/naughty pillows, milk jugs, hooters, jumblies...etc, etc... They are one of the things that make a man glad he is a man and loving them doesn't make you a redneck, a 78' T-top Trans Am on blocks in your yard makes you a redneck.

MB: I couldn't have put it better myself, I just bought a booby bar down the road would you like to come and see my investment in action?

JB: And how Ms. Billsley, and how.....

A column on ninja's and superspies.

Not too long ago I asked my readers what they wanted me to write about. Jeremy from Minneapolis sent me this request. "I would appreciate a column on ninjas and super spies." Well Jeremy since this is a very loosely stated comment, I feel it deserves a rather loosely stated response so this article will simply be the squeezings of my brain as I consider ninjas and super spies. So let's star off by looking at some definitions.
Ninja: a member of a feudal Japanese society of mercenary agents, highly trained in martial arts and stealth (ninjutsu), who were hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and assassination.
Spy: a person employed by a government to obtain secret information or intelligence about another, usually hostile, country, esp. with reference to military or naval affairs.
A problem did arise with the actual definition of 'Super spy' since this is more of a movie and film idealism and not so much used in actual government. As you can see the basic idea is the same, major differences in time frame are basically all there is to keep these groups separate. Ninjas were quite simply the spies of 14th century feudal Japan.. In many of the writings of Sun-Tzu he spoke of using ninjas to infiltrate the enemy and gain knowledge of their movements, sometimes the would be employed to assassinate people who were important to the enemies strategy. Government spies are much the same idea. So now we know about ninjas and spies but what makes someone a super spy? Well I think that is rather evident, spies do their job for the government that they are affiliated with. Super spies do the same thing but they do it with a bit more style. That's what sets them apart panache, a flair for the explosive. Fast cars, hot women and a license to kill or, if no license, at least the willingness to kill with no remorse and the ability to make a good sarcastic quip about it. That's super spyin' baby. Get the girl, get the info, then get the hell out leaving the burning bodies of your enemies in your wake, then look in your rearview mirror and say something like,"I told you smoking would be the death of you." and then snicker to yourself like the sociopath you are and drive off into the night. See ninjas and spies are covert but super spies or uber spion, if you please, are overt. They do what and who they do in the bright light of day, they flaunt their daring doings all about the country and are rarely known for their quiet, unobtrusive behavior. I saw a movie once about a female super spy that would get her information from senators and higher ups in government by sleeping with them, every one knew about her and they still went to her place and had sex with her. She was naked through pretty much the whole movie and she was getting rich off the secrets. I think another part of the plot was that her lipstick made men or women tell their deepest secrets. I am not sure of the title because it saw years ago that I saw it. I think it was called 'Mrs. Smith blows to Washington', at any rate she was a super spy. So I hope that gives you the answers you were looking for Jeremy. Ninjas and spies, be they turtles, cats, robots or little girls named Harriet, tend toward secrecy whereas super spies lean toward the lunatic fringe and would have sex with your beautiful wife on top of your still cooling corpse, if for no other reason than to protect the crown. Super spies are a sick, sadistic, loud, sexually perverted piles of pent up hostility, rage and psychotic blood lust, yet still have a deep urge to be seen and accepted by the masses and praised, nay, worshipped by all. I do believe I have missed my calling in life.

Moron of the Decade Award Nominee.

My friend Amanda sent me something that said the "religious" group, God hates fags/God hates America is planning to protest a funeral for one of the dead in the Minneapolis bridge collapse, I looked into it and it seems to be true. The "Funeral of Sherry Lou Engebretsen", is advertised on their website and they plan on having some protesters there screaming about how they are going to hell and she died because she accepted gays and was Lutheran. Now, I don't want to tell any one how to live their life but if these guys showed up at a funeral for one of my loved ones, I will guarantee a blood bath would ensue. In a world full of rat bastard, low life, shitball scum, this so called religious movement takes the cake. I really don't care if your religion is intolerant toward people, makes no difference to me but when you feel the need to go protest a funeral, that is really low.
That being said, I am making my first nominee for Moron of the Decade Fred Phelps Sr., Pastor of the Westboro Baptist church and founder of God Hates Fags/America. Pastor Phelps was in the news a year or two ago for having people protest at the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. Pastor Phelps began his career (and the sticky sweet irony trophy goes to this one) as a civil rights lawyer...give you a minute to soak that one all in. He also won, one of our countries first 'reverse discrimination' lawsuits... once again, let the irony envelope you, send this to Allanis Morrisette and she can make a song for her comeback album. On July 20th 1979 Phelps was disbarred in the state of Kansas. I think you can see why he is a candidate for my award.
Why this group has never been beaten into a quivering mass of self righteous jelly is beyond me, Gandhi would have punched this guy in the face and the Dali llama would have held him during the beating. I really hate these sorts of numb nuts that claim they are working for the lord but seem never to have even read the bible. They simply spew venom in every direction, as random as a dropped fire hose. Don't get me wrong, I am a hateful person but mine is more thoughtful and directed whereas, this kind of hate is just a publicity stunt for a church that wants needs more members. Personally I hope their numbers swell to the thousands, so big they have to buy a cathedral and since they are based in Kansas, I hope that cathedral has a weak roof. You always hear about church collapses in the news but, wouldn't you like, just one of those stories to be a bit of good news? I can see the headline now, "Thousands dead in Cathedral collapse, American average IQ jumps six points, Gene pool a bit cleaner". Hey, an eye for an eye bitches.
Anyway, I am ranting a bit now but I do just want to say This guy may be a ringer for the big win but the contest has just started and we still have Kirk Cameron, on the list but I still think Phelps is in the lead. He is so crazy that he was kicked out of a regular Southern Baptist church. That is like being kicked out of Hell for being to rough with souls. At any rate, he is my current nominee and way ahead in the polls. I hope the righteous fire that burns inside of this guys insane melon implodes in on itself causing a singularity that brings about a black hole and him and his followers are sucked into a atom pulverizing vortex that not even human stupidity, which seems to move faster than light, can escape. Smiting, smited, smote!

My friends are sick of my boring Deja Vu

Yeah, so basically I keep on having these moments of intense deja vu wherein nothing happens at all, maybe I remember the layout of someones house or know what's in a persons basement freezer, anyway real boring stuff. It's not as though I am solving crimes or able to thwart terrorist plots, the flashes are just thoroughly non-eventful. Of course I still tell people that I am having deja vu if, for any other reason than if it is not deja vu and just happens to be a massive brain aneurism, my friends can tell the doctors that I thought I was having deja vu. The worst part is that I think people expect more from my deja vu than regular peoples. Maybe it is because I am a highly imaginative person that my friends believe my deja vu should be more entertaining, I don't know. Personally I think it's pretty damn freaky to go to a strangers house and instantly know where their bathroom is and how many towels they have. Now don't get me wrong, this would be great if I was a serial home invader or a cat burglar but I am neither, I am just a guy that gets psychic architecture messages. Maybe I could put my gift/curse to good use and start being a LA house psychic, I could dress real crazy, talk with a lisp and tell people that their home is sad because it wants new carpeting or drapes and, if they questioned me I could tell the people about the meatloaf in the back of their fridge that has been buried there for two months and, for some reason my brain thought I should know about it. Oh well, at any rate, this kind of deja vu does nothing for my credibility or my fun meter. It would be great if I was warned about, let's say, the winning lotto numbers or the next bridge collapse but no, I get bar bathrooms and patio furniture placements. On top of all that I get some really bored friends that I am starting to think have been hanging around me because they believe I am one of the harbingers of the apocalypse. I guess only time can unravel the mysteries of my deja vu, just hope it's not a brain tumor that's all.

It,s all the media's fault.

'Could Mr. Right be white?' More black women consider 'dating out'.

This is seriously a headline from CNN. In a society that is so uptight about race and stereotype I can not think of any better example of the media worsening the situation than a headline like this. I mean read it, it has the two major colors, black and white. It mentions women and not men because no one would be shocked if it was an article about black men wanting to date white women. The headline question brings back thoughts, no matter how subliminal of the age old phrase from the sixties "white makes right". Beside the fact that the phrase "dating out", implies that they are breaking a social taboo. Face it, with little apparently non-offensive articles like this just the headline alone can hide enough implications of racism to incite even the most moderate of people. It isn't as if people are dating out side of their species, people have been dating outside of their color for centuries, now if the headline was, ' Can donkeys make hot lovers for humans?' I could see people being shocked a bit more by all this. The only reason for this article is that keeping the rift between Black America and White America is good for selling papers and good for politics. Does anyone ever notice that politicians count the the Black vote, the Latino vote, the Asian vote but never do you hear mention of the white vote. Should this not simply be "The Vote"? I would say yes in an equal society but, as long as we have media that can put out such seemingly non-offensive articles that simply perpetuate racial bias and stereotypes in a very subtle way, we will never live in an equal society. Why have I never seen an article about how white men want to date Asian women? Why is there never a news story covering Brazilian womens desire to date Black American men? Most likely because these aren't surprising issues or somewhat socially taboo so they wouldn't make good news. Most likely however, it is because, as long as we keep thinking about the small, unimportant things, the real problems in our society can continue to be hidden.

As a side note I would just like to say, if you have never read old "Bloom County", comic strips you should, especially the ones about "Penguin lust". Bloom County was a cartoon from the late 80's and early 90's that really helped form my perspective on things and I believe that Penguin lust was just another way of discussing this same issue of race and dating. So, even though he will never read this, I just gotta thank Berkeley Breathed.