Ask Doctor Ballpuncher.

As part of my regular advice column, I will be stepping down every once and a while and let an expert give advice. Today I am letting Doctor E. Henry Ballpuncher III take over my column to give advice to a poor soul. So here goes and thank you for reading.

A Mr. B. Tillman of Kansas City, MO. writes: Dear Dr. Ballpuncher. My wife continues to max out credit cards as soon as they are paid off. This drives me crazy with blood, gore, kill rage and I would sorely like to punch her in the balls but since she is a woman, she has no punchable balls that I know of. My question is this. Where are the woman balls for the punching of?


Dr.B.: Wow a really good question there B.T. and one I hope I can answer for you. The first thing I had to do was verify your story, so we ran some tests. I was shocked to find that, truly, 92% of the women studied indeed had no punchable balls. The other 8% were either women with really large female sex organs or men that got lost on their way to a costume ball. The women were let out of the focus group and the men were allowed to get back on their way to the costume party being held at a local celebrities home. "Boy won't he be freaked out when all those men show up to his house dressed as somewhat convincing women?" I thought to myself, I am sure there was plenty of good natured ball punching at that party, what crazy guys. Anyway back to the subject. Yes B.T. there is a place on a woman that is ball punchable like balls on a man are punchable but not as easy to reach as man balls for punching of said. That area is the uterus. This "uterus" is a lot like man balls, only instead of being dangled in the front, as per a man ball set. The uterus is hidden inside of a woman, much like a cowardly set of balls that refuses to come out for a good natured punching and maybe a friendly 'how's your father' kick. The uterus is a dark place, it never sees the light of day or the smiles of children, unlike the majestic balls. It sits alone in the evil recesses of the woman, only coming out once a month to wreak bloody havoc upon the world and start fires in barns and adjacent lots near a Vons or Applebees. The only way to punch the uterus or "woman balls" is with a bean bag gun, the kind Dawg the bounty hunter uses. The important bit is that impact comes from the side, near the kidneys and not the direct back or front. The best time to attack is during a new moon cycle, use bright lights and a bunch of flower to distract the woman and when she turns her back... BOOM! Unload on her with the bean bag gun. The woman ball hit, if a success, will leave her stunned, take that opportunity to set her car on fire and punch the guy that she is "just friends" with in the scrotum. Not in the nice "let's be buddies" way but the malicious "stop having sex with my pets" way. After that you need to go down town find a prostitute named Harpo and ask her "how much for a night at the opera?" After the body cools.....

Hi this is Joe, I had to stop Dr. B. there, I felt that he answered your question and that was that. I will still allow him to give advice from time to time but it may be a few months. It all depends on how the state takes it. Thanks for reading. Good day.